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Thread: Relationship of 4 years ended.

  1. #1
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    Relationship of 4 years ended.

    Hi everyone, I am in a confusing situation and do not know how to get out of it. I am a male 23 years old and I started dating a girl when I was 18. We had a good relationship and everything was going fine until She had to move to another country with her family. We agreed to keep the relationship going and be in a long distance relationship. She moved to another country after we were in a relationship for an year.

    Things were normal until we both discussed our chances of marriage and we both came to know that it was virtually impossible for us to marry each other as She couldnt come back and I couldnt move to another country. I accepted the fact that we couldnt marry each other. After that we were just talking on daily basis and were not in a relationship. I was being supportive to this girl and wanted her to be happy even she dated another guy. I was fine with it.. Things were a bit hard for her as she was not able to find any good friends she could rely on and met alot of boys who would just make her life more miserable. After we broke up after 4 years she starting dating another guy and this guy felt insecure with me in her life. So she had to shut me down. She fought with me over some silly and trivial issue and blocked me from her social media accounts. The reason she gave me was we had no future and she wants to move on. I didnt contact her after our fight for 5 months. When I re contacted her we talked a bit and she told me that she wasnt in a relationship any more and brokeup with that guy too.

    She told me that she was still looking for a guy friend and is not interested in relationships anymore and just wants to have a guy friend. The thing that disappoints me that she includes me in the list of guys who hurt her over the time (friend and boyfriends) and I believe I didnt do anything wrong to her. She was the one who pushed me away.

    The problem is whenever she is not not feeling well and she has a breakup she tries to find new guys to make friends. If a guy by any chance supports her she starts to develop a feeling for him and ultimately ends up in a relationship with him.

    When I broke up with her she was feeling down and this guy talked to her and supported her so she starting developing a feeling for him and dated him. Later she realized that he was not good for her. After her break up with this guy another guy supported her and talked to her and now she is developing feelings for her. This is the time when I recontacted her after 5 months. And she told me about how nice this guy was etc. And I want to tell her that its almost like a pattern and she cant date any guy she likes. It will simply not work like that. But she thinks she cannot rely on me and I am just like other guys. Tho I have been supporting her since she moved and I always wanted her to be happy. She wouldnt even have a conversation with me now.


    I truly want this girl to be happy. I really care about her but dont know what to do. For now I am just struggling to keep up a conversation with her.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What is your goal here?

    I know it's hard to see, when you're in the midst of it all, but what you just described is a woman who is making it very clear to you that she doesn't want you in her life, not romantically, not platonically. The thing to do with all that is go on with your own life, and support yourself, your happiness, and make room in your head and heart for people who want you in theirs. She is not one of those people.

    How she chooses to live her life—well, that's her choice. If her thing is monkey-branching from man to man, turning friendships into failed romances, that will be her thing. If she wants to change that, she'll change that. All of that is just her, not a project for you or a verdict on you. You are free to care about her in your heart, and to wish the best for her. But to want her to be someone she is not, for your own peace and happiness? Well, that's when caring crosses the line into selfishness, when genuine connection turns into codependency.

    She is a woman you were romantically involved with, who you then tried to be friends with. Both of those dynamics have ended. Time to accept that, and to focus not on what you presume to be best for her but what is best for you, which is living in reality, in the present and not the past. It sounds like you've based a lot of your life around her, or an idea of her, and in the process have lost sight of yourself a bit. When you regain some focus on that I think this chapter will make more sense to you than it does at the moment.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    What are you gaining from this? She expressed wanting to truly move on. Why don't you?

    My suggestion would be to stop trying to insert yourself into her life and try dating women locally. You're staying hung up on a lost cause. Also, it's pointless to try to fix someone else's life or micromanage another adult's emotions. It's even more pointless if you don't even live in the same country. Please try to let this situation go.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this is happening. It sounds like you are wasting your time on her. Cease contact and start dating local girls.

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    The goal here is the leave the impression in her mind that I was not just like other guys. I actually cared for her for a long time and did my best to be a decent guy unlike other guys she met. And it bothers me that she compares me with those guys.

    I want her to remember me for what I really was not what she thinks I am.

  7. #6
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    Thanks for the insight.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LordKnight
    The goal here is the leave the impression in her mind that I was not just like other guys. I actually cared for her for a long time and did my best to be a decent guy unlike other guys she met. And it bothers me that she compares me with those guys.

    I want her to remember me for what I really was not what she thinks I am.
    While I totally understand this—and have certainly felt similarly about some people—this is a pretty selfish goal. She can remember you, and think about you, however she wants. Wanting to change those thoughts and feelings—well, that's just you wanting her to make you feel better, you know?

    You sound like a good guy. Trust that, and lean into it. Prove it not by "leaving impressions" in her mind, but just by being a good, caring person out in the world.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How old is she now? I'd try letting her go. It's not your place anymore to poke into her dating life and contact her or keep tabs of who she's dating. Not even friends should be doing that to each other. It's nosy and a bit controlling especially considering the history you have of being exes. If she's even younger than you (23) and still in her parents' care or going to school, this is plenty of reason for her to continue growing and so should you.

    Having said all this it's also not your job to be her perennial punching bag. She's resentful of her past and her own behaviours and she needs to grow from those regrets and make peace with herself and learn to be a more positive person. Avoid being continuously drawn to negative influences like this. Live your own life.

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    She is 22 at the moment. A year younger then me. I would like to add here that I never tried to influence her relationship with other guys. She told about relationships herself. If she ever asked for an advice I would give it as a friend. A neutral and genuine advise.

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    You need to move on man, let it go. You are making it toxic by selfishly contacting her every so often. You may not think so, but it's selfish because she stated that you two need to move on and that it won't work due to the distance. Distance is one of those things you can't beat when it comes to relationships, no matter how much potential or compatibility is there. If you aren't willing to move to her country, and she has no intention of moving back, then there is no reason to continue.

    She started dating other guys and has developed crushes on others guys, that is a clear indicator that she wants to move on. From what you posted, she has yet to contact you first and that it's you doing it every few months. She secretly doesn't want you to, but she doesn't want to be rude either; hence why she blocked you at first. You are merely torturing yourself by contacting her out of the blue just to 'check in' with her and see who she is dating and if she thinks of you.
    I'm sorry that it sounds harsh, but you cannot remain friends in this scenario. Just move on with you life, and if she ever comes back to the country that you reside in and she contacts you out of interest, maybe you can think about opening contact again if you aren't dating someone else.

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