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Thread: For those who are a bit older

  1. #41
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Vic, we have great resources here regarding looking after the elderly. Have you contacted anyone to find out what, if anything, your family would be entitled to receiving? There are even tax breaks for those that are responsible for the care of an elderly parent. Perhaps if your SIL looked into those benefits as well she wouldn't be harassing your hubby about it so often.

  2. #42
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    She has been doing that , it is just that my in-laws are so ass bat stubborn to the point of actual stupidity nothing got done. And they figured why they had kids was to have ready made caretakers when they got old. They didnít want their kids to marry or even leave home . My husband left and moved in with me when he was 23 but my SIL was at home until 36 years old for FREE with her mom cooking all her meals and washing all her clothes and driving her to work etc etc and now they expect pay back for that. Well, she had a financially free ride for 36 years and my husband escaped the cultish behaviour at 23 and never got any kind of support even emotional support ever again.

    I think now my MIL is interested in services . My FIL was a social very maladapted control freak who hasnít had anyone in his house but family for 40 years.
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Vic, we have great resources here regarding looking after the elderly. Have you contacted anyone to find out what, if anything, your family would be entitled to receiving? There are even tax breaks for those that are responsible for the care of an elderly parent. Perhaps if your SIL looked into those benefits as well she wouldn't be harassing your hubby about it so often.

  3. #43
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    My arthritis only allows for some walking. My knee keeps me up at night from the pain. And after 12 hours running after little kids all day and cleaning and cooking and prepping for the kids leaves me totally wiped out and ready for bed at 8 PM. I am wiped at the end of a day.

    But maybe a small walk at the end of the day.

    I do like crochet.

    We try to make Saturday just for us.
    ~Seraphim~ I'm sorry about your arthritis. As you say, perhaps a small, very brief walk at the end of the day. I've found after dinner walks to be particularly refreshing. Or, I get up at 4AM or 5AM and exercise then to save time.

    I have arthritic knees. I've since had 2 ACL Reconstructions (1st ACL Recon was botched, 2nd ACL Recon was revision + 3 partial menisectomies ~ meniscus cartilage surgeries) and what helps keep the pain at bay is a lot of stretching for the entire body. You might want to try that so you won't feel so stiff and help minimize pain.

    Crocheting is fun. I bring my crocheting projects to work on during my lunch hour, coffee breaks at work and work on them in public such as if I'm waiting at the doctor's office waiting room or in the car if I have to pick someone up, etc. I crocheted an afghan for my mother and brother and I miss the days when I crocheted baby sweaters for my infant sons.

    It's a happy thought that you reserve Saturday just for you and your husband / family time. You do what you have to do and make the best of situations. I wish you well, lady.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    ...People complain you arenít doing enough...
    I'd kindly tell whoever demonstrates themselves to be equipped enough to make such a side chair observation that they must certainly be equipped to do for themselves exactly whatever they believe that I'm incapable of doing--AND they are hereby authorized to do it better than me.

    I'd pronounce that anyone who's willing to try one day in my shoes gets full rights to critique me should they pull it off, but otherwise, whoever sits in the peanut gallery gets to master perfect self sufficiency before raising a single complaint about my inefficiency--so help me God.

    A sense of humor to challenge those who take you for granted buys more mileage than catering to complaints. I'd offer 10 demerits to any complainer and ask them to name what they've done for ME lately.

    Head high, and allow others to struggle half as much as you're struggling before you're willing to hear any insults.

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  6. #45
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'd kindly tell whoever demonstrates themselves to be equipped enough to make such a side chair observation that they must certainly be equipped to do for themselves exactly whatever they believe that I'm incapable of doing--AND they are hereby authorized to do it better than me.

    I'd pronounce that anyone who's willing to try one day in my shoes gets full rights to critique me should they pull it off, but otherwise, whoever sits in the peanut gallery gets to master perfect self sufficiency before raising a single complaint about my inefficiency--so help me God.

    A sense of humor to challenge those who take you for granted buys more mileage than catering to complaints. I'd offer 10 demerits to any complainer and ask them to name what they've done for ME lately.

    Head high, and allow others to struggle half as much as you're struggling before you're willing to hear any insults.
    Well, I can tell you exactly the last time my SIL did ANYTHING for us was 4 years ago. She took our son to Disney for a week. She is our biggest critic . She hasnít seen our day to day like ever . Sheís a teacher so she thinks she is the epitome of an overworked soul . I agree teachers work hard . But we are barely keeping our head above water here . We are so busy our last 10 years before retirement it is insane. We are working towards a specific dream.

    But really in the past 10 years she has only ever done 3 things for us. And two of them specifically benefitted her . Twice she took our son to Disney but itís because she wanted to go and had nobody to go with . Only time she specifically did any thing for us was she babysat our cats for two weeks when we went as a family on a holiday . And that was in 2012 . Believe me my husband has repaid her in spades.
    Last edited by ~Seraphim ~; 08-13-2019 at 06:47 AM.

  7. #46
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    ~Seraphim~ I'm sorry about your arthritis. As you say, perhaps a small, very brief walk at the end of the day. I've found after dinner walks to be particularly refreshing. Or, I get up at 4AM or 5AM and exercise then to save time.

    I have arthritic knees. I've since had 2 ACL Reconstructions (1st ACL Recon was botched, 2nd ACL Recon was revision + 3 partial menisectomies ~ meniscus cartilage surgeries) and what helps keep the pain at bay is a lot of stretching for the entire body. You might want to try that so you won't feel so stiff and help minimize pain.

    Crocheting is fun. I bring my crocheting projects to work on during my lunch hour, coffee breaks at work and work on them in public such as if I'm waiting at the doctor's office waiting room or in the car if I have to pick someone up, etc. I crocheted an afghan for my mother and brother and I miss the days when I crocheted baby sweaters for my infant sons.

    It's a happy thought that you reserve Saturday just for you and your husband / family time. You do what you have to do and make the best of situations. I wish you well, lady.
    Thank you. It is a struggle with my knee. I am self employed so it is a bit harder because not just me but my employee. I canít take the time for surgery. I retire in 7 years hopefully then I can repair the damage.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Well, I can tell you exactly the last time my SIL did ANYTHING for us was 4 years ago. She took our son to Disney for a week. She is our biggest critic . She hasnít seen our day to day like ever . Sheís a teacher so she thinks she is the epitome of an overworked soul . I agree teachers work hard . But we are barely keeping our head above water here . We are so busy our last 10 years before retirement it is insane. We are working towards a specific dream.

    But really in the past 10 years she has only ever done 3 things for us. And two of them specifically benefitted her . Twice she took our son to Disney but itís because she wanted to go and had nobody to go with . Only time she specifically did any thing for us was she babysat our cats for two weeks when we went as a family on a holiday . And that was in 2012 . Believe me my husband has repaid her in spades.
    Don't miss the point. It's not about keeping score and dragging yourself down with complaints of your own, but rather, it's about handling your own response to any complaints.

    Next criticism, you can cheerfully tell the criticizer, "Since you have complaints about the way I'm handling things, you are welcome to step up and show me how well you can do it better. Until you demonstrate that, my complaint department is closed."

    Boom. Done.

    Quit the misery-go-round, and move your own focus beyond it.

  9. #48
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Don't miss the point. It's not about keeping score and dragging yourself down with complaints of your own, but rather, it's about handling your own response to any complaints.

    Next criticism, you can cheerfully tell the criticizer, "Since you have complaints about the way I'm handling things, you are welcome to step up and show me how well you can do it better. Until you demonstrate that, my complaint department is closed."

    Boom. Done.

    Quit the misery-go-round, and move your own focus beyond it.
    True. I donít speak to her though. My husband does and he wonít tell her diddly .

  10. #49
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    What do you do when life starts taking more than it gives? You have more years behind you than ahead of you. Family members start dropping like flies your parents are old and frail and need nursing homes. You still work 12 to 16 hours a day for another 10 years . You still have kids at home . You are torn in every direction and everyone needs a piece of your time and attention. People complain you arenít doing enough but you literally have no time to do another thing itís just not even humanly possible .

    How do you keep body and soul together without going over the deep end ?
    I really wish I had a good answer for you. I feel all of this -- everything you've described here. I'll be 49 in a couple of months. My parents are in their mid-late 70's, and while my dad is still in good health, mentally and physically (at this point), my mom's health suddenly took a turn in recent months, and that has been really hard on everyone. Add to that the fact that my parents were living in a near-hoarding situation (I say "near" only because they still had access to most of their house, could still sleep in their bed, and their house wasn't filled with actual garbage, but it was pretty dang bad, and it brought me to tears a few times) and my sister and I have had to step up and basically gut their whole house in the past few months so that, when (if?) my mom finally gets out of the rehab place she's in, she'll be able to safely come home. (It's a long story, but my parents refused to let us come to their house for a number of years, simply because it had gotten so out of control.) Add to this the fact that I have my own health issues, some of which remain un-diagnosed (though a number of things have been ruled out already), that leave me exhausted a lot of the time, I have at least 10 years until I can retire (and my job takes a ton of energy and time) and at least one of my stepchildren will probably be living with us forever, or at least well into adulthood, because she has a lot of issues that make it difficult for her to be independent (she, like your son, is on the Autism spectrum -- ASD 1). Some days, it's especially hard, because I spent SO many years hoping to find someone to spend my life with, and I finally did, at the age of 44; there was this brief period where everything seemed to be going SO well -- my parents were healthy, finances were good, I was doing healthy, and most of the people in my life were as well, and then...in the last two years, everything has just gotten exponentially more difficult, and it feels like every time I think I can rest -- physically AND mentally -- for just a second, something goes wrong, someone needs me, something happens to keep me from doing that. For the past year, my life has been extremely stressful -- mom hospitalized for the first time, selling a house, getting married, buying another house, medical issues, mom hospitalized again -- and there are days when I feel very "old" -- very much NOT the person I was even two years ago.

    My only solution is to find little pockets of joy and peace where I can -- doing things to improve my house and yard, exercise (as much as I'm able), spending quality time with my family, reading, playing with my cats and enjoying their company, listening to favorite music and podcasts, etc., finding things to look forward to (an upcoming trip, my first wedding anniversary, holidays, etc.) It's rough sometimes -- I feel like my emotions are all over the place at times (and they probably are due to hormones -- LOL!) I also have to remind myself, every day, to be grateful, even if it's just for the flowers growing in the yard, or the fact that it's not going to be 106 degrees Fahrenheit all week. Sometimes, it comes down to stuff that small, and that's the stuff I hang onto. Oh, and I take a LOT of deep breaths. I often joke (but I'm not really joking!) that I take at least 100 deep breaths before leaving the house every morning -- never mind the hundreds I have to take during the day! I sleep as much as I can, too, but I admit sometimes I don't listen to my body, particularly when it comes to aches and pains -- I tend to push too hard to make myself do a lot. I need to be mindful of that and slow down.

    It sounds like you have a lot on your plate -- more than your share -- and your feelings are totally understandable. Looking for a little joy, peace, and quiet wherever possible -- even sitting in the car at the supermarket listening to a favorite song on the radio for a few minutes or taking a ten-minute walk around the block and getting fresh air -- these things are essential at this stage of our lives.

    Hang in there...I know it's extremely difficult. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that some days will be much harder than others, but you will get through them.

  11. #50
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    "Looking for a little joy, peace, and quiet wherever possible -- even sitting in the car at the supermarket listening to a favorite song on the radio for a few minutes or taking a ten-minute walk around the block and getting fresh air -- these things are essential at this stage of our lives."

    Yes, this. I have a friend in her 40s who because of the types of situations Browneyedgirl described above, started a daily Facebook thread where she writes the "one good thing" that happened that day -typically very very small stuff - and invites others to share the same - in the same vein as grabbing that little bit of joy and peace whenever you can (and she acknowledges on certain days -for example that horrible, tragic day recently with the two shootings - that it's hard and even feels awkward to talk about "one good thing" but as BEG expressed above we need those little pockets wherever we can find them.

    Thank you.

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