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Thread: For those who are a bit older

  1. #21
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Well, I have no children, but I certainly feel this way towards my siblings....that their first priority is always their children. So just because the SIL has never been married has nothing to do with it.

    You might have to get a mediator to put something in writing: On X days, you'll do this, on Y days, you'll do that. She doesn't sound like someone who can be reasoned with. She sounds like a nightmare, quite frankly, and she needs possible legal boundaries.

    This isn't about having her do more work for her parents, or you doing less. It's about what you all can do, and what outside care might need to be brought in. Who cares if your MIL doesn't agree. She has the money, she'll get the outside care, and that's that. Or she can sit in her house and complain, and SIL can scream all she wants....only you'll be hanging up on her the second she raises her voice.
    Lucky for me I blocked her on my phone last year because of her lunatic behaviour. So one day hopefully my husband gets tired of her. Right now my son who judges nobody wants nothing to do with her or them.

  2. #22
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    He also has told his mom and his sister with his new career he could be posted elsewhere in Canada or Internationally and we canít always be counted on for help.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    He also has told his mom and his sister with his new career he could be posted elsewhere in Canada or Internationally and we canít always be counted on for help.
    Even if he lives next door, he shouldn't be counted on to help.

    If he continues to say this, then if the post doesn't come to pass, they're going to try and lean on him. He should start setting these boundaries now.

    This isn't about throwing the elderly out with yesterday's trash. This is about seeing to one's own family, one's own special needs child, one's own life. Especially since they have the money to get care.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Even if he lives next door, he shouldn't be counted on to help.

    If he continues to say this, then if the post doesn't come to pass, they're going to try and lean on him. He should start setting these boundaries now.

    This isn't about throwing the elderly out with yesterday's trash. This is about seeing to one's own family, one's own special needs child, one's own life. Especially since they have the money to get care.
    For my husband it is his upbringing. He was pretty much taught your own family is the one that birthed you. And me , I was the interloper that ď stole ď their son. It shouldíve been the four of them for the end of time as his dad said. My husband was very emotionally brow beaten as a kid and he just cow toes to them whatever they say . And to him his dad is a God . His hero his mentor his everything . He was very emotionally abused and taught to believe he doesnít matter only they matter . And he will never get out of his head he is 50 years old .

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  6. #25
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    So I think this has less to do with age/aging and more to do with your particular family situation -certainly age factors in because older parents mean they likely will need more assistance from the family so I get that. But I will be 53 soon and we have a 10 year old. One surviving parent (my mother- she is just the best human being in the world next to my sister). It was so so hard for the 7 years my husband had to fly back and forth and unpredictably to our hometown to care for his ill parents (he is an only child).

    Here are the things that help me FWIW - one, I think I am calmer and a wee bit less type A over the last 10 years -just maturity, parenthood and being married to a type B. I eat more healthfully and exercise daily (always exercised just daily now seems to work better for me/my health).

    Funny -yesterday yes I was complaining about my day - my husband -who I begged not to go out for a power walk in the heatwave we are having -went and ended up with a headache "a little headache" he said but it got worse so he napped during the hours he typically would spend with our son. I had housework,unpacking, "work work" and prepping for first day of school work to do. One of his comments was that my "refrain" is how busy I am plus that if he did the house cleaning he wouldn't do as much as I do -meaning he thinks I make too much work for myself. Well, I think I do the bare minimum or perhaps a shade above but not at all too much, ever (and perhaps he didn't realize I had all that extra laundry/unpacking to do because of our recent trip). Anyway my point is sometimes it's a miscommunication/misunderstanding between partners especially if a lot of the work is behind the scenes which housework often appears like.

    I hope things get better for you.

  7. #26
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Things changed for me after my daughter was murdered last year. I no longer tolerate toxic people; if someone says to me "I don't want you here" I'm gone instantly regardless of any sense of responsibility I might feel. If someone starts screaming at me that I'm not doing enough or trying to tell me what my priorities should be, I don't engage with that person. As a single mom who has dealt with more than most people ever will, I can tell you that sometimes it takes something major to happen to get to that point but once you do you'll see how ridiculous it all is, and how futile it is to jump through hoops to try and keep SOMEONE ELSE happy.

    You'd be amazed at how people change their approach once they realize that you are not putting up with their nonsense anymore. People only treat you poorly because they're allowed to. When you stop allowing it--and I don't mean talking to them and negotiating better treatment, because that does not work, ever, I mean you simply withdraw and decline to engage, firmly and consistently--people realize they are not going to get the results with you that they want/are used to, and things change. And if things don't change, you cut contact.

    From someone who learned the hard way.

  8. #27
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    Waffle, I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter . 😢

    Exactly, I just wish my husband will get to the point where he will stop being abused by these people. They tell him to jump and he asks how high. But heís getting pretty fed up .

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by waffle
    Things changed for me after my daughter was murdered last year. I no longer tolerate toxic people; if someone says to me "I don't want you here" I'm gone instantly regardless of any sense of responsibility I might feel. If someone starts screaming at me that I'm not doing enough or trying to tell me what my priorities should be, I don't engage with that person. As a single mom who has dealt with more than most people ever will, I can tell you that sometimes it takes something major to happen to get to that point but once you do you'll see how ridiculous it all is, and how futile it is to jump through hoops to try and keep SOMEONE ELSE happy.

    You'd be amazed at how people change their approach once they realize that you are not putting up with their nonsense anymore. People only treat you poorly because they're allowed to. When you stop allowing it--and I don't mean talking to them and negotiating better treatment, because that does not work, ever, I mean you simply withdraw and decline to engage, firmly and consistently--people realize they are not going to get the results with you that they want/are used to, and things change. And if things don't change, you cut contact.

    From someone who learned the hard way.
    I am so sorry for your tremendous loss.

    Totally agree with all of your points!

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by waffle
    Things changed for me after my daughter was murdered last year. I no longer tolerate toxic people; if someone says to me "I don't want you here" I'm gone instantly regardless of any sense of responsibility I might feel. If someone starts screaming at me that I'm not doing enough or trying to tell me what my priorities should be, I don't engage with that person. As a single mom who has dealt with more than most people ever will, I can tell you that sometimes it takes something major to happen to get to that point but once you do you'll see how ridiculous it all is, and how futile it is to jump through hoops to try and keep SOMEONE ELSE happy.

    You'd be amazed at how people change their approach once they realize that you are not putting up with their nonsense anymore. People only treat you poorly because they're allowed to. When you stop allowing it--and I don't mean talking to them and negotiating better treatment, because that does not work, ever, I mean you simply withdraw and decline to engage, firmly and consistently--people realize they are not going to get the results with you that they want/are used to, and things change. And if things don't change, you cut contact.

    From someone who learned the hard way.
    Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry about this. What a devastating loss for you.

    Your post is so true, and so awesome. People treat us the way we allow them to.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry about this. What a devastating loss for you.

    Your post is so true, and so awesome. People treat us the way we allow them to.
    Same sentiments here. I cannot even imagine. So glad to hear you stand up for yourself!

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