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Thread: For those who are a bit older

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    There is no one to delegate to.
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    .Delegate.

  2. #12
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I only see him twice a year at most. That is pretty much out.
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Maybe, it is time you shared with your aunt abut your father's abuse. I thought you were going to cut him out?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    My dadís only one sister is willing to help him and the only one close enough to help. My husband only has a sister the rest of their family is in the UK.
    None of the folks have kids? You do not have siblings?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you were not there, who would take care of things? One day you may not be so it's best to consider that. You can also hire people.
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    There is no one to delegate to.

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  6. #15
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I'll tell you an anecdote that just happened yesterday, with my sister. My dad had surgery last week, so he's not allowed to drive for a couple of weeks. My sister is the only sibling in his city. He called my sister yesterday to ask her teenage daughter to come over and take him to the grocery store, and my sister said no, as her daughter has a lot of activities going on. My sister offered to take his grocery order and place it online, but he said no, he wants to go to the grocery store. My sister and her husband both work full time, plus they have another child who is not yet driving age, so they have to drive her around. My sister very firmly told my dad that she had looked in his refrigerator and saw that he was stocked with groceries from before the surgery, and realized that he just wanted to get out of the house. So she told him that she will come over today and take him, for one hour. In other words, she was firm in her No for her daughter, but she said Yes with a time frame. My dad agreed. So, even though it wasn't exactly when he wanted, it gave him a time frame, and it also told him that he can't just call a 17 year-old to drop her life that day and take grandpa around. Mind you, my dad is the kindest, most wonderful man on the planet, but even for him, we have to give him boundaries of what we can do.

    It made me realize: when we were kids, our parents gave us these "No's" and boundaries all the time. They didn't just drop their lives to take us places, did they? That's how we learn boundaries. So it's the same thing, in reverse.
    The boundaries issues is great and we have tried that . Which still results in screaming from my sister-in-law . And if you donít cave-in to her the next year of holidays are an absolute misery because she makes sure of it . But last weekend my husband did tell her , look I will give you one day of the weekend Iím not taking three days to go down there . We had plans and thatís that .

    Next weekend heís going down again for three days because his mom is having her surgery . Of course it is right before a big event that I need him for but whatever. He has had to cancel more work opportunities and weíve had to sell more tickets for events that we had then we know what to do with in the past six months because he has to run down there. And his mom has changed her surgery plans twice and the surgeon is about ready to go off the deep end as well.

  7. #16
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I donít need to hire people first off my father-in-law never wouldíve accepted anybody in his house he wouldíve beat them to death . Literally. He wants no people in his home but his children. End of story. My Sister-in-law did hire people my mother-in-law cancelled them. But now thatís of no consequence because theyíve taken custody of my father-in-law anyway out of my mother-in-lawís care . And the province is placing him in a nursing home . My in laws can very well afford their own care they just donít want it . You canít force people inside someoneís door .
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    If you were not there, who would take care of things? One day you may not be so it's best to consider that. You can also hire people.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I have one sibling. And my dad is just as sh*tty to him if not worse. And he work 16 hours a day and is a single dad with three teenagers. My husband has one sibling. And she was never married and doesnít have children . And my dad only has one sibling thatís even willing to talk to him let alone deal with him . His brother he hasnít talk to in almost 40 years because thatís the brother who raped me. He will never talk to him as long as he lives and that brother lives in BC anyway . He has a sister who lives a half an hour from me which is three hours from him who wants nothing to do with him . And itís his younger sister who sees him once a month . But my husband and I each only have one sibling .
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    None of the folks have kids? You do not have siblings?

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~

    My sister in law screaming how my husbandís first loyalty should be to his parents. Her only coping skill is screaming .
    Nope, your SIL is completely wrong. Your husband's first loyalty is to his child, especially in your situation. Then, to his wife.

    My belief is that it should all roll downhill, so that future generations take care of the next, not upward.

    Stay firm in what you are able to do. You are able to X, by Y time, and that's it. Who cares if SIL screams....let her. Hopefully, she'll lose her voice for a while.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Nope, your SIL is completely wrong. Your husband's first loyalty is to his child, especially in your situation. Then, to his wife.

    My belief is that it should all roll downhill, so that future generations take care of the next, not upward.

    Stay firm in what you are able to do. You are able to X, by Y time, and that's it. Who cares if SIL screams....let her. Hopefully, she'll lose her voice for a while.
    Right, and my husband has tried to explain that to her . He said ,I have a wife I have a son I have an Inlaw family as well. And she just keeps screaming your loyalty should be to your parents your loyalty should be of your parents . He told her you donít even know what Iím even talking about because youíve never been married and so you have no clue .

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Right, and my husband has tried to explain that to her . He said ,I have a wife I have a son I have an Inlaw family as well. And she just keeps screaming your loyalty should be to your parents your loyalty should be of your parents . He told her you donít even know what Iím even talking about because youíve never been married and so you have no clue .
    Well, I have no children, but I certainly feel this way towards my siblings....that their first priority is always their children. So just because the SIL has never been married has nothing to do with it.

    You might have to get a mediator to put something in writing: On X days, you'll do this, on Y days, you'll do that. She doesn't sound like someone who can be reasoned with. She sounds like a nightmare, quite frankly, and she needs possible legal boundaries.

    This isn't about having her do more work for her parents, or you doing less. It's about what you all can do, and what outside care might need to be brought in. Who cares if your MIL doesn't agree. She has the money, she'll get the outside care, and that's that. Or she can sit in her house and complain, and SIL can scream all she wants....only you'll be hanging up on her the second she raises her voice.

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