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Thread: Ex-bf was nice and then super cold the next day. What is going on?

  1. #1
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Ex-bf was nice and then super cold the next day. What is going on?

    My ex-bf of 2 years broke up with me through text 2 weeks ago and then cut all contact and ghosted me out of the blue. I spammed his inbox, voicemails and all that jazz because you know -- emotional breakdown. I sent him a letter apologizing for all that though because that was really immature. I think it's also important to mention the difference in our emotions. He is extremely sensitive and emotional so things might hit him harder. I am less of that so I personally started feeling okay again after 3 days.

    I ran into him recently and tried to get him to talk to me. Although he hesitated and said it was too soon to talk, I manage to get a small conversation out of him. We caught up a little bit and exchanged smiles. In the same convo, I asked him if he could meet up for the last time before we part ways and go truly no contact (for several months or up to a year to focus on ourselves and heal). I wanted to exchange kind words and well wishes before we go. We had to go soon so I asked him if he could unblock my number and call me the next day to talk more about it.

    The next morning, he called and we caught up more on the phone. We asked how each other were doing after the breakup and if we were okay. He appeared to be doing worse than me because he's naturally more sensitive and emotional. We talked about what was going on in our lives during the time we had no contact and laughed here and there about things. We set up a day and time to meet and then ended the phone conversation with good lucks to each other (for work and school). It was overall very friendly and upbeat.

    Literally the next day at 3am, he texts me telling me to give him back his stuff on the day we planned to meet and that we won't ever meet again. Clearly something is bothering him very much ,and I don't know exactly what is going on in his mind that he would text at 3am, which is very unusual for him. I responded when I woke up asking for clarity because he did a 180 on me.
    Throughout the day, he texts: "We're not going to be able to move on and heal until everything is over," "How can I move on if I'm still in contact with my ex?" "It's better this way for the both of us so this need to be taken care of soon," "I can't see keep seeings things coming from you in form of texts and stuff and being reminded of what was. It's too much." I told him to calm down and that I will hand him his stuff back the day we meet.

    The next day after that, he said, "Let's not meet. Just drop off my stuff in front of the door and that's it." I told him I will do so on the same day we were supposed to meet because that's actually the only time I can go to his house.

    2 days later, he tells me "You have 72 hours to do it or my dad will have to take care of it himself." I was thinking to myself what the is wrong with him?? Why is he so nasty like that? I didn't say or do anything that would warrant such nastiness at that time. I didn't even talk to him during the days in between either. I only reminded him once more that I will on so and so day that I've said many times before. I didn't say anything more because I wasn't going to engage in that nastiness. I seriously don't know what has gotten into his head.

    Overall, I was very taken back by his sudden change in attitude as the days passed while I have not engaged with him at all or a whole lot; except for the 2 conversations we had when I was able to reach out to him. I already have dropped off his stuff and rang the doorbell. I left him a note telling him to not talk to me or anything. I didn't want to engage with such a mean person and didn't want to hear any of it. He's normally a very sweet and caring person so this behavior is shocking to me. I know he's probably still very emotional right now and probably acting on his emotions so he's going to need a lot of cooling down. What in the hell was he thinking throughout all of this though? The dude did a 180.

  2. #2
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    The new girl he's dating probably found out he was planning to meet up with you and told him to choose, you or her.

    Yeah, you probably don't think he's seeing someone else, but none of us who got broken up with via text or email thought so either, until we found out from mutual friends or social media.

  3. #3
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Uhh really? I don't think so. That's so out of character for him. I know everything that goes on in his life including who he talks to so I highly doubt that. I forgot to mention how I had PMS and got a bit angry and lashed out at him the couple days before he broke up with me

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    What do you want us to say?

    Cause as leading as your post is, you asked a question as if you wanted our opinions

    And when given you turn down the advice...

    I personally don’t see why it matters, he’s an ex, exes don’t have to be friends or cordial, I think what he did was the mature thing, what you were attempting to do was leave the door open for reconciliation. Should he have been mean? No, did he owe you kindness, not necessarily, so I don’t think it’s something to lose sleep over.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    May I ask how old you guys are?

    A little something that I remind myself of in these moments is that everyone flails following a breakup. Everyone. We just flail in different ways. Some flail into yoga, others into swiping right. Some flail into spirituality, others into shots of whiskey. Some flail in mature closure talks, others flail by doing 180s. It's all kind of the same, at least for the first month.

    Point being, trying to decipher this is a fool's errand. His mode of ending a two year relationship—a text, then ghosting—is the mode of a dude who was already flailing pretty hard in an unremarkable way. Whatever led him on that path, it's his to walk now, not yours to try to map out. You'll just get dizzy, confused.

    My ex did some similar things when we broke up. Two sweet texts, followed by a sour avalanche. She'd want to meet and talk, then she'd want nothing more than her grandmother's pot which had been collecting dust in my garage for years. I left the pot at her door—the last physical remnants of our time together—and she responded with a tsunami of nasty. So it goes. Flailing. You can't reason with it. You just flail as you need to and try not worry too much about what the other is doing, thinking, feeling.

    I'm sorry you're not getting those mutual well wishes you'd like. They do soften the blow, a bit. But the blow is still the blow—and the thing worth reckoning with.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need to let this go. He doesnt want anything to do with you, his reasons are his reasons. All you can do is speculate and that wont get you anywhere. You blew it by harrassing him when you first split up, that would turn anyone off.

    You'll be a lot happier if you just let it go, hard as it may be.

  8. #7
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    What do you want us to say?

    Cause as leading as your post is, you asked a question as if you wanted our opinions

    And when given you turn down the advice...

    I personally don’t see why it matters, he’s an ex, exes don’t have to be friends or cordial, I think what he did was the mature thing, what you were attempting to do was leave the door open for reconciliation. Should he have been mean? No, did he owe you kindness, not necessarily, so I don’t think it’s something to lose sleep over.
    Just wanted to understand what is going on in his mind when he just flipped a 180. We had a respectful conversation and at the same time, he reminded me that he doesn't hate me or anything. The next few days, he turns into Mr. Hyde. I don't think it's weird to find importance in keeping it friendly with an ex. I don't just like him as a lover, I genuinely liked him as a person, too. No different from any other close friends in my life. I didn't plan on keeping in touch with him frequently after the breakup though because I know we need a long period of time to distance ourselves and heal. I just wanted to share a few kind words before we part ways so that we don't just go on with our lives feeling resentful. I never wanted that. I want to keep it positive and not bitter.

  9. #8
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    May I ask how old you guys are?

    A little something that I remind myself of in these moments is that everyone flails following a breakup. Everyone. We just flail in different ways. Some flail into yoga, others into swiping right. Some flail into spirituality, others into shots of whiskey. Some flail in mature closure talks, others flail by doing 180s. It's all kind of the same, at least for the first month.

    Point being, trying to decipher this is a fool's errand. His mode of ending a two year relationship—a text, then ghosting—is the mode of a dude who was already flailing pretty hard in an unremarkable way. Whatever led him on that path, it's his to walk now, not yours to try to map out. You'll just get dizzy, confused.

    My ex did some similar things when we broke up. Two sweet texts, followed by a sour avalanche. She'd want to meet and talk, then she'd want nothing more than her grandmother's pot which had been collecting dust in my garage for years. I left the pot at her door—the last physical remnants of our time together—and she responded with a tsunami of nasty. So it goes. Flailing. You can't reason with it. You just flail as you need to and try not worry too much about what the other is doing, thinking, feeling.

    I'm sorry you're not getting those mutual well wishes you'd like. They do soften the blow, a bit. But the blow is still the blow—and the thing worth reckoning with.
    We're in our early 20's. I wish things didn't go this way. We're both adults so I wished this was done with dignity and respect. I don't think that's asking for a lot. I know I can't make him do anything, but it's such a shame how someone can just take 2 years worth and stomp on it like that regardless of how they feel. I try to forgive him though, life is too short to be angry or hateful. He is extremely emotional and sensitive. His emotions dictate his every move, and I try to keep that in mind. He definitely needs to take a long period of time to cool down and .

  10. #9
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    You need to let this go. He doesnt want anything to do with you, his reasons are his reasons. All you can do is speculate and that wont get you anywhere. You blew it by harrassing him when you first split up, that would turn anyone off.

    You'll be a lot happier if you just let it go, hard as it may be.
    I'm trying to do things right because this isn't just an ex, this is a person I care about and a good friend. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells no matter which direction I take. I did apologize for harassing him the moment after he breakup texted me though because it was incredibly immature. I make it clear that I do not mean anything I said during that heated moment, and I was feeling a mixture of many emotions and acted out on them; as would most people who are in the receiving end of a breakup.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's natural, when breaking up, to want someone to give us something we can move forward with comfortably, gracefully—something to hold onto, you could say, in order to make letting go easier. Which, of course, is ironic. And, ultimately, it's not something we always get or another has to give.

    I can't help but feel that, just beneath your references to his emotionality and sensitivity, is something that could go by a less gauzy name: immaturity. Real, actual immaturity or a perception on your part that he isn't as mature as you. Doesn't quite matter. But it might be worth asking yourself if, over the past two years, there were moments when his "sensitivity" sometimes got in the way of his acting with "dignity and respect," as you define those qualities. If so, that he's doing so now shouldn't be such a surprise. Him being him, in short.

    Anyhow, I know it's hard. You care about him, he cares about you—those are facts, but facts you don't need to validate for each other, not anymore. That's what a breakup is, in part, the end of that validation loop and the beginning of a void you process on your own where before you processed things together. Sour stuff, hard stuff.

    Whatever it is you want from him right now is inside of you, to be cultivated by yourself, as you need to. Best to let go of expecting something from him, or expecting him to behave in the same way you are. Odds are that if all that was possible you wouldn't be where you are right now, you know?

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