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Thread: Ex-bf was nice and then super cold the next day. What is going on?

  1. #31
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    What I'm hearing is "if he'd just cut off his narc family and do things MY way, everything would be perfect!"
    I wonder if that's what he heard too.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not a fan of the idea that your ex-boyfriend filled you with a lot of negative images regarding his family. Resist calling him a narc. Engaging in them, developing a deeper relationship with an unhealthy family or individual only reflects on you. In other words, it doesn't look good on you. I feel like your boyfriend egged you on and you competed with your boyfriend's parents in playing a parental role that you felt his parents failed to fill adequately.

    This may be where the lines blurred and you came across as a little too overbearing. I feel like your relationships with him and his family have blurred and crossed the line. It crossed into a parent-child relationship, assuming a role that is not appropriate to you.

    The relationship and importance that you play in any relationship with his dad is insignificant for as long as there is little to no respect between the both of you. While you think that your opinion on what his dad is is supportive to your boyfriend's negative outlook, it's not contributing to your emotional and mental health. It's not supportive or helpful to you.

    You can't change another person's situation. Just be more aware of unhealthy situations and don't overextend yourself into inappropriate roles or absorb too much negative energy.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not a fan of the idea that your ex-boyfriend filled you with a lot of negative images regarding his family. Resist calling him a narc. Engaging in them, developing a deeper relationship with an unhealthy family or individual only reflects on you. In other words, it doesn't look good on you. I feel like your boyfriend egged you on and you competed with your boyfriend's parents in playing a parental role that you felt his parents failed to fill adequately.

    This may be where the lines blurred and you came across as a little too overbearing. I feel like your relationships with him and his family have blurred and crossed the line. It crossed into a parent-child relationship, assuming a role that is not appropriate to you.

    The relationship and importance that you play in any relationship with his dad is insignificant for as long as there is little to no respect between the both of you. While you think that your opinion on what his dad is is supportive to your boyfriend's negative outlook, it's not contributing to your emotional and mental health. It's not supportive or helpful to you.

    You can't change another person's situation. Just be more aware of unhealthy situations and don't overextend yourself into inappropriate roles or absorb too much negative energy.
    I'm not sure whether or not it'd make a difference had he not told me everything about his dad before I actually met him. I had a weird feeling about his dad when I first met him; it was this gut feeling that something was off. I've been nice to him because I was scared that he wouldn't like me at first. I wanted to always make a good impression. According to him however, I never did enough because I don't talk to him enough. And when I tried to talk to him more, it'd be about something else the next time. He's just constantly complaining about me and I try to fix this or that every time, then he finds something else about me to complain. I got really tired of his drama and became scared to even go over to the house anymore. He was straight up being really hurtful to me sometimes and it also upset me on how I let the dad affect me like that. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but he'd always make me feel like I did.

    My ex has told me himself that he has a lot of problems mentally because of his father/family and I understood why. I obviously would always be there to talk to him or anything when he's having some issues. It sounds about right though... sometimes it did feel like I was competing with his dad and trying to fix all this. Yeah, I guess I can't change his situation; I only wish it wasn't like this for him. His family situation has always been overwhelming whether I wanted to be involved with them or not. They'd always involve me regardless. I just couldn't deal with it sometimes. Overall, I tried my best to avoid them because they were just really negative and dramatic people, but like I said, they always tried to involve me in anything and everything; I know that because my ex would tell me about what his dad says about me even though I haven't seen him for months on end at times.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He's a lot closer to his family than you think or than you would like. It sounds like you had difficultly getting along with them and tried to turn him against them and he simply had enough. Rightfully so. Trying to sever people from loved ones, calling them crazy,etc, the stalking and harassing are all a bit abusive. You need to look into that and your behavior.

    You do not have to 'like' someone's family but you need to respect people, where they live and who their friends and family are. Do you come from an abusive home or where there is drinking, drugs or chronic conflict? Where do your attitudes and behaviors come from?
    Your words almost reflect his dad's. He would make up negative things about me, too. Assumed that I came from an abusive family because I had a depressive episode at one point. I got really upset when he trashed my parents for raising a "dumb bich" and he doesn't even know them at all. I came from a very loving family and everything he said about my family and I were really offensive and hurtful. All the things he talks about, he never says it to my face. He just tells my ex to then tell me about it, which was how I found out about everything in the first place. It seems like he uses my ex as a puppet to go and carry out his requests, the dad never does anything himself.

    I have never done anything to them like harassing or stalking or treating them like trash. I have my own problems, but accusing me of being abusive is just absurd to hear when the guy has threatened me and other people before. Is it a normal to overhear the dad yelling and threatening to find and slash his ex's tires and stuff? I was scared of him since then. That text my ex sent me about his dad taking care of things himself was just a reminder of what he could do... It was really shocking and bothersome but I won't hold it against him because I know he's not a truly vindictive person at heart.

    I've only ever tried to be nice to them because I didn't want there to be a nasty bond between me and them. They're my ex's family after all, and they mattered. Yet everything I do is wrong in his dad's eyes and he's always complaining about me. I tried everything to fix myself and he'd find the next thing to complain about. Nothing was ever good enough for him. I almost thought I was going crazy one time because I believed everything he said about me.

    It sounds like 90% of our relationship involved bad things and his dad, but it really didn't. Whenever his family/dad came up in our life though, they made a really big appearance/impact because it's always really negative/dramatic issues. It really bothered me because I don't live a very negative or dramatic life on a daily and I didn't like thinking about his dad/family.

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  6. #35
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    If you got back together you'd still be dealing with his dad. Plus, it seems he chose to take his dad's side given that he referenced having his dad handle getting his belongings back.

    You will.eventually meet someone else and hopefully you won't have to do battle with his family.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to invest this much energy in hating this exbf's dad/family. It's over. All you can do is learn that the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree and you can't change people. Dating is to observe people and their contexts. Do that rather than trying to change them, their families, etc. Ask your parents for help with things in the future rather than butt heads with other people's families. If that happens, walk away.
    Originally Posted by shrimpchips3
    It seems like he uses my ex as a puppet to go and carry out his requests, the dad never does anything himself.

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