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Thread: Ex-bf was nice and then super cold the next day. What is going on?

  1. #21
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Agree... all I could think when I read your post was "leave the guy alone already!"

    You need to stop playing games with him and do the right thing... cause right now you are coming across as a Stage 5 Clinger with a resentment as hot as the sun. Play it cool, drop his stuff off and go no contact so you can focus on moving on.
    That's exactly what he told me, too. He told me to stop playing games and I didn't know what he was talking about. I was trying to get him to calm down. I didn't know what I was doing... Thanks for explaining it to me.

  2. #22
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Break ups are hard every way around. I'm sorry this one is so abrupt. He might have felt a bit too intimidated by your personality. Without knowing either of you very well, there seems to be a bit of a personality clash there. He doesn't seem emotional to me in the sense that he's high strung or inordinately prone to sadness or whatever emotional might entail. The overrunning vibe I'm getting is intimidation and he's afraid of you. For whatever reason, your differences probably didn't allow for much dialogue and there may be a lot of insecurities there regarding your relationship and him not measuring up as a partner.
    This should also be a wake up call for you: out of respect for others, expect 50/50 on the friends with exes deal. If you're cool with it, it's 50/50 whether someone else is just not cool with it and you're going to have to respect that. Let him go and onwards and forwards.
    Really? I never thought he was... Specifically what would make you think that he's intimidated? If this was true, then I feel bad. I don't intend to make him feel anything like that. I always encouraged him to speak up if there was ever something bothering him. I'm not a mind reader and I'm not aware of how other's feel so it was important for us to communicate and be honest so that there aren't any misunderstandings.

    I feel like you're right about the insecurities because we had some conversations regarding this before. Based on the last conversation we had about this, he talked about how he feels like he's not good enough and that I deserve someone better. I asked him why he thinks that way and he told it's because he felt that nothing he was doing was enough for me. This came out of the time from when I needed help with a personal problem and he offered to help, but I said no thank you because it wasn't what I needed. He helps by talking and consoling, I needed like actual physical help... I didn't think it was a big deal, but he took this personally and got a bit offended. I clarified to him that I'm not saying he's useless, it's just that what he's offering isn't what I need at the time. He was fine after that clarification because he thought it was some personal attack on him or something.

    We also talked about how we express our love to each other differently. He expresses it through words and I express it by actions. I truly love him a lot and in my eyes, I was doing a lot for him action-wise; I'm less of a word person. However, I don't say "I love you" a lot and it made him feel like I didn't love him enough. I told him that I express love in actions rather than words. I buy him food, take care of him, help him with his career & school, buy him things he needs, give him money when his bank is low, make him food and feed him, go over to his house when he's sad, etc. I would not do any of that for anyone else except my close family. To me, that was my biggest way of showing him love. I kind of felt like I was taken for granted at that time because he didn't understand this. It's not a big deal, but after he voiced out this concern, I started saying "I love you" more and he started to acknowledge my actions. Also, it was the exact same thing for him, too, with words. I took him for granted as well and felt like he wasn't doing a lot because he said things more than he did them. I won't explain it because I think you get the idea.. This problem was resolved over a discussion though, that's why talking about things is important for us.

    Although we had conversations about whatever needed to be resolved, it was always me initiating these conversations. Unfortunately, he's the type to avoid conflicts whenever it arises. There was a couple of times when he held in a problem and got really emotional and hurt over it that he blocked me on all social medias. At first, I asked him what was wrong because I felt that he wasn't feeling okay. All of a sudden, he ghosts me and I get worried and don't hear from him till the next 2 days. During the times when he ghosted me, I tried reaching out in other ways because I seriously don't know what the was going on or what happened. I was worried if something happened to him. When he unblocked me, we talked again. He told me he blocked me because he needed space and he was too hurt and emotional to talk to or see anyone. He said he didn't want to talk about problems because he doesn't want to feel bad or guilty. Afterwards, we have a long conversation about whatever the problem is and things get better from there. We further our understanding of each other and clear up any confusions. Honestly, I have gotten pretty annoyed by his behavior when it comes to conflicts. I still find it pretty childish of him to run away every time. He runs away because he feels bad though so I try to keep that in mind every time. I don't want him to feel bad, I'm not trying to make him feel bad. I'm just trying to talk things out and not ignore them.

    Yeah.. I can't force him to be friends with me, he has to want it, too. It just sucks that some dumb like this ruined a great friendship. It sounds like were problematic, but in a bigger picture, this has been the best 2 years for the both of us. We've never been happier. We had old souls, we liked doing boring and it was fun for us. We were 2 different pieces of puzzles but we fit. I miss joking with him, our unique, immature sense of humor. I miss talking about other people with him and making fun of his crazy family members with him. I missed those deep conversations we had whenever we went out to look at the stars and stayed up till 2am. I have a lot of friends but he was the only one who I could be with 24/7 and never get tired. The last time I saw him, he smiled and that's the person I'll remember. He wasn't just a boyfriend, he was a best friend. I'd want to hear his successes and achievements in life. After a long period of time, hopefully we can be friends one day. I wouldn't want some ty breakup or past to ruin a gem. I'm not the type to hold grudges or be resentful. We're really young and very immature; it ultimately ed up our relationship. I recently started no contact for real. I left him a little note though before I started. I wrote everything I just said in this paragraph and also "When we're both ready, let's meet again as new people with clean slates when we have put this all behind us. We can slowly rebuild that connection and trust again. For now, let's focus on ourselves and heal, it's going to take a while. Good luck and I wish you the best."

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Romances change friendships and complicate things.. There is no going back.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That behaviour in a relationship would raise some red flags for me, enough to question and not simply accept a person for being 'emotional'. What you're describing is serious instability, in my mind. It's good that both of you tried to communicate despite these issues. In all your relationships going forward it's always a positive trait to encourage open communication (two-way communication).

    Unfortunately you learned the hard way that when a person presents themselves as a certain way in a relationship, things rarely change in a different way during a break up. You said he did a 180 in the break up. He didn't. He simply reverted back to his old state.

    I think you're doing the right thing letting go. This really was not a sustainable relationship and I don't feel either of you were equipped to deal with his unique reactions and reversions into different emotional states. I don't think the relationship part of this was dumb. It's hard and it's painful now and you're missing someone a lot but it will all make sense eventually and smooth out over time. In time, you'll see the whole picture: friendship and relationship and you'll realize how valuable all those lessons are. You'll also meet new people in your life who will introduce you to new things and new ideas and you'll slowly put all the pieces together about what works for you and what doesn't work. It will be ok.

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  6. #25
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    That behaviour in a relationship would raise some red flags for me, enough to question and not simply accept a person for being 'emotional'. What you're describing is serious instability, in my mind. It's good that both of you tried to communicate despite these issues. In all your relationships going forward it's always a positive trait to encourage open communication (two-way communication).
    Unfortunately you learned the hard way that when a person presents themselves as a certain way in a relationship, things rarely change in a different way during a break up. You said he did a 180 in the break up. He didn't. He simply reverted back to his old state.
    I think you're doing the right thing letting go. This really was not a sustainable relationship and I don't feel either of you were equipped to deal with his unique reactions and reversions into different emotional states. I don't think the relationship part of this was dumb. It's hard and it's painful now and you're missing someone a lot but it will all make sense eventually and smooth out over time. In time, you'll see the whole picture: friendship and relationship and you'll realize how valuable all those lessons are. You'll also meet new people in your life who will introduce you to new things and new ideas and you'll slowly put all the pieces together about what works for you and what doesn't work. It will be ok.
    Right, communication was key.

    He really is...I know that no one is perfect and everything has flaws. Those were his flaws and I work around it or find ways to handle it; it's a compromise. I think it's important that I mention this: He came from a broken family so he's probably a broken person, too. His family are narcissists and his mom and dad are divorced (for cheating, lying, stealing money). He lives with his dad and siblings and the dynamic is just really off. His dad likes to complain to him all the time and make him feel bad so there's never a moment in that household where he genuinely feels good. He told me that he feels like a living mistake in there, everything he does is wrong. He grew up seeing his father with woman after woman and he would break up with them through text, too! His dad is equally as sensitive and emotional as him. He always told me how he never wanted to be like his father because he knows what a chitty person he is. Sometimes he's not aware that he resembles him in the way he does things. I try to warn him about it and although he takes in that information, he also kind of gets offended and sensitive about it. Anyways, I'm 100% positive that his behaviors and everything about him are influenced by his childhood and even now. He developed insecurities and many other things based on the way he grew up, it's really sad.

    He's still living with his dad and I feel like his dad had a bit of influence on our relationship. His dad hates me because I don't like him. I see through all his chit and he's not a very genuine and nice person. He talks chit about literally everyone, including me; he called me a crazy bich when I was at the lowest point of my life, I had depression. I'll never forget that... how can someone stoop so low? His dad always wanted him to breakup with me whenever we fought. Whenever we had trouble between us, his dad would jump on the opportunity to tell him to breakup with me. As a matter of fact, the whole blocking, ghosting, and throwing all my stuff away was his idea from the start when we had a little tiff. He's seriously pathetic and it felt like he was part of the relationship sometimes. I can't imagine the chit he is saying about me now after we broke up for good. He's the most immature almost 60 yr old, I've ever known. In a world without his batchit insane family, I think he would've been mentally healthy and fairly normal. He's a good person, just insanely affected by a broken narc family. We have talked about all of this many times before. Regardless of all this, I never tried to let it affect us. Maybe he kind of did though...

    Even after all that we've talked about, he really did end up doing the same chit... How he feels and what he's thinking is beyond me because he sent me a single breakup text without any explanation and that was it.

    I'll never think badly of the relationship. It's just so funny in a dark way that we had some really nice days prior to the breakup and then bam, it hits all of a sudden. It feels like a sudden car crash; you just don't see it coming. Regardless of everything, I'll always be forever grateful for the 2 years and all that he has given and shown me. He gave me so much love and care. He has shown me that it's okay to open up and trust people. He was a gift and a blessing and I'll never forget that. In the end, I still reminded him how thankful I am. I really did have the best 2 years of my life. I learned a lot from him and it's crazy to say, but I would do it all over again if I had a reset button.

    Thank you for your opinions. Part of this is also a learning experience. I'm inexperienced with dating/relationships so I welcome any type of insightful input available. It's hard right now, but I know it's not the end of my life yet. I'm still growing and I'm still young I still have a long way to go and along the way, people will come along; I might meet some of the best people and some of the worst.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If he lives with his father, you need to stay out of it. It's not your place to trash or disrespect him, no matter how he is. Your hatred and disrespect for his family may be a huge factor in the breakup. Who would put up with some girl who constantly trashes and disrespects his family. What were you thinking?

    No matter your opinion, they are his family and he lives with them. Considering the spamming, clinging, stalking and harassing you've done to him/them, you need to look in the mirror and get to therapy asap for yourself. Don't worry about how 'batchit crazy' they are, worry about yourself and your family. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and get a referral to a therapist. You sound very angry.
    Originally Posted by shrimpchips3
    His dad hates me because I don't like him. In a world without his batchit insane family, I think he would've been mentally healthy and fairly normal.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I know how hard these moments are. Been through a handful of emotional car wrecks myself. It's part of the business of living.

    What I'd suggest, whenever the time is right on your healing journey, is to try to use this time to dig into yourself with the same energy you are digging into him at the moment. We can write the most nuanced of psychological dissertations on another person, grabbing at all the diagnostic terms that have slipped into pop speak, but we can't change them, can't grow them, can't mold them into what we want through understanding their every nook and cranny. Understanding our own nooks and crannies, on the other hand? That's how we come into greater focus for ourselves.

    Something that struck me in your above post: the statement that your ex is "probably broken." In fact, much of the subtext in your last two, very long posts is just that: you describing, in language of love and compassion, a human being you believe to be broken, almost as if he is a project, something you can fix and, in the process, elevate to a level that fits more naturally with you. In ways what you sound most frustrated with is that he is him rather than being more like you.

    That's a pretty common dynamic out there in the land of relationships, and it's rarely a sustainable one. No one, even the most broken of souls, wants to be defined as broken by someone who loves them. It's belittling, constraining, and, like Rose observed, intimidating. They generally react by alternating between playing that role, to reinforce what their partner sees, and rebelling against it in destructive ways, to find the sense of personhood and independence that humans naturally crave. In swinging between those two poles they don't quite feel like themselves, like a human being who is growing at their own unique pace and being appreciated, simply, as that. They just stay broken, since broken has been rewarded and validated through love.

    The one doing the fixing, meanwhile, tends to take on the parent-like burden you seem to have taken on with him: doing the emotional heavy lifting, exerting patience, and quietly (and not so quietly) fighting off feelings of resentment when their project proves cumbersome and burdensome, depriving the "fixer" of the emotional reward of keeping the ship steady. Since the fixer gets very little from the partner, especially during trying moments, he or she finds comfort in believing that once x, y, or z falls into place everything will be better, fixed. It's dating potential as much as it is an actual human; it's taking solace in a story when reality comes up short.

    Anyhow, it might be worth exploring why you are, or were, drawn to someone you believe to be broken, what believing you could "fix" him offered you spiritually. Plenty of people come from "broken" worlds without being defined by them, beholden to them. So while I understand the comfort of blaming his shortcomings on his "broken narc family" and to believe that he "would've been mentally healthy and fairly normal" under different circumstances, the fact of the matter is that he is an autonomous adult, a young one, but one who is accountable for himself and his own actions. He chose to respond in the ways he responded, to communicate, or not, in the ways he did. That was not his mother or father, but him, just as it was you who chose to engage, not your mother or father pulling your own strings.

    Being attracted to the potential in someone, and turned on by trying to cultivate it, is natural when we're young. So much of life is still about potential. Jobs, money, homes, passions: these things are all in flux, still out on the horizon, blurry, and we use our brains to tell stories to fill the gaps—that the job waiting tables is just a step toward writing the novel, that the home shared with six friends is a step toward living on our own, that the boyfriend who blocks and cowers in moments of conflict will grow into a communicative man. But people are different. We get what they give us, what is in front of us, so to invest in who they might become, with some patient coaxing and training, isn't the wisest move.

    Anyhow, some things to think about, or not, as you process things.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's ok to feel frustrated and upset. The plus about you is that you are clear and articulate. Your thoughts are articulate and you don't shy away from your frustrations. I also don't sense that you are capable of bearing long term grudges but you are very self-aware and cognitive of what's right and wrong to you. Experience the pain and frustration and recognize when certain personalities are not good for you. One day you'll have a family of your own or be a part of one, if luck permits, and you'll be looking for traits and things that help you too as a parent or a partner in a relationship or marriage. The overarching theme is teamwork and learning to bridge gaps when there seem to be very large divides. You'll also realize along the way that you can't do things all on your own especially if you've learned to include new people in your life and are part of a larger whole or have a family.

    Wiseman and Bluecastle covered the other items I might have covered also in regards to love, respect and teamwork when it comes to inviting people into your life. It's usually easier for you and easier on the people around you if you emphasize those traits and overall themes. We all go through experiences that don't really work for us and we learn bit by bit. It kind of sucks and it's not easy all the time but eventually we start to understand what produces more peace and you'll also see what prolonged or sustained love and respect can do for a relationship. When you feel yourself reacting strongly to situations that cause you to feel negative or confused especially for a prolonged or longer period of time (your reaction to one person is consistently negative as in you feel negatively) you should be asking yourself questions about whether these people are positively influencing your life or your self-growth.

    It's really up to you where you want to take yourself. It's usually a good idea to listen to your instincts and learn from your experiences and also keep tabs on the way situations make you feel. I don't feel there are any issues with you coming to conclusions on your own or making decisions or being proactive. Those are your strengths.

    I like the emphasis on balance also when it comes to giving and taking and the different roles we play with our partners. Bluecastle covered most of it. Be your usual smart and aware self and take things in stride. Not everyone will be on the same page, we all have different backgrounds. It won't always mean that everyone will understand you at first or at all and there will probably be a lot of people you won't see eye to eye with and that is ok.

    So go ahead and feel and be frustrated and upset but don't stay there too long. Come out when you're ready. You're completely right about the whole world waiting for you and that your life is in front of you - lots of decisions to be made and life to be lived.

  10. #29
    Member shrimpchips3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    If he lives with his father, you need to stay out of it. It's not your place to trash or disrespect him, no matter how he is. Your hatred and disrespect for his family may be a huge factor in the breakup. Who would put up with some girl who constantly trashes and disrespects his family. What were you thinking?
    No matter your opinion, they are his family and he lives with them. Considering the spamming, clinging, stalking and harassing you've done to him/them, you need to look in the mirror and get to therapy asap for yourself. Don't worry about how 'batchit crazy' they are, worry about yourself and your family. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and get a referral to a therapist. You sound very angry.
    I don't think you understand. His father is a narc. I have done absolutely nothing to his dad. The only exchanges I've had with him ever are hellos and how are you. I rarely see him because I wanted to stay out of his radar and drama; I've been told many stories about him by my ex and none of them were good. Yet this man has threatened to call the police on me because my ex and I were hanging out too much. His dad proposed to "ban" me from seeing my ex. He was just crazy. He tries to get involved in things that really shouldn't involve him. It's like tries to get himself to be part of my ex's relationships; with his friends and me. The extent of him doing this is grossly inappropriate.

    Apparently he has also threatened my ex's friends in the past before over really normal things, and they have never even met the man. I've had enough of him when he started talking chit about me when he heard that I was going through depression. That's never okay. No one genuinely respects this man and I'm not the first one. My ex may live with him but his father has been keeping him on a hook from the start; I can see through all that he does and it's gross.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's a lot closer to his family than you think or than you would like. It sounds like you had difficultly getting along with them and tried to turn him against them and he simply had enough. Rightfully so. Trying to sever people from loved ones, calling them crazy,etc, the stalking and harassing are all a bit abusive. You need to look into that and your behavior.

    You do not have to 'like' someone's family but you need to respect people, where they live and who their friends and family are. Do you come from an abusive home or where there is drinking, drugs or chronic conflict? Where do your attitudes and behaviors come from?
    Originally Posted by shrimpchips3
    he tells me "You have 72 hours to do it or my dad will have to take care of it himself."

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