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Thread: Half baked plan to be with someone in another state. Does it sound good?

  1. #1
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    Half baked plan to be with someone in another state. Does it sound good?

    So I had met this woman a few years ago at a venue her and I would both frequent. At the time I had met her she was in a relationship and by the time she was single I was in a relationship. A couple months ago she moved to another state on the other side of the country. I had casually suggested coming out there to visit sometime next year and was met with an enthusiastic yes to that offer. Since then we've been talking nearly everyday via social media and we really click both in our interests and sense of humor. Having mentioned wanting to get out of my state pretty badly, she immediately said that I'd love it out there and offered to let me stay with her. Now I'm definitely here for another 11 months because it will take awhile to be in a good financial position and for my lease to be up.

    At any rate I think I'll be able to visit by some time in the Spring and had already expressed some interest in her in the past when she wasn't exactly available. Does this actually sound like it's panning out?

  2. #2
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'd slow down if I were you. It's alarming that she's willing to allow you to live in her home without really knowing you and only corresponding with you via social media.

    Co-habitating is a whole different ballgame compared to lighthearted humor and online chatting.

    I think you should take it SLOWER. Instead of planning so much in advance, why don't you actually try to meet this woman in person first? Don't search for another job, quit your current job, uproot and move across the country for a woman you've never met in your life! How asinine is that?

    Moving to another state and across the country is a big deal. You're changing careers and starting an entire new life and planning your future with a total stranger. Don't wait until NEXT year to meet her. If you're serious, meet her now. Get to know her more than just a few dates, get to know each others personalities, characters and foibles thoroughly BEFORE making final decisions for a LDR (long distance relationship) and making draconian changes to your lifestyle.

    Be sensible and logical. Don't let emotions and infatuation cloud your judgment. Exercise discernment.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's too far off to tell. It sounds more like you're using her rather than moving on from your current unhappy living/working situation (wherever you are at right now in your life). It might be a better idea to address your self-esteem issues if you have any because you're 1) looking for love in a totally different state and 2) you're looking for reassurance on a plan that's 11 months away. None of this makes sense. Half-baked sounds about right. Take it easy and just work out moving if you want to leave so bad. Worry about women when you actually are set up wherever you want to set up.

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    I'll exercise caution especially because it's so far off but we're not necessarily total strangers. I'm going to play it by ear but so far it seems promising

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    I'm definitely not using her to get out of a bad situation. She's actually someone I'm very fond of and the change of scenery would just be a plus.

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    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beastelstein
    I'll exercise caution especially because it's so far off but we're not necessarily total strangers. I'm going to play it by ear but so far it seems promising
    If you've never met her in person in your LIFE and only via social media, yes in many ways, she's a total stranger because you've never been with her in real life. Yes, take it slow, play it by ear and see where this friendship or relationship takes you. Don't make long range plans such as career change and uprooting across the country especially since you've never met her face to face yet.

    You don't know a person unless you meet them and spend LOTS OF TIME with them. Then you'll find out what you do and don't like about them warts and all.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    OMG slow down. It's one thing to go visit her and stay in a hotel while there, and a whole other thing to move in with her. That is a really bad idea. Take your time to get to know her, dont jump from the frying pan into the fire.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    When did you break up? It sounds like you're grasping at straws and looking to fill some voids.
    Originally Posted by Beastelstein
    I was in a relationship.

    we've been talking nearly everyday via social media and we really click both in our interests and sense of humor.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Beastelstein
    I'm definitely not using her to get out of a bad situation. She's actually someone I'm very fond of and the change of scenery would just be a plus.
    Um, yes, you are:
    "Its a long story but my gf of a few years became incredibly toxic to me. She was cutting me off from my family and was incredibly incosistent with her attitude towards me on a daily basis. It was so unhealthy I ran off to a friends house last week and changed my number. She left my house so I was able to move back in with a couple friends but living here is absolutely killing me.

    I think about her everyday and it's incredibly soul crushing. This was my first real long term partner and I loved her since a young age. I've been obsessively trying to find new dates or social opportunities even though I know I'm not ready. Indulging in my hobbies has become difficult because I'm so sad all the time. I live far away from a lot of my friends and family since I moved away for a job opportunity. I'm on the brink of ending my life everyday and I dont know what to do."

    You wrote this on 5/31. Only a little over two months ago. Sounds like you're trying to find something or someone to relieve the pain of this breakup. Moving in with someone you hardly know is not the answer.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Your plan is extremely likely to fail for many reasons:
    1. It's not the normal pace of dating. Making the momentous decision of moving in with someone shouldn't happen before a minimum of one year of successful dating. Going from seeing someone zero percent to 100 percent in the blink of an eye would be smothering. It's also makes breaking up a lot harder because you have to divide households.

    2. Even though she lightheartedly agreed that plan was good, she will soon be overwhelmed: "Oh my God. This guy is moving all the way across the country to be with me. What if I'm not feeling it and want to break up?"

    3. Seems risky to entertain the idea of dating a woman who gave you her digits when she knew you were romantically interested and she was in a relationship at the time. You can expect the same now, that if she's with you, she can be giving out her number to men she meets out and about.

    If you need a change in life and want to move there, don't do it unless you can financially live on your own and have set up a job there in advance. Tell her you need a change and even if dating her doesn't work out, that's okay. You will make the new place your home regardless. And then date her at the normal pace of any new relationship. IMO, that's the only way to ensure a higher risk for this plan.

    And always keep a life outside of having a gf with hobbies and hanging out with guy friends. That way if the relationship doesn't work out, it's not as devastating since you have a fulfilling life solo. Meetup.com is a great way to find people who share your interests in activities.

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