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Thread: Very sad and needing to vent

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered that this is not related? That the relationships end because they weren't right or meant to last and that sex has nothing to do with it. Think of it logically. If they end either way, then sex has nothing to do with it.
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    Guys either leave me because I wonít have sex, or because I do have sex. Sex or no sex ends all of my relationships. Why is sex my blocker?

  2. #42
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Have you considered that this is not related? That the relationships end because they weren't right or meant to last and that sex has nothing to do with it. Think of it logically. If they end either way, then sex has nothing to do with it.
    Agree with you Wise One... I think the OP blames the problem on sex to avoid looking at the deeper core issues that cause her to end up in these situations.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    When you first meet someone, that's the time to put your dating style on the table and let a prospect know that you're not sex material outside of a committed relationship. This is basic screening stuff. Either you're willing to do it, or not. If not, that's not against the law,but it positions you as a hapless candle in the wind to someone else's pushiness and expectations that you refused to address up front. Not a good foundation for finding the RIGHT match for you.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Have you considered that this is not related? That the relationships end because they weren't right or meant to last and that sex has nothing to do with it. Think of it logically. If they end either way, then sex has nothing to do with it.
    I guess it always seems like a direct result of sex.

    The relationships are fine until the guy starts pressuring/asking for sex. Things almost immediately fall apart as soon as I refuse or agree. I know that the second a man starts asking for sex in a relationship, itís over. I feel if I had the skills, knowledge or suave to let a man know Iím not ready for sex at the time heís asking, something in the past 5.5 years that Iíve been single would have worked out.

    Iím at the point where sex terrifies me. I have no clue how to deal with it, and how other people can have it and have a man still like, want and respect them after two or three times. Nothing good has ever come from it for me.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    When you first meet someone, that's the time to put your dating style on the table and let a prospect know that you're not sex material outside of a committed relationship. This is basic screening stuff. Either you're willing to do it, or not. If not, that's not against the law,but it positions you as a hapless candle in the wind to someone else's pushiness and expectations that you refused to address up front. Not a good foundation for finding the RIGHT match for you.
    I would really like to do that. However, Iíve been seeing a lot of dating advice claiming that leading with a conversation like this will turn all men away. It makes me look like Iíve already made up my mind that I want a relationship with the guy, and Iím more interested in a relationship than the guy.

    A few years ago I dated a guy who started asking for sex, and I told him I needed for us to get tested for STDs, and I needed to be in a relationship with the person I was sleeping with. He said he thought we were in a relationship, got tested for STDs and started introducing me as his gf. After having sex twice he broke up with me. Immediately after sex he stopped calling and being affectionate with me. His personality completely changed as it does with all men I sleep with. It was exactly 2.5 weeks later. We only dated around 2-3 months.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    I would really like to do that. However, Iíve been seeing a lot of dating advice claiming that leading with a conversation like this will turn all men away. It makes me look like Iíve already made up my mind that I want a relationship with the guy, and Iím more interested in a relationship than the guy.
    Sorry, but that's just plain stupid advice. People create profiles all the time that rule out one night stands and casual sex, and they clarify that they are dating to find a committed relationship. The goal of telling someone you meet that you are relationship material and asking whether they view themselves the same way is to screen OUT bad matches.

    Most people are NOT our match. That's the point. You WANT anyone who's not dating for the same reasons as you to walk on, not stick around to manipulate from you exactly what you do NOT want.

    If you believe that you need to pretzel yourself to conform to whatever you believe a potential date is looking for, then you will continue to waste your time on bad matches instead of discarding them early to move yourself forward in finding your RIGHT match.

    You can clown around like that if you want, but you're the one who's tired of the results. When you get tired enough, maybe you'll solidify for yourself exactly what you DO want, then you won't be afraid to voice that to everyone you meet--up front--and let the chips fall. You'll stop wasting your time and self esteem on catering to users, and you'll grow more confident in your judgment and your screening skills.

    The right match for you is out there seeking you, but you're too busy catering to 'casual' to make yourself available to him. Not a great strategy.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Sorry, but that's just plain stupid advice. People create profiles all the time that rule out one night stands and casual sex, and they clarify that they are dating to find a committed relationship. The goal of telling someone you meet that you are relationship material and asking whether they view themselves the same way is to screen OUT bad matches.

    Most people are NOT our match. That's the point. You WANT anyone who's not dating for the same reasons as you to walk on, not stick around to manipulate from you exactly what you do NOT want.

    If you believe that you need to pretzel yourself to conform to whatever you believe a potential date is looking for, then you will continue to waste your time on bad matches instead of discarding them early to move yourself forward in finding your RIGHT match.

    You can clown around like that if you want, but you're the one who's tired of the results. When you get tired enough, maybe you'll solidify for yourself exactly what you DO want, then you won't be afraid to voice that to everyone you meet--up front--and let the chips fall. You'll stop wasting your time and self esteem on catering to users, and you'll grow more confident in your judgment and your screening skills.

    The right match for you is out there seeking you, but you're too busy catering to 'casual' to make yourself available to him. Not a great strategy.
    That makes a ton of sense. If I had walked away the first time this last guy told me he was into ďhaving sex without a relationshipĒ, Iíd have been better off.

    My mistake was discussing it with him, and giving him a chance to dress it up in a way that sounded like what I wanted. He eventually got extremely angry and would yell at me when Iíd use the terms uncommitted sex, casual, FWB and hookups. He said those werenít things he was looking for and when I said them, it sounded dirty and made him feel like some dirtbag who was trying to take advantage of me.

    It came to a point where I couldnít even discuss this with him because I knew Iíd be met with intense anger. When he started flip-flopping our agreement, heíd yell and say, ďYouíre messing up a really good thingĒ. That specific phrase got to me because the guy I dated before him would say that when I refused to sleep with him.

    Maybe I should say this and really pay attention to the guyís first reaction. I feel like all men are going to pretend to want a relationship with me so they can have sex with me if they think thatís what Iím looking for.

    How do you suggest I discern whether a man is pretending to want a relationship with me for sex?

  9. #48
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take a break from All dating. Only therapy can help you with this. Keep in mind sex is a normal healthy part of a romantic relationship, when it's mutually desired, agreeable and consensual. No one can "pressure you for sex". It's either no or yes. And only when you feel ready. You have complete control over this by having dates that are in public and steering the dating course in a direction you want it to go.

    The whole "guys only want one thing" mentality will assure you great distress and unhappiness in your dating life. It sounds like bitterness or damage that can only be healed and redirected with appropriate therapy. It's not men or sex or dating that's the problem. It's your interpersonal actions and attitudes. It doesn't matter who you date or what you do or don't do, with this mentality, you'll be very unhappy.
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    I guess it always seems like a direct result of sex. Iím at the point where sex terrifies me.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    I would really like to do that. However, Iíve been seeing a lot of dating advice claiming that leading with a conversation like this will turn all men away. It makes me look like Iíve already made up my mind that I want a relationship with the guy, and Iím more interested in a relationship than the guy.
    You need to change the way you view this and the way you go about addressing this.

    I rarely know early on whether I want to committed relationship with a man that I have had a couple dates with, but at some point these talks about personal values do come up. (well, at least they should)

    When I am having this talk with a man I am careful when choosing my words. I am not interested or asking anything from him at this point. I am however, telling him what my values are without asking anything from him. This early on I don't want anything from him.

    It works best when you believe in yourself and have convictions about your values. You can't do this while at the same time feeling insecure and afraid of their reaction. If this is who you are, then own it.

    I merely state how I operate. The best part is when you believe in yourself and believe you are worth it, men respect that and their interest goes up. They quickly notice that have a sense of value in yourself and you aren't going to waste your time with someone who is either not looking for the same thing or who wants someone to toy with.

    I might tell them that "I respect where ever they are at and whatever they are looking for, however I am not very good a casual sex and it's something I'd rather save for someone I see potential in and we have agreed, at some point, to no longer date others and see where this goes. But it's still early and I'd like to get to know you better"

    Using the word commitment is heavy. Agreeing to see only each other for the time being is something I think most people are comfortable with. Heck, I wouldn't commit to a man before I have sex with him, but I would prefer to be exclusive. If that makes sense

    It's much easier to say these things early on when you have nothing to lose. I personally consider my free time valuable and I don't want to give up my time for someone who doesn't share or respect my values.

    When I started doing this. .well, it was scary at first, but the responses were positive. That reinforced that I was on the right track and dating just got that much easier. Players fell by the wayside pretty quickly and it made room for quality, interested men

    10,000th post bytheway. Not that anyone's counting :)
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 08-15-2019 at 05:22 PM.

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