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Thread: Very sad and needing to vent

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I have to ask: Have you been honest with your counselors and coaches? Have you told them about the "mean things" this guy said and did, or did you paint a different version because you were ashamed?

    I ask that with zero judgment, do know, as I don't judge you for any of this. No shame in whatever steps we need to take to find the right path—in our selves and toward the right people. Been down some strange roads myself. Had to own that, fully, to find some new roads.
    They were always on call, and I was usually all worked up when telling the stories. I would tell them he’d get angry and yell at me a lot, but not get into what he was saying. He’d always put hickeys on my neck to “mark his territory”, and I told them about that and they just said he sounded a little insecure. The worst things, no. I didn’t tell anyone.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Whatever those things are—with him, with anyone—I'm sorry about that.

    It sounds like, deep in your core, you had a sense that something was off. That right there is the gold, nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully this is all one step closer to helping you see that—to not squelch out that core but strengthen it, affirm it. Therapy can be great for that—has been for me, for whatever that's worth—but we've got to give them all the facts in order to face them, understand them, and demystify them for ourselves.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I missed your longer response to my earlier post. Whoa. Dude ain't nowhere near your level. And, yeah, it sounds like there is a more pressing challenge before you than the 100 dates thing, one focused on understanding why someone can criticize and minimize you like that and instead of seeing it as their sh*t (and sh*t to say away from) you process it as yours (something you can clean up by taking on their mess).

    Unlock that door and it's much smoother sailing out there, be it 10 dates or 10,000.

    Because you sound pretty awesome, you know? Killer job on your own terms, and a cool car? Zoom zoom, all that. And fit to boot? Triple zoom. That some of that drive has maybe been your harnessing childhood wounds into productive fuel—well, that's just more zoom that everyone should respect and the right person will swoon for, compelled and comforted where a dude like this was intimidated, emasculated.

    But until you see it all like that you'll be vulnerable to people who find your fragile spots, exploit them, and turn them on you. That's kind of what I love about therapy: it gets us intimate with our fragile corners so people can't poke at them in a way that makes us dizzy. They'll always poke at them, sure, but those who do are just the wrong people for us.

    We've got some similarities, you and I, in our lives. Won't bother with the play by play. But from the childhood stuff to the early success stuff to the fit stuff—suffice to say I can relate. Because some of my fuel came from darkness—that deep darkness that'll be part of me forever, a little gift from one of my parents—there's always been a little part of me (my fragile corner) that feels like a fraud, damaged goods undeserving of things I've broken my brain to make reality, like the exquisite view out my fine home and the motorcycles I own and ride whenever I want because I've never had a boss.

    Once upon a time I felt "bad" about all that, and that probably led me, here and there, to get tangled up in people who felt "bad" being around me and cut me down to feel a little better. No longer, though that little glitch will probably be there forever, ready for exploitation in the wrong hands. Got involved with someone last year who found it, pressed it, spun me around good. But I've gotten pretty cozy with that part of me—it's no longer mysterious—and built another one that kind of says: if you want to spin me, poke at me, make me feel bad for being me—go for it. Next thing you'll see is me walking in the opposite direction and not looking back.

    I hope you find that version of your own reflex, that you can build that up along with whatever CrossFit offers you physically and your professional hustle offers you financially. It's a kind of personal vulnerability, an acquaintance with your softer stuff so you can cherish it, protect it, and find people who will cherish it and protect it back. Being super fit and having some money are good things, but they're just props and masks if we don't have that other strength too.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I missed your longer response to my earlier post. Whoa. Dude ain't nowhere near your level. And, yeah, it sounds like there is a more pressing challenge before you than the 100 dates thing, one focused on understanding why someone can criticize and minimize you like that and instead of seeing it as their sh*t (and sh*t to say away from) you process it as yours (something you can clean up by taking on their mess).

    Unlock that door and it's much smoother sailing out there, be it 10 dates or 10,000.

    Because you sound pretty awesome, you know? Killer job on your own terms, and a cool car? Zoom zoom, all that. And fit to boot? Triple zoom. That some of that drive has maybe been your harnessing childhood wounds into productive fuel—well, that's just more zoom that everyone should respect and the right person will swoon for, compelled and comforted where a dude like this was intimidated, emasculated.

    But until you see it all like that you'll be vulnerable to people who find your fragile spots, exploit them, and turn them on you. That's kind of what I love about therapy: it gets us intimate with our fragile corners so people can't poke at them in a way that makes us dizzy. They'll always poke at them, sure, but those who do are just the wrong people for us.

    We've got some similarities, you and I, in our lives. Won't bother with the play by play. But from the childhood stuff to the early success stuff to the fit stuff—suffice to say I can relate. Because some of my fuel came from darkness—that deep darkness that'll be part of me forever, a little gift from one of my parents—there's always been a little part of me (my fragile corner) that feels like a fraud, damaged goods undeserving of things I've broken my brain to make reality, like the exquisite view out my fine home and the motorcycles I own and ride whenever I want because I've never had a boss.

    Once upon a time I felt "bad" about all that, and that probably led me, here and there, to get tangled up in people who felt "bad" being around me and cut me down to feel a little better. No longer, though that little glitch will probably be there forever, ready for exploitation in the wrong hands. Got involved with someone last year who found it, pressed it, spun me around good. But I've gotten pretty cozy with that part of me—it's no longer mysterious—and built another one that kind of says: if you want to spin me, poke at me, make me feel bad for being me—go for it. Next thing you'll see is me walking in the opposite direction and not looking back.

    I hope you find that version of your own reflex, that you can build that up along with whatever CrossFit offers you physically and your professional hustle offers you financially. It's a kind of personal vulnerability, an acquaintance with your softer stuff so you can cherish it, protect it, and find people who will cherish it and protect it back. Being super fit and having some money are good things, but they're just props and masks if we don't have that other strength too.
    Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve never put my vulnerabilities into the context of “fragile spots”, but it resonates. You are such an kind, humble and generous person, and your advice has really given me clarity. I know what I need to do, and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything anymore. I understand I was paired with someone who looked suitable, but was not suitable for me and I did the right thing by cutting the contact. My priority is to get better so this doesn’t happen again, and I can finally find the healthy and uplifting relationship I can’t even visualize at this point in my life.

    I’m happy to hear of your successes, and I hope they last a lifetime.

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  6. #25
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    I know I am getting to this discussion a little late but "Says he needs to ease into relationships, but likes to act like a couple until he reaches that point," is SUCH a load of utter codswallop! So basically, you give him everything he would get in a committed relationship, he give you no commitment. Then he gets all the power by deciding if he wants a relationship because he is giving nothing and you give your all. WOW!!! That is first class manipulation. I am very impressed that he came up with this nonsense and that he has no issue with using the line on women.

    Seriously, you are so overestimating this guy. Unless what you are looking for is a user. He is really good at that.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    This really sucks to hear, but thank you for your response.

    Abusive, unstable and insecure men are a trend in my dating life, so are bullies. I overlooked a lot of mean things this guy said and did, I’m ashamed to even tell anybody about. I really thought I had something, but all I found was the same situation I swore I’d never enter again. I’m ashamed I allowed all of these things, I know better. I’m going to make a priority to find counseling that actually helps me.
    Please do.

    You are choosing the same abusive creeps, over and over. You re the common denominator. You need to get to the root of the problem through therapy.

    I also suggest you look at baggagereclaim.com Without realizing it, you are emotionally unavailable and purposely choose crap men. I had a pattern of also choosing the wrong people. The site helped me a great deal.

    Please do not date for a long while. You need to get to a better place. Healthy attracts healthy.

    You should be looking at people with the same values, not common interests and friends. Look for the things that are important: honesty. loyal, kind, respectful, integrity, loving etc... This is what makes a partner, not the same addiction to fitness- I am not saying fitness is not important-as I would require that my partner be fit and active- but I am saying you should focus on what is important, not superficial.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Badlover
    They were always on call, and I was usually all worked up when telling the stories. I would tell them he’d get angry and yell at me a lot, but not get into what he was saying. He’d always put hickeys on my neck to “mark his territory”, and I told them about that and they just said he sounded a little insecure. The worst things, no. I didn’t tell anyone.
    Why were you always going to these guys and so available? This is not good. Also, no one should EVER yell at you! The hickey thing is juvenile and gross.

  9. #28
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    I'd say it's early days and it's clearly not right so cut your losses and move on. Id also suggest changing your therapist and life coach too!!

    I'm sorry but you 2 are just not compatible. I think you both should stay single for a while as you both have issues within you need to work on.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Read some books on positive self-talk. You're sorely in need of improving the psychology that goes on in your head. There is power in words. Your moniker alone, Badlover, is a self-fulfilling prophecy that pegs you into an unhealthy hole. Saying that you are "crushed" after a lover breaks up with you also tattoos those negative thoughts into your soul.

    What does a mentally healthy woman with your standards do? While dating a guy, see if the guy really wants to get to know you, instead of having the immediate goal of bedding you. The right guy will be patient for 2 or 3 months while you two see if you're compatible. At that point, the right guy will want to become exclusive, because you're wonderful and he wants to see if you two can make it longterm.

    In the meantime, don't unload your fears on him. Just state your standards--that you won't be intimate with anyone you're not exclusive with.

    The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, and to only allow people to stay in your life if they treat you as the special person you are. Your positive self-talk should include: If I take this risk on someone who seems like a good risk and it doesn't end up working out, I'll be upset just as anyone would, but I will heal and move on.

    Take care.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How old is he?
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    He’d always put hickeys on my neck.

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