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Very sad and needing to vent


Badlover

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I know there isn’t much anybody can tell me, I’m just really hurt and needing to vent. I met a guy online, and had a connection to him like I’ve never experienced. After the first few weeks we got into a big argument about how I’m not into uncommitted sex, but that’s the only way he dates. Says he needs to ease into relationships, but likes to act like a couple until he reaches that point.

 

After that argument, I opened up and explained my fears. That nothing good has ever come from sex for me. I’ve never had a positive outcome, and I’d like to wait until someone is my boyfriend before sleeping with him. Afterwords, things between us went a little too far one night, and he ended up doing a sexual favor on me. I didn’t want things to go farther so I left his house. After this we had multiple arguments about sex and commitment. He would angrily blow up at me like, “Why do you think I’m going to f*** you and leave you? I’m not going to f*** you and leave you!” He’d ask, “Who hurt you? And, “You feel this way because your exes didn’t treat you the way they were supposed to”.

 

One day he got mad at me about something unrelated, and called me over to talk. During the argument he said he didn’t think our situation was right for him because I had too many rules. He said he loved the connection we had and it felt unnatural for me to keep trying to tame it. I told him I wasn’t into just hooking up, grabbed my keys and headed for the door. He stopped me talking about how much he cares for me and can’t I see the little things he does to let me know I’m special to him. He said he wanted to talk about our relationship status, and that he wanted to date me exclusively. He said we are 100% monogamously dating, but not bf and gf. He deleted all of his dating apps, and I did the same.

 

Immediately after he became super affectionate, and we ended up sleeping together. As I was on my way out the door, he introduced me to his roommate as his “friend”. This really hurt me. The very next day his grandmother died, and I held off mentioning it. The day after, I told him and for a solid 7 days he was absolutely miserable. We spoke everyday, but he sounded like he was crying half the time, and extremely angry others. He was dark and it was a little scary. When he started feeling better he called me and told me he took her death hard, and that he resented me the entire week for bringing up that “friend” incident the day after his grandma died.

 

He said he really liked me and wanted to keep dating me, but didn’t want to have sex with me again until we were something more. He said the first reason was because he knew I’d want to comfort him, and that he didn’t want to get lost in intimacy with me and not grieve properly. The second reason was that he was emotionally tapped out, and didn’t have the capacity to deal with me getting upset over sex related issues.

 

Later that day he invited me over to stay the night, and I was confused because he said no sex. The next day before I was to come over, I called and asked him if we were sticking to not sleeping together because we are in fact friends. He said not sleeping with me would be impossible for him, and then he blew up at me like never before. He completely lost his temper like never before and started screaming at me. He was yelling, “I feel like you’re trying to get me to break up with you, and I’m not going to do it. If you don’t want to be with me, you need to tell me!!” He went on saying, “I’m not going to f*** you and leave you! So what if we have sex? I’m a good guy! We’re dating exclusively, and we are not friends. I am not trying to hurt you! I’m not going to hurt you! You’re making me out to be this scumbag trying to take advantage of you!”

 

He went on and on and all I could say was, “Stop, please, just stop”. He finally calmed down and said that I’m really protective of myself, and maybe it’s because of bad experiences in my past. I told him about how my father has a sex addiction, and when I lived with him, there were nights when he’d loudly have sex with 3 different women in the house with me in a single day. He said he really just missed me and wanted to spend time together, and I came to his house. As soon as I got there he began taking off my clothes and we had sex multiple times that night and I slept over.

 

After that, he completely stopped being sexual with me. If I made a sexual comment, he’d shoot it down. He became very sweet, and almost goofy and childish. He would video chat me every day as normal and blow me kisses, and we would still go on dates but I noticed all sexual interest had died. He was affectionate and gentle, he’d tickle and play with me. Hold me and try to make me smile. He’d ask me a lot about my life, career and parents, and seemed to let his guard completely down. I noticed him getting moody, and he went with his best friend’s family on an impromptu vacation. He said he felt like he needed it because he had been in a weird funk.

 

When he got back last weekend, he was at a high. Super happy, but didn’t ask me to hang out so I made plans with my friends instead. He watched and commented on all my Snapchat stories and Insta pictures, and called me as usual. I noticed he was being really sweet and playful with me. Trying to make me laugh and smile more than ever before. I got the vibe he felt like I was fragile and wanted to take care of me like a little kid or something. All of our conversations were nonsexual, and it started to feel almost like he was taking care of me.

 

Finally the other day he called me and told me that he knows he’s been weird lately and thanked me for not pressuring him. He said he has not been the same since his grandma died, and thought the vacation would help him out but it didn’t. Last month, before she died he was very into dating and going out. Ever since, he has not had the desire and has been forcing himself. He asked me if we could remain exclusive but not date each other while he grieved. He said he knew it was selfish because he had no idea how long he would need, and I didn’t have to respond right away, I could take time and think about it. I told him, “No” because that honestly sounded unreasonable.

 

Then he said he didn’t want me to block or delete him on social media or cut him out of my life. He said he still wanted to talk to me cause he likes talking to me. He said he’s not getting back on the dating apps because he isn’t interested in dating me or anyone else at this time, but if I did he understood. He said he still feels a connection with me and asked if I still felt one with him. Said that when he’s feeling better in a few months, can we get coffee and see how we feel about each other? I said, “Yes” and asked him if he wanted to be friends. He said no because he has very strong sexual feelings for me and can’t be my friend. I agreed not to block him but was very confused by his request. I ended the conversation and tried to process everything.

 

Later that night, I decided that I needed to block and delete him to help myself heal. I sent him a very nice text saying “I’m sorry to do this, but I must block you on everything including your number. No hard feelings. God bless you and your family.”

 

I’m very hurt, and I hope I made the right decision by blocking him. I feel like I’ve done everything wrong and I’m so upset right now. My life coaches/therapists held my hand through this entire relationship, and they encouraged me to keep seeing him, even when I wasn’t sure I should. I told them everything and they said to stick it out and that he was of high value and good for me. I’m feeling like I’ll never have a boyfriend again. I haven’t had a boyfriend since 2014/15. Guys either leave me because I won’t have sex, or because I do have sex. Sex or no sex ends all of my relationships and now I don’t know how to proceed. People have

sex all the time while dating and are able to build meaningful connections. Some people have sex on the first date, others the third, others not until

marriage. Why is sex my blocker?

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I don't know why anyone would tell you to keep staying in a relationship that was making you uncomfortable. That's terrible advice. Sorry. It also inadvertently made another person miserable - this guy. Both of you just don't have enough boundaries and keep giving in to sex when you've had previous conversations not to (that means you both have participated in dishonouring your agreements and boundaries). Both of you are unhealthy for each other. It's not all on you.

 

Keep working with yourself and work through your fears regarding sex and being intimate. Some of your anxieties are very left field and severe. You started off fine having some idea of what was good for you but then you kept giving into sex and the more you did the more you felt lower and lower about yourself (your self-esteem dropped lower). For a lot of people this (referring to sex/intimacy) might not have been such a big deal but it means a lot for you to to be intimate with someone and this person you were dating didn't share your views about labels and what a secure relationship means. There's every type of person under the rainbow on this earth and everyone has different ideas about labels and what security means in a relationship or what a person needs in order to feel happy and able to flourish in a relationship. For you, you might have been looking for a bf/gf label. Being called a friend when he's seeing you isn't cool for you. You're entitled to that. Don't stoop lower than what you need in a relationship. This person was obviously attracted to you also and wanted a physical relationship but without those healthy boundaries and respect, he really didn't know how to handle you or himself either. It's just a bad mix.

 

I think you did the right thing ending this relationship and focusing on yourself. Like I said, keep working on you and understanding what your triggers are, what doesn't feel good for you and what your minimums are in order to feel good and secure in a healthy relationship. Listen to your gut instincts about what feels right and what doesn't feel right and for goodness sakes, do not allow someone else to make you feel even worse about yourself for ending a relationship that's not good for you.

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Sorry for the hurt and confusion.

 

Is this the same guy you met in early June, with the breakup aphorisms on his wall? The one reeling about his past before he was reeling about his grandmother? So what you're describing here is a two month relationship? Just trying to get a feel for it, to be able to advise with precision.

 

I don't think the issue here, really, is about sex so much as ideas about sex, about men, and so on, that are making it hard to just be you and date at pace that works for you. What do I mean by that? Well, this whole thing sounds like it got super complicated super quickly, like from date one, almost like each of you was using the other to work through issues than to to connect. That can often feel like "a connection unlike any other" because it's "intense" and "open," but swirling underneath all that is a lot of nerves and unprocessed past stuff being processed, together, in the name of vulnerability. Doesn't often work.

 

You both, being frank, sound wound pretty tight in different ways—with pretty severe views on all this and yet pretty porous boundaries when it comes to actually doing it. Tough combo, that, for everyone involved. If you want to wait for a label before you're sexually intimate—all good, find that guy. If he wants someone who wants to move slowly, while also being intimate, on the road to the label—all good, he should find that person. You guys, very quickly, started bending and got all sorts of knotted up.

 

Not your fault, not his, at least how it looks from over here. Just a failed chemistry experiment.

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Hold up....after two weeks of dating he said that??? and your life coach and therapist said to keep at it? They were both wrong.

 

BTW guys are leaving you for other reasons. Most reasons is because they are just d-bags and do it to other women too, it's not really about you. You know all that crap about ghosting, etc? It happened to everyone! This guy you are talking about, is purposely messing you up to break you down so you will do anything for him no matter. He definitely was playing on your emotions, and this so called connection you felt you had. He played you. It was all manipulation to guilt you, to confuse you...this is how he was breaking you down. It's about control...it's abusive behavior. it's sickening because it has you very hurt and confused, your self esteem is in question.

 

Hats off to YOU for blocking this nincompoop. He's trash. My advice is to get rid of this life coach (they are a moron IMO) and therapists...for them to say to stick with this relationship is so unprofessional that they couldn't see how damaging that is to one's self esteem and self worth...shame on them!! IMO I think you have learned enough from this experience that you can go forth, and know who gets the boot without even trying. You don't need to put up with any man's crap. IMO a man has to PROVE his worth, through how he treats you, and RESPECTS you. Remember actions speak louder than words. If it doesn't feel right, it's not...get rid of them.

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He told me that after years of depression following the end of a 5 year relationship, his views about sex had changed. He said he previously felt that sex was sacred and should only be shared between two people who love each other. He went to therapy and the therapists got him into the habit of going with the flow of life. Doing whatever feels good sexually and forgetting about outcomes. I told him that sex scared me because I wasn’t sure I could handle the emotional repercussions, and he agreed he had run into a situation where he really hurt someone who started to believe their relationship was more than what it was after sex. I told him I was prone to those feelings, and I felt like I’d become more attached than appropriate, so he agreed not to sleep with me on multiple occasions.

 

I wonder if I’d have gone ahead and slept with him with reckless abandon, no rules or standards, if things would have worked out. Sex was the only real issue in our relationship, but after the day I stayed over, I felt more comfortable and we stopped arguing about it. I finally felt like I was in a good place with him sexually, and was okay and trusted him. I just don’t understand why things changed for him after that night. I let go of all my inhibitions, we had sex multiple times, there were no issues.

 

I just don’t understand what I keep doing wrong. He’s the first man I’ve dated who was equal to me. All others were people I was not attracted to, or were just clearly inappropriate matches for me. He was everything I was looking for. I was proud to be out with him, had fun when we were together, and he made me feel safe aside from the sex stuff. I feel like my brokenness ruined my chance with a great man. I’ve never had a man so equally yoked be seriously interested in me. I think that’s why my life coaches wanted me to stick it out with him.

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I am not experienced attending therapy but I'm starting to feel like the relationship was a little too crowded.

 

It's over. And I mean the relationship is over. Both of you did not work out and for a number of reasons. Don't stay stuck or hung up over one person or place too much importance over a person who didn't make you happy. It doesn't sound like sex was the only issue. You didn't like the way he called you a friend, you became more anxious when he rejected the idea of bf/gf, he flip flopped and went from being an adult "forgetting about outcomes" to a childlike moody state and swung from highly sexualized to nonsexualized in his responses to you and then asked to remain exclusive with you while not dating you (whatever that means). This is apparently in order to grieve his grandmother but I'm calling his bluff on this one. This person is NOT in any place to date anyone.

 

This is not just about sex. He's not ready to date and you just keep being you and work on you.

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Sorry for the hurt and confusion.

 

Is this the same guy you met in early June, with the breakup aphorisms on his wall? The one reeling about his past before he was reeling about his grandmother? So what you're describing here is a two month relationship? Just trying to get a feel for it, to be able to advise with precision.

 

I don't think the issue here, really, is about sex so much as ideas about sex, about men, and so on, that are making it hard to just be you and date at pace that works for you. What do I mean by that? Well, this whole thing sounds like it got super complicated super quickly, like from date one, almost like each of you was using the other to work through issues than to to connect. That can often feel like "a connection unlike any other" because it's "intense" and "open," but swirling underneath all that is a lot of nerves and unprocessed past stuff being processed, together, in the name of vulnerability. Doesn't often work.

 

You both, being frank, sound wound pretty tight in different ways—with pretty severe views on all this and yet pretty porous boundaries when it comes to actually doing it. Tough combo, that, for everyone involved. If you want to wait for a label before you're sexually intimate—all good, find that guy. If he wants someone who wants to move slowly, while also being intimate, on the road to the label—all good, he should find that person. You guys, very quickly, started bending and got all sorts of knotted up.

 

Not your fault, not his, at least how it looks from over here. Just a failed chemistry experiment.

 

Yes, this is the same guy from early June. I feel like we would have been amazing for each other if I’d have just slept with him casually. I keep wondering if I went back and had a do-over and just did everything he wanted, what would have happened. I was fine in the beginning, he was the one who was pressed to make our relationship more serious. He was the one who started the exclusive talk and drove us to define our relationship. He was so moody and up and down and upset because he hadn’t considered dating anyone seriously, he was such an emotional mess. He would at times try and force himself to be neutral and show little emotion with me, then apologize and explain himself. It isn’t normal for someone to not be able to find a relationship for 5 years. I’m above average in attractiveness, and I’ve got a great career and life. I feel like my fear of uncommitted sex is causing me to miss out. He even told me that the dating game has changed with our generation. Dating is now much different than being committed and almost always involves sex. I personally get really attached and vulnerable after sex, and when people leave me after sleeping with me (which every man has writhing weeks), it crushes me. The entire time I was trying to avoid feeling the way I do now. I have no appetite, nightmares, and no interest in my daily workouts or plans with friends. Having sex and then having the person leave me puts me at such a low. It had been years since I had sex and this was all for nothing.

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It just sounds like a classic case of two people who aren't quite ready to date bonding over the fact that they're not quite ready to date. I mean, you guys have only known each other two months? And in that time—and, by the sounds of it, right off the gates—you're spending an enormous amount of time talking about how damaged you both are. Sex this, therapy that. Pain, pain, pain, pain. Your pain dancing with his pain. I get how that feels intimate and vulnerable quick, but there are shortcomings to intimacy and vulnerability when your connection point is sharing all your issues around intimacy and vulnerability.

 

No, this would not have worked if you'd just slept with him with abandon early. Because that's not who you are, what you want. Doesn't mean you need to make a whole show about that to someone with a different mindset, and doesn't mean you need to bend to accommodate. Just like he doesn't need to make a whole show about his past relationship, what he learned from therapy. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but what you're calling a relationship sounds more like two people testing out relationship theorems on each other to see if you guys could be in an actual relationship and calling that frantic back and forth a relationship since you both really, really, really want to be people in relationships.

 

Problem is, neither of you are surefooted enough to really know who you are and what you want out of romance. You've each got a zillion bees buzzing in your ears: therapists, life coaches, every person who has ever hurt you before meeting this person. That is a crowded room. Hard to connect in a crowded room—hard to see and be seen.

 

This thread, combined with your last threads, paints a convincing portrait of him as a total mess who is not ready to date. The kind of guy you walk away from after three hangs, especially if you don't want to get naked under ambiguous circumstances. You doubled, tripled, quadrupled down instead of looking for someone more on your level—which, I think, speaks to where you're maybe a little all over the place when it comes to dating.

 

Before meeting him you wanted to go on 100 dates. He fits where in that number? Three, four? Point being, there are others out there where it doesn't need to feel like war—with the world, with yourself, with your past, with the past of another. I'd try to take this moment to just remember that, and to maybe work on your own standing in your own skin a bit so when you meet people who want you to be someone you're not it doesn't throw you around quite so much. If you didn't self-identity as so broken odds are you wouldn't be quite as attracted to someone who basically wore his brokenness the way other men wear suits.

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I am not experienced attending therapy but I'm starting to feel like the relationship was a little too crowded.

 

It's over. And I mean the relationship is over. Both of you did not work out and for a number of reasons. Don't stay stuck or hung up over one person or place too much importance over a person who didn't make you happy. It doesn't sound like sex was the only issue. You didn't like the way he called you a friend, you became more anxious when he rejected the idea of bf/gf, he flip flopped and went from being an adult "forgetting about outcomes" to a childlike moody state and swung from highly sexualized to nonsexualized in his responses to you and then asked to remain exclusive with you while not dating you (whatever that means). This is apparently in order to grieve his grandmother but I'm calling his bluff on this one. This person is NOT in any place to date anyone.

 

This is not just about sex. He's not ready to date and you just keep being you and work on you.

 

Thank you for making me feel better about blocking him. I’ve been comforted by it, but also regretting it. I wonder if, after a few months he really will be in a better place and things can work out. I also feel that nothing healthy could come from dating him again, and he’d just have sex with me and decide I’m not what he’s looking for again. I was confused as to why he insisted we keep in contact and still talk, but not be together. Why he wanted to follow me on social media (although I live a fun filled life of crazy parties and traveling he’d live vicariously through). I just didn’t understand what he wanted from me. Liking talking to me but not wanting to be with me but not wanting to see me out of fear we’d have sex. He said I made him question and reevaluate his views on sex and what works for him like nobody ever has, and maybe that’s why he was so inconsistent. I was so drawn to him, I wanted him more than anybody and loved being in his arms. I want to find someone who can help me better with my sex and failed relationship issues but it’s been impossible. I’ve been to multiple therapists, if had life coaches abandon me because they couldn’t help me, and I don’t even know where to look. I need help that’s going to give me results and I honestly can’t find it.

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It just sounds like a classic case of two people who aren't quite ready to date bonding over the fact that they're not quite ready to date. I mean, you guys have only known each other two months? And in that time—and, by the sounds of it, right off the gates—you're spending an enormous amount of time talking about how damaged you both are. Sex this, therapy that. Pain, pain, pain, pain. Your pain dancing with his pain. I get how that feels intimate and vulnerable quick, but there are shortcomings to intimacy and vulnerability when your connection point is sharing all your issues around intimacy and vulnerability.

 

Problem is, neither of you are surefooted enough to really know who you are and what you want out of romance. You've each got a zillion bees buzzing in your ears: therapists, life coaches, every person who has ever hurt you before meeting this person. That is a crowded room. Hard to connect in a crowded room—hard to see and be seen.

 

This thread, combined with your last threads, paints a convincing portrait of him as a total mess who is not ready to date. The kind of guy you walk away from after three hangs, especially if you don't want to get naked under ambiguous circumstances. You doubled, tripled, quadrupled down instead of looking for someone more on your level—which, I think, speaks to where you're maybe a little all over the place when it comes to dating.

 

Before meeting him you wanted to go on 100 dates. He fits where in that number? Three, four? Point being, there are others out there where it doesn't need to feel like war—with the world, with yourself, with your past, with the past of another. I'd try to take this moment to just remember that, and to maybe work on your own standing in your own skin a bit so when you meet people who want you to be someone you're not it doesn't throw you around quite so much. If you didn't self-identity as so broken odds are you wouldn't be quite as attracted to someone who basically wore his brokenness the way other men wear suits.

 

This kind of hurts my feelings, but I can’t argue with anything you’ve said. I didn’t think I self-identified as broken, but if I’m not, I should be able to see this guy as broken, and I somehow don’t. This guy is terribly handsome and strong, presents himself well, yet has a list of failed short term relationships that is just as long as mine. I wonder what a woman in a healthier place than I would assess him as. Probably what you said, a guy who wouldn’t make it past date 3. It makes me sad that I’m struggling to see that. He’s probably a mirror image of me. I was 27 dates in when I met him. I’m going to resume in a few weeks when I’m feeling better. I really hope he doesn’t find a way to contact me while I’m feeling this low.

 

Thanks for your honesty.

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I'm glad you blocked him. I don't think sex is your only blocker. Naturally, you don't want to have sex if you don't like other parts to a man's character. He disrespects you in so many ways so naturally you're not going to want to have sex with him.

 

My friends thought he was disrespectful. They said they didn’t like the way he’d talk to me, he sounded mean. I didn’t feel that way because he’s always so moody. I had him on FaceTime while on a vacation and he was talking about me with other men and doing that indifferent thing. I didn’t like when he’d yell at me, but felt maybe it was a healthy part of arguing. I think you’re right.

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Yes, this is the same guy from early June. I feel like we would have been amazing for each other if I’d have just slept with him casually. I keep wondering if I went back and had a do-over and just did everything he wanted, what would have happened. I was fine in the beginning, he was the one who was pressed to make our relationship more serious. He was the one who started the exclusive talk and drove us to define our relationship. He was so moody and up and down and upset because he hadn’t considered dating anyone seriously, he was such an emotional mess. He would at times try and force himself to be neutral and show little emotion with me, then apologize and explain himself. It isn’t normal for someone to not be able to find a relationship for 5 years. I’m above average in attractiveness, and I’ve got a great career and life. I feel like my fear of uncommitted sex is causing me to miss out. He even told me that the dating game has changed with our generation. Dating is now much different than being committed and almost always involves sex. I personally get really attached and vulnerable after sex, and when people leave me after sleeping with me (which every man has writhing weeks), it crushes me. The entire time I was trying to avoid feeling the way I do now. I have no appetite, nightmares, and no interest in my daily workouts or plans with friends. Having sex and then having the person leave me puts me at such a low. It had been years since I had sex and this was all for nothing.

 

Serious question to ask yourself.

 

If sex makes you vulnerable ( for many women and some men it does) if you’ve had multiple instances of regret and pain why did you do it?

 

Why was his anger not a red flag for you? You were arguing after know each other mere days, that didn’t seem like a bad match to you?

 

What about him made you think it was ‘a connection like no other’ again honest question.

 

I can’t say I’m seeing any connection, what i see is a woman desperate to be loved that she latched into the first broken man who would have her, I see a woman who compromised her boundaries so someone would love her. I see a woman who really shouldn’t be listening to people telling her going against her own emotional well-being is a good idea.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you decide to take a breather after this and focus on your self esteem and strengthening your boundaries. Again he did nothing to prove himself, he just bullied you and said some pretty words, and you handed him your heart and body.

 

If it wasn’t his grandma it would have been something else, he sounds like a train wreck... unfortunately until you get yourself together train wrecks are your dating pool... that’s why this keeps happening broken seeks broken, broken is targeted as an easy lay. Your neediness and desperation is like a flashing sign that says ‘easily swayed’.

 

You deserve better, you deserve dating out of want and not need, you deserve a new therapist and life coach to help you through all this cause the ones you’ve got aren’t paying attention to what you’re actually going through and what you’re actually doing to yourself.

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My friends thought he was disrespectful. They said they didn’t like the way he’d talk to me, he sounded mean. I didn’t feel that way because he’s always so moody. I had him on FaceTime while on a vacation and he was talking about me with other men and doing that indifferent thing. I didn’t like when he’d yell at me, but felt maybe it was a healthy part of arguing. I think you’re right.

 

Good riddance!

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This kind of hurts my feelings, but I can’t argue with anything you’ve said. I didn’t think I self-identified as broken, but if I’m not, I should be able to see this guy as broken, and I somehow don’t. This guy is terribly handsome and strong, presents himself well, yet has a list of failed short term relationships that is just as long as mine. I wonder what a woman in a healthier place than I would assess him as. Probably what you said, a guy who wouldn’t make it past date 3. It makes me sad that I’m struggling to see that. He’s probably a mirror image of me. I was 27 dates in when I met him. I’m going to resume in a few weeks when I’m feeling better. I really hope he doesn’t find a way to contact me while I’m feeling this low.

 

Thanks for your honesty.

 

Sorry if I hit a sore spot. It's not my intention.

 

What I mean by the self-identification of broken is really me just quoting you back to you: I feel like my brokenness ruined my chance with a great man. And so on. There's a lot of that sentiment coming through here. What I can't help but feel is that there is something in you that is unresolved—or some parts of you that you still struggle to accept—and so you believe that being in a relationship will "fix" them and that a relationship not working out is proof they're not fixed enough.

 

That kind of mindset is pretty prohibitive to the whole thing. If you're looking for dating to fill a void, or be the reward for self-work, or be the thing that completes your selfhood, you're likely to attach to people pretty quickly, since they represent something pretty major in your head even before meeting them.

 

I think that happened here. Aside from this guy being handsome—a nice quality, but hardly a rare one—I'm really struggling to what he offered you that made you swoon. You were fighting like people who have been in a toxic relationship for a good stretch after just a few meetings. Sexually, he made you feel uncomfortable. His bedroom was a shrine to his past breakup. Subtract handsome and in front of you, and I'm really struggling to see what he offered that was pleasurable.

 

In a prior post I made the comment that dating is not CrossFit. You don't get stronger simply through reps, through showing up, through having a goal and shooting it down. You kind of build some emotional muscles first, so you can handle the workout, if that makes sense. Part of those emotional muscles is not thinking of yourself as damaged, but as unique, singular, you, so you can meet someone who compliments all that. Those who don't—who you find yourself arguing with and clashing with early—aren't the universe judging you but simply the universe introducing you to someone who isn't right for you.

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You should have bailed the first time he demanded sex. BIG RED FLAG! If you do not do casual sex, then why would you continue? "Ease into a relationship" Good grief!

 

Then he is blows up at you at you for sex, time after time, and you still see him. This indicates no feelings or respect.

 

With all of his disrespectful actions and fights, he then tells you he care about you. UGH. You then sleep with him, because he said he would be monogamous, but NOT bf and gf. Why?!

 

I do not want to continue, as this was a tough read. You have a very bad picker when it comes to men. You are completely lacking any boundaries, when they are treating you like absolute crap. You should have ditched him after the first time. I know I am being harsh, but you really need to stop dating and reassess the creeps that YOU are choosing to date, and also why you allow this guys to treat you like sh*t. Please take a long break from dating, and a new therapist to deal with the lack of self worth and boundaries. Get rid of the life coach, too. Bad advice!

 

This guy was abusive and unstable. Please do not allow people to treat you like this!

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Serious question to ask yourself.

 

If sex makes you vulnerable ( for many women and some men it does) if you’ve had multiple instances of regret and pain why did you do it?

 

Why was his anger not a red flag for you? You were arguing after know each other mere days, that didn’t seem like a bad match to you?

 

What about him made you think it was ‘a connection like no other’ again honest question.

 

I can’t say I’m seeing any connection, what i see is a woman desperate to be loved that she latched into the first broken man who would have her, I see a woman who compromised her boundaries so someone would love her. I see a woman who really shouldn’t be listening to people telling her going against her own emotional well-being is a good idea.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you decide to take a breather after this and focus on your self esteem and strengthening your boundaries. Again he did nothing to prove himself, he just bullied you and said some pretty words, and you handed him your heart and body.

 

If it wasn’t his grandma it would have been something else, he sounds like a train wreck... unfortunately until you get yourself together train wrecks are your dating pool... that’s why this keeps happening broken seeks broken, broken is targeted as an easy lay. Your neediness and desperation is like a flashing sign that says ‘easily swayed’.

 

You deserve better, you deserve dating out of want and not need, you deserve a new therapist and life coach to help you through all this cause the ones you’ve got aren’t paying attention to what you’re actually going through and what you’re actually doing to yourself.

 

Thank you for your response. I don’t know why I did that stuff and felt that way. At least now I know where I stand and what I need to do.

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You should have bailed the first time he demanded sex. BIG RED FLAG! If you do not do casual sex, then why would you continue? "Ease into a relationship" Good grief!

 

Then he is blows up at you at you for sex, time after time, and you still see him. This indicates no feelings or respect.

 

With all of his disrespectful actions and fights, he then tells you he care about you. UGH. You then sleep with him, because he said he would be monogamous, but NOT bf and gf. Why?!

 

I do not want to continue, as this was a tough read. You have a very bad picker when it comes to men. You are completely lacking any boundaries, when they are treating you like absolute crap. You should have ditched him after the first time. I know I am being harsh, but you really need to stop dating and reassess the creeps that YOU are choosing to date, and also why you allow this guys to treat you like sh*t. Please take a long break from dating, and a new therapist to deal with the lack of self worth and boundaries. Get rid of the life coach, too. Bad advice!

 

This guy was abusive and unstable. Please do not allow people to treat you like this!

 

This really sucks to hear, but thank you for your response.

 

Abusive, unstable and insecure men are a trend in my dating life, so are bullies. I overlooked a lot of mean things this guy said and did, I’m ashamed to even tell anybody about. I really thought I had something, but all I found was the same situation I swore I’d never enter again. I’m ashamed I allowed all of these things, I know better. I’m going to make a priority to find counseling that actually helps me.

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I have to ask: Have you been honest with your counselors and coaches? Have you told them about the "mean things" this guy said and did, or did you paint a different version because you were ashamed?

 

I ask that with zero judgment, do know, as I don't judge you for any of this. No shame in whatever steps we need to take to find the right path—in our selves and toward the right people. Been down some strange roads myself. Had to own that, fully, to find some new roads.

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Sorry if I hit a sore spot. It's not my intention.

 

What I mean by the self-identification of broken is really me just quoting you back to you: I feel like my brokenness ruined my chance with a great man. And so on. There's a lot of that sentiment coming through here. What I can't help but feel is that there is something in you that is unresolved—or some parts of you that you still struggle to accept—and so you believe that being in a relationship will "fix" them and that a relationship not working out is proof they're not fixed enough.

 

That kind of mindset is pretty prohibitive to the whole thing. If you're looking for dating to fill a void, or be the reward for self-work, or be the thing that completes your selfhood, you're likely to attach to people pretty quickly, since they represent something pretty major in your head even before meeting them.

 

I think that happened here. Aside from this guy being handsome—a nice quality, but hardly a rare one—I'm really struggling to what he offered you that made you swoon. You were fighting like people who have been in a toxic relationship for a good stretch after just a few meetings. Sexually, he made you feel uncomfortable. His bedroom was a shrine to his past breakup. Subtract handsome and in front of you, and I'm really struggling to see what he offered that was pleasurable.

 

In a prior post I made the comment that dating is not CrossFit. You don't get stronger simply through reps, through showing up, through having a goal and shooting it down. You kind of build some emotional muscles first, so you can handle the workout, if that makes sense. Part of those emotional muscles is not thinking of yourself as damaged, but as unique, singular, you, so you can meet someone who compliments all that. Those who don't—who you find yourself arguing with and clashing with early—aren't the universe judging you but simply the universe introducing you to someone who isn't right for you.

 

I don’t know what he offered me. I’m so used to dating men who are wildly inappropriate for me that I saw him as the type of person I should be dating. The men I date are usually still living at home, overweight, unattractive, or have values that will obviously never mesh with my own. This guy was my age, from my hometown, we have a ton of friends in common, similar interests, he was obsessed with fitness as I am, the same level of education and matched me in attractiveness. He seemed like the type of man I should have been dating but didn’t think I was good enough for.

 

He admitted being jealous of me because I make a six figure income working from home with a light workload at 30 years old. He said I don’t have a real job, I got really lucky, I live in fantasy land, he’s gonna feel sorry for me when this gig is over and I have to work like a normal person, I live the lifestyle of an extremely wealthy person, he can’t believe I sleep until 10pm every morning and he’s jealous that he can’t do all of those things. He’d act like I didn’t deserve it and say that he was working 90 hours a week making half of what I make and I’m getting paid to do nothing. I never told him my salary, he somehow figured it out and he hated my lifestyle even though he knows I came from rats and roaches and a drug addict single mother who died when I was 14. When I was looking at a new Alfa Romeo, he would smack his teeth and say, “Living in the [Company Name] bubble”. He came to my apartment which is a very high end luxury building and had nothing nice to say. That my couch didn’t look comfortable and my bedroom looked like a sterile dungeon. The first time he sat in my brand new car he commented, “It doesn’t have a sunroof though”.

 

I didn’t care how much money he made and didn’t criticize his modest apartment. He had a seasonal job as a high school business teacher, and would work a part time political hourly job over the summer. He wasn’t established in any career and wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, but that was okay to me and I didn’t care. He has a business venture in the making (that he refused to tell me about) with a mutual friend, and I considered him upwardly mobile. Every movie or TV show I suggested, he said he hated. He hated that I did CrossFit, and the music I’d listen to. All of these things are parallel to my last real relationship in 2015 where the guy beat me so badly one day I didn’t even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror.

 

I never really sat down and thought about this stuff before, but it me falling into old habits. I don’t think I’m going to finish the 100 date challenge.

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I have to ask: Have you been honest with your counselors and coaches? Have you told them about the "mean things" this guy said and did, or did you paint a different version because you were ashamed?

 

I ask that with zero judgment, do know, as I don't judge you for any of this. No shame in whatever steps we need to take to find the right path—in our selves and toward the right people. Been down some strange roads myself. Had to own that, fully, to find some new roads.

 

They were always on call, and I was usually all worked up when telling the stories. I would tell them he’d get angry and yell at me a lot, but not get into what he was saying. He’d always put hickeys on my neck to “mark his territory”, and I told them about that and they just said he sounded a little insecure. The worst things, no. I didn’t tell anyone.

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Whatever those things are—with him, with anyone—I'm sorry about that.

 

It sounds like, deep in your core, you had a sense that something was off. That right there is the gold, nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully this is all one step closer to helping you see that—to not squelch out that core but strengthen it, affirm it. Therapy can be great for that—has been for me, for whatever that's worth—but we've got to give them all the facts in order to face them, understand them, and demystify them for ourselves.

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I missed your longer response to my earlier post. Whoa. Dude ain't nowhere near your level. And, yeah, it sounds like there is a more pressing challenge before you than the 100 dates thing, one focused on understanding why someone can criticize and minimize you like that and instead of seeing it as their sh*t (and sh*t to say away from) you process it as yours (something you can clean up by taking on their mess).

 

Unlock that door and it's much smoother sailing out there, be it 10 dates or 10,000.

 

Because you sound pretty awesome, you know? Killer job on your own terms, and a cool car? Zoom zoom, all that. And fit to boot? Triple zoom. That some of that drive has maybe been your harnessing childhood wounds into productive fuel—well, that's just more zoom that everyone should respect and the right person will swoon for, compelled and comforted where a dude like this was intimidated, emasculated.

 

But until you see it all like that you'll be vulnerable to people who find your fragile spots, exploit them, and turn them on you. That's kind of what I love about therapy: it gets us intimate with our fragile corners so people can't poke at them in a way that makes us dizzy. They'll always poke at them, sure, but those who do are just the wrong people for us.

 

We've got some similarities, you and I, in our lives. Won't bother with the play by play. But from the childhood stuff to the early success stuff to the fit stuff—suffice to say I can relate. Because some of my fuel came from darkness—that deep darkness that'll be part of me forever, a little gift from one of my parents—there's always been a little part of me (my fragile corner) that feels like a fraud, damaged goods undeserving of things I've broken my brain to make reality, like the exquisite view out my fine home and the motorcycles I own and ride whenever I want because I've never had a boss.

 

Once upon a time I felt "bad" about all that, and that probably led me, here and there, to get tangled up in people who felt "bad" being around me and cut me down to feel a little better. No longer, though that little glitch will probably be there forever, ready for exploitation in the wrong hands. Got involved with someone last year who found it, pressed it, spun me around good. But I've gotten pretty cozy with that part of me—it's no longer mysterious—and built another one that kind of says: if you want to spin me, poke at me, make me feel bad for being me—go for it. Next thing you'll see is me walking in the opposite direction and not looking back.

 

I hope you find that version of your own reflex, that you can build that up along with whatever CrossFit offers you physically and your professional hustle offers you financially. It's a kind of personal vulnerability, an acquaintance with your softer stuff so you can cherish it, protect it, and find people who will cherish it and protect it back. Being super fit and having some money are good things, but they're just props and masks if we don't have that other strength too.

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I missed your longer response to my earlier post. Whoa. Dude ain't nowhere near your level. And, yeah, it sounds like there is a more pressing challenge before you than the 100 dates thing, one focused on understanding why someone can criticize and minimize you like that and instead of seeing it as their sh*t (and sh*t to say away from) you process it as yours (something you can clean up by taking on their mess).

 

Unlock that door and it's much smoother sailing out there, be it 10 dates or 10,000.

 

Because you sound pretty awesome, you know? Killer job on your own terms, and a cool car? Zoom zoom, all that. And fit to boot? Triple zoom. That some of that drive has maybe been your harnessing childhood wounds into productive fuel—well, that's just more zoom that everyone should respect and the right person will swoon for, compelled and comforted where a dude like this was intimidated, emasculated.

 

But until you see it all like that you'll be vulnerable to people who find your fragile spots, exploit them, and turn them on you. That's kind of what I love about therapy: it gets us intimate with our fragile corners so people can't poke at them in a way that makes us dizzy. They'll always poke at them, sure, but those who do are just the wrong people for us.

 

We've got some similarities, you and I, in our lives. Won't bother with the play by play. But from the childhood stuff to the early success stuff to the fit stuff—suffice to say I can relate. Because some of my fuel came from darkness—that deep darkness that'll be part of me forever, a little gift from one of my parents—there's always been a little part of me (my fragile corner) that feels like a fraud, damaged goods undeserving of things I've broken my brain to make reality, like the exquisite view out my fine home and the motorcycles I own and ride whenever I want because I've never had a boss.

 

Once upon a time I felt "bad" about all that, and that probably led me, here and there, to get tangled up in people who felt "bad" being around me and cut me down to feel a little better. No longer, though that little glitch will probably be there forever, ready for exploitation in the wrong hands. Got involved with someone last year who found it, pressed it, spun me around good. But I've gotten pretty cozy with that part of me—it's no longer mysterious—and built another one that kind of says: if you want to spin me, poke at me, make me feel bad for being me—go for it. Next thing you'll see is me walking in the opposite direction and not looking back.

 

I hope you find that version of your own reflex, that you can build that up along with whatever CrossFit offers you physically and your professional hustle offers you financially. It's a kind of personal vulnerability, an acquaintance with your softer stuff so you can cherish it, protect it, and find people who will cherish it and protect it back. Being super fit and having some money are good things, but they're just props and masks if we don't have that other strength too.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve never put my vulnerabilities into the context of “fragile spots”, but it resonates. You are such an kind, humble and generous person, and your advice has really given me clarity. I know what I need to do, and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything anymore. I understand I was paired with someone who looked suitable, but was not suitable for me and I did the right thing by cutting the contact. My priority is to get better so this doesn’t happen again, and I can finally find the healthy and uplifting relationship I can’t even visualize at this point in my life.

 

I’m happy to hear of your successes, and I hope they last a lifetime.

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I know I am getting to this discussion a little late but "Says he needs to ease into relationships, but likes to act like a couple until he reaches that point," is SUCH a load of utter codswallop! So basically, you give him everything he would get in a committed relationship, he give you no commitment. Then he gets all the power by deciding if he wants a relationship because he is giving nothing and you give your all. WOW!!! That is first class manipulation. I am very impressed that he came up with this nonsense and that he has no issue with using the line on women.

 

Seriously, you are so overestimating this guy. Unless what you are looking for is a user. He is really good at that.

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