Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 49

Thread: Very sad and needing to vent

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,061
    I'm glad you blocked him. I don't think sex is your only blocker. Naturally, you don't want to have sex if you don't like other parts to a man's character. He disrespects you in so many ways so naturally you're not going to want to have sex with him.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    41
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I'm glad you blocked him. I don't think sex is your only blocker. Naturally, you don't want to have sex if you don't like other parts to a man's character. He disrespects you in so many ways so naturally you're not going to want to have sex with him.
    My friends thought he was disrespectful. They said they didnít like the way heíd talk to me, he sounded mean. I didnít feel that way because heís always so moody. I had him on FaceTime while on a vacation and he was talking about me with other men and doing that indifferent thing. I didnít like when heíd yell at me, but felt maybe it was a healthy part of arguing. I think youíre right.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,399
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    Yes, this is the same guy from early June. I feel like we would have been amazing for each other if Iíd have just slept with him casually. I keep wondering if I went back and had a do-over and just did everything he wanted, what would have happened. I was fine in the beginning, he was the one who was pressed to make our relationship more serious. He was the one who started the exclusive talk and drove us to define our relationship. He was so moody and up and down and upset because he hadnít considered dating anyone seriously, he was such an emotional mess. He would at times try and force himself to be neutral and show little emotion with me, then apologize and explain himself. It isnít normal for someone to not be able to find a relationship for 5 years. Iím above average in attractiveness, and Iíve got a great career and life. I feel like my fear of uncommitted sex is causing me to miss out. He even told me that the dating game has changed with our generation. Dating is now much different than being committed and almost always involves sex. I personally get really attached and vulnerable after sex, and when people leave me after sleeping with me (which every man has writhing weeks), it crushes me. The entire time I was trying to avoid feeling the way I do now. I have no appetite, nightmares, and no interest in my daily workouts or plans with friends. Having sex and then having the person leave me puts me at such a low. It had been years since I had sex and this was all for nothing.
    Serious question to ask yourself.

    If sex makes you vulnerable ( for many women and some men it does) if youíve had multiple instances of regret and pain why did you do it?

    Why was his anger not a red flag for you? You were arguing after know each other mere days, that didnít seem like a bad match to you?

    What about him made you think it was Ďa connection like no otherí again honest question.

    I canít say Iím seeing any connection, what i see is a woman desperate to be loved that she latched into the first broken man who would have her, I see a woman who compromised her boundaries so someone would love her. I see a woman who really shouldnít be listening to people telling her going against her own emotional well-being is a good idea.

    Iím sorry youíre going through this. I hope you decide to take a breather after this and focus on your self esteem and strengthening your boundaries. Again he did nothing to prove himself, he just bullied you and said some pretty words, and you handed him your heart and body.

    If it wasnít his grandma it would have been something else, he sounds like a train wreck... unfortunately until you get yourself together train wrecks are your dating pool... thatís why this keeps happening broken seeks broken, broken is targeted as an easy lay. Your neediness and desperation is like a flashing sign that says Ďeasily swayedí.

    You deserve better, you deserve dating out of want and not need, you deserve a new therapist and life coach to help you through all this cause the ones youíve got arenít paying attention to what youíre actually going through and what youíre actually doing to yourself.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,061
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    My friends thought he was disrespectful. They said they didnít like the way heíd talk to me, he sounded mean. I didnít feel that way because heís always so moody. I had him on FaceTime while on a vacation and he was talking about me with other men and doing that indifferent thing. I didnít like when heíd yell at me, but felt maybe it was a healthy part of arguing. I think youíre right.
    Good riddance!

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,845
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Badlover
    This kind of hurts my feelings, but I canít argue with anything youíve said. I didnít think I self-identified as broken, but if Iím not, I should be able to see this guy as broken, and I somehow donít. This guy is terribly handsome and strong, presents himself well, yet has a list of failed short term relationships that is just as long as mine. I wonder what a woman in a healthier place than I would assess him as. Probably what you said, a guy who wouldnít make it past date 3. It makes me sad that Iím struggling to see that. Heís probably a mirror image of me. I was 27 dates in when I met him. Iím going to resume in a few weeks when Iím feeling better. I really hope he doesnít find a way to contact me while Iím feeling this low.

    Thanks for your honesty.
    Sorry if I hit a sore spot. It's not my intention.

    What I mean by the self-identification of broken is really me just quoting you back to you: I feel like my brokenness ruined my chance with a great man. And so on. There's a lot of that sentiment coming through here. What I can't help but feel is that there is something in you that is unresolvedóor some parts of you that you still struggle to acceptóand so you believe that being in a relationship will "fix" them and that a relationship not working out is proof they're not fixed enough.

    That kind of mindset is pretty prohibitive to the whole thing. If you're looking for dating to fill a void, or be the reward for self-work, or be the thing that completes your selfhood, you're likely to attach to people pretty quickly, since they represent something pretty major in your head even before meeting them.

    I think that happened here. Aside from this guy being handsomeóa nice quality, but hardly a rare oneóI'm really struggling to what he offered you that made you swoon. You were fighting like people who have been in a toxic relationship for a good stretch after just a few meetings. Sexually, he made you feel uncomfortable. His bedroom was a shrine to his past breakup. Subtract handsome and in front of you, and I'm really struggling to see what he offered that was pleasurable.

    In a prior post I made the comment that dating is not CrossFit. You don't get stronger simply through reps, through showing up, through having a goal and shooting it down. You kind of build some emotional muscles first, so you can handle the workout, if that makes sense. Part of those emotional muscles is not thinking of yourself as damaged, but as unique, singular, you, so you can meet someone who compliments all that. Those who don'tówho you find yourself arguing with and clashing with earlyóaren't the universe judging you but simply the universe introducing you to someone who isn't right for you.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,105
    You should have bailed the first time he demanded sex. BIG RED FLAG! If you do not do casual sex, then why would you continue? "Ease into a relationship" Good grief!

    Then he is blows up at you at you for sex, time after time, and you still see him. This indicates no feelings or respect.

    With all of his disrespectful actions and fights, he then tells you he care about you. UGH. You then sleep with him, because he said he would be monogamous, but NOT bf and gf. Why?!

    I do not want to continue, as this was a tough read. You have a very bad picker when it comes to men. You are completely lacking any boundaries, when they are treating you like absolute crap. You should have ditched him after the first time. I know I am being harsh, but you really need to stop dating and reassess the creeps that YOU are choosing to date, and also why you allow this guys to treat you like sh*t. Please take a long break from dating, and a new therapist to deal with the lack of self worth and boundaries. Get rid of the life coach, too. Bad advice!

    This guy was abusive and unstable. Please do not allow people to treat you like this!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-10-2019 at 08:07 PM.

  8. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    41
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Serious question to ask yourself.

    If sex makes you vulnerable ( for many women and some men it does) if youíve had multiple instances of regret and pain why did you do it?

    Why was his anger not a red flag for you? You were arguing after know each other mere days, that didnít seem like a bad match to you?

    What about him made you think it was Ďa connection like no otherí again honest question.

    I canít say Iím seeing any connection, what i see is a woman desperate to be loved that she latched into the first broken man who would have her, I see a woman who compromised her boundaries so someone would love her. I see a woman who really shouldnít be listening to people telling her going against her own emotional well-being is a good idea.

    Iím sorry youíre going through this. I hope you decide to take a breather after this and focus on your self esteem and strengthening your boundaries. Again he did nothing to prove himself, he just bullied you and said some pretty words, and you handed him your heart and body.

    If it wasnít his grandma it would have been something else, he sounds like a train wreck... unfortunately until you get yourself together train wrecks are your dating pool... thatís why this keeps happening broken seeks broken, broken is targeted as an easy lay. Your neediness and desperation is like a flashing sign that says Ďeasily swayedí.

    You deserve better, you deserve dating out of want and not need, you deserve a new therapist and life coach to help you through all this cause the ones youíve got arenít paying attention to what youíre actually going through and what youíre actually doing to yourself.
    Thank you for your response. I donít know why I did that stuff and felt that way. At least now I know where I stand and what I need to do.

  9. #18
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    41
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You should have bailed the first time he demanded sex. BIG RED FLAG! If you do not do casual sex, then why would you continue? "Ease into a relationship" Good grief!

    Then he is blows up at you at you for sex, time after time, and you still see him. This indicates no feelings or respect.

    With all of his disrespectful actions and fights, he then tells you he care about you. UGH. You then sleep with him, because he said he would be monogamous, but NOT bf and gf. Why?!

    I do not want to continue, as this was a tough read. You have a very bad picker when it comes to men. You are completely lacking any boundaries, when they are treating you like absolute crap. You should have ditched him after the first time. I know I am being harsh, but you really need to stop dating and reassess the creeps that YOU are choosing to date, and also why you allow this guys to treat you like sh*t. Please take a long break from dating, and a new therapist to deal with the lack of self worth and boundaries. Get rid of the life coach, too. Bad advice!

    This guy was abusive and unstable. Please do not allow people to treat you like this!
    This really sucks to hear, but thank you for your response.

    Abusive, unstable and insecure men are a trend in my dating life, so are bullies. I overlooked a lot of mean things this guy said and did, Iím ashamed to even tell anybody about. I really thought I had something, but all I found was the same situation I swore Iíd never enter again. Iím ashamed I allowed all of these things, I know better. Iím going to make a priority to find counseling that actually helps me.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,845
    Gender
    Male
    I have to ask: Have you been honest with your counselors and coaches? Have you told them about the "mean things" this guy said and did, or did you paint a different version because you were ashamed?

    I ask that with zero judgment, do know, as I don't judge you for any of this. No shame in whatever steps we need to take to find the right pathóin our selves and toward the right people. Been down some strange roads myself. Had to own that, fully, to find some new roads.

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    41
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry if I hit a sore spot. It's not my intention.

    What I mean by the self-identification of broken is really me just quoting you back to you: I feel like my brokenness ruined my chance with a great man. And so on. There's a lot of that sentiment coming through here. What I can't help but feel is that there is something in you that is unresolvedóor some parts of you that you still struggle to acceptóand so you believe that being in a relationship will "fix" them and that a relationship not working out is proof they're not fixed enough.

    That kind of mindset is pretty prohibitive to the whole thing. If you're looking for dating to fill a void, or be the reward for self-work, or be the thing that completes your selfhood, you're likely to attach to people pretty quickly, since they represent something pretty major in your head even before meeting them.

    I think that happened here. Aside from this guy being handsomeóa nice quality, but hardly a rare oneóI'm really struggling to what he offered you that made you swoon. You were fighting like people who have been in a toxic relationship for a good stretch after just a few meetings. Sexually, he made you feel uncomfortable. His bedroom was a shrine to his past breakup. Subtract handsome and in front of you, and I'm really struggling to see what he offered that was pleasurable.

    In a prior post I made the comment that dating is not CrossFit. You don't get stronger simply through reps, through showing up, through having a goal and shooting it down. You kind of build some emotional muscles first, so you can handle the workout, if that makes sense. Part of those emotional muscles is not thinking of yourself as damaged, but as unique, singular, you, so you can meet someone who compliments all that. Those who don'tówho you find yourself arguing with and clashing with earlyóaren't the universe judging you but simply the universe introducing you to someone who isn't right for you.
    I donít know what he offered me. Iím so used to dating men who are wildly inappropriate for me that I saw him as the type of person I should be dating. The men I date are usually still living at home, overweight, unattractive, or have values that will obviously never mesh with my own. This guy was my age, from my hometown, we have a ton of friends in common, similar interests, he was obsessed with fitness as I am, the same level of education and matched me in attractiveness. He seemed like the type of man I should have been dating but didnít think I was good enough for.

    He admitted being jealous of me because I make a six figure income working from home with a light workload at 30 years old. He said I donít have a real job, I got really lucky, I live in fantasy land, heís gonna feel sorry for me when this gig is over and I have to work like a normal person, I live the lifestyle of an extremely wealthy person, he canít believe I sleep until 10pm every morning and heís jealous that he canít do all of those things. Heíd act like I didnít deserve it and say that he was working 90 hours a week making half of what I make and Iím getting paid to do nothing. I never told him my salary, he somehow figured it out and he hated my lifestyle even though he knows I came from rats and roaches and a drug addict single mother who died when I was 14. When I was looking at a new Alfa Romeo, he would smack his teeth and say, ďLiving in the [Company Name] bubbleĒ. He came to my apartment which is a very high end luxury building and had nothing nice to say. That my couch didnít look comfortable and my bedroom looked like a sterile dungeon. The first time he sat in my brand new car he commented, ďIt doesnít have a sunroof thoughĒ.

    I didnít care how much money he made and didnít criticize his modest apartment. He had a seasonal job as a high school business teacher, and would work a part time political hourly job over the summer. He wasnít established in any career and wasnít sure what he wanted to do, but that was okay to me and I didnít care. He has a business venture in the making (that he refused to tell me about) with a mutual friend, and I considered him upwardly mobile. Every movie or TV show I suggested, he said he hated. He hated that I did CrossFit, and the music Iíd listen to. All of these things are parallel to my last real relationship in 2015 where the guy beat me so badly one day I didnít even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror.

    I never really sat down and thought about this stuff before, but it me falling into old habits. I donít think Iím going to finish the 100 date challenge.
    Last edited by Badlover; 08-10-2019 at 09:42 PM.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •