Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 66

Thread: Secret relationship?

  1. #1
    Member FraniMar22's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    33
    Gender
    Female

    Secret relationship?

    My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. Up until a few months ago, things were really wonderful. He was very attentive and thoughtful, just an all around great guy. Our issues seem to have started over Facebook, believe it or not. I decided I wanted to be open about our relationship (it's my first interracial relationship). I felt bad about not being true to him or myself and caring more about what other people think. I felt this was being disrespectful to him and our relationship. So, I changed my status to "in a relationship". Everyone was genuinely very happy for me as they know I have been on my own for a long time, after coming out of a long abusive marriage. Well, he didn't seem like he was anxious at all to "advertise" our relationship and didn't want to change his status. I should mention that I have seen him liking several other single women's pictures on FB constantly, rarely comments on any of my posts. It kind of hurt my feelings. No woman wants to see their man paying attention to another woman.

    Anyway, after talking a little about it, he decided to change his status. He was getting so many nice comments, but the next day he deleted the entire post off his page. I also suspect his status is only up there for me to see and no one else. Shortly after that, I saw that I could tag him in the status, so I did. Of course, he had to approve it. It sat there all day and he didn't do a thing about it. I finally asked him about it. He said he sees no need to, again, advertise our relationship on his page. I let it go. After that, anytime I post anything on my page that includes him being tagged, he deletes it off his page. We had a discussion about it last week and he got so mad about the whole thing he would barely speak to me. I told him I didn't understand why he was being like this. Once we made up, he told me he loves me, feels he treats me very well, wants to know why I'm so insecure, he's tired of being accused -- blah, blah, blah. It's not really a Facebook issue, but more of an issue of why am I a secret? You can't identify me on your page?

    So, today I posted something about football season and tagged him. He's a huge football fan, got me interested in it, and we're supposed to get together for a preseason game tonight. I realized that it was not appearing on his page and quickly figured out that he has to now approve my posts. is this all about? It's downright odd at this point. It's like he does not want certain people on his page seeing me. And, I know it's not the interracial issue, because we've discussed that many times. I've also realized something. When we are out, especially in his neck of the woods, he will walk way ahead of me, won't hold my hand, sometimes doesn't introduce me when we run into someone he knows. I have a bad feeling about all this and wanted to get some input. Thoughts anyone?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,563
    I think that you put too much value in FB. How much time do you spend on the site?

    Have you met his friends and family?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,252
    How often do you spend time at his place? How often do you two spend time with his family and friends?

  4. #4
    Member FraniMar22's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    33
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think that you put too much value in FB. How much time do you spend on the site?

    Have you met his friends and family?
    Yes, I have, several times. I am on the site a lot, so is he.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member FraniMar22's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    33
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    How often do you spend time at his place? How often do you two spend time with his family and friends?
    I go to his place every weekend. We live about an hour away from one another. I've been to three family functions.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,563
    "Facebook Relationship Status
    Hi, I'm just joining this group and really need some neutral opinions.

    I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half now. We hit it off right from the start and everything was going so well. About a month ago, I suspected he was talking to other women on Facebook and also still has a profile on a dating site. We both have Facebook and are friends on each other's pages. He had an ex GF on there that I finally made him delete. I didn't understand why an ex needed to be on his FB page anyway. Up until now, neither one of us had changed our relationship status. So, I start poking around and see him liking several of his friend's photos -- ones with low cut shirts, boobs all hanging out, etc. Kinda pissed me off. So, I thought we should mutually change our status. His was still single, mine was non-existent. He said he would change his. I changed mine to "in a relationship" and the month and year. Later in the day, I checked his. He completely deleted relationship status, period. I asked him about it and he said he swore he put relationship. He claims he was trying to fix it while we were on the phone, but couldn't figure it out. Really? It's not that hard. He also said he didn't even notice mine. I was sure it was on my feed. Anyway, that was days ago. He has yet to change his, people are liking my status, except him. I'm hurt, but I'm also mad as hell. My thinking is he doesn't want anyone on his page to know he's taken and still appear single.

    Just a side note, last time I was at his apartment, he had his phone off. His phone is usually chirping with notifications for sports and things like that. The entire weekend it was off. I plan to get to the bottom of this. I came from a very abusive marriage and it took me three years to commit to someone else. I feel like I'm being played."


    This was from May. You do not trust this guy, and with good reason. He is on a dating site and flirting with other women on FB. You have resorted to being very controlling and playing Colombo.

    I suggest you dump this guy and get some counseling. if not, you will make another lousy choice in a partner.

    Everyone advised you to dump this guy, yet you stayed.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,563
    Originally Posted by FraniMar22
    Yes, I have, several times. I am on the site a lot, so is he.
    Only several time in two years? You sound like you are on the periphery of his life.

    Why are you on FB so much?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,252
    So in three months nothing has changed. You've asked him and asked him and the answer is "no".

    He's not going to change his Facebook status. He's just not going to do it.

    Can you accept that?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,563
    Is he still on the dating site?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,502
    Gender
    Male
    I remember your last feed very clearly. We can continue to focus on the nitty gritty of social media, or we can focus on what the nitty-gritty points at: that you are deeply uncomfortable inside this relationship, more anxious than calm, more doubtful than secure. When those become the dominant feelings in a relationship itís typically best to listen to them rather than try to eliminate them through tags, status updates, and the creation of proxy tests where FB becomes the barometer of emotional health.

    Whether heís just not into it as you are, or whether heís just not into FB as you are, the path youíre on is a path to heightened nerves and discomfort not calm and deeper connection. I mean, thereís a reason you think heís only doing these gestures for you to see: because he is. Heís trying to offer you something to soothe you while also being himself, be that a man who is more private on FB or a man who is not as committed to this as you are.

    Speaking for myself? This would drive me bonkers. Iím in a relationship with someone I am crazy about. If my gf wanted to announce, in a status update, that we are together Iíd be weirded out, because I donít do that. Never have. Fortunately, it doesnít come up, ever. Weíre on the same page on that, one of those little things that make the big thing possible. If she needed someone who validated the relationship through social mediaóno judgement, but it would mean Iím not the one for her and sheís not the one for me.

    Maybe itís time to think about it in those terms rather than in the dizzying muck of tags, likes, and updates?

Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •