Secret relationship?

[bluecastle]

I'd remove him as a friend on facebook and see how he feels about THAT. ;)

I would only do this if you're genuinely ready to remove him from your life. Otherwise it's just playing more games with FB and, in the process, exacerbating the symptoms instead of looking for the cure.

[SherrySher]

Yes, remove him from your life. Life is too short for nonsense and game players and people who like to pretend to care but don't.

You're wasting your life, Frani, hoping and praying he will turn into the man of your dreams and start treating you like you want him to.

It's never going to happen. You will get bits and pieces of niceness. (enough to keep you around) and he will go right back to his bs and making excuses as to why he doesn't want to be proper to you.

Men like him don't even deserve a girlfriend.

[catfeeder]

I've also realized something. When we are out, especially in his neck of the woods, he will walk way ahead of me, won't hold my hand, sometimes doesn't introduce me when we run into someone he knows. I have a bad feeling about all this and wanted to get some input.

This would be enough for me. Equality and honesty are important to me, and someone who'd treat me this way would be history.

[LHGirl]

I don't think this is just you being insecure, but then again, I'm biased based on my last relationship, which was almost exactly the same, including finding him still on dating sites. You can scroll through my prior threads, but I'll save you the trouble: this is who he is. Lots of exes on Facebook, the whole thing.

It isn't just stupid "social media"; it's his tool that he knows will hurt you. He knows this bothers you, so he continues. Not "but" he continues, but "so" he continues. He does this because he knows you don't like it, not in spite of that fact. Does that make sense? He keeps up with the exes, the dating sites (yes, he's probably still on some, just with different user names), and keeps you out of site because he knows it'll get a rise out of you, plus it keeps him open to others.

The fact that you've noticed prior relationships, with pictures still, is also telling: he wants you to see those, to be bothered by them. It keeps his ego fed.

Social media is, for him, a big ego shovel, and you are digging up all the dirt and feeding it straight to him.

Now on to you: yes, you need some therapy. I'm not saying that lightly, I'm saying please, go get some help for yourself to discover why you're allowing this. My guess is, there is some family of origin stuff deep down there for you. It took me about a year after the breakup of different therapists, millions of internet searches, books, and even a therapy weekend retreat before I finally got my aha! Keep on searching until you find yours.

This would be enough for me. Equality and honesty are important to me, and someone who'd treat me this way would be history.

I actually quoted myself just so I can add to my post, vis a vis Catfeeder's post, which is something I missed earlier: That he walks ahead of you. In addition to all the stuff from my last relationship that relates to your current one, mine too, always walked ahead of me, and it drove me mad.

As many times as I'd ask him to slow down, it was like he was on this race to see something, someone, better. I walk really fast, too fast for many people, yet with his longer legs and fast pace, I struggled to keep up. I'd ask, and I'd even stop sometimes while he was walking fast, just to see how long it would take him to notice....sometimes, a whole block.

I realized what this was for him: it was his way to not have to be alone in public, because he had this girl...me....as his "not alone" safety net, while still being able to look around, see who's there, what could, or might, be better than what was going on for him at that second.

[DancingFool]

This isn't a relationship, it's a battle of wills. OP's ego depends on making him be who she wants him to be so much so, that she is completely blind to how much bs, lies, cheating, and abuse she is tolerating in order to "win".....except that there is no winning in this game. It's a game rigged to where she will always lose - years of her life, tolerating abuse, humiliation, being kept a secret, etc, etc, etc. I wish there was a way to wake her up and make her see reality for what it is.

People aren't fixer upper projects. You can't make adults do what you want. If you want an actual healthy, loving relationship, you actually need to be healthy yourself first, and be willing to find a man who is healthy and wants what you want. Two people holding hands walking in the same direction. What you, OP, are constantly, and I mean your entire life, are engaging in is dragging in opposite directions, a tug of war. There comes a point where you need to sit down with yourself and figure out what about this tug of war that attracts you, because it clearly does. You can have any man you want, you are CHOOSING those who are cheaters, liars, abusers. Btw, cheating is a form of abuse and a man who keeps you a secret is cheating. There is literally no other reason to keep you hidden. What is it about this drama that you confuse with love? What attracts you and keeps you hooked? You need to sort out and fix yourself before it's too late. You aren't a victim, you are choosing this shaite show for yourself over and over.every.single.day.

[goddess]

Are we reading the same responses? He is on a dating site, flirting with other girls, keeps you on the periphery of his life, and is keeping you a secret. Where do you not see him "hiding something?" There is no future with this guy! Stop making excuses.

Dump him and get some counseling.

I totally agree with Holly. For crying out loud, don't put up with this nonsense, OP! You are being his doormat. Stop this destructive behaviour, now. You cannot tell me that you don't see the red flags all around you. He is so disrespectful. Muster up some self-respect and dump his sorry $ss. You are causing yourself unnecessary stress. Don't do that to yourself, please.