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Thread: Secret relationship?

  1. #51
    Member FraniMar22's Avatar
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    Thank you all so much. I always know where to go when I need a swift kick into reality.

  2. #52
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    What are you going to do?

  3. #53
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Along the lines with what others are saying: it’s worth exploring the instinct to make your whole life about someone who is not doing the same in return. Is there a sense, perhaps subconscious, that if your pour all of yourself into the cup you can compensate for the hesitancy of another? That the path toward creating a life together is to give yours fully over, first, in the hopes that the other one comes around?

    The trouble with this is that the connection rarely feels genuine, built by two, but instead more transactional, aspirational, imbalanced. You have a feeling you crave in the abstract (being loved) and a person who represents the potential for that feeling (the vessel), and so you start mining it out of that person—and, in the process, train yourself to think this is what “love” feels like. Extraction. Heavy lifting. Blood from a stone. You’re left thinking that none of it would exist—or that all you really have is the abstraction—if you stopped mining for it.

    Love and affection are not things we should feel we need to “lose ourselves” to gain from others. If that’s the price of admission, the show isn’t even worth sitting through. The seats are uncomfortable, the picture blurry, the sound quality grating. For both parties involved, with the one doing the “losing” generally getting the shorter end of the stick because he or she is emptying everything in hopes of being full. The other will naturally resist, in part because he or she wants to feel like more than a vessel to fulfill another’s wishes.

    What I suspect is the really hard thing about the dynamic you’re in right now is that, deep down, you both doubt the authenticity of the other. No one wants to say that out loud, because to say it out loud shines a big, bright light on the sharp edges inside you both that make the connection possible. But in the long run, I think, you’ll be better served, and will feel better, my acknowledging what is really there between you (and what isn’t) rather than continuously fighting that and looking for ways (a tag, a post) that keeps you both in the dark a little longer.

    You are worth more than what you’re getting here. The social media stuff is a proxy for that—your spirit calling out to you and asking you, not him, for a little more love than you’ve been giving yourself.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Simply put..ask yourself if you want better and if you think you deserve better? Are you strong enough to walk away? Or do you want to continue being the hidden secret and with a partner who would rather hide you when it suits him?

    Your future doesn't have to be more of the same. But in order for it to be different, it needs to be a different man. You might have to reassess what you allow into your life and how you allow yourself to be treated. Maybe you don't think you deserve better? Or maybe you're too scared to leave him because you think you can't get better.

    But truth be told, no one would be happy being pushed back and hidden. How could anyone feel loved when that's going on?

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...he has disrespected you in so many ways, why would you put up with that?....when I read the first sentence of your post I thought, "He wouldn't be my man."

  7. #56
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You came on a little strong with the fb thing but he didn't react well to it or agree with you in the way you both use it. I don't think you're comfortable with each other and you put him on edge. This isn't the guy for you and I don't think you both bring out the good in each other. Why hang around someone like this who brings you down? What a waste of time and effort?

  8. #57
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Make a pact for both of you to take a break from FB. Keep social media out of your relationship and stop checking up on each other.

    Focus on your relationship w/o 24 / 7 FB attention which is very mentally unhealthy. So what if he doesn't want to blast that you're in a relationship with him? Perhaps he wishes to keep his private life private.

    Keep in mind, some people who are not white are reluctant to tell the world about their interracial relationship. They fear judgment and racial discrimination from their family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.

    However, the part that would bother me is his constant "likes" for single women's pictures on FB. I would be hurt, too. He should have integrity and show respect for you. It is indeed disrespectful to have a roving eye. You need to talk to him about this and tell him how you feel.

    Back in the day when I was dating my husband, we didn't have FB and our relationship flourished. Try having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship the old-fashioned way such as before the Internet. I think you will grow to actually enjoy and appreciate it! It's truly less complicated.

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Make a pact for both of you to take a break from FB. Keep social media out of your relationship and stop checking up on each other.

    Focus on your relationship w/o 24 / 7 FB attention which is very mentally unhealthy. So what if he doesn't want to blast that you're in a relationship with him? Perhaps he wishes to keep his private life private.

    Keep in mind, some people who are not white are reluctant to tell the world about their interracial relationship. They fear judgment and racial discrimination from their family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.

    However, the part that would bother me is his constant "likes" for single women's pictures on FB. I would be hurt, too. He should have integrity and show respect for you. It is indeed disrespectful to have a roving eye. You need to talk to him about this and tell him how you feel.

    Back in the day when I was dating my husband, we didn't have FB and our relationship flourished. Try having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship the old-fashioned way such as before the Internet. I think you will grow to actually enjoy and appreciate it! It's truly less complicated.
    He is also on a dating after two years. And, his reaction to her concern was to get upset and stop talking to her for some time. This is very manipulative. She has only had 3 interactions with family in two years. This goes way beyond FB if you read her other posts. He has no intention of bring her into his life, or he would have done so long ago.

  10. #59
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    He is also on a dating after two years. And, his reaction to her concern was to get upset and stop talking to her for some time. This is very manipulative. She has only had 3 interactions with family in two years. This goes way beyond FB if you read her other posts. He has no intention of bring her into his life, or he would have done so long ago.
    Then it's time to end the relationship.

  11. #60
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    Dump him. He is not being true to your feelings. It's more than Facebook. You are being hidden. I'd remove him as a friend on facebook and see how he feels about THAT. ;)

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