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Dad has cancer, going through chemo... mum is mentally unwell...


flatsquirrel

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So basically, my dad's cancer has returned. He is going through chemo and is very unwell atm, even though he is 6 weeks into 6 months of chemo. They aren't young, my mum and dad. Dad is 73, mum 74 and mother is very dependent on my dad, as she has been severely mentally unwell since her 30's. She has had a lot of bad stuff happen in life. MY dad cooks, does garden and DIY.

 

She can't even go to the shop by herself and only leaves the house once a week.

 

I have declined a job opportunity and came home from abroad, to support my dad. However, my mum and her mental illness and stubbornness makes life hard for me and my siblings to be there for dad.

 

She is snappy, grumpy, mean and will not really let my dad rest properly. She snaps at him and gets upset/angry with him. He needs to rest, but she has him cooking, cleaning and maing her cups of tea on demand. If i say I will make the tea, she gets moody. Its so bizzare. I thought my fathers diagnosis would snap her out of it, but it hasnt.

 

One of the dogs is very barky and we have been trying to train the dog not to bark, but my mum will not follow suit. My poor dad cannot sleep properly and jumps when the dog barks and it has him on edge. We bought a training collar that sprays a mist when the dog barks, but causes no harm. If the dog wears it, she doesnt bark. Simples, however my mum wont put it on the dog, even when my dad is trying to rest.

 

She is also like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde with me, makes life very unpleasant for my siblings and I. She gets moody and grumpy and argues over nothing or trivial things. I don't know what to do, a lot of the time its emotionally abusive really, I moved abroad and travelled a lot but came home recently after planning to live abroad, to support my dad through this.

 

However, I am sick of the toxicness from my mum. I am sick as are my siblings, of how things are for my dad.

 

I am a yogi, practice most days for an hour and a halh...and meditate a lot and have a lot of empathy for my mother, however, you would think if she had bad upbringing etc... that she would be different. However, mental illness too ingrained.

 

How to deal?

 

I just don't get how she can still be like this with us/my dad. However, I think its too mentally engrained and she will not change.

 

I know its right to be at home, I wish she could just be chill and make life pleasant.

 

(BTW anything you suggest, for her to try, trust me as a family we have tried a million times, this is more a how to deal)

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No, she is just always like this. However, it is much more draining and frustrating seeing my dad's health deteriorating and him not being able to do what he used to, but her still behaving like he is her butler.

 

This is the thing, we COULD but my mum won't allow it, we have been trying to train the dog but she interjects, which means everyone backs down to suppress her shouting/erraticness and bad behaviour. Its like, she gets away with it because people want an easy life. So if there is an argument, my dad will just do it, to surpress her.

 

Its been like it all of our lives really, mine and my siblings.

 

 

PArt of me wants to back abroad to escape my mother, but makes me feel heartbroken over my father.

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Does your mom have the mental capacity to be making decisions for herself, your father, and your family in general?

 

This is something that would have to be assessed by a family physician.

 

I’m sorry you and your family are going through this.

 

Have you and your siblings sat her down and had a candid conversation with her about what to do moving forward?

 

I’m not sure if this type of hard stance, or straightforward approach would even work, but maybe pointing out how she needs to work together with you and your siblings to make things work, instead of making things more stressful would help?

 

Has your dad said anything to her?

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My sister has talked to her, my brother likes to remain impartial. I am the youngest, even though I am well travelled, a qualified science teacher with a BSc in chemistry, I still get treat very much like a child as there is a big age gap and anything i say/suggest tends to fall on deaf ears, hence spending a lot of time abroad, where I can function as a proper adult without the family dynamics.

 

My sister has spoke to her, she has said she is aware but cannot help it. I have a feeling something big will happen soon and her behaviour will have to change.

 

I know my dads 3rd round of intravenous chemo is coming up, plus the chemo tablets he is on are taking toll physically and mentally, its like something is going to snap soon!

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My mother was clinically depressed. As a result she only focused on herself and what she felt she "needed" from me. I had a newborn but if I walked away to change his diaper and didn't set him down to run to her when she called, I was accused of not loving her and wishing she was dead.

 

I'm sorry, I totally sympathize and do not have a solution. My mother's depression finally caused her death at a very young age (early 50s). She had a very unhappy life and I hate that she was so miserable. But that didn't make it any easier to deal with.

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I feel you boltnrun ... its exactly how it is here. Plus, my dad is such a positive soul and lovely, would do anything for anyone... which is why he keeps it up.

 

It is a literally, nothing anyone can do but it is horrific to deal with. My mum is so housebound that it makes moving hard for her... we say to her if she started moving more, moving would be easier, but she won't have it. She won't even walk to the end of the road anymore, but a lot of her physical ailments stem from mental.

 

It really is sad, but what can you do.

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34!

 

I just don't know what to do for the best, if I should stay or leave. :( it doesnt help me being here with my mum as she is just abusive, mentally. Like just now, big argument with my dad and being mean to me...

 

I want to be here to support my dad, but its too much with my mum!

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Here's the deal: You can't really change your mum or dad's situation unless you can afford more care for them while you live your life abroad. I'm feeling a lot of guilt coming from you and having to assert yourself even remotely (you don't feel good about yourself overall and that can be from all the negativity and your strong opinions about your parents). They've been living with each other for a long time. You're a bit too emotional and angry with your mum and that's also going to cloud your judgment on what to do to help them. Your initial feelings of flight (flight or fight) are very strong. You want to run away again and get away from them. This is not uncommon when there's high stress. Take it down a little and try to manage that stress building up inside you. It'll help you think clearer.

 

Here's what I would do: Check up on them more often and visit if you can. The others have mentioned checking up on your mum also, not just your dad, and his health. You may also hire a walker for the dog twice a day, minimum once a day. What should be happening are adequate walks and exercise. Walk it for over an hour if it's a small dog twice a day and longer for a bigger dog. I used to walk my shepherd twice or three times a day for over an hour. That's 2-3 hours of walking per day and training on top of that at home because some dogs really need that mental exercise. It's likely the dog is not getting enough exercise physically or maybe even mentally. Well-acclimated dogs shouldn't behave like that or be so anxious. Try looking into a professional walker for that dog for their sake as it's a source of companionship, it seems. How's the garden doing now that your dad's ill too? Are you able to afford a gardener to come every couple of weeks to look in? Or can you do the gardening? Ask your dad what he thinks about his garden and see what his thoughts are. Check in with your mum too. Is the house ok? Anything leaking/broken or who's doing the cleaning?

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Your mother is miserable, and upset at the situation they are in. When looking from the outside in, we see an uncaring, ungrateful woman. But it's her mental illness making her in denial, or won't accept he is ill, so she keeps pushing him not stop doing things for her. She is having trouble coping which is part of her illness. I suggest you and your siblings take turns taking care of your dad, getting your mom out of the house for some positive stimulation or you all pool your money together and get a healthcare worker to help out with those things. I think if she spends time away, her stress level will go down, and it will stop triggering her aggression. It would be beneficial for the two of them to be apart...he can finally get the rest he needs, and she can have some of that stress lifted.

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I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry for your father, too.

 

I agree with others regarding the dog needing exercise. If your dog has short little legs, make sure the walk isn't too long otherwise it won't enjoy exhausting walks anymore. If it's a large dog, then obviously, it needs more exercise time at least twice a day.

 

Perhaps your mother needs friends as an outlet. I've noticed people who isolate themselves are cut off from the outside world with zero friends tend to be cantankerous types. :upset: Socializing and having real life friends makes you live longer and it's better for you or your mother both mentally and physically. Hopefully, she'll become a happier person which will spillover to her home life.

 

I was very cranky when I temporarily shunned my friends and declined socializing. After I rekindled friendships and enjoyed their company, I became happier, upbeat and more joyful around my husband and sons. It's great to have a social life outside just home life. Your mother needs more than just the 4 walls at home. It's no wonder she's going crazy. Most people would!

 

She needs healthy diversions and distractions. She needs to learn how to laugh. I enjoy my BFF in particular because we make each other laugh. :D

 

Your mother needs joy in her life especially during this depressing time and a support network of friends in person.

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You need to get your own place and go back to work. You can still visit and talk to your dad on the phone whenever you want. Your being in their house, crowded with other siblings is not working out. You are well aware of your mother's problems and well aware of your fathers illness.

 

They are not going to change at their age and the antagonistic relationship between you and your mother is creating even more stress for your father.

 

Move out. Get a full time job and stay busy with that. You are too old to live at home with your parents.

34 .I just don't know what to do for the best, if I should stay or leave.
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