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Thread: Dad has cancer, going through chemo... mum is mentally unwell...

  1. #11
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    My mum does have a nice side too... she isn't like this 24/7. I do feel bad posting this, as she can be really nice and lovely.

  2. #12
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    My mother was clinically depressed. As a result she only focused on herself and what she felt she "needed" from me. I had a newborn but if I walked away to change his diaper and didn't set him down to run to her when she called, I was accused of not loving her and wishing she was dead.

    I'm sorry, I totally sympathize and do not have a solution. My mother's depression finally caused her death at a very young age (early 50s). She had a very unhappy life and I hate that she was so miserable. But that didn't make it any easier to deal with.

  3. #13
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    I feel you boltnrun ... its exactly how it is here. Plus, my dad is such a positive soul and lovely, would do anything for anyone... which is why he keeps it up.

    It is a literally, nothing anyone can do but it is horrific to deal with. My mum is so housebound that it makes moving hard for her... we say to her if she started moving more, moving would be easier, but she won't have it. She won't even walk to the end of the road anymore, but a lot of her physical ailments stem from mental.

    It really is sad, but what can you do.

  4. #14
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    How old are you, flat?

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  6. #15
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    34!

    I just don't know what to do for the best, if I should stay or leave. :( it doesnt help me being here with my mum as she is just abusive, mentally. Like just now, big argument with my dad and being mean to me...

    I want to be here to support my dad, but its too much with my mum!

  7. #16
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Are your siblings older than you or are you the oldest? Also, what is their financial status?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Here's the deal: You can't really change your mum or dad's situation unless you can afford more care for them while you live your life abroad. I'm feeling a lot of guilt coming from you and having to assert yourself even remotely (you don't feel good about yourself overall and that can be from all the negativity and your strong opinions about your parents). They've been living with each other for a long time. You're a bit too emotional and angry with your mum and that's also going to cloud your judgment on what to do to help them. Your initial feelings of flight (flight or fight) are very strong. You want to run away again and get away from them. This is not uncommon when there's high stress. Take it down a little and try to manage that stress building up inside you. It'll help you think clearer.

    Here's what I would do: Check up on them more often and visit if you can. The others have mentioned checking up on your mum also, not just your dad, and his health. You may also hire a walker for the dog twice a day, minimum once a day. What should be happening are adequate walks and exercise. Walk it for over an hour if it's a small dog twice a day and longer for a bigger dog. I used to walk my shepherd twice or three times a day for over an hour. That's 2-3 hours of walking per day and training on top of that at home because some dogs really need that mental exercise. It's likely the dog is not getting enough exercise physically or maybe even mentally. Well-acclimated dogs shouldn't behave like that or be so anxious. Try looking into a professional walker for that dog for their sake as it's a source of companionship, it seems. How's the garden doing now that your dad's ill too? Are you able to afford a gardener to come every couple of weeks to look in? Or can you do the gardening? Ask your dad what he thinks about his garden and see what his thoughts are. Check in with your mum too. Is the house ok? Anything leaking/broken or who's doing the cleaning?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Your mother is miserable, and upset at the situation they are in. When looking from the outside in, we see an uncaring, ungrateful woman. But it's her mental illness making her in denial, or won't accept he is ill, so she keeps pushing him not stop doing things for her. She is having trouble coping which is part of her illness. I suggest you and your siblings take turns taking care of your dad, getting your mom out of the house for some positive stimulation or you all pool your money together and get a healthcare worker to help out with those things. I think if she spends time away, her stress level will go down, and it will stop triggering her aggression. It would be beneficial for the two of them to be apart...he can finally get the rest he needs, and she can have some of that stress lifted.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry for your father, too.

    I agree with others regarding the dog needing exercise. If your dog has short little legs, make sure the walk isn't too long otherwise it won't enjoy exhausting walks anymore. If it's a large dog, then obviously, it needs more exercise time at least twice a day.

    Perhaps your mother needs friends as an outlet. I've noticed people who isolate themselves are cut off from the outside world with zero friends tend to be cantankerous types. Socializing and having real life friends makes you live longer and it's better for you or your mother both mentally and physically. Hopefully, she'll become a happier person which will spillover to her home life.

    I was very cranky when I temporarily shunned my friends and declined socializing. After I rekindled friendships and enjoyed their company, I became happier, upbeat and more joyful around my husband and sons. It's great to have a social life outside just home life. Your mother needs more than just the 4 walls at home. It's no wonder she's going crazy. Most people would!

    She needs healthy diversions and distractions. She needs to learn how to laugh. I enjoy my BFF in particular because we make each other laugh.

    Your mother needs joy in her life especially during this depressing time and a support network of friends in person.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to get your own place and go back to work. You can still visit and talk to your dad on the phone whenever you want. Your being in their house, crowded with other siblings is not working out. You are well aware of your mother's problems and well aware of your fathers illness.

    They are not going to change at their age and the antagonistic relationship between you and your mother is creating even more stress for your father.

    Move out. Get a full time job and stay busy with that. You are too old to live at home with your parents.
    Originally Posted by flatsquirrel
    34 .I just don't know what to do for the best, if I should stay or leave.

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