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Exhausted with dating/being single


rubys

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I’m turning 30 in a month’s time and I’m dreading turning 30 single.

 

Most of my 20s I spent with the same guy. A musician who’s career got better and better over the years, which meant more time away from our home, and more time I spent alone. He loved it because he was doing what he loved, but I hated the endless nights I spent alone while he toured all over. We broke up two years ago and I was completely heart broken although I knew it was right. Within a month he was in a relationship with someone he’d met on tour.

 

I gave myself some time to grieve. Moved to my parents’ place for a while before getting back on my feet.

 

Since then I’ve dated quite a bit. I started really liking a guy I met only a few months after my big break up, but after a few months that all ended because he said he wanted to move away (he never did and that hurt!).

 

Last winter I met a guy who was performing on tour in my city and we hit it off. It felt safe because I recognised the lifestyle of what I’d had with my long term ex. I got in really deep with him for a few months only for that to end in the same way as my last relationship - because our lifestyles didn’t work, we wanted different things. He toured for work. I didn’t. I thought we’d be able to leave it on a friendly note, but the last message I had said he was in a relationship and felt it was wrong to text me back. I was really sad about that. It felt like it invalidated all the effort of getting to know eachother, to just write it off.

 

When it ended i was devastated. I think the ‘break up’ with him made me face everything I’d hidden after breaking up with my ex. It all hit at once. I was having daily panic attacks and had to take time off work.

 

I finally met a guy a month or so ago and we’d been on a few dates. I fancied him a lot. I was excited by it - after all the hurt of the precious few years I felt it was my time! But in the last week or so it has flaked away. I told him I was just looking for someone to get to know me with the same enthusiasm I have (ie. at least one date per week after three dates), and he just said it wasn’t him. So I’ve left that one there.

 

I feel so totally exhausted with all these knock backs. I’m a strong person with an incredible friendship group, family and job. I’m so happy in all other aspects of my life, but I just want to meet someone to call my own.

 

I’m so drained by feeling like I’m not good enough for every guy I meet. It feels like every person I meet now is putting me in a vulnerable position where I’m going to get really hurt again.

 

How do people deal with this rejection? I want nothing more than to settle down and have children in the next few years, but I just feel like it’s out of my reach!

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Dating is hard and I dated from age 14-39 (around my 39th birthday my former fiancee and I got back together and got married) - 30s were hard. What struck me -so surprising -was that you were alone/lonely when your boyfriend was touring? Why? What have you done in your life to make sure you have the option to hang out with people or do activities or do volunteer work or dance or hike or whatever so that you have a fun fulfilling life aside from your romantic relationship? My husband travels regularly and we were long distance for years even through our first year of engagement/marriage when I was pregnant - and I didn't feel lonely. Yes when I had a newborn and wasn't feeling well I sometimes felt alone/anxious but that's different.

 

How I dealt with the disappointments and rejection -I doggedly kept my eyes on the (not guaranteed!) prize -for me marriage and hopefully a child - and I created a life for myself outside of my romantic relationship - I worked hard, was involved in various groups -a women's networking group, a book club, I did weekly volunteer work at a homeless shelter, I went to a gym, I met friends for lunch and dinner, I went on vacations by myself and met people like that (mostly club med resorts). It made me feel less desperate -and I never ever told myself it was "enough" of course -marriage and child were my goal - but it meant that I knew since it wasn't guaranteed I'd made a real and full life for myself. Also consider that you're going for men who attract you in the music industry (I love art, artists, huge fan and patron of the arts/worked with artists/husband has some abilities in that way) but their lifestyle might not be a good fit for you long term. Dating is exhausting and like a job too often and requires a thick skin -I get it - and if the goal is worth it to you it's all worth it,promise. All the best to you.

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Yes, dating can be upsetting, frustrating, etc. I know that after my first marriage ended, over more than a two and a half year, period, I had to go on dates with about 30 men, most not going beyond the first meet up, before finding my lifetime companion. Most of them were through OLD. I only found out about Meetup.com shortly before I met my husband on OLD, but would recommend Meetup.com as a less stressful route if you have any activities for singles in your age group listed on that site.

 

Think about how rare and lucky you would be to meet someone, on the first try, who shares your dating style and matches you in all the major ways. You usually have to spread your net wide and date a boatload of men for that to happen.

 

You wasted time dating the 2nd touring guy, since you'd already dumped the 1st one for the same issue. Think about your must-have and dealbreakers list and stick to it so you will no longer waste precious time.

 

Instead of not feeling good enough, see it as that you're not compatible. I know that I released catches that didn't match me in how I liked to date. On the other hand, don't date in desperation, wanting a companion so badly that you're overlooking red flags and lowering your standards. It's also best not to project to the future when you first start dating. See it as enjoying someone's company and taking a day by day attitude without envisioning him as a future husband. He will feel that energy from you and be scared away.

 

Good luck.

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Hang in there. I guess I've never really made a big deal about what someone else's career or profession or lifestyle might be as long as there's no drugs, no crazy drinking/parties or stuff I can't expose around my son. I've been busy my whole life so there's really not much for me to pick about when it comes to someone else's interests and what keeps that person going. I think it's important. Maybe like the others are saying, find worthwhile things to pursue too. My husband and I now have very radically different lifestyles and schedules. We both know what to do though and it doesn't interrupt what we need to do for ourselves or for our family. Take it easy and go easy on yourself there. Why not go somewhere for your bday? Explore a place you've never been to. I think that's something I'd do.

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No, don’t hang in there.

 

No, don’t keep going.

 

No, no , no , no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Your inner self, your self esteem your self worth who you are your sense of self is slowly dying a painful death and you’re ignoring it because, ‘oh! I can’t be single!’

 

Look at your words you recognize each subsequent break up is making you feel more and more vulnerable. Like the pain is compounding right? Cause it is!!!! That’s how dating to cope and rebounding works!!!! It’s logical because that’s textbook how it works, even these new guys are like your ex, you think it’s a good thing because it’s familiar? How could it be this close to ground zero? All you will do is try to relive your relationship and this time be successful

 

You gave yourself zero time to heal, most likely because he met someone else after a month, he won something now you have to win something.

 

Don’t focus on anyone’s journey but your own.

 

Be alone, you’ve been with someone your whole dating life, figure out who you are, learn to love you, then and only then will your armor be strong enough to face dating with clear intention boundaries and goals, like I said, right now you’re finding carbon copies of your ex to make the pain stop...

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I don't think she needs to stop dating in order to do this work. I think it can be done simultaneously. She will be more mindful so that she might have some false starts - a date or two with a musician type, etc but not a full blown relationship. If you take time off OP I wouldn't stop for more than a year if you're interested in the opportunity to conceive a child naturally - and get to know someone for a few years before attempting that. If you're not interested in being a parent then I don't see why you need to date/look to date now or even in a year.

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Look at her posting history.

 

She chases after unavailable men. Specifically musicians, like her ex.

 

She’s dating to cope. She has been for the past year so instead of healing, she’s wasted a year chasing dead ends. If she healed and spent time learning to be ok with herself and who she is, learning her boundaries, her standards, her wants and needs, she can stop wasting time.

 

If I’m trying to stop smoking crack, I’m not going to unlearn unhealthy habits while still hanging around crack dens, one must unlearn bad habits, you can’t do that while constantly being exposed to your trigger, that’s not how it works.

 

Broken seeks broken, if you date while broken you will attract broken.Right now she’s white knuckling her way through dating, posting history, to me, potential men, who will be there when she’s healed, will walk away, leaving her dating pool nothing but other broken men. So she will keep meeting flakes and hang onto them, traveling musicians who only want hook ups and the ones who want a relationship with her may or may not want to deal with the baggage.

 

She’s worse off now than if she healed, that’s what I see.

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Yes, and I see it differently than other kinds of habits - if she were being abused by men or anything like that or harming herself over men I would totally agree- I've seen many many women seek out unavailable men as a pattern and work on that plus continue meeting people and going on dates with huge success, many times.. I think she has to do the work you suggested and she doesn't have to stop looking to date or going on dates. I think it can be done simultaneously. As I wrote certainly if she wants to wait a year no harm with that.

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I've come to more or less accept the fact that some people do need kids and a family in order to feel complete. I have a lot of friends that feel that way or have felt that way from a young age but I didn't understand it when we were younger. Some friends, we went our separate ways for a long time before reconnecting again. Different paths, as they say, and then reconnected again and see each other now and then.

 

It may not be as simple as finding a person's sense of self when that sense of self is dependent on creating a family or measuring up to a standard that is actually... well, self-imposed to start with. Great points above and I definitely agree on being clear on a sense of self. I think where the lines get blurry is when that sense of self involves meeting standards that are self-imposed already (ie. finding a long term relationship and settling down).

 

That's what I meant by hang in there and stay positive. I think there needs to be a strong combination of all the above - finding that sense of self, focusing on her own journey, asking hard questions, finding her own way, readjusting standards and being at peace. All different ways in order to get to the same point: happiness and a sense of peace, a stronger sense of self. Anyway, great conversation here.

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I agree with you both believe it or not.

 

But according to her other posts her anxiety is sky high when dating, she’s either overthinking after a couple of dates or convincing herself she’s ok with scraps given by men who only want to hookup. I completely agree you can’t learn to swim without getting into water, to me, and obviously the OPer will have to speak for herself, to me, she’s never really been single, she went from this relationship with her boyfriend in her 20, most her 20s, to now being single, and well desperately trying not to be, that to me, is where the issue lies. Dating out of desperation and fear and hurt and to cope. I agree with the general idea that if ones goals is a family one should pursue that, I agree with the generalized advice to take seriously your pursuit of those goals, this isn’t general though, we have enough info from the OPer to recognize that. She states in her original post she’s becoming fearful of dating because of how vulnerable it’s making her, I don’t see how, just keep going is actually paying attention to what she’s saying...

 

That’s just me though. At the end of the day she will decide what’s best and to be honest, I don’t see her taking a break.To me, it’s going to waste much more time and put her at risk for a toxic relationship but maybe she will get lucky, I guess time will tell.

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I agree with you both believe it or not.

 

But according to her other posts her anxiety is sky high when dating, she’s either overthinking after a couple of dates or convincing herself she’s ok with scraps given by men who only want to hookup. I completely agree you can’t learn to swim without getting into water, to me, and obviously the OPer will have to speak for herself, to me, she’s never really been single, she went from this relationship with her boyfriend in her 20, most her 20s, to now being single, and well desperately trying not to be, that to me, is where the issue lies. Dating out of desperation and fear and hurt and to cope. I agree with the general idea that if ones goals is a family one should pursue that, I agree with the generalized advice to take seriously your pursuit of those goals, this isn’t general though, we have enough info from the OPer to recognize that. She states in her original post she’s becoming fearful of dating because of how vulnerable it’s making her, I don’t see how, just keep going is actually paying attention to what she’s saying...

 

That’s just me though. At the end of the day she will decide what’s best and to be honest, I don’t see her taking a break.To me, it’s going to waste much more time and put her at risk for a toxic relationship but maybe she will get lucky, I guess time will tell.

 

I agree with you that a break sure would be helpful and don't think that it should be years-long if she wants a family.

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I've come to more or less accept the fact that some people do need kids and a family in order to feel complete. I have a lot of friends that feel that way or have felt that way from a young age but I didn't understand it when we were younger. Some friends, we went our separate ways for a long time before reconnecting again. Different paths, as they say, and then reconnected again and see each other now and then.

 

It may not be as simple as finding a person's sense of self when that sense of self is dependent on creating a family or measuring up to a standard that is actually... well, self-imposed to start with. Great points above and I definitely agree on being clear on a sense of self. I think where the lines get blurry is when that sense of self involves meeting standards that are self-imposed already (ie. finding a long term relationship and settling down).

 

That's what I meant by hang in there and stay positive. I think there needs to be a strong combination of all the above - finding that sense of self, focusing on her own journey, asking hard questions, finding her own way, readjusting standards and being at peace. All different ways in order to get to the same point: happiness and a sense of peace, a stronger sense of self. Anyway, great conversation here.

 

I didn't need marriage and family for a "sense of self" -marriage and family -along with my career and academic accomplishments were my top life goals (I am not including making contributions to my community, to society, being a moral and ethical person in word and action -those are daily goals, forever goals -I'm putting those in a separate category -they are not less important than career, for sure!!). It wasn't about "feeling complete". It wasn't dependent on marriage and family either -they were life goals. I definitely felt that having a boyfriend and being "popular" when I was younger (I had the former, not the latter for the most part) was part of my sense of self -and that was when I also really cared about having someone handsome on my arm - that increased my self worth and feeling "popular". Ick. I outgrew that. I cannot stand when people feel they have to point out what they have -whether it's a child, a career, money, property in order to prove that they are worthy and that they matter. I cannot stand the whole "smug married" thing. It was thrown in my face for many years including when i was practically engaged, 40 and trying to conceive - i remember one long-married mom friend saying "so how's the crazy single life?" as if my life must be all parties and "crazy" just because I wasn't married. I told her I didn't know because we were busy trying to conceive, I was working crazy hours and more than full time and my father and my boyfriend's parents weren't well on top of it.

 

Please don't assume that people who want marriage and family more than anything need those things to feel complete or to have a healthful sense of self. Some do i am sure. That's sad.

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I don't think I've assumed anything at all. Your language is a bit contradictory though, Batya. I'm referring to your last sentence: "...people who want marriage and family more than anything". That actually implies that it is part of their healthful sense of self and I really am calling a spade a spade: that it is necessary to feel complete (for some). You seem to have read into this phrase "to feel complete" a little more negatively than I intended. There was no derogatory spin on this. If that's how it came off, it was completely misread. I'm not sure why it's sad either. That's their standard of happiness and if it makes a person feel complete and supremely happy, so what? I think there's room to allow for different standards of happiness.

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I'm sorry for your pain and rejection, rubys.

 

I don't think having a settled life with children is out of reach. You're still young!

 

Do you have a tendency to date only musicians? Perhaps widen your search. Musicians travel a lot, they're away from home especially during evenings, have irregular sleep schedules and it's an impractical lifestyle for you. Steer clear of musicians. Try dating men who have more conventional professions and regular hours.

 

Perhaps you're looking at all the wrong places. Great men are not found at singles bars. They're very busy with college, on the fast track with their careers, belong to various groups and organizations depending on interest (professional / sports / hobbies / travel / intellectual pursuits / excursions), volunteering in the community, at church, in ministry groups and the like.

 

I know a lot of my female friends met their spouses through church, mutual friends and family. They know people and they can tell you about personality and character because they've done their homework for you.

 

How do you deal with rejection? You give yourself time to heal your wounds and you'll become wiser. Be very picky and choosy and never settle just because you're afraid of being alone. It's better to be alone than lonely with the wrong man. Also, whenever you're rejected, know the relationship wasn't meant to be. You can't force two people together if they don't think alike. It won't work which you must accept and once you accept it, you take the sting out of rejection.

 

Think of rejection as shopping around. You'll develop more discriminating taste. Just like when you shop for clothes. Some clothes are great for someone else and you know which clothes you don't care for just like there are people whom you don't wish to associate with due to personal preferences.

 

Many times a break up or estrangement are blessings in disguise. Look at the silver lining. It didn't work out and it's time to start fresh either with soul searching or taking your time choosing the right one.

 

It's not out of your reach. Remember, you need to have something attractive to offer and bring something to the table, too. You need to take great care of yourself mentally and physically. Become secure with yourself. Take care of your health, exercise, eat right and feel better about yourself due to high self esteem and self confidence. If you have a great job, concentrate on that, succeed and prosper. If you want a winner in your life, you have to be a winner, too. Birds of a feather flock together.

 

I wanted everything you want and I got it because I did the above. I hailed from a lower socioeconomic background, however, I made something out of my former bleak life. I went to college, worked a full time night shift job, financially supported my widowed mother and younger siblings, transferred to day shift full time, met new people within my social circle and it was a whole new world for me. I met others who were working hard and doing the same thing I was or something similar. Suddenly, I was with those within my age bracket and had the time of my life. I was pushing through an open door. I eventually married a great man and have 2 great sons. I'm blessed as you will be, too. You have to start somewhere.

 

It starts with concentrating on being the best you can be. This is how you attract men to you like bees to honey!

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I don't think I've assumed anything at all. Your language is a bit contradictory though, Batya. I'm referring to your last sentence: "...people who want marriage and family more than anything". That actually implies that it is part of their healthful sense of self and I really am calling a spade a spade: that it is necessary to feel complete (for some). You seem to have read into this phrase "to feel complete" a little more negatively than I intended. There was no derogatory spin on this. If that's how it came off, it was completely misread. I'm not sure why it's sad either. That's their standard of happiness and if it makes a person feel complete and supremely happy, so what? I think there's room to allow for different standards of happiness.

 

I agree it's probably semantics. No, not necessary to feel complete as a person. More than anything as a life goal - two different things in my opinion and in my experience. I think it's sad when people get so wrapped up in marriage and family that it defines their very sense of self. Because as we know, unfortunately those things might not happen or might be taken away prematurely/not work out. And what a burden for a child to bear for example if the parent defines his sense of self as being a parent -when that child grows up and wants even more independence, etc. just consider that. I am complete without my husband or child. I was complete before they came along. I hope others feel the same so that if they too have the life goals of marriage and family it enhances their life not "completes" what was incomplete.

 

I'll add this OP - and in response -when I returned to my profession after 7 years away I didn't realize how much I missed it and yes it does in a way define my sense of self - that resonates with me. I get that - so OP find things that are your own that define you -that you worked for, that belong to you and only you -that basically cannot be taken away from you and that are not dependent on another person's love for you.

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I would start learning how to screen out bad matches before investing in them. Otherwise, you're just repeating the same scenario over and over again hoping for a different outcome. Taking up with guys who want casual while you want a committed relationship will end the same way every time. That's not only exhausting, it's a waste of your time and it does something to your head. Have you noticed?

 

One reason people use dating apps is to state up front what they are looking for and to screen out people who don't want the same things. It's less random, more goal focused, and less exhausting because you don't need to meet for full dates to screen people. Set up a bunch of quick coffee meets on your way home from work. If you get stood up, take your coffee with you. Otherwise, spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out and learning whether you have enough chemistry to warrant a full date. Rules are that neither can corner the other to ask for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

It's important to grasp that most people are NOT our match, so it makes no sense to invest in everyone we meet or date. With millions of people in the world, each with unique vision, the odds of finding someone who's lens matches our own is a needle in the haystack thing. True simpatico is rare, and so is love. If love were not rare, what would be so special about it? So rolling with rejection means that you understand that most people will not own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value. That speaks of their limits rather than of any reflection on you.

 

Head high.

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Ok simply start dating guys who are secure, stable and make sense. Leave the rock stars and bad boys in the past.

I’m dreading turning 30 single. I want nothing more than to settle down and have children in the next few years, but I just feel like it’s out of my reach!
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