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Thread: Exhausted with dating/being single

  1. #11
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    Yes, and I see it differently than other kinds of habits - if she were being abused by men or anything like that or harming herself over men I would totally agree- I've seen many many women seek out unavailable men as a pattern and work on that plus continue meeting people and going on dates with huge success, many times.. I think she has to do the work you suggested and she doesn't have to stop looking to date or going on dates. I think it can be done simultaneously. As I wrote certainly if she wants to wait a year no harm with that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I've come to more or less accept the fact that some people do need kids and a family in order to feel complete. I have a lot of friends that feel that way or have felt that way from a young age but I didn't understand it when we were younger. Some friends, we went our separate ways for a long time before reconnecting again. Different paths, as they say, and then reconnected again and see each other now and then.

    It may not be as simple as finding a person's sense of self when that sense of self is dependent on creating a family or measuring up to a standard that is actually... well, self-imposed to start with. Great points above and I definitely agree on being clear on a sense of self. I think where the lines get blurry is when that sense of self involves meeting standards that are self-imposed already (ie. finding a long term relationship and settling down).

    That's what I meant by hang in there and stay positive. I think there needs to be a strong combination of all the above - finding that sense of self, focusing on her own journey, asking hard questions, finding her own way, readjusting standards and being at peace. All different ways in order to get to the same point: happiness and a sense of peace, a stronger sense of self. Anyway, great conversation here.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I agree with you both believe it or not.

    But according to her other posts her anxiety is sky high when dating, sheís either overthinking after a couple of dates or convincing herself sheís ok with scraps given by men who only want to hookup. I completely agree you canít learn to swim without getting into water, to me, and obviously the OPer will have to speak for herself, to me, sheís never really been single, she went from this relationship with her boyfriend in her 20, most her 20s, to now being single, and well desperately trying not to be, that to me, is where the issue lies. Dating out of desperation and fear and hurt and to cope. I agree with the general idea that if ones goals is a family one should pursue that, I agree with the generalized advice to take seriously your pursuit of those goals, this isnít general though, we have enough info from the OPer to recognize that. She states in her original post sheís becoming fearful of dating because of how vulnerable itís making her, I donít see how, just keep going is actually paying attention to what sheís saying...

    Thatís just me though. At the end of the day she will decide whatís best and to be honest, I donít see her taking a break.To me, itís going to waste much more time and put her at risk for a toxic relationship but maybe she will get lucky, I guess time will tell.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I agree with you both believe it or not.

    But according to her other posts her anxiety is sky high when dating, sheís either overthinking after a couple of dates or convincing herself sheís ok with scraps given by men who only want to hookup. I completely agree you canít learn to swim without getting into water, to me, and obviously the OPer will have to speak for herself, to me, sheís never really been single, she went from this relationship with her boyfriend in her 20, most her 20s, to now being single, and well desperately trying not to be, that to me, is where the issue lies. Dating out of desperation and fear and hurt and to cope. I agree with the general idea that if ones goals is a family one should pursue that, I agree with the generalized advice to take seriously your pursuit of those goals, this isnít general though, we have enough info from the OPer to recognize that. She states in her original post sheís becoming fearful of dating because of how vulnerable itís making her, I donít see how, just keep going is actually paying attention to what sheís saying...

    Thatís just me though. At the end of the day she will decide whatís best and to be honest, I donít see her taking a break.To me, itís going to waste much more time and put her at risk for a toxic relationship but maybe she will get lucky, I guess time will tell.
    I agree with you that a break sure would be helpful and don't think that it should be years-long if she wants a family.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I've come to more or less accept the fact that some people do need kids and a family in order to feel complete. I have a lot of friends that feel that way or have felt that way from a young age but I didn't understand it when we were younger. Some friends, we went our separate ways for a long time before reconnecting again. Different paths, as they say, and then reconnected again and see each other now and then.

    It may not be as simple as finding a person's sense of self when that sense of self is dependent on creating a family or measuring up to a standard that is actually... well, self-imposed to start with. Great points above and I definitely agree on being clear on a sense of self. I think where the lines get blurry is when that sense of self involves meeting standards that are self-imposed already (ie. finding a long term relationship and settling down).

    That's what I meant by hang in there and stay positive. I think there needs to be a strong combination of all the above - finding that sense of self, focusing on her own journey, asking hard questions, finding her own way, readjusting standards and being at peace. All different ways in order to get to the same point: happiness and a sense of peace, a stronger sense of self. Anyway, great conversation here.
    I didn't need marriage and family for a "sense of self" -marriage and family -along with my career and academic accomplishments were my top life goals (I am not including making contributions to my community, to society, being a moral and ethical person in word and action -those are daily goals, forever goals -I'm putting those in a separate category -they are not less important than career, for sure!!). It wasn't about "feeling complete". It wasn't dependent on marriage and family either -they were life goals. I definitely felt that having a boyfriend and being "popular" when I was younger (I had the former, not the latter for the most part) was part of my sense of self -and that was when I also really cared about having someone handsome on my arm - that increased my self worth and feeling "popular". Ick. I outgrew that. I cannot stand when people feel they have to point out what they have -whether it's a child, a career, money, property in order to prove that they are worthy and that they matter. I cannot stand the whole "smug married" thing. It was thrown in my face for many years including when i was practically engaged, 40 and trying to conceive - i remember one long-married mom friend saying "so how's the crazy single life?" as if my life must be all parties and "crazy" just because I wasn't married. I told her I didn't know because we were busy trying to conceive, I was working crazy hours and more than full time and my father and my boyfriend's parents weren't well on top of it.

    Please don't assume that people who want marriage and family more than anything need those things to feel complete or to have a healthful sense of self. Some do i am sure. That's sad.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think I've assumed anything at all. Your language is a bit contradictory though, Batya. I'm referring to your last sentence: "...people who want marriage and family more than anything". That actually implies that it is part of their healthful sense of self and I really am calling a spade a spade: that it is necessary to feel complete (for some). You seem to have read into this phrase "to feel complete" a little more negatively than I intended. There was no derogatory spin on this. If that's how it came off, it was completely misread. I'm not sure why it's sad either. That's their standard of happiness and if it makes a person feel complete and supremely happy, so what? I think there's room to allow for different standards of happiness.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 08-10-2019 at 05:11 PM.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your pain and rejection, rubys.

    I don't think having a settled life with children is out of reach. You're still young!

    Do you have a tendency to date only musicians? Perhaps widen your search. Musicians travel a lot, they're away from home especially during evenings, have irregular sleep schedules and it's an impractical lifestyle for you. Steer clear of musicians. Try dating men who have more conventional professions and regular hours.

    Perhaps you're looking at all the wrong places. Great men are not found at singles bars. They're very busy with college, on the fast track with their careers, belong to various groups and organizations depending on interest (professional / sports / hobbies / travel / intellectual pursuits / excursions), volunteering in the community, at church, in ministry groups and the like.

    I know a lot of my female friends met their spouses through church, mutual friends and family. They know people and they can tell you about personality and character because they've done their homework for you.

    How do you deal with rejection? You give yourself time to heal your wounds and you'll become wiser. Be very picky and choosy and never settle just because you're afraid of being alone. It's better to be alone than lonely with the wrong man. Also, whenever you're rejected, know the relationship wasn't meant to be. You can't force two people together if they don't think alike. It won't work which you must accept and once you accept it, you take the sting out of rejection.

    Think of rejection as shopping around. You'll develop more discriminating taste. Just like when you shop for clothes. Some clothes are great for someone else and you know which clothes you don't care for just like there are people whom you don't wish to associate with due to personal preferences.

    Many times a break up or estrangement are blessings in disguise. Look at the silver lining. It didn't work out and it's time to start fresh either with soul searching or taking your time choosing the right one.

    It's not out of your reach. Remember, you need to have something attractive to offer and bring something to the table, too. You need to take great care of yourself mentally and physically. Become secure with yourself. Take care of your health, exercise, eat right and feel better about yourself due to high self esteem and self confidence. If you have a great job, concentrate on that, succeed and prosper. If you want a winner in your life, you have to be a winner, too. Birds of a feather flock together.

    I wanted everything you want and I got it because I did the above. I hailed from a lower socioeconomic background, however, I made something out of my former bleak life. I went to college, worked a full time night shift job, financially supported my widowed mother and younger siblings, transferred to day shift full time, met new people within my social circle and it was a whole new world for me. I met others who were working hard and doing the same thing I was or something similar. Suddenly, I was with those within my age bracket and had the time of my life. I was pushing through an open door. I eventually married a great man and have 2 great sons. I'm blessed as you will be, too. You have to start somewhere.

    It starts with concentrating on being the best you can be. This is how you attract men to you like bees to honey!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think I've assumed anything at all. Your language is a bit contradictory though, Batya. I'm referring to your last sentence: "...people who want marriage and family more than anything". That actually implies that it is part of their healthful sense of self and I really am calling a spade a spade: that it is necessary to feel complete (for some). You seem to have read into this phrase "to feel complete" a little more negatively than I intended. There was no derogatory spin on this. If that's how it came off, it was completely misread. I'm not sure why it's sad either. That's their standard of happiness and if it makes a person feel complete and supremely happy, so what? I think there's room to allow for different standards of happiness.
    I agree it's probably semantics. No, not necessary to feel complete as a person. More than anything as a life goal - two different things in my opinion and in my experience. I think it's sad when people get so wrapped up in marriage and family that it defines their very sense of self. Because as we know, unfortunately those things might not happen or might be taken away prematurely/not work out. And what a burden for a child to bear for example if the parent defines his sense of self as being a parent -when that child grows up and wants even more independence, etc. just consider that. I am complete without my husband or child. I was complete before they came along. I hope others feel the same so that if they too have the life goals of marriage and family it enhances their life not "completes" what was incomplete.

    I'll add this OP - and in response -when I returned to my profession after 7 years away I didn't realize how much I missed it and yes it does in a way define my sense of self - that resonates with me. I get that - so OP find things that are your own that define you -that you worked for, that belong to you and only you -that basically cannot be taken away from you and that are not dependent on another person's love for you.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would start learning how to screen out bad matches before investing in them. Otherwise, you're just repeating the same scenario over and over again hoping for a different outcome. Taking up with guys who want casual while you want a committed relationship will end the same way every time. That's not only exhausting, it's a waste of your time and it does something to your head. Have you noticed?

    One reason people use dating apps is to state up front what they are looking for and to screen out people who don't want the same things. It's less random, more goal focused, and less exhausting because you don't need to meet for full dates to screen people. Set up a bunch of quick coffee meets on your way home from work. If you get stood up, take your coffee with you. Otherwise, spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out and learning whether you have enough chemistry to warrant a full date. Rules are that neither can corner the other to ask for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

    It's important to grasp that most people are NOT our match, so it makes no sense to invest in everyone we meet or date. With millions of people in the world, each with unique vision, the odds of finding someone who's lens matches our own is a needle in the haystack thing. True simpatico is rare, and so is love. If love were not rare, what would be so special about it? So rolling with rejection means that you understand that most people will not own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value. That speaks of their limits rather than of any reflection on you.

    Head high.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok simply start dating guys who are secure, stable and make sense. Leave the rock stars and bad boys in the past.
    Originally Posted by rubys
    Iím dreading turning 30 single. I want nothing more than to settle down and have children in the next few years, but I just feel like itís out of my reach!

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