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Thread: Exhausted with dating/being single

  1. #1
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    Exhausted with dating/being single

    Iím turning 30 in a monthís time and Iím dreading turning 30 single.

    Most of my 20s I spent with the same guy. A musician whoís career got better and better over the years, which meant more time away from our home, and more time I spent alone. He loved it because he was doing what he loved, but I hated the endless nights I spent alone while he toured all over. We broke up two years ago and I was completely heart broken although I knew it was right. Within a month he was in a relationship with someone heíd met on tour.

    I gave myself some time to grieve. Moved to my parentsí place for a while before getting back on my feet.

    Since then Iíve dated quite a bit. I started really liking a guy I met only a few months after my big break up, but after a few months that all ended because he said he wanted to move away (he never did and that hurt!).

    Last winter I met a guy who was performing on tour in my city and we hit it off. It felt safe because I recognised the lifestyle of what Iíd had with my long term ex. I got in really deep with him for a few months only for that to end in the same way as my last relationship - because our lifestyles didnít work, we wanted different things. He toured for work. I didnít. I thought weíd be able to leave it on a friendly note, but the last message I had said he was in a relationship and felt it was wrong to text me back. I was really sad about that. It felt like it invalidated all the effort of getting to know eachother, to just write it off.

    When it ended i was devastated. I think the Ďbreak upí with him made me face everything Iíd hidden after breaking up with my ex. It all hit at once. I was having daily panic attacks and had to take time off work.

    I finally met a guy a month or so ago and weíd been on a few dates. I fancied him a lot. I was excited by it - after all the hurt of the precious few years I felt it was my time! But in the last week or so it has flaked away. I told him I was just looking for someone to get to know me with the same enthusiasm I have (ie. at least one date per week after three dates), and he just said it wasnít him. So Iíve left that one there.

    I feel so totally exhausted with all these knock backs. Iím a strong person with an incredible friendship group, family and job. Iím so happy in all other aspects of my life, but I just want to meet someone to call my own.

    Iím so drained by feeling like Iím not good enough for every guy I meet. It feels like every person I meet now is putting me in a vulnerable position where Iím going to get really hurt again.

    How do people deal with this rejection? I want nothing more than to settle down and have children in the next few years, but I just feel like itís out of my reach!

  2. #2
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    Dating is hard and I dated from age 14-39 (around my 39th birthday my former fiancee and I got back together and got married) - 30s were hard. What struck me -so surprising -was that you were alone/lonely when your boyfriend was touring? Why? What have you done in your life to make sure you have the option to hang out with people or do activities or do volunteer work or dance or hike or whatever so that you have a fun fulfilling life aside from your romantic relationship? My husband travels regularly and we were long distance for years even through our first year of engagement/marriage when I was pregnant - and I didn't feel lonely. Yes when I had a newborn and wasn't feeling well I sometimes felt alone/anxious but that's different.

    How I dealt with the disappointments and rejection -I doggedly kept my eyes on the (not guaranteed!) prize -for me marriage and hopefully a child - and I created a life for myself outside of my romantic relationship - I worked hard, was involved in various groups -a women's networking group, a book club, I did weekly volunteer work at a homeless shelter, I went to a gym, I met friends for lunch and dinner, I went on vacations by myself and met people like that (mostly club med resorts). It made me feel less desperate -and I never ever told myself it was "enough" of course -marriage and child were my goal - but it meant that I knew since it wasn't guaranteed I'd made a real and full life for myself. Also consider that you're going for men who attract you in the music industry (I love art, artists, huge fan and patron of the arts/worked with artists/husband has some abilities in that way) but their lifestyle might not be a good fit for you long term. Dating is exhausting and like a job too often and requires a thick skin -I get it - and if the goal is worth it to you it's all worth it,promise. All the best to you.

  3. #3
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    How is you social life? What about friends and other activities?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    The dating process can be extremely exhausting. I think Batya's advice is really good. Don't give up. Keep your eyes on the prize and stay focused on your long term goals.

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  6. #5
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    Don't continue to try to date men whose lifestyle is the same as your two exes. You seem to be attracted to musicians, but not their lifestyle. Why is that? Why try again with someone whose lifestyle is incompatible with yours?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Yes, dating can be upsetting, frustrating, etc. I know that after my first marriage ended, over more than a two and a half year, period, I had to go on dates with about 30 men, most not going beyond the first meet up, before finding my lifetime companion. Most of them were through OLD. I only found out about Meetup.com shortly before I met my husband on OLD, but would recommend Meetup.com as a less stressful route if you have any activities for singles in your age group listed on that site.

    Think about how rare and lucky you would be to meet someone, on the first try, who shares your dating style and matches you in all the major ways. You usually have to spread your net wide and date a boatload of men for that to happen.

    You wasted time dating the 2nd touring guy, since you'd already dumped the 1st one for the same issue. Think about your must-have and dealbreakers list and stick to it so you will no longer waste precious time.

    Instead of not feeling good enough, see it as that you're not compatible. I know that I released catches that didn't match me in how I liked to date. On the other hand, don't date in desperation, wanting a companion so badly that you're overlooking red flags and lowering your standards. It's also best not to project to the future when you first start dating. See it as enjoying someone's company and taking a day by day attitude without envisioning him as a future husband. He will feel that energy from you and be scared away.

    Good luck.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Hang in there. I guess I've never really made a big deal about what someone else's career or profession or lifestyle might be as long as there's no drugs, no crazy drinking/parties or stuff I can't expose around my son. I've been busy my whole life so there's really not much for me to pick about when it comes to someone else's interests and what keeps that person going. I think it's important. Maybe like the others are saying, find worthwhile things to pursue too. My husband and I now have very radically different lifestyles and schedules. We both know what to do though and it doesn't interrupt what we need to do for ourselves or for our family. Take it easy and go easy on yourself there. Why not go somewhere for your bday? Explore a place you've never been to. I think that's something I'd do.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    No, donít hang in there.

    No, donít keep going.

    No, no , no , no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Your inner self, your self esteem your self worth who you are your sense of self is slowly dying a painful death and youíre ignoring it because, Ďoh! I canít be single!í

    Look at your words you recognize each subsequent break up is making you feel more and more vulnerable. Like the pain is compounding right? Cause it is!!!! Thatís how dating to cope and rebounding works!!!! Itís logical because thatís textbook how it works, even these new guys are like your ex, you think itís a good thing because itís familiar? How could it be this close to ground zero? All you will do is try to relive your relationship and this time be successful

    You gave yourself zero time to heal, most likely because he met someone else after a month, he won something now you have to win something.

    Donít focus on anyoneís journey but your own.

    Be alone, youíve been with someone your whole dating life, figure out who you are, learn to love you, then and only then will your armor be strong enough to face dating with clear intention boundaries and goals, like I said, right now youíre finding carbon copies of your ex to make the pain stop...

  10. #9
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    I don't think she needs to stop dating in order to do this work. I think it can be done simultaneously. She will be more mindful so that she might have some false starts - a date or two with a musician type, etc but not a full blown relationship. If you take time off OP I wouldn't stop for more than a year if you're interested in the opportunity to conceive a child naturally - and get to know someone for a few years before attempting that. If you're not interested in being a parent then I don't see why you need to date/look to date now or even in a year.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Look at her posting history.

    She chases after unavailable men. Specifically musicians, like her ex.

    Sheís dating to cope. She has been for the past year so instead of healing, sheís wasted a year chasing dead ends. If she healed and spent time learning to be ok with herself and who she is, learning her boundaries, her standards, her wants and needs, she can stop wasting time.

    If Iím trying to stop smoking crack, Iím not going to unlearn unhealthy habits while still hanging around crack dens, one must unlearn bad habits, you canít do that while constantly being exposed to your trigger, thatís not how it works.

    Broken seeks broken, if you date while broken you will attract broken.Right now sheís white knuckling her way through dating, posting history, to me, potential men, who will be there when sheís healed, will walk away, leaving her dating pool nothing but other broken men. So she will keep meeting flakes and hang onto them, traveling musicians who only want hook ups and the ones who want a relationship with her may or may not want to deal with the baggage.

    Sheís worse off now than if she healed, thatís what I see.

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