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Thread: Relationship with grandparents

  1. #1
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    Relationship with grandparents

    Hi,

    I need your advice. My grandmother has been living with for four years. Quick background, I got her out from her miserable life from her children. They cannot take care of her and they prioritize their family. In addition, they are mad at me because my grandmother doesn't trust them in holding her finances.

    I have been taking care of her alone for years. And we quarrel a lot. By the way she's already 88. Compared to other elderly she still has sharp memory, smart, and still can rationalize.
    She's can still manage household tasks but I told her not to excert too much effort because I can see her fragility and she also has asthma. I believe that my grandmother is good person because she raised her 7 children all by herself. But sometimes, she has this certain attitude that her children can't stand.

    I am tired of this quarrels. I tried to fix our relationship but it keeps going again this scenario. I would certainly like to have a harmonious relationship to her.

    People are worried about me. I am already in my 30s and I still don't have a boyfriend. My world goes around in work, home, grandma, few social activities. In addition, I was the financing her plus her little pension.

    The truth, I don't care what people say I love her. Even I am in the 30s, I am not yet in a hurry to get married.

    Friends suggested me to bring them back to her kids. But my grandmother has this certain deep emotional traumatic experience that she bounced like ball, everyone tried to take care of her but if there's conflict she would be pass to another one. She even explained to me that she could not go back to her kids. I cannot bring her to the home for the aged because I am not comfortable to that.

    I am planning to hire a caregiver or a housemaid to take care of her. I would admit that I considered bringing her back but things will be very complicated. We are now far away at peace from them.

    I want to fix my relationship with my grandmother. The following factors are cause of our argument:
    1. I am tired and she ask me to stuff consecutively.
    2. I feel hurt the way she communicates with me. She has a sharp toungue.
    3. Maybe cultural and generation differences.

    I tried to understand her. To rationalize everything. But in the actual situation, it comes again.

    Emotionally, I am tired. But at the end of the day, she is my grandmother.

    Can you help me with this?

    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Usually what happens with family members and caring for another generation is a breakdown in communication and boundaries. She needs you and trusts you while you love and care for her as family. Over time it takes a toll and you both may rub each other the wrong way as boundaries start to erode and become blurry or are forgotten. A care aid or hired help will help you out even if it means every other day or several days (not every day) of the week. It will also give you time to decompress and feel less pressure to fulfill her every need. Try explaining to her that you can't do things at the same time all at once and encourage her to participate in your day to day planning. If she knows you go to the store for groceries twice a week, for example, let her know so that she can coordinate what she needs with you too. It will manage a few expectations between the both of you and create some coordination in the family.

    Do you know why she has a sharp tongue? I'm asking because you will probably know why she's a bit short with you (or everyone). She may be very keenly aware that you're annoyed with her and she might also be annoyed that she has to depend on anyone. She may also be wrestling with feelings of loss of control over her own life and too much dependency on you. Give her some of her independence back. You can do that by trusting her and including her where you can in the household management and giving her things to do or letting her pursue her interests at home also if she has hobbies.

    You can rationalize her as much as you like but if you don't include her in the conversation, it won't work. Have you tried talking with her and including her in your life? Do you know if she is in any physical pain? Ie. chronic pain? Does she have any other health issues or difficulty sleeping or moving around?

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    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Hire a caregiver as planned. Even though you can still have a relationship with your grandmother, scale back with your interactions.

    I've noticed elderly women don't exercise self-control anymore. When they were younger, they were had discretion, however, not anymore! Now that they're older, they don't care anymore; they say what they want, do what they want when they want! My MIL (mother-in-law) and mother are feisty now that they're older.

    I no longer engage in frequent contact with them nor get together often. Granted, there's still peace, respect, love and civility between us, however, I've since learned to enforce healthy boundaries with them as should you with your grandmother. There is a way to have a relationship with these cantankerous old women while maintaining a safe distance. I'm even frosty with these belligerent women. It works. You ought to try making changes by hiring a caregiver to take care of your grandmother.

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    "I was the financing her plus her little pension." This does not make sense?

    "I am tired and she ask me to stuff consecutively." I do not understand this, either?

    If you can afford for an aide to come in to give you some free time, do so. This will wear you down if you do not get some me time.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-10-2019 at 09:33 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I'm guessing English isn't your native language so it's a little difficult to understand some of what you have posted. I will take a good guess at what you are trying to say.

    So if she has only a small pension, what about contacting social services and see if you can find a government funded seniors residence for low income seniors. You will have time for yourself, but also have better quality time with her when you visit. In most senior places, they have fun activities/ and social interaction for healthy stimulation, which will make her feel better. It's definitely better than being stuck in a house just cleaning with no real social interaction with people her own age.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    If she has such a little pension, why would her children be angry at you for not letting them manage her finances?

    This doesn't make sense either.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Because they probably think she has more money than she actually has. They think money is her motivation to take care of granny.

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    Thank you for your advice. The truth is a read this already yesterday and I had no time to reply because of my busy schedule. I applied some of your tips and it works.

    Granny has an asthma. I put some limitations on her household chores to avoid accidents and to protect her health, as well.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse

    You can rationalize her as much as you like but if you don't include her in the conversation, it won't work. Have you tried talking with her and including her in your life? Do you know if she is in any physical pain? Ie. chronic pain? Does she have any other health issues or difficulty sleeping or moving around?

    Thank you for your advice. The truth is a read this already yesterday and I had no time to reply because of my busy schedule. I applied some of your tips and it works.

    Granny has an asthma. I put some limitations on her household chores to avoid accidents and to protect her health, as well.

    Ever since I was a kid she has a sharp tongue. She don't tolerate the bad acts done by her in-laws.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn

    I no longer engage in frequent contact with them nor get together often. Granted, there's still peace, respect, love and civility between us, however, I've since learned to enforce healthy boundaries with them as should you with your grandmother. There is a way to have a relationship with these cantankerous old women while maintaining a safe distance. I'm even frosty with these belligerent women. It works. You ought to try making changes by hiring a caregiver to take care of your grandmother.
    Thank you for the insight. I was thinking that a caregiver will neutralize the situation. In addition, one of my cousins reached out to me and visited granny once. She can't visit her before because granny hated them. The visit turned in a good catch up scene. I am planning to invite her again in Granny's birthday.

    My grandmother has limited social life. And I think this will help her to brighten up her days. Little by little, I am establishing her connection to my cousins.

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