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He booked a hotel room...


Elpida90

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So this is a strange situation. I moved states at the end of last year and right before I left, I went for a drink with a guy I vaguely knew from work. I had never been attracted to him but we got along really really well. We ended up spending hours together and had a great time. We kissed at the end of the evening, and I got the feeling he was really attracted to me, but for me, the next day I wondered if I would not have done that if I hadn't had a couple of drinks (since i felt no prior attraction).

 

He invited me to meet him for lunch a few days later and I couldn't make it. As I mentioned, I moved out of state. Throughout the last 8 months we've kept in touch as friends but I know he's really into me.

 

For the next week I'm home for a friend's wedding and I'm staying at my parent's house for 8 days. He suggested we meet for a dinner and I agreed, still feeling unsure. He lives a few hours drive away and after I agreed, he immediately booked his tickets and a fancy hotel room.

 

Maybe the journey warrants an overnight stay but I get the feeling that he expects something to happen. I'm not understanding why he'd shell out $150 for that otherwise.

 

Originally I agreed because I thought a catch up would be nice, but now I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't know what to do for the best. He also made a joke about some heels I wore in a social media photo and how I should wear them and "keep them on" - ick!

 

Now he's booked everything I don't know if it's best to cancel or at least go to dinner and be polite. I don't mean to be horrible, he's not ugly its just that im just not sure of my reaction. I'd ordinarily go on the date and see but I'm feeling really awkward that he expects sex.

 

I think my reaction to him making that suggestion should not be "ick" but I don't think I'd want to go on a date with any guy when i felt like he was expecting sex.

 

I should add that there is a 15 year age gap between us. Im 28 and hes 43. I feel like physical attraction is a big part of it for him whereas for me it was our common interests.

 

Since hes already paid for his hotel and train, is it unspeakable to cancel the day before? Should I go along for dinner then make my excuses?

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You agreed to meet him for dinner. He shouldn't have any expectations beyond that, and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he paid for a hotel room.

 

The comment about keeping your heels on is a huge red flag, and to be honest, really creepy.

 

I think you should go to dinner and then split.

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If you know that he likes you, and you do not reciprocate the feelings, you should cut it off. Are you doing this for an ego boost?

 

It's not an ego boost. I had a good time with him. I wanted to give it a second date to see if the attraction grew and I could get to know him better. It's also been almost a year since I last saw him.

 

It's just that I feel that his interest shows as a bit full on whereas I'm not sure yet - isn't that the whole point of dating?

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Maybe it’s just my impression, just seems you’re a bit wobbly with your boundaries. I personally wouldn’t even go with him to dinner.

 

Also, and again this is just me, you just see him as a friend, he sees you as more and is chasing you and giving you attention. You’re fresh out of a relationship and probably appreciate the ego boost and soft place to land, as creepy as he sounds... he deserves you being abundantly clear where you stand as well as not going along just for the attention. No means no. You want to be his friend, he wants more that, there’s an impasse, walk away. Completely. To not do so is selfish and can really put you at risk quite frankly. That’s my advice, leave it alone, he’s not trying to be your friend, you like the attention, but you’re playing with fire.

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He's moving too fast for the likes of you!

 

There's something creepy about him, too. :upset:

 

I wouldn't cancel dinner because that would be a prime opportunity to tell him in person that you will politely decline the hotel room and be clear with your communication and tell him that you're just acquaintances or new friends at the most. He shouldn't get his hopes up only to become disappointed by his expectations from you.

 

It's up to you, however, the 28 vs. 43 age gap will create problems later due to obvious reasons. You're a completely different removed generation from him. You're young and at the prime of your young adulthood whereas he's middle aged already. It's not easy to get along with a man so much older than you are and in some cases, one day, he'll think you're immature and he's almost a father figure already.

 

And who cares if he already paid for the hotel and train? It was his mistake to be so presumptuous in the first place. :eek:

 

It's most definitely "ick!" So gross. He wants sex and you don't even know each other well yet. Oh and another thing he's from work! Run for the hills! It will be even more awkward if you're more than acquaintances or friends with him. Steer clear of this guy. Remain professional and polite; no more no less. You need some clear boundaries with this guy.

 

That was a kinky comment about his suggestions that you should keep your heels on. Oh my what a guy! :upset:

 

And yes, you had a couple of drinks and alcohol naturally lowers your inhibitions so of course, you're relaxed and kissed. Your alcohol induced mind let your guard down and clouded your judgment.

 

Beware.

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Maybe it’s just my impression, just seems you’re a bit wobbly with your boundaries. I personally wouldn’t even go with him to dinner.

 

Also, and again this is just me, you just see him as a friend, he sees you as more and is chasing you and giving you attention. You’re fresh out of a relationship and probably appreciate the ego boost and soft place to land, as creepy as he sounds... he deserves you being abu dangly clear where you stand as well as not going along just for the attention. No means no. You want to be his friend, he wants more that, there’s an impasse, walk away. Completely.

That’s my advice.

 

I don't think that I did anything strange boundary wise.

 

It was more that after meeting just once I wanted more time to see how I felt, and meet again - rather than him immediately make sexual suggestions and my discomfort about the hotel issue.

 

I wasn't attracted to him initially, but we did have a great time together and a lot in common.

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It's not an ego boost. I had a good time with him. I wanted to give it a second date to see if the attraction grew and I could get to know him better. It's also been almost a year since I last saw him.

 

It's just that I feel that his interest shows as a bit full on whereas I'm not sure yet - isn't that the whole point of dating?

 

Your thread indicates that you do not have any attraction, and only see him as a friend. You said you talk to him due to common interests.

 

I never continue a friendship with someone who likes me, as it can be painful for the other party. I believe you would certainly know after a year if you like him, and you said you wanted to cancel the dinner. This does not indicate, in any way, that you want to date him, it is quite the opposite.

 

Sorry, this is attention seeking.

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Your thread indicates that you do not have any attraction, and only see him as a friend. You said you talk to him due to common interests.

 

I never continue a friendship with someone who likes me, as it can be painful for the other party. I believe you would certainly know after a year if you like him, and you said you wanted to cancel the dinner. This does not indicate, in any way, that you want to date him, it is quite the opposite.

 

Sorry, this is attention seeking.

 

I don't understand why you seem to find it necessary to argue when people are seeking an opinion. I explained myself and you are telling me what I feel and what I am doing.

 

I explained and won't reiterate. Yes I mentioned cancelling the dinner but as I said, it's due to his sexual remarks and the hotel. I didn't find him attractive at first but wanted to give it a chance, hence why I agreed in the first place before his comments.

 

It may have been a year, but that's a year of speaking briefly intermittently and not even living near each other or seeing each other in person. So.

 

I don't need to attention seek, as I get plenty of male attention as it is.

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Is he picking you up or are you using your own transportation?

 

And I do not recommend an Uber or Lyft. He can say 'Oh, don't take that, I can take you!!" And then drive you to his hotel because he "needs to pick something up" and then you can come in "for just one drink".

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I don't think that I did anything strange boundary wise.

 

It was more that after meeting just once I wanted more time to see how I felt, and meet again - rather than him immediately make sexual suggestions and my discomfort about the hotel issue.

 

I wasn't attracted to him initially, but we did have a great time together and a lot in common.

 

You just said in your original post you are not romantically interested him but he is interested in you, did you not? So then you are romantically interested?

 

You just said in your original post you don’t believe you would have kissed him had you not been drinking, am I misinterpreting that as well?

 

You enjoy spending time together because you’re fresh out of a relationship and he’s giving you attention. He is interested in you romantically, or sexually, he’s not doing all this for sh*ts and giggles, and a dude who wants friendship isn’t going to mention you keeping your high heels on.

 

Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200$. You are playing with fire and could potentially get yourself into an unsafe situation. Make a new friend, this is a bad idea.

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Is he picking you up or are you using your own transportation?

 

And I do not recommend an Uber or Lyft. He can say 'Oh, don't take that, I can take you!!" And then drive you to his hotel because he "needs to pick something up" and then you can come in "for just one drink".

 

Thanks. I was planning to take my own transport. He's in my city so it's quite easy for me to get there and back and I won't be dependent on him in any way.

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I apologize if I misunderstood. I thought that you did not have any feeling prior to his inappropriate comment.

 

Take your own car and make the dinner short.

 

Did you think there may have been a possibility, even with the age difference and distance?

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You just said in your original post you are not romantically interested him but he is interested in you, did you not? So then you are romantically interested?

 

You just said in your original post you don’t believe you would have kissed him had you not been drinking, am I misinterpreting that as well?

 

You enjoy spending time together because you’re fresh out of a relationship and he’s giving you attention. He is interested in you romantically, or sexually, he’s not doing all this for sh*ts and giggles, and a dude who wants friendship isn’t going to mention you keeping your high heels on.

 

Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200$. You are playing with fire and could potentially get yourself into an unsafe situation. Make a new friend, this is a bad idea.

 

As I said, initially I never saw him in that way but I was open to see on a second date as we got along so well and had a lot in common. He is not a friendzoned guy that I am stringing along for attention.

 

Looks aren't everything from my perspective so I was open to meeting again for dinner. My point was when I am not sure of my feelings, the second date should be an opportunity to see, rather than feeling uncomfortable about the hotel matter at an early stage.

 

As I said it's not that I am looking for attention straight out of a relationship. I have plenty of options, I just felt a connection with him yet wasn't sure of the physical and then felt iffy about the sexual comments.

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As I said, initially I never saw him in that way but I was open to see on a second date as we got along so well and had a lot in common. He is not a friendzoned guy that I am stringing along for attention.

 

Looks aren't everything from my perspective so I was open to meeting again for dinner. My point was when I am not sure of my feelings, the second date should be an opportunity to see, rather than feeling uncomfortable about the hotel matter at an early stage.

 

As I said it's not that I am looking for attention straight out of a relationship. I have plenty of options, I just felt a connection with him yet wasn't sure of the physical and then felt iffy about the sexual comments.

 

Understood.

 

As I said, you don’t seem to have very strong boundaries, maybe because you aren’t sure of your feelings about him. I still think this is about rebounding and the attention, but I’ll play along, he is bringing up sex after one date, he’s past let’s see if we’re interested territory, he has a goal and again at his age, I doubt he would risk scaring off a woman he wants to date after only one date by mentioning keeping your heels on.

 

I’m sorry. I think you’re being naive here, I think, you think, you have more power over this situation than you actually do.

 

I kinda think this guys trying to get lucky with a younger woman and I think if he keep poking at you, you’ll potentially feel pressured and give into something you don’t really want to do because you just got out of a relationship in June...

 

I think you’re vulnerable and deep down you know something is not quite right which is why you’re posting.

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I agree with FIO 100%.

 

And you know what? If you ever feel uncomfortable with a situation, which it sounds like you are now about this date, you do not have to do anything simply out of not wanting to look rude. I've lived by the rule : if I'm not totally comfortable with it, I don't, and it has served me well. You do not have to apologize to anyone about looking after your own self.

 

It's clear he does anticipate having sex happen.

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You sound nervous, OP. I'm reading that you're interested and curious and want to see how far you can take it and (honestly) enjoy the company of a new man but this guy makes you nervous and the implied intimacy is tripping your anxiety buttons quite a lot. If you're not sure how to handle him or any of his flirtations or feel you may get trapped or find yourself in a difficult situation you don't know how to get out of, don't go. He sounds harmless to me but that's just me. You have to listen to your own feeling on this.

 

If you're feeling like you're a bit in over your head and seriously want to cut and run, I'd cancel. He's not going to lose any sleep over you, to be honest. He's probably got others to meet in the same city and you may be overthinking this a little too much. Take it easy and enjoy a night out with your friends instead if you're not feeling good about this.

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My advice? Life is too short for this crap. You have zero obligations to him, you don't owe him a darn thing.

 

Yeah, you agreed to dinner, but so what? You're allowed to change your mind, especially if he's going to be a creep and talk to you like you're a prostitute.

 

I say, tell him you can't make it and don't bother with him again. It's a waste of your life and and a waste of his life as you're both expecting very different things.

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Well, there's other reasons for booking a room. You don't have to have sex just because there's a room and he could've booked it for other reasons. Sometimes when dates go well, people find themselves wanting to go somewhere intimate (without being sexually intimate) so they can have that one on one privacy while you chat and get to know each other.

 

You CAN'T get to know someone by solely meeting in public places. Everyone's acting their best behavior in public. You need private conversation and one on one time to really dictate if you two are compatible.

 

If he wants to get to know you during this trip, getting a room is the only option if he's not local.

 

See how the date goes... if he comes off as creepy you can always cut the night short and retreat to your own accommodations. If it goes well, why not have some non sexual one on one time? A glass of wine and a movie.

 

If he's disappointed you didn't put out, that is his problem.

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