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Thread: Do I keep going or shall I end it?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She is giving the wrong advice then IMO when it comes to this thread. This thread is about disabled people, not people who are difficult to get along with.


    No need to criticize, this is an open forum where anyone can have their say. I am sure your posts aren't always what people want to read or hear about, Seraphim but you're allowed to write what you want, just the same.

    I can too.

    Her comments were hateful and not warranted in my opinion. If you don't like your MIL's then write a post about hating your MIL's not about hating disabled people.

    It's two different issues.

  2. #42
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Well, to it was clear she is not hating on the disabled. I too gave the advice to walk away if it was not something he felt he could do.

    You can have an opinion, yes, but to continually jump all over someone and tell them theyre horrible, no .

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Sher, you're still off topic. OP said he feels like a bored caregiver instead of her boyfriend. She doesn't want to do things, she's too tired and has since worsened. OP said he can't take much more of this boring state so I suggested that he make a decision then. Better to decline tending to her now than make a commitment for caregiver duties and then quit on her later which is "heartless and cruel."

    People can still have compassion from afar. I've already gone above and beyond by racing home cooked meals, side dishes and desserts to my in-laws doorstep for many years which is not nearby btw. No one else stepped up to menu plan, grocery shop, clean, pack food and haul all of it across super long freeways. That right there is a heck of a lot of my time, labor, money, gas and wear 'n tear on my car in addition to my full time job and taking care of my own immediate family and household. Is that so "cruel and heartless?" My in-laws beg to differ. There are some relatives and friends who could've helped yet they do not.

    I've since drastically scaled back due to lack of gratitude and appreciation. Some disabled people (not all) have a sense of entitlement, take advantage of other people's goodwill and the person doing all the giving starts to feel truly taken for granted. I still help, however, I need space as do my men (husband and sons). My men did home repairs, landscaping, gardening and we all took care of errands for the in-laws.

    Sher, unfortunately, the reality here is many caregivers BURN OUT.

    My mother is slowing down yet I help her, however, not as much since my brother resides closer to her house.

    OP ~ Guy94uk wrote:

    Hi all,

    Ive been in a relationship for 1 year and 3/4s for most of it has been good, weve both been happy. Im 24 and shes 23. However she has a arthritis condition (I knew this from the start) and has developed worse over the course of us seeing each other.

    She has become more and more tired, not wanting to do things and what feels like every free second I have wanting to spend time with me but we dont really do a lot and its getting very boring. I offer suggestions of what to do whilst were around each other and it either gets shrugged off or shes too tired. I do have feelings for her and my mind says stay but I do feel that Im becoming more of a Career than a boyfriend.

    I would feel awful if I did leave her as she has lost a lot of confidence since the increase of arthritis as its been a long time since shes felt well. Nothing extreme but it is a hard day to day disease and she has said that other people in the past have left her because shes too much. I dont want to let her down like that as in the beginning we clicked so much and it was great however I just dont think I can take much more of this boring state.

    Help?

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Well, to it was clear she is not hating on the disabled. I too gave the advice to walk away if it was not something he felt he could do.

    You can have an opinion, yes, but to continually jump all over someone and tell them theyre horrible, no .
    ~Seraphim~ You're a great, very decent lady.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She's only great to you because she's agreeing with you but that doesn't make either of you correct.

    I still stand by what I said...your post was hateful and not at all needed when giving advice to OP.

    You could have made your point with far more empathy and kindness. End of.

  7. #46
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    Guys, the OP hasn't been back for a while. I don't feel any of this is helping him.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Recalling Dana and Chris Reeve, reading her book and seeing them both and then after his death, just her in interviews, she felt no anger or bitterness towards Chis after his accident, in fact the opposite, the challenges it presented tested their love, enhanced it and ultimately brought them closer.

    What you describe re your in-laws is not how it is for everyone caring for a disabled person, and to the OP, you should be aware of that too, not just the negative aspects.
    Thanks for chiming in, Kat, you've made some wonderful points. I, too have seen the same, some couples became closer.

    It certainly doesn't need to be all doom and gloom with disabled people and relationships. There really are many cases in which the couple became closer.

    It's a matter of acceptance, understanding and great love.

    I don't believe that it always turns out to be a bad thing like others have stated. In fact, I've seen many examples of happy couples where one is disabled.

    It's always good to consider all sides but to realize too, that it can work with the right people. It's not always a failure.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Sher, my posts are not hateful. Are you disabled? Is this why you're so emphatic and charged? Are you a caregiver? Do you have family and friends who are disabled, wheelchair bound, invalids, housebound, shut ins? Where is YOUR venom coming from and what is wrong with YOU?

    You have absolutely no clue how I already help the disabled and you're so far gone from the OP, Guy94uk 's original plea for help here.

    Most of us here, advised him NOT to commit to caregiver duties since he's already stated that he feels like a bored caregiver instead of her boyfriend. What part of that don't you get?

    I am plenty kind and empathetic. I bet you don't visit local nursing homes every week to give free manicures for the disabled and elderly. WELL, I DO. People such as myself help the disabled in other ways and not necessarily provide 24 / 7 disabled care around-the-clock. Is that considered "cruel and heartless," too? Apparently, in your language it is.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree Bolt, which is why I am not reading anymore replies or continuing on this thread.

    Cheers.

  11. #50
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Absolutely there are examples. My husband stays with me through two neurological disorders, arthritis ,PTSD ,Ehlers-Danlos ,IBS, Panic disorder and anxiety .

    Our son has a developmental disorder, my husband as well just a different one.

    And we are all devoted to each other . Doesnt mean everybody is meant to do that .

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