Do I keep going or shall I end it?

[Cherylyn]

This is so heartless and cruel.

No, it's not. What's heartless and cruel is being immersed into a relationship and feeling bitter and resentful AFTERWARDS. For example, getting married, having to constantly tend to a sick person and unable to have a life because of it.

What's heartless and cruel is being a burden onto others and impacting your life against your will. What's heartless and cruel is forcing others to become your primary caretaker, nursemaid, maid, butler, housekeeper, chauffeur and provide around-the-clock care. You can't have a life if you have to tend to a sickly person your whole life. I think that right there is selfish if you're the sick one and going into a relationship with caregiving expectations. I was answering the OP regardless of what my answer sounds like. I'm not going to sugar coat what caregiving is.

When someone has debilitating illness and / or serious autoimmune disorders especially as they age, it's about the caregiver having to do all the dirty work. I'll spare you the details. Usually, the caregiver is unpaid, a spouse or family member. Not everyone can afford professional caregiving which is very expensive.

I get the fact that once a person gets sick, there is a moral obligation and duty to care for the sick person such as a spouse. The OP knows this woman is sick from the very beginning of the relationship prior to signing up for a long term commitment or marriage. She will need more time-consuming, laborious care as she ages which is a fac and cannot be ignored. This OP has a choice and I'm merely telling the OP what his commitment will be if he knows what he signs up for ~ in advance. This is a heads up reality check.

It's better to be realistic and know how a sick person will greatly impact your life for decades to come. This is not a common cold nor ear infection. Certain ailments are not temporary. It's life long and gets worse with age.

It's more cruel and heartless to give up on a sick person later and walk away especially after marriage instead of HONESTLY telling a sick person that you will feel overwhelmed with caregiving duties from the get go. Look at the big picture and compare. It's better to know early than later regarding opinions and choices. Leaving relationships because it's too much work is more cruel and heartless IMHO. Better to know now than later.

[SherrySher]

You're forgetting a few things, Cheryl.

1.) Your FIL knew about her condition and he still chose to marry her. HIS choice. HIS life. The onus is on him now. And truthfully, it's none of your business. Its their marriage and no one else's.

2.) Secondly, this woman has absolutely no control over her health or her body. You say she's difficult to be around? Well geez whiz, I imagine a life debilitating disease that takes any kind of normality out of a person's life, might actually turn someone into having massive depression and upset on a constant basis.
What's your solution? Should she just off herself then? There is no cure is there? And you have NO RIGHT to judge how someone's mental state is if you've not lived it nor do you have a right to judge someone being sick like this when IT ISN'T A CHOICE!!!!!!!

You have absolutely zero empathy and I hope to god you never find yourself in this ladies position and are treated the way you are treating her or thinking about her.

Make sure you never work around disabled people. You'll be resenting them and hating on them for things they have no control over.

I, thank god there are people still in this world that understand and care and still love disabled people and still accept them and don't see it as a burden.
Not everyone sees it like you do. Not everyone views it as a prison sentence or that they are broken and a pain to deal with.

This world really would be hell if all thought the same as you do.

[Cherylyn]

You're forgetting a few things Sher.

1) I gave MIL / FIL's condition as an example of how taxing it is to be in caregiver mode. It is indeed very much my business because the entire family; that's relatives and in-laws are involved to pick up the slack. You don't have a clue of their business and how everyone has to rally together which means suddenly dropping everything and having to make the long drive to come to her relentless rescue.

2) I have every RIGHT to judge as the OP is the one who posted and asked for opinions.

Keep in mind the following by the OP:

Her conditioned has worsened. She's not getting any better. She's more tired, doesn't want to do things. OP is bored. OP feels more of a caregiver than a boyfriend. OP is the one who can't take much more of this boring state.

Yes, the disabled are a burden when those around the disabled must cater to them constantly at the expense of having a life of their own. It's extremely time-consuming and laborious; often back breaking work with a lot of heavy lifting of heavy adult bodies. It's like taking care of an adult baby all over again.

Since the OP has a choice right now, it's better to be the bearer of bad news now than commit to a long term relationship or marriage, sorely regret it and bail out later. Unfortunately, this happens when caregivers realize they're in over their heads. It's better NOT to make promises you can't keep and remain realistic.

In a perfect world, everyone will drop their lives and provide around-the-clock caregiver duties, however, people have lives such as full time jobs, young children to raise, a household to run, errands, chores, family activities and the frenetic pace of surviving day to day.

I have a cousin who married a guy with MS. She knew about his MS before they married, was quite ignorant about this serious autoimmune disorder and scoffed it off. I tried to forewarn her to no avail. She didn't listen. At first, he thrived and when he was younger with MS, life was pretty good as a married couple. Now that her husband is older, life is increasingly very, very difficult mentally and physically with the ravages of advanced MS ~ Multiple Sclerosis. She has to work full time as the sole breadwinner because he can longer bring home the bacon. He sleeps all day. She can't afford a caregiver for him because they're very expensive. There are 2 children to raise. She made her bed and now she must lie in it. I tried to tell her and now she has to live with the "I told you so" memory. She asks neighbors and friends to help yet they're very busy with their own lives. She is burning the candle at both ends and can barely keep her mental state together due to extreme stress. Where is the empathy for her?

It's better to make a decision now than set yourself up for disaster later. It's worse to commit now and then realize you're over burdened and miserable.

I could sugar coat this by saying, "Go all out, give up your life and cater to a person's caregiver needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." However, I will not because the OP has a choice and decision to make. OP will base his decisions on REALITY and will think how his decisions will impact him for many, many, many years to come.

[SherrySher]

You know what? I'm not even going to waste my time reading. I got barely a quarter ways through, saw you had written that the disabled were a burden and stopped.

You've got a very hateful heart. I pray for your mother in law.

And no, it's not your business. The only fair thing in life would be if you one day ended up in her shoes. KARMA.

[SherrySher]

Do your mother in law a favour and stay as far away from her as possible. Even if it means your husband goes and you DO NOT.

God forbid she has to deal with her disability and a person like you on top of it.

[Cherylyn]

Calm down Sher. Let the OP make his decision based upon knowing that if he remains with her, he will end up in caregiver mode. This is the gist of his post.

My MIL is fine and fortunately, her husband tends to her despite his getting up there in the years, too. They're retired, have more time, quite affluent and have the wherewithal for a very comfortable upper middle class life. The rest of us have full time day jobs, families to raise, households to run and they don't live very close to us anyway.

My brother resides closer to my retired mother so he helps her a lot. I just celebrated my mother's birthday with her yesterday. We only do what we can and as our schedules permit. Unfortunately, our time is limited due to our full time jobs.

I think it's great that other people don't mind being in full time caregiver mode. Not everyone can do it due to lack of time and resources. Whether you like it or not, you need to accept reality when it comes to around-the-clock caregiver duties.

Fortunately, the OP has the opportunity to make his decision and choice based upon her worsening condition. He's obviously not enjoying her company anymore. It would be unfair to her since he's so bored with her, feels like her caregiver instead of a boyfriend.

Don't get so emotional, Sher and think of the OP's original statements and facts here with his original post. You need to reread his original post.

[SherrySher]

Don't you dare make harsh, hateful statements regarding disabled people and then tell me to calm down when you get this kind of reaction!!

Learn to be more empathetic and if you can't be, stay away from anyone with a disability and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Not everyone has as hateful of a heart as you do.


You have no clue the suffering people go through and god willing, maybe one day you will be taught that lesson and gain some humbleness.

[Cherylyn]

I'm actually being compassionate to the disabled because I think it's worse to commit, make promises to them and then become angry and flake out later because life became too hard tending to their every need.

Don't get me wrong, Sher. I'm all for helping the disabled as long as the commitment is there in the first place. What I was getting at was since the OP has a CHOICE and DECISION to make, he has the choice to either say, "Yes, I'll commit to more caregiver duties than being in boyfriend mode," OR say, "I don't want to get in over my head and bail later when caregiving for the disabled feels overwhelming" and according to his words caregiving is "boring."

Don't distort and misconstrue what I say. I have a disabled friend. She is a lovely girl. Even her own parents had to send her off and she has to live in a rented room at a nearby house because this disabled young lady became too much for her parents to care for. Her mother can no longer do the backbreaking work of lifting her heavy adult daughter's body in and out of a bathtub. Things like that. And her disabled twin is in a facility, unfortunately and they're going broke over it.

As much as you hate reality for the person doing the caregiving, you need to look at how it impacts others. OP already stated how he feels more like a bored caregiver than her boyfriend. His words, NOT mine!

[RainyCoast]

I think I get both sides of the debate. Sort of.

I've been a carer to close family several times. I had, and have, zero resentment for them because it was 100% not what they would've chosen for themselves or me had they ever had a choice at all. I don't regret what I did for them in the slightest, and in fact only wish I could've done more, and better.

That said, man. I'm still not entirely back to being a whole person since the last time. To say that it was brutal and detrimental to me is a severe understatement. I did it for family, if not for them, for whom? If not me, who? There was a time when I wouldn't have written someone off as a partner due to them requiring extra assistance, provided it was a legitimate need rather than a vampiric personality (perhaps the MIL Cheryl describes has that personality type on top of her objectively unfavorable condition, and there is behavior that family resent, rather than resenting her actual disability). However, some time ago, I still had some capacity to assist people to a considerate degree. That's gone now, for real. One, I've been a carer to people with extreme need for assistance, in some other past personal relationships I've been a codependent caretaker, so I'm, uhh, done, and two, I occupationally assist people in multiple ways. There's no way I could assign myself as caretaker or caregiver to a partner these days. Not so much an emotional reservation I think, at least insofar as we're talking about disability without a problematic character type, just an honest statement of how much I can extend myself these days without ending up hospitalized myself, or how psychologically drained I'd get in no time. I think many people would be equally likely to exhaust themselves to extremes this way, even more so if marked codependency tendencies are present, as they often are.

While one can partner up with a healthy person who ends up needing care later on, that's certainly not the same to me as choosing someone who needs the care now, and is only going to need more as time goes on. The only way I could personality pull it off is if them or I could afford long term outsourcing.

In OP's case though, I'd urge him to leave now. There was a thread on here last time I was on that pissed me off to no end. Guy dated, married, and twice impregnated a woman whom he knew from the start had several serious conditions that rendered her a suffering ruin (one of those would've been enough to render most people the same), and here he was, twelve years later, complaining of her STILL not being a perky, energetic, functional joy. For twelve frikkin years he acted like a disabled person should've acted and functioned as if not one thing was objectively crushing her to rock bottom. Why not just date, marry, and impregnate an amputee, then complain she never goes running with you! If this is what Cheryl suggests by warning OP to realistically consider the extent to which an ill person's needs tend to grow, I totally get that. Don't be the guy who later complains she's not some other, healthy woman. In no way do I get people who chose an ill person, and then complain of not getting a healthy one. And yes, as Sherry points out, those are terribly detrimental to the disabled.




OP's concern of hurting her by leaving is a true portrayal of how clueless people can be of a disabled person's experience (at his age, I can understand). It is cruel to stay with her while resenting her condition. I guarantee she feels every bit of his disappointment (he's already resenting her for not being "exciting" - he is disappointed in how boring a disabled person's life is. Until he accepts what they've had to accept, that they won't hike, party hard, work a challenging job, energetically entertain their children or even change their clothes, no, he shouldn't be staying with her)--

and she's young enough for this to leave a lasting influence on how she feels about and deals with her condition and relates to others, and she already has previous experience that requires a change in who and how she chooses to get involved with in order to not cause herself permanent discouragement in living and relating to self or others with her condition.

If he's feeling big, perhaps volunteering to help the disabled would be a better introduction into the lives of disabled, given the number of other people assisting, gradual and moderate taking on of chores and exposure, and the chance to get an understanding of their experience without his personal needs and expectations obscuring it.

This girl will likely have a painful personal journey learning to grow despite and through her limitations. I wouldn't personally want to be the person behind her lone eventual realization the tremendous task of nourishment, encouragement, and guiltless acceptance is most likely to be best undertaken by herself and a competent, compassionate professional or two. Life has a way of sending the right partner along when one learns to do without, and certainly a way of teaching one to stand alone when they would most desire to lean on.

[Cherylyn]

RainyCoast, you are spot on!

Most people don't know what real caregiver duties entail. It's physically, backbreaking work to lift heavy bodies in and out of bed, in and out of wheelchairs, in and out of bathtubs, helping them with their personal needs such as bathroom help and a caregiver is very tied down.

I fully support those who devote their entire lives helping the disabled, invalids and the unfortunate.

However, the bottom line is the OP here and he clearly stated that he felt more of a bored caregiver than a boyfriend and has misgivings committing to long term caregiver duties for the woman. He should listen to his gut instincts because it's always right on the mark. If he's unsure, he shouldn't do it. That little voice inside him is uncertain, therefore, he needs to listen to that little voice inside him and not commit if he can't deliver.

It's more "heartless and cruel" to go against his better judgment, find out how overwhelming it is to tend to a disabled person 24 / 7 and then end up leaving her in the lurch. It's worse to make promises you'll either regret, not keep or both!