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Thread: Please help me make a decision. Your advice is so appreciated!

  1. #1
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    Please help me make a decision. Your advice is so appreciated!

    Hi,

    Firstly, thank you for taking the time to help me.

    Long story short.

    I have been with my partner and soulmate for seven years, throughout this time we have been through a lot, including his severe health issues (finally he has come through this and is healthy), general growth, a business failing (massive financial loss) and, to put it simply a lot of stress. This year we began living apart, this happened naturally as he seeked help interstate for his health issues, now he is healthy and has more clarity he has decided to move interstate back to his hometown. I adore his hometown, however I currently live about five hours away with my mum (we were saving for a property and rent is super expensive near my work) and we have been doing a long-distance relationship for most of this year (eight months).

    During our time apart, I feel as though I have grown a lot of strength and independence, particularly more clarity on what serves me, and have been honoring my truth more. I feel like for the past seven years I have made decisions based more so on what my partner wanted, at the end of the day I can only be to blame, however I thought it was all for love, and that love was the most important thing. I also realise now, that taking care of myself and my needs are equally important.

    The issue.

    We were going to buy a property interstate in his home town and I would smoothly transition my work down. I have just been promoted and finally after a few toxic workplaces have found a really good company and enjoy the people I work with. Basically I am at the highlight of my career, financially, emotionally I'm quite fulfilled in this aspect.

    However my partner is adamant he won't move back up to where I am, and where we lived previously. He is also adamant that he can't do long distance anymore. This leaves me in a predicament. To be with him and continue our relationship I will have to leave my job in the next few months and move down there. He promises we will work it all out and he isn't as focused on money etc anymore, he just wants us to be happy. However I'm so torn.. that sounds amazing, to be in love and to live simply. But I am also a realist that finding work in a smaller town is harder and that this way over going about the move isn't a smooth transition and will cause me a lot of stress.. I'm stressed just thinking about it. I have had so much stress in my life from an early age that I just want things to be smooth for a while, or as smooth and predictable as they can be. This is probably the first time I feel minimal stress.

    I miss him so much, but I also don't mind long-distance. He says work and money aren't as important as living and he will be working anyway (He works for himself and has the ability to make a lot of money in a short-time frame), he also says chasing a corporate life is just a waste of a life and he would rather put a bullet to his head than have my job. I genuinely enjoy my job, but don't know now if I should, I agree in some aspects, is sitting behind a computer really a life? It also does however provide me with money to enjoy other things in life.

    So basically, do I leave my job, security and comfort for the man I love, see it as an adventure and have faith that it will all work out.

    Or give up the person who means so much to me because I would rather settle for what feels comfortable.

    Please help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you both are?

    Iím assuming youíve expressed yourself to him as you have us: about this period of growth, personal exploration, and how satisfied you feel right now. I ask because Iím curious if you feel seen and heard by him. Doesnít mean heíll magically see everything exactly as youíd like, but I guess Iím just wondering if, beneath the logistical concerns, if thereís a part of you that feels you guys have grown apart.

    Anyhow, I think you might want to consider all this from another angle. Right now youíre framing it as new self vs old self, as in: stay on the new path or return to the old, subservient one where your man and love takes precedent over the gem that is you. But you will be in either place, so the question is: do you think there is a way to keep cultivating yourself, as youíve been, in a smaller town alongside him?

  3. #3
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    Thank you for offering a different perspective. Perhaps I am only seeing it from a fear-based angle, as for the past seven years I feel I have been through so much stress, and I don't want to loose control of the outcome of a situation. I am also currently fearful on the unknown aspects of this potential new situation. Yes I have expressed this to him, he is understanding, but also cannot do long-distance anymore, he says it hurts him too much. I am blessed that I have someone that loves me so much and wants to create a life with me, I just don't know why I am so hesitant to do it, I feel so selfish. I have always strongly believed love is what matters, and that love is the most important thing, I would feel so genuinely blessed that in this lifetime I found my soulmate, now I am hesitant to start a new life with him. I am so confused.

    As for been seen and heard by him, I sometimes feel like he is dismissive of understanding the importance of stability for me, and that I actually enjoy my work. On a more deep level also he isn't really into discussing things deeply, I recently did a intimacy challenge that asks a question every day on your relationship etc, and the idea is that you discuss it with your partner the questions are based around life and encourage deeper conversation, but he just isn't interested in things like that.

    I am 28 and he is 31.

  4. #4
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    I am curious at what percentage of your needs have been met in the 7 years you have been together? It really sounds like it has been all about him, and still is.

  5.  

  6. #5
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    "Who controls the money in a relationship?
    I know my title sounds controlling. I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account. However my partner (been together 8 years) is obsessed with money, he thinks Iím not good at saving (I disagree I think i can save but now and then I also like to live and spend money), he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I wonít have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit. I donít feel good about this. It stresses me out. I love him, but I donít love his obsession with money that has always caused underlying stress in our relationship."

    This is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Yikes! he won't even allow you to access to your own money. Stay where you are. You have sacrificed enough!

  7. #6
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    Hi Holly,

    Thanks for your reply. Hard truth, but perhaps you're right.

    However he really does give me love, he is attentive and affectionate and we have also had some memorable good times, we are both generally on the same page about a lot and have a great connection, aside from our relationship we are best friends. However yes, in a sense it has probably worked okay up until this point because a lot of our relationship has been based on his terms and majority of the compromise has come from myself. It would only seem natural if this was the case that for the first time I'm honouring my truth it didn't work out as he hasn't had to really compromise until now.

  8. #7
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    Thanks for bringing that old point up, I can clarify we now have seperate bank accounts. But yes, I think you're bringing to light that I have journeyed a lot of this relationship on his terms.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    Thanks for bringing that old point up, I can clarify we now have seperate bank accounts.
    Good. But, it still demonstrates that he does not trust you and is controlling as hell!

  10. #9
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    Yes, to a degree I guess. Hence the unwillingness to compromise I guess. I guess in a way I am questioning, well why should I move. Why can't he move here if he wants to be with me. Why is it only one way.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    Hi Holly,

    Thanks for your reply. Hard truth, but perhaps you're right.

    However he really does give me love, he is attentive and affectionate and we have also had some memorable good times, we are both generally on the same page about a lot and have a great connection, aside from our relationship we are best friends. However yes, in a sense it has probably worked okay up until this point because a lot of our relationship has been based on his terms and majority of the compromise has come from myself. It would only seem natural if this was the case that for the first time I'm honouring my truth it didn't work out as he hasn't had to really compromise until now.
    This is how your future looks. Always doing what he wants, and no compromise.

    BTW, he still isn't compromising, as you will do what he wants.

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