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Thread: Please help me make a decision. Your advice is so appreciated!

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    Basically 100% me now that I really think about it.
    How does that make you feel?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    This is all very good advice, I so appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, I'm really going to consider what you have said and not make any major decisions over the weekend. I have worked hard to become very successful at my job and am proud of what I have achieved and the work that I do, it's sad that I can't even really talk to him about it.
    Your last sentence is very telling, and sad. I think that you need to be more honest with yourself, regarding your relationship.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    How does that make you feel?
    Sad and I also have the realisation that I need to grow in this area. Why do I feel the need to compromise my own needs for others happiness, does it stem from my own deep-rooted issues etc.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Your last sentence is very telling, and sad. I think that you need to be more honest with yourself, regarding your relationship.
    Thanks for your advice Holly.

    I think I have held onto an idea and false-pretences that when he is better it will be 'like this' and 'like this'.. but I realise now that isn't the case and that realistically I do compromise a lot and I question how far the relationship would have gone if I hadn't. It's time for it to either be two-way and balanced or I guess we go our seperate ways, which at this stage seems more of a likely scenario.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    This is all very good advice, I so appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, I'm really going to consider what you have said and not make any major decisions over the weekend. I have worked hard to become very successful at my job and am proud of what I have achieved and the work that I do, it's sad that I can't even really talk to him about it.
    I'd actually mention this when you feel ready. The reason he may not be taking you or your career seriously is because you shy away too easily from sounding too proud about your career. Maybe you feel you're being conceited or narcissistic or full of yourself when you talk about your career but you shouldn't be. If the discussion warrants it, you shouldn't shy away from standing up for your career or your beliefs (whatever they are - career/financial/geographic or living situation). You don't have to be a jerk about it but you can gently and firmly remind someone that you do work hard and find inspiration in your career and would like to see where it takes you - pretty much what you said here.

    I'd resist spinning any sadness off of this and don't lament anything that you are or what the situation is. Be exactly as you are, genuinely with him as you are here as you are with your mother as you are at work. Be true to yourself. You don't really owe anyone or yourself anything else but to be absolutely true to your heart and what you believe in.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can't help but feel that part of your dilemma right now, or perhaps the heart of it, is that you are torn between two poles. I'm not talking about geography, but something deeper. One is a view of love and partnership that made perfect sense at 21, the other is a view that has come into focus at 28—as you have come into clearer focus, to yourself.

    We can berate your boyfriend as a selfish, stubborn, and controlling, but I don't think much good comes from that. He's responding to a dynamic that the two of you have built, together, over a significant period of time. You seem to want a new dynamic, having outgrown your dynamic. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's not always possible to rewrite the code with the person you wrote the first code with.

    What brings us a sense of excitement and comfort at 21 is often quite different than what we need at 28, at 30. Being liked, being adored—these things feel profound when we're young. Being seen, being heard, being an equal—these things become more profound with age: not the icing on top, but the foundation of love and partnership rather than things wrestled out of love and partnership.

    I feel for you, for your both. You have a lot of history, but rich history is not a guarantee for a rich future, nor a foundation for one. You may need more from a "soulmate" today than you did when you were just coming out of adolescence, and you may have needed this soulmate, and this chapter in your life, to recognize that. If he can't see you where you are today, and if you can't feel seen—and vise versa—you may have some very hard questions to ask.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is the guy who wanted you to deposit money in an account that he but not you has access to?

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    Sad and I also have the realisation that I need to grow in this area. Why do I feel the need to compromise my own needs for others happiness, does it stem from my own deep-rooted issues etc.
    You are codependent and believe you are personally responsible for his happiness. I presume someone important to you withheld love or made it conditional upon what you did FOR them and you've concluded that you can only be loved if you give and give and give.

    But that's not how healthy relationships should be. It should be equal give and receive.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    Yes, to a degree I guess. Hence the unwillingness to compromise I guess. I guess in a way I am questioning, well why should I move. Why can't he move here if he wants to be with me. Why is it only one way.
    I dont see why you have to be the one to give up a job you enjoy to move where he lives and he wont entertain moving where you are despite the fact he is self employed. To me that means he can take his job with him. He does sound way too controlling. Why is this all on you?

    If I was in your shoes and comfortable in my own skin, doing what I like, having "found" myself, and working in a job I like, I'd say good bye to this guy. It cant be all about him, which seems to be what he wants. The fact he once wanted your money in an account you cant touch is outrageous. I'm glad to hear you have your own account.

  11. #30
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Loanieee
    Hi Cherylyn,


    Thank you for offering your insight. I agree with you on the financial independence and it's nice to hear other opinions because I was seriously doubting if what I wanted in all of this was selfish, but for the first time in my life I feel financially secure and I have little stress. You're helping to make me realise that it's not selfish to want financial independence and it's okay to enjoy my work, despite his opinion on it all.
    Never doubt what you want is selfish because it is not. You're looking out for your own financial survival and nothing is more important than sound economics. Without steady money coming in, you cannot enjoy life. Enjoying life means everything is taken care of such as work, your job and livelihood. Financial security is always first and foremost and #1. Think logically.

    Your partner is not making sense nor thinking straight. I would never follow what he says. Never.

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