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Please help me make a decision. Your advice is so appreciated!


Loanieee

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Hi,

 

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to help me.

 

Long story short.

 

I have been with my partner and soulmate for seven years, throughout this time we have been through a lot, including his severe health issues (finally he has come through this and is healthy), general growth, a business failing (massive financial loss) and, to put it simply a lot of stress. This year we began living apart, this happened naturally as he seeked help interstate for his health issues, now he is healthy and has more clarity he has decided to move interstate back to his hometown. I adore his hometown, however I currently live about five hours away with my mum (we were saving for a property and rent is super expensive near my work) and we have been doing a long-distance relationship for most of this year (eight months).

 

During our time apart, I feel as though I have grown a lot of strength and independence, particularly more clarity on what serves me, and have been honoring my truth more. I feel like for the past seven years I have made decisions based more so on what my partner wanted, at the end of the day I can only be to blame, however I thought it was all for love, and that love was the most important thing. I also realise now, that taking care of myself and my needs are equally important.

 

The issue.

 

We were going to buy a property interstate in his home town and I would smoothly transition my work down. I have just been promoted and finally after a few toxic workplaces have found a really good company and enjoy the people I work with. Basically I am at the highlight of my career, financially, emotionally I'm quite fulfilled in this aspect.

 

However my partner is adamant he won't move back up to where I am, and where we lived previously. He is also adamant that he can't do long distance anymore. This leaves me in a predicament. To be with him and continue our relationship I will have to leave my job in the next few months and move down there. He promises we will work it all out and he isn't as focused on money etc anymore, he just wants us to be happy. However I'm so torn.. that sounds amazing, to be in love and to live simply. But I am also a realist that finding work in a smaller town is harder and that this way over going about the move isn't a smooth transition and will cause me a lot of stress.. I'm stressed just thinking about it. I have had so much stress in my life from an early age that I just want things to be smooth for a while, or as smooth and predictable as they can be. This is probably the first time I feel minimal stress.

 

I miss him so much, but I also don't mind long-distance. He says work and money aren't as important as living and he will be working anyway (He works for himself and has the ability to make a lot of money in a short-time frame), he also says chasing a corporate life is just a waste of a life and he would rather put a bullet to his head than have my job. I genuinely enjoy my job, but don't know now if I should, I agree in some aspects, is sitting behind a computer really a life? It also does however provide me with money to enjoy other things in life.

 

So basically, do I leave my job, security and comfort for the man I love, see it as an adventure and have faith that it will all work out.

 

Or give up the person who means so much to me because I would rather settle for what feels comfortable.

 

Please help.

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Can I ask how old you both are?

 

I’m assuming you’ve expressed yourself to him as you have us: about this period of growth, personal exploration, and how satisfied you feel right now. I ask because I’m curious if you feel seen and heard by him. Doesn’t mean he’ll magically see everything exactly as you’d like, but I guess I’m just wondering if, beneath the logistical concerns, if there’s a part of you that feels you guys have grown apart.

 

Anyhow, I think you might want to consider all this from another angle. Right now you’re framing it as new self vs old self, as in: stay on the new path or return to the old, subservient one where your man and love takes precedent over the gem that is you. But you will be in either place, so the question is: do you think there is a way to keep cultivating yourself, as you’ve been, in a smaller town alongside him?

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Thank you for offering a different perspective. Perhaps I am only seeing it from a fear-based angle, as for the past seven years I feel I have been through so much stress, and I don't want to loose control of the outcome of a situation. I am also currently fearful on the unknown aspects of this potential new situation. Yes I have expressed this to him, he is understanding, but also cannot do long-distance anymore, he says it hurts him too much. I am blessed that I have someone that loves me so much and wants to create a life with me, I just don't know why I am so hesitant to do it, I feel so selfish. I have always strongly believed love is what matters, and that love is the most important thing, I would feel so genuinely blessed that in this lifetime I found my soulmate, now I am hesitant to start a new life with him. I am so confused.

 

As for been seen and heard by him, I sometimes feel like he is dismissive of understanding the importance of stability for me, and that I actually enjoy my work. On a more deep level also he isn't really into discussing things deeply, I recently did a intimacy challenge that asks a question every day on your relationship etc, and the idea is that you discuss it with your partner the questions are based around life and encourage deeper conversation, but he just isn't interested in things like that.

 

I am 28 and he is 31.

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"Who controls the money in a relationship?

I know my title sounds controlling. I personally think in a long relationship finances should be equal in a shared bank account. However my partner (been together 8 years) is obsessed with money, he thinks I’m not good at saving (I disagree I think i can save but now and then I also like to live and spend money), he wants all the money kept and deposited into one account that I won’t have access too, so he can watch it grow and we can save for a house deposit. I don’t feel good about this. It stresses me out. I love him, but I don’t love his obsession with money that has always caused underlying stress in our relationship."

This is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Yikes! he won't even allow you to access to your own money. Stay where you are. You have sacrificed enough!

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Hi Holly,

 

Thanks for your reply. Hard truth, but perhaps you're right.

 

However he really does give me love, he is attentive and affectionate and we have also had some memorable good times, we are both generally on the same page about a lot and have a great connection, aside from our relationship we are best friends. However yes, in a sense it has probably worked okay up until this point because a lot of our relationship has been based on his terms and majority of the compromise has come from myself. It would only seem natural if this was the case that for the first time I'm honouring my truth it didn't work out as he hasn't had to really compromise until now.

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Hi Holly,

 

Thanks for your reply. Hard truth, but perhaps you're right.

 

However he really does give me love, he is attentive and affectionate and we have also had some memorable good times, we are both generally on the same page about a lot and have a great connection, aside from our relationship we are best friends. However yes, in a sense it has probably worked okay up until this point because a lot of our relationship has been based on his terms and majority of the compromise has come from myself. It would only seem natural if this was the case that for the first time I'm honouring my truth it didn't work out as he hasn't had to really compromise until now.

 

This is how your future looks. Always doing what he wants, and no compromise.

 

BTW, he still isn't compromising, as you will do what he wants.

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Yes and yes.

 

Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about in this aspect. I will keep you posted.

 

Funny enough, my mother (whom I'm very close with) has always stressed the same thing, I guess now I am starting to see it.. I blamed a lot of my compromising before on his health, but now I think it's just his innate nature of expecting me to compromise without question.

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I'm not you, however, if I were you, I wouldn't give up your current plum job because as you say, it will be extremely difficult to attain a great job again whether in a small town or elsewhere. Hang onto your financial independence with all your might because nothing is more secure than being able to survive on your own.

 

He promises you two will work it out. Oh sure. Talk is cheap. He doesn't focus on money problems. Yeah, people like to do a funny thing called eat and provide shelter. Let him put a bullet to his head instead of chasing after your job. At least you have job security, a steady paycheck and benefits which are PRICELESS btw. If you enjoy your job, hang on tight to your great job and yes, sitting behind a computer is a life because it pays the bills and you get to enjoy life.

 

No, don't leave your job, security and comfort for the man you love. I would never gamble on adventure and faith because with that foolhardy risk, you will lose big time.

 

Everything in life is a sacrifice. I would choose financial survival first and foremost and if your partner refuses to comprehend what economic, financial survival means, then you need to rethink if you want to be with a guy who is on a completely different wavelength than you are.

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Yes, to a degree I guess. Hence the unwillingness to compromise I guess. I guess in a way I am questioning, well why should I move. Why can't he move here if he wants to be with me. Why is it only one way.

 

Exactly. You should not budge. Isn't it time that this went both ways!

 

I think that you already knew the answer to your question.

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The negative commentary about your work and livelihood is unnecessary. Looking down on someone's profession is below the belt. To me, it sounds like he's lost respect for you or has become too comfortable with you. Both of you should speak about the options moving or not moving (the logistics) and resist the urge to deflate the importance of your respective careers or interests. It's not fair to either party and doesn't do anything to solve the issue of logistics. All it does is increase levels of resentment between the both of you. It's already causing you to question whether you can trust him as a whole.

 

It's likely that you still feel affection and love for this person so stay any major decisions for the next couple of days. Take the weekend to think about it and clear your head. You should remain financially independent and able to support yourself regardless of any decision you make. Everything else is a matter of what you can tolerate but the negative stuff about your work is not ok.

 

You should remember also that a person that cares and loves you (actually loves you) will want to see you succeed. I'm unsure whether he understands this or whether the both of you have grown apart so much that you have no idea anymore what the other person wants or needs to feel fulfilled. Either way, just remain respectful of each other and come back to this when you've thought things through.

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Hi Cherylyn,

 

 

Thank you for offering your insight. I agree with you on the financial independence and it's nice to hear other opinions because I was seriously doubting if what I wanted in all of this was selfish, but for the first time in my life I feel financially secure and I have little stress. You're helping to make me realise that it's not selfish to want financial independence and it's okay to enjoy my work, despite his opinion on it all.

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Exactly. You should not budge. Isn't it time that this went both ways!

 

I think that you already knew the answer to your question.

 

Yes, I think it's time, you're right. I guess I didn't realise how one sided it was before as I always blamed his health for me compromising so much, however now that he is healthy and I'm still saying 'how high do you want me to jump' it's time to see it for what it is. And yes I should listen to my mother.. I have always made excuses about her saying he only wants it his way. I guess she has been right this whole time.

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My ex husband didn't want me to worry about working either. That's because he wanted to be able to control where I went and what I did.

 

Try to look at the relationship objectively. Who does the larger percentage of compromising?

 

My ex husband didn't want me to worry about working either. That's because he wanted to be able to control where I went and what I did.

 

Try to look at the relationship objectively. Who does the larger percentage of compromising?

 

Basically 100% me now that I really think about it.

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The negative commentary about your work and livelihood is unnecessary. Looking down on someone's profession is below the belt. To me, it sounds like he's lost respect for you or has become too comfortable with you. Both of you should speak about the options moving or not moving (the logistics) and resist the urge to deflate the importance of your respective careers or interests. It's not fair to either party and doesn't do anything to solve the issue of logistics. All it does is increase levels of resentment between the both of you. It's already causing you to question whether you can trust him as a whole.

 

It's likely that you still feel affection and love for this person so stay any major decisions for the next couple of days. Take the weekend to think about it and clear your head. You should remain financially independent and able to support yourself regardless of any decision you make. Everything else is a matter of what you can tolerate but the negative stuff about your work is not ok.

 

You should remember also that a person that cares and loves you (actually loves you) will want to see you succeed. I'm unsure whether he understands this or whether the both of you have grown apart so much that you have no idea anymore what the other person wants or needs to feel fulfilled. Either way, just remain respectful of each other and come back to this when you've thought things through.

 

This is all very good advice, I so appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, I'm really going to consider what you have said and not make any major decisions over the weekend. I have worked hard to become very successful at my job and am proud of what I have achieved and the work that I do, it's sad that I can't even really talk to him about it.

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This is all very good advice, I so appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, I'm really going to consider what you have said and not make any major decisions over the weekend. I have worked hard to become very successful at my job and am proud of what I have achieved and the work that I do, it's sad that I can't even really talk to him about it.

 

Your last sentence is very telling, and sad. I think that you need to be more honest with yourself, regarding your relationship.

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Your last sentence is very telling, and sad. I think that you need to be more honest with yourself, regarding your relationship.

 

Thanks for your advice Holly.

 

I think I have held onto an idea and false-pretences that when he is better it will be 'like this' and 'like this'.. but I realise now that isn't the case and that realistically I do compromise a lot and I question how far the relationship would have gone if I hadn't. It's time for it to either be two-way and balanced or I guess we go our seperate ways, which at this stage seems more of a likely scenario.

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This is all very good advice, I so appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, I'm really going to consider what you have said and not make any major decisions over the weekend. I have worked hard to become very successful at my job and am proud of what I have achieved and the work that I do, it's sad that I can't even really talk to him about it.

 

I'd actually mention this when you feel ready. The reason he may not be taking you or your career seriously is because you shy away too easily from sounding too proud about your career. Maybe you feel you're being conceited or narcissistic or full of yourself when you talk about your career but you shouldn't be. If the discussion warrants it, you shouldn't shy away from standing up for your career or your beliefs (whatever they are - career/financial/geographic or living situation). You don't have to be a jerk about it but you can gently and firmly remind someone that you do work hard and find inspiration in your career and would like to see where it takes you - pretty much what you said here.

 

I'd resist spinning any sadness off of this and don't lament anything that you are or what the situation is. Be exactly as you are, genuinely with him as you are here as you are with your mother as you are at work. Be true to yourself. You don't really owe anyone or yourself anything else but to be absolutely true to your heart and what you believe in.

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