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Thread: Broke up with separated man

  1. #1
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    Broke up with separated man

    I went out for a drink with a separated guy earlier this year. I had a change of heart after our first date and told him to call me when heís divorced and done doing whatever newly divorced men do.

    He persisted.

    Initially, he agreed to friendship. That didnít last long. There was too much chemistry.

    Then he agreed to courtship with abstinence. I donít want to be able to say that I slept with a married man. Itís inconsistent with my values.

    I didnít like the fact that we only saw each other once on the weekend in 3 months. Then, his wife texted and planned on dropping one of his kids off while I was there. I had to leave to avoid a scene. I almost left altogether because I didnít sign up for this. I was trying to get him to let me go and realize that this was hurting me, but he didnít get the hint.

    Then, he forgot my birthday. After not calling for days after he said he would. So, I ended it. He initially became defensive and said that he was a busy man and a father (he was with his kids every weekend for at least a month.) I didnít argue. He is both of those things. But that didnít mean I was willing to accept not being a priority or living a secret life.

    Up until then he had been super attentive, kind and open, warm and vulnerable. We have some things in common that I know I wonít get from the vast majority in men.
    But my needs were nowhere close to being met.

    We met up a few weeks later. He surprised me and told me that I was right and that he wasnít in the right place to be in a relationship. He said he didnít want to screw it up and was looking at things from a long-term perspective. So we hugged and he asked me to stay in touch and we havenít seen each other since.

    I didnít keep in touch, as I needed space and time to sort out how I felt about seeing him again after heís divorced. It could be any day. It could be in a couple of months. Or maybe he will meet someone else and I wonít see him again.

    I do have doubts about trying it again, despite all of his good qualities. With the exception of his current status, he is a total catch and easy to talk to. Heís empathetic and makes me feel taken care of when weíre together. But I can tell that he hasnít had enough time to cut the chord with his ex. Iím not competing for a manís loyalty.
    I still have feelings for him. However, my anxiety about dating someone in his situation has gone. And in the meantime, I started dating again to move forward.

    Would you be open to someone in his shoes that came back?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    A lot of the tension and frustration seems to be with yourself and your own standards so I don't think this has to do with him and his situation as much as it has to do with you and whether you can accept him for his past. You set yourself up at the beginning by going against your "values" so I'd be careful about the idea of victimizing yourself. I'm referring to your hurting and him not getting the hint. For some reason, you're expecting someone to mop up the mess that you have allowed into your own life or help you bandage your boo boo (treat you differently just because you have a unique set of values). That's not how it's going to work in an adult relationship. You will have to take care of yourself and manage your own expectations and relationship with this man accordingly. I don't think your anxiety has gone. You're full of anxiety and I think you feel helpless and like you are still hurting. No one should have to hurt.

    My husband was married when I met him and they were separated. There were some loose ends to tie up. It got tied up. We got married. It doesn't have to be that complicated.

    Make up your mind whether you can expand your set of values to include this type of man in your life and whether you're able to build a future with him. That should come from you - that knowledge and conviction. If you don't feel he's the one and you don't feel he's worth waiting for or sticking around for, don't do it. You're perfectly entitled to walk away with no obligations. No one will think less of you in the same way that no one should think less of him. Call it even steven and a spade a spade.

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    I wouldn't date anyone separated for the shear reason that they could wake up one day and decide to get back with their wife, and I'm left out in the cold. You need someone who you can wake up one day and say LET'S GO GET MARRIED today without him being unable to do so because he's STILL MARRIED

    It sounds like based on the experiences you've had with him, you know it's not the right time in his life to do that. You don't need to be kept hanging on a string until he decides who and what he wants to do.

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    Thanks for the response Rose. But to clarify, no I didn't go against my values. My values are not to sleep with a married man. I didn't do that.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He persisted.

    He didn't care about your wishes.

    I was trying to get him to let me go and realize that this was hurting me, but he didnít get the hint.

    Didn't get the hint, or didn't care?

    You're letting your chemistry for a sexy man cloud your judgement. He has always cared more about what he wanted, and could care less about who had to make that sacrifice for him.

    No, I wouldn't take back a selfish, self-centered person. And he will contact you again. Just about every ex does. It's nothing special. Block his number now if you want to find someone worthy of you, because you need to be single when that happens.

  7. #6
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    Thanks Luvs. We're broken up with the implication that we will date again once his divorce is finalized. He said that he knows he can't be fully available while he's trying to appease his wife during the divorce process so that she won't stall it. My concern is that a piece of paper will alleviate some issues, but not all. It still takes time to disconnect from a spouse.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Belle
    Thanks for the response Rose. But to clarify, no I didn't go against my values. My values are not to sleep with a married man. I didn't do that.
    I think you're splitting hairs. You're overthinking his situation when he's already cut you loose. This is worse than sleeping with him. He's taken over your peace of mind. Do you see what happened here?

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    Thanks for the response Andrina. I do agree that he was selfish in the beginning on the points you bolded. However, when he let me go knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed, I do feel he was sincerely selfless. He didn't want to but it hurt him to see what he was putting me through. I don't see men doing things like this. Ever. He picked up some bonus man points.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Always hard to answer these questions. Iíve generally found that I am open to...what I am open to. Canít predict it. You move forward and see how you feel about what crosses your path, be it someone new or someone from your past whoís in a new place.

    Ultimately, this doesnít sound like it got particularly complicated, should the stars align at a later date. You both jumped the gun a bit, recognized that, and owned it with more grace than clumsiness.

    If another go is in the cards time will let you know. In the meantime, keep moving forward.

  11. #10
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    I guess I'm trying to reason through this ahead of time so I can move forward quickly. Also, I don't want to make a decision later based on my feelings. I'd rather do what makes sense. I made a mistake being with my last ex and I stayed out of emotion so I'm reluctant to make another big mistake.

    Agreed, we tried to handle things in as healthy and mature a way as possible. It's hard, but I think you're right. If I want to be happy I need to keep moving forward.

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