Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345
Results 41 to 45 of 45

Thread: Broke up with separated man

  1. #41
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,505
    I don't believe he was attempting to "use" you for sex. I'm not sure he was consciously "using" you at all.

    But it sure is nice when, after the person who you thought you'd be with for life rejects you (or you find out you made the wrong choice), someone else comes along who makes you feel good about yourself again.

    My husband ignored me and disregarded me. I would go to events with friends (because he "couldn't" go because he was working 70 hours a week) and it felt good when men acted like I was cool or nice or pretty. I wasn't getting that from my husband.

    So I don't think it's necessarily that he made the decision to "use" you. He just may have realized he was spending time with you for the wrong reasons. None of those reasons were that he was wanting sex.

  2. #42
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    1,019
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think it depends what your tolerance levels are and each individual's tastes (where we are at in life). You're entitled to your opinion about individuals going through a divorce but it may sound incendiary and come across as offensive not only to people who may be going through a divorce (are separated and dating) or people who have done so in their past and come out just fine, happy, well-balanced and productive in new relationships (I'm referring specifically to your post #30, last paragraph).

    In the end, people are just doing their thing. The only person that's got the chip hanging around on their shoulder is you because you seem upset and bitter and are now prone to making large generalizations about a group of people.
    You're right. I shouldn't be saying everyone/no one always or never. But many of the posts here have, so I am feeling pressured to adopt that mindset. I don't think I should have dated a separated man, however. I do not think that separated people are nefarious, morally bankrupt people for wanting to date others. I do judge those that think that it's ok to use others to rebound with when they are not in a position to participate. There's a distinction. It was my job to avoid the possibility of being a rebound. I'm not bitter about him. I think he's a good guy, despite the assumptions that some are making on here about him. I could be wrong. I only knew him a few months. But I am clearly scared that the way he treated me would continue if we dated again after his divorce.

  3. #43
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    1,019
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    But it sure is nice when, after the person who you thought you'd be with for life rejects you (or you find out you made the wrong choice), someone else comes along who makes you feel good about yourself again.

    So I don't think it's necessarily that he made the decision to "use" you. He just may have realized he was spending time with you for the wrong reasons. None of those reasons were that he was wanting sex.
    Yeah. Attention is nice when you're getting divorced or are recently divorced. I myself rebounded after my divorce. I never did again afterwards though. It prevented healing.

  4. #44
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    1,019
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I also have a best friend who started dating a woman shortly after he separated from his first wife; theyíre now married, years in, solid. Had she posted here at the start Iím sure most people would have told her sheís nuts. But she wasnít posting here because, well, they worked.

    One thing to think about: I think itís best to get involved with people where, for whatever reason, we arenít ďscaredĒ of what might happen. For instance, Iíve dated women who, upon meeting me, quickly project certain fears: namely that I may run off at any moment, since I own homes in a few cities. And that dialogue kind of becomes part of the courtshipókind of spicy, very limited. Iíd find myself almost playing off that energy, thinking of myself as the dangerous nomad rather than, you know, a dude with a life interested in a partner.

    Not saying you did that, but it does sound like you were on red alert due to his situation while still proceeding. Itís easy to build heat and connectionóchemistryófrom ďwill you hurt meĒ tension but itís rarely sustainable, rarely the road to the deeper calm of connection.
    I also know a couple that started out dating during the separation from one of my friends. They have 2 kids and have been together since. But that's not the norm.

    I hear you on the energy that goes with this. I prefer a guy that is stable and boring. If he weren't in this situation, I believe he'd be that guy. I was on red alert after the kid drop off. That felt pretty bad. I know that if we did decide to try again and there was more of that, I'd have to call it a day. Life is too short for other people's drama.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    850
    Originally Posted by Belle
    Cherylyn - If you had read my post, I am not talking about taking him back while he's separated. The question is when he's divorced. I only saw him on one weekend in 3 months. I didn't see him only once on the weekend in 3 months.

    He is a moral, decent man. I think you are jumping to conclusions based on a stereotype that any man that is separated is only looking to use women and treat them poorly. I actually know him and he's a good guy. In terms of baggage and ex and kids, at my age there are very few that don't have this. Many that don't have an ex wife and kids are emotionally unavailable and incapable of healthy relationships. So your self righteousness is unhelpful.

    If he was trying to use me, he wouldn't have been willing to take it slow and he would have moved onto the next woman to get laid. He's a good looking guy. He can get other women to sleep with.
    I think you can do better. He still has too much baggage even though he isn't divorced yet. You'll always have to compete for his time and attention because his kids will occupy his brain space not to mention his wallet. If you don't mind never being top priority because his kids take precedence, go for it. And, ok, you only saw him one weekend in 3 months. Yay!

    You just have to settle then. I thought you could afford to be picky and choosy and if you cannot, then you deal with the circumstances which are not optimal and ideal.

Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •