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Broke up with separated man


Belle

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I went out for a drink with a separated guy earlier this year. I had a change of heart after our first date and told him to call me when he’s divorced and done doing whatever newly divorced men do.

 

He persisted.

 

Initially, he agreed to friendship. That didn’t last long. There was too much chemistry.

 

Then he agreed to courtship with abstinence. I don’t want to be able to say that I slept with a married man. It’s inconsistent with my values.

 

I didn’t like the fact that we only saw each other once on the weekend in 3 months. Then, his wife texted and planned on dropping one of his kids off while I was there. I had to leave to avoid a scene. I almost left altogether because I didn’t sign up for this. I was trying to get him to let me go and realize that this was hurting me, but he didn’t get the hint.

 

Then, he forgot my birthday. After not calling for days after he said he would. So, I ended it. He initially became defensive and said that he was a busy man and a father (he was with his kids every weekend for at least a month.) I didn’t argue. He is both of those things. But that didn’t mean I was willing to accept not being a priority or living a secret life.

 

Up until then he had been super attentive, kind and open, warm and vulnerable. We have some things in common that I know I won’t get from the vast majority in men.

But my needs were nowhere close to being met.

 

We met up a few weeks later. He surprised me and told me that I was right and that he wasn’t in the right place to be in a relationship. He said he didn’t want to screw it up and was looking at things from a long-term perspective. So we hugged and he asked me to stay in touch and we haven’t seen each other since.

 

I didn’t keep in touch, as I needed space and time to sort out how I felt about seeing him again after he’s divorced. It could be any day. It could be in a couple of months. Or maybe he will meet someone else and I won’t see him again.

 

I do have doubts about trying it again, despite all of his good qualities. With the exception of his current status, he is a total catch and easy to talk to. He’s empathetic and makes me feel taken care of when we’re together. But I can tell that he hasn’t had enough time to cut the chord with his ex. I’m not competing for a man’s loyalty.

I still have feelings for him. However, my anxiety about dating someone in his situation has gone. And in the meantime, I started dating again to move forward.

 

Would you be open to someone in his shoes that came back?

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A lot of the tension and frustration seems to be with yourself and your own standards so I don't think this has to do with him and his situation as much as it has to do with you and whether you can accept him for his past. You set yourself up at the beginning by going against your "values" so I'd be careful about the idea of victimizing yourself. I'm referring to your hurting and him not getting the hint. For some reason, you're expecting someone to mop up the mess that you have allowed into your own life or help you bandage your boo boo (treat you differently just because you have a unique set of values). That's not how it's going to work in an adult relationship. You will have to take care of yourself and manage your own expectations and relationship with this man accordingly. I don't think your anxiety has gone. You're full of anxiety and I think you feel helpless and like you are still hurting. No one should have to hurt.

 

My husband was married when I met him and they were separated. There were some loose ends to tie up. It got tied up. We got married. It doesn't have to be that complicated.

 

Make up your mind whether you can expand your set of values to include this type of man in your life and whether you're able to build a future with him. That should come from you - that knowledge and conviction. If you don't feel he's the one and you don't feel he's worth waiting for or sticking around for, don't do it. You're perfectly entitled to walk away with no obligations. No one will think less of you in the same way that no one should think less of him. Call it even steven and a spade a spade.

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I wouldn't date anyone separated for the shear reason that they could wake up one day and decide to get back with their wife, and I'm left out in the cold. You need someone who you can wake up one day and say LET'S GO GET MARRIED today without him being unable to do so because he's STILL MARRIED :eek:

 

It sounds like based on the experiences you've had with him, you know it's not the right time in his life to do that. You don't need to be kept hanging on a string until he decides who and what he wants to do.

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He persisted.

 

He didn't care about your wishes.

 

I was trying to get him to let me go and realize that this was hurting me, but he didn’t get the hint.

 

Didn't get the hint, or didn't care?

 

You're letting your chemistry for a sexy man cloud your judgement. He has always cared more about what he wanted, and could care less about who had to make that sacrifice for him.

 

No, I wouldn't take back a selfish, self-centered person. And he will contact you again. Just about every ex does. It's nothing special. Block his number now if you want to find someone worthy of you, because you need to be single when that happens.

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Thanks Luvs. We're broken up with the implication that we will date again once his divorce is finalized. He said that he knows he can't be fully available while he's trying to appease his wife during the divorce process so that she won't stall it. My concern is that a piece of paper will alleviate some issues, but not all. It still takes time to disconnect from a spouse.

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Thanks for the response Rose. But to clarify, no I didn't go against my values. My values are not to sleep with a married man. I didn't do that.

 

I think you're splitting hairs. You're overthinking his situation when he's already cut you loose. This is worse than sleeping with him. He's taken over your peace of mind. Do you see what happened here?

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Thanks for the response Andrina. I do agree that he was selfish in the beginning on the points you bolded. However, when he let me go knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed, I do feel he was sincerely selfless. He didn't want to but it hurt him to see what he was putting me through. I don't see men doing things like this. Ever. He picked up some bonus man points.

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Always hard to answer these questions. I’ve generally found that I am open to...what I am open to. Can’t predict it. You move forward and see how you feel about what crosses your path, be it someone new or someone from your past who’s in a new place.

 

Ultimately, this doesn’t sound like it got particularly complicated, should the stars align at a later date. You both jumped the gun a bit, recognized that, and owned it with more grace than clumsiness.

 

If another go is in the cards time will let you know. In the meantime, keep moving forward.

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I guess I'm trying to reason through this ahead of time so I can move forward quickly. Also, I don't want to make a decision later based on my feelings. I'd rather do what makes sense. I made a mistake being with my last ex and I stayed out of emotion so I'm reluctant to make another big mistake.

 

Agreed, we tried to handle things in as healthy and mature a way as possible. It's hard, but I think you're right. If I want to be happy I need to keep moving forward.

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I can't help but feel that what you're reckoning with right now is a bit of the same thing that got you to this place: a desire to control what can't be controlled.

 

It's a bit like you decided, right from the start, that he was a bad prospect, too complicated, a challenge to your values. But then you stepped forward, and with each step it seemed you were more focused on proving your early hypothesis right (bad prospect, too complicated, not ready) than in seeing what it could be. Control, in short.

 

Now you want a controlled road map toward another chance, so you can paint what is inherently gray in shades of black or white. Control again. That's all understandable—emotional vulnerability requires a certain courage, and risk—but I think control is kind of the nemesis of connection and genuine vulnerability. Better to choose people where you're comfortable being vulnerable rather than people who make you feel vulnerable for making an iffy choice, if that makes sense.

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I guess I'm trying to reason through this ahead of time so I can move forward quickly. Also, I don't want to make a decision later based on my feelings. I'd rather do what makes sense. I made a mistake being with my last ex and I stayed out of emotion so I'm reluctant to make another big mistake.

 

Agreed, we tried to handle things in as healthy and mature a way as possible. It's hard, but I think you're right. If I want to be happy I need to keep moving forward.

 

Don't waste any time thinking about what he may or may not do, or when. If he really wants you, he will do what's needed ASAP.

 

I once dated a guy who was living with a woman when we first met. I told him I didn't date men who were married, separated, or had live-ins. We did continue to get to know each other as friends only, and once we both decided we wanted more, he immediately moved out and got his own place. After he did this it became a real relationship until his job transferred him to another state the next year. We dated long distance for a while after that, but I wasn't willing to relocate, and things eventually ended due to the distance.

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bluecastle - I think you're right. I think I am compensating feeling like he has all of the power by trying to take back control in the future decision. I think that I partially expected him to reach out by now, and it's making me insecure and think about him. Damn NC works too well. I was doing well until I hit a speed bump of withdrawal. Also, new guy poses a loyalty issue to me. If we decide to pursue anything real, I may end up conflicted because of the first guy. I'm seeing new guy this weekend.

 

I also agree that I think I made judgments early on to protect myself. I don't think he's a bad prospect, just high risk for right now. I've read a lot of threads of other women in this situation. I don't usually see happy endings. With the things that happened that were hurtful, it made it difficult to stay vulnerable. I was practicing mindfulness and just observing early on to see how I felt. But once I started to relax and not judge, just observe, the ex's visit kind of presented a wake up call. It felt really bad to have to "hide." You have given me something to work on. If we did decide later to try again, I would have to let go and open back up. And I would need to see if he still feels like I'm making an iffy choice or if I'm uncomfortable being vulnerable with him.

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Luvs - Easier said than done (thinking.) Interesting how easy it is to take someone for granted until you stop hearing from them. Then you wonder where they went.

 

Sounds like you set some great boundaries. I should have stuck to my guns but I think I recovered.

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The thing about control is that, when we cling to it and are guided by it, what we are often really hungry for is losing control. Vulnerability, short.

 

If I were to get super analytical here I would say you might, just might, like the way you feel right now more than the feeling of genuine vulnerability. There’s him, there’s a new guy with new issues—all these complications, all this drama, and all of it kind of built around a fear of your heart getting hurt.

 

But it seems like you’re choosing guys who you believe have a better chance to hurting you than not. What, do you think, is up with that?

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Why would he have to ket you go? Why couldn't you do it on your own?

 

You were never a priority, a secret, and he didn't care, why would you sign up for that again? Also, he will not be ready for a relationship for at least two years after the divorce.

 

Move on.

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Why would he have to let you go? Why couldn't you do it on your own?

 

This question popped into my head as well, and kind of gets at what I was saying above. You walk into something—something you're uncertain about, or, really, pretty certain is a bad idea—but then you put it on him to just "let me go" based on your assessment of his emotional landscape. I know your intention isn't to turn romance into a game, but that is gamesmanship, making a connection more about power (who has it, who has lost it) than two autonomous people feeling things out and seeing what's what.

 

Asking someone to "let me go" is a way of having control and losing control simultaneously. Both are illusions, and both keep you one step removed from the real thing. He's an easy mark to point at as being unavailable: still married, going through the early motions of separation and divorce, but I can't help but feel that an emotional unavailability on your part is at play here as well and that part of your frustrations are seeing that, or at least feeling it.

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No, I'd definitely would NOT be open to someone in his shoes that came back! No way!

 

I have a multitude of reasons:

 

He's still only separated and not officially divorced yet. He's off limits IMHO.

 

You only saw him ONCE on the weekend in 3 months. That's just plain crazy.

 

His wife dropped the kids off so you had to leave to avoid a scene. Tsk.

 

He forgot your birthday and didn't call for days after he said he would. Not cool.

 

I agree, he's a very busy father, his kids will always take priority over you and he simply doesn't have enough brain space for you which is a fact you must accept.

 

It's just as well that he told you he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with you. There isn't any long term joy in this arrangement.

 

I wouldn't have kept in touch with him either. Why bother? What's the point?

 

I wouldn't try again because it will get you nowhere. He's NOT a catch.

 

I'll tell you what a "catch" is: A very moral man, stellar character, humble personality, unattached, available, healthy, empathetic, w/o baggage, i.e. an ex and kids, great job and doing fantastic in life overall. Those types of guys are snatched up early!

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You were a rebound, someone to cushion his butt from the pain of divorce.

 

But in truth, you were with a married man and he and his wife still have unfinished business, especially if he was trying to hide you.

 

I suspect that in the future, once he totally is over his wife and his married life, he will look elsewhere.

 

YOu and he met at the wrong place and wrong time. It's done.

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I don't think he's a bad prospect, just high risk for right now. I've read a lot of threads of other women in this situation. I don't usually see happy endings.

 

100% true, from my experience, there are no happy endings.

 

If you get involved with a married man, a separated man or a man who is not totally done with his last relationship, you can expect nothing good to come of it.

 

It is a very simple concept, these men are not ready, not for you, not for some other woman,...no one. You will be a semi replacement for a short while, but it won't be real or anything that will last.

 

Simple solution? Stay away from men in these situations and only date those who have been single for a while.

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Would you be open to someone in his shoes that came back?

 

I wouldn't bet on him coming back.

 

Dating someone who is still married (separated or not) is bad news, and not just because of your values.

 

There's a huge rebound-window for people coming out of marriages. There are lots of stories about it on this forum.

 

That chemistry you felt? Probably rebound chemistry.

 

His rebound is probably going to last a couple of years.

 

My guess is that he already found somebody new. He used your own concerns as an out, so that he could start pursuing that other person. People don't suddenly start caring about things they don't care about.

 

Also, even if you factor the rebound out of the whole equation, these things are pretty lousy:

 

You only saw him ONCE on the weekend in 3 months. That's just plain crazy.

 

His wife dropped the kids off so you had to leave to avoid a scene. Tsk.

 

He forgot your birthday and didn't call for days after he said he would.

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Would you be open to someone in his shoes that came back?

 

No. Bad timing can never be fixed. If it's not there at the start, it will never be there.

 

By the time he is sorted you will both be two different people. Once the divorce is signed, nothing magical happens. It's just a legal document. It takes a while to adjust to a new life. Think years, not weeks. There are exceptions, there always is. More people go down in flames chasing exceptions, instead of reality.

 

You live by your values, or you don't. You can't have your cake and eat it.

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He's either still involved with his wife or on the rebound. Even after divorce, a person can be on the rebound for years. Rebound means they are not ready to fall in love yet with a new person, their emotions are still roughed up from the split/divorce.

 

You are probably the rebound woman.

 

So, I hate to tell you this, but even after divorce, he may not treat you right (he has not been treating you right). Since you met during this period of his life, there is a high chance things will be still be rough or that he would drop you out of the blue.

 

I would strongly suggest dating other men.

 

Just because a person is single or divorced does not mean they are ready for a relationship. And it's not like the Hollywood movies - you get one chance at love per-person.

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