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Thread: Broke up with separated man

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I don't think he's a bad prospect, just high risk for right now. I've read a lot of threads of other women in this situation. I don't usually see happy endings.
    100% true, from my experience, there are no happy endings.

    If you get involved with a married man, a separated man or a man who is not totally done with his last relationship, you can expect nothing good to come of it.

    It is a very simple concept, these men are not ready, not for you, not for some other woman,...no one. You will be a semi replacement for a short while, but it won't be real or anything that will last.

    Simple solution? Stay away from men in these situations and only date those who have been single for a while.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Belle
    Would you be open to someone in his shoes that came back?
    I wouldn't bet on him coming back.

    Dating someone who is still married (separated or not) is bad news, and not just because of your values.

    There's a huge rebound-window for people coming out of marriages. There are lots of stories about it on this forum.

    That chemistry you felt? Probably rebound chemistry.

    His rebound is probably going to last a couple of years.

    My guess is that he already found somebody new. He used your own concerns as an out, so that he could start pursuing that other person. People don't suddenly start caring about things they don't care about.

    Also, even if you factor the rebound out of the whole equation, these things are pretty lousy:

    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    You only saw him ONCE on the weekend in 3 months. That's just plain crazy.

    His wife dropped the kids off so you had to leave to avoid a scene. Tsk.

    He forgot your birthday and didn't call for days after he said he would.

  3. #23

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    Agree. Too much thinking about it makes it even worse. Sometimes your first urge is the right one.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Belle

    Would you be open to someone in his shoes that came back?
    No. Bad timing can never be fixed. If it's not there at the start, it will never be there.

    By the time he is sorted you will both be two different people. Once the divorce is signed, nothing magical happens. It's just a legal document. It takes a while to adjust to a new life. Think years, not weeks. There are exceptions, there always is. More people go down in flames chasing exceptions, instead of reality.

    You live by your values, or you don't. You can't have your cake and eat it.

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  6. #25
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He's either still involved with his wife or on the rebound. Even after divorce, a person can be on the rebound for years. Rebound means they are not ready to fall in love yet with a new person, their emotions are still roughed up from the split/divorce.

    You are probably the rebound woman.

    So, I hate to tell you this, but even after divorce, he may not treat you right (he has not been treating you right). Since you met during this period of his life, there is a high chance things will be still be rough or that he would drop you out of the blue.

    I would strongly suggest dating other men.

    Just because a person is single or divorced does not mean they are ready for a relationship. And it's not like the Hollywood movies - you get one chance at love per-person.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    However, when he let me go knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed, I do feel he was sincerely selfless. He didn't want to but it hurt him to see what he was putting me through. I don't see men doing things like this. Ever. He picked up some bonus man points.

    You're assuming this, I believe, naively. My take? He didn't get the sex he wanted, and on top of that, had to deal with the drama of a woman who was pressuring him for what he chose not to give. The payoff of his efforts never resulted in the outcome he desired.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Belle
    Thanks for the response Rose. But to clarify, no I didn't go against my values. My values are not to sleep with a married man. I didn't do that.
    Good for you, I see nothing wrong with your values and it's actually good to read that someone has a personal boundary in place that they didn't tear down just to date someone...as for your question: No, I wouldn't date a separated man that didn't have time to see me because he has his kids every weekend. That sounds like a still very much married man that is pretending to be separated. If that's not the case, then he's not got visitation etc ironed out with the courts and that in itself could be a problem with a relationship going forward.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    If I were to get super analytical here I would say you might, just might, like the way you feel right now more than the feeling of genuine vulnerability.

    But it seems like youíre choosing guys who you believe have a better chance to hurting you than not. What, do you think, is up with that?
    No I donít like the way this feels. If I did, I would have stayed with him til he divorced.

    I am not choosing guys that have a better chance if hurting me. Before I dated him, I met a guy who was a great catch on paper but clearly was not over his ex and they had a lot of ongoing drama. I dated another guy 2 years out of his divorce and thought he was the real deal. He had the proper boundaries with his ex but he learned nothing from their divorce. His was super selfish, clingy and had low emotional intelligence. The separated guy mostly has his act together in that he is none of those things and has learned where he made mistakes. At a different time he has a lot to offer despite his initial selfishness.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why would he have to ket you go? Why couldn't you do it on your own?

    You were never a priority, a secret, and he didn't care, why would you sign up for that again? Also, he will not be ready for a relationship for at least two years after the divorce.

    Move on.
    That's an astute question. I had rejected him a couple of times, and I was trying to figure out a way to do it without creating drama and pain. Also, I wanted to see if he would notice that the drop off event wasn't acceptable and do the right thing. It was a little bit of a test. He got teary eyed, because I don't think he anticipated the things that could happen and how they would impact me. Ultimately, I didn't wait much longer because I had had enough.

    I wasn't a priority and a secret. This could be a function of what happens during a divorce. It may not be though. At a different time, it might not be. This is what I'm grappling with. He did care, though. He was overestimating his emotional and physical availability and he recognized it.

    I don't subscribe to the idea that everyone is the same and aren't ready or are ready after 2 years post divorce. However, I do recognize that the majority of people are a mess for at least a year. He's not in the mess category.

    I think we saw each other about a dozen times. We were taking it slow.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    but then you put it on him to just "let me go" based on your assessment of his emotional landscape. I know your intention isn't to turn romance into a game, but that is gamesmanship, making a connection more about power (who has it, who has lost it) than two autonomous people feeling things out and seeing what's what.

    but I can't help but feel that an emotional unavailability on your part is at play here as well and that part of your frustrations are seeing that, or at least feeling it.
    I think that there are some assumptions here that are leading you to an odd and inaccurate conclusion. I didn't tell him to let me go. There was no game.

    I'm not emotionally unavailable. I want a healthy partner. I made a mistake in replacing my judgement with his. No one going through a divorce is in a place to have a healthy relationship with someone new. I won't make that mistake again.

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