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Thread: Broke up with separated man

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can't help but feel that what you're reckoning with right now is a bit of the same thing that got you to this place: a desire to control what can't be controlled.

    It's a bit like you decided, right from the start, that he was a bad prospect, too complicated, a challenge to your values. But then you stepped forward, and with each step it seemed you were more focused on proving your early hypothesis right (bad prospect, too complicated, not ready) than in seeing what it could be. Control, in short.

    Now you want a controlled road map toward another chance, so you can paint what is inherently gray in shades of black or white. Control again. That's all understandableóemotional vulnerability requires a certain courage, and riskóbut I think control is kind of the nemesis of connection and genuine vulnerability. Better to choose people where you're comfortable being vulnerable rather than people who make you feel vulnerable for making an iffy choice, if that makes sense.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Belle
    I guess I'm trying to reason through this ahead of time so I can move forward quickly. Also, I don't want to make a decision later based on my feelings. I'd rather do what makes sense. I made a mistake being with my last ex and I stayed out of emotion so I'm reluctant to make another big mistake.

    Agreed, we tried to handle things in as healthy and mature a way as possible. It's hard, but I think you're right. If I want to be happy I need to keep moving forward.
    Don't waste any time thinking about what he may or may not do, or when. If he really wants you, he will do what's needed ASAP.

    I once dated a guy who was living with a woman when we first met. I told him I didn't date men who were married, separated, or had live-ins. We did continue to get to know each other as friends only, and once we both decided we wanted more, he immediately moved out and got his own place. After he did this it became a real relationship until his job transferred him to another state the next year. We dated long distance for a while after that, but I wasn't willing to relocate, and things eventually ended due to the distance.

  3. #13
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    bluecastle - I think you're right. I think I am compensating feeling like he has all of the power by trying to take back control in the future decision. I think that I partially expected him to reach out by now, and it's making me insecure and think about him. Damn NC works too well. I was doing well until I hit a speed bump of withdrawal. Also, new guy poses a loyalty issue to me. If we decide to pursue anything real, I may end up conflicted because of the first guy. I'm seeing new guy this weekend.

    I also agree that I think I made judgments early on to protect myself. I don't think he's a bad prospect, just high risk for right now. I've read a lot of threads of other women in this situation. I don't usually see happy endings. With the things that happened that were hurtful, it made it difficult to stay vulnerable. I was practicing mindfulness and just observing early on to see how I felt. But once I started to relax and not judge, just observe, the ex's visit kind of presented a wake up call. It felt really bad to have to "hide." You have given me something to work on. If we did decide later to try again, I would have to let go and open back up. And I would need to see if he still feels like I'm making an iffy choice or if I'm uncomfortable being vulnerable with him.

  4. #14
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    Luvs - Easier said than done (thinking.) Interesting how easy it is to take someone for granted until you stop hearing from them. Then you wonder where they went.

    Sounds like you set some great boundaries. I should have stuck to my guns but I think I recovered.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The thing about control is that, when we cling to it and are guided by it, what we are often really hungry for is losing control. Vulnerability, short.

    If I were to get super analytical here I would say you might, just might, like the way you feel right now more than the feeling of genuine vulnerability. Thereís him, thereís a new guy with new issuesóall these complications, all this drama, and all of it kind of built around a fear of your heart getting hurt.

    But it seems like youíre choosing guys who you believe have a better chance to hurting you than not. What, do you think, is up with that?

  7. #16
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    Why would he have to ket you go? Why couldn't you do it on your own?

    You were never a priority, a secret, and he didn't care, why would you sign up for that again? Also, he will not be ready for a relationship for at least two years after the divorce.

    Move on.

  8. #17
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    How many times did you see this guy?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why would he have to let you go? Why couldn't you do it on your own?
    This question popped into my head as well, and kind of gets at what I was saying above. You walk into somethingósomething you're uncertain about, or, really, pretty certain is a bad ideaóbut then you put it on him to just "let me go" based on your assessment of his emotional landscape. I know your intention isn't to turn romance into a game, but that is gamesmanship, making a connection more about power (who has it, who has lost it) than two autonomous people feeling things out and seeing what's what.

    Asking someone to "let me go" is a way of having control and losing control simultaneously. Both are illusions, and both keep you one step removed from the real thing. He's an easy mark to point at as being unavailable: still married, going through the early motions of separation and divorce, but I can't help but feel that an emotional unavailability on your part is at play here as well and that part of your frustrations are seeing that, or at least feeling it.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, I'd definitely would NOT be open to someone in his shoes that came back! No way!

    I have a multitude of reasons:

    He's still only separated and not officially divorced yet. He's off limits IMHO.

    You only saw him ONCE on the weekend in 3 months. That's just plain crazy.

    His wife dropped the kids off so you had to leave to avoid a scene. Tsk.

    He forgot your birthday and didn't call for days after he said he would. Not cool.

    I agree, he's a very busy father, his kids will always take priority over you and he simply doesn't have enough brain space for you which is a fact you must accept.

    It's just as well that he told you he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with you. There isn't any long term joy in this arrangement.

    I wouldn't have kept in touch with him either. Why bother? What's the point?

    I wouldn't try again because it will get you nowhere. He's NOT a catch.

    I'll tell you what a "catch" is: A very moral man, stellar character, humble personality, unattached, available, healthy, empathetic, w/o baggage, i.e. an ex and kids, great job and doing fantastic in life overall. Those types of guys are snatched up early!

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You were a rebound, someone to cushion his butt from the pain of divorce.

    But in truth, you were with a married man and he and his wife still have unfinished business, especially if he was trying to hide you.

    I suspect that in the future, once he totally is over his wife and his married life, he will look elsewhere.

    YOu and he met at the wrong place and wrong time. It's done.

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