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Thread: Unsure about how i feel about my partner

  1. #1
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    Unsure about how i feel about my partner

    Dear all,

    Firstly thank you for taking the time to read my dilemma. I will try to keep it short but as detailed as possible.

    Me and my partner have been together for a little over two years now and we have lived together for just over one of those. I have children from a previous relationship and she has been good with them for the amount of time she has had a relationship with them too. They come to stay with us and she makes effort with them. There has never been any adultery in the relationship however she has turned violent to me on more than one occasion when she has been drunk but it was 6 months or so ago since the last incident.

    When we first got together everything was amazing and i felt like i couldn't live without her...now ever since we have begun living together things have changed. I was in a relationship for 10 years with my ex (i'm 30 she she is 27)and therefore have experience of whats it like to live with a partner but i am her first real serious relationship. I wasn't naive to think that when you live with someone the relationship changes and hopefully evolves into something even better.

    However since we have move in together things have changed. We no longer act in the same way towards each other as we did previously. We are not as affectionate, have less sex, we argue more and considerably less romantic. I admit i am part to blame of course but i feel like i am making the majority of effort in our relationship, say a 70/30 split and i don't feel its fair.

    Also this living together i have started to see the real person that she is rather than the person and soul who i feel in love with those two years ago. In my opinion she is lazy, negative and a bit of an attention seeker who is self centered (as horrible as it sounds). She isn't the person who i fell in love with at all and whilst she has changed throughout the relationship and as she has grown older which i understand i am not sure if i love or like the person i see every day? She admits herself that she has changed and isnt what she used to be and the woman i fell in love with isn't the same.
    Take sex for example...she has quite a wild past which i accept and she has been open about it, yet when it comes to me she very very rarely initiates sex or anything else that comes with it. However i know how different she was previously with past relationships so it gets me thinking is it me that the problem? or is it our relationship? She would also make the effort to be sweet like buy me something at the shops that i like, even complementing me doesn't happen anymore yet i still tell her she is beautiful every day!

    I am seeing her in a different light and i no longer look at her and feel about her like i used despite my heart wanting nothing more to do so. i used to feel like i couldn't live without her but lately i feel like in some way i would be better off without her and could start again...I don't see how being in a relationship with her is actually any different from being with any other woman in the world.

    When we are good its great, she is a great friend, the best partner i've had, and i know she truly does love me and i have never felt a connection like it before with anyone and we have made a life together with our house, her spending time with my kids, spending time with each others family etc.

    Am i being stupid? Is it me? or are there other people who have been in the same situation and what advice do you have?

    Any thoughts are appreciated! x

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You've only lived together for one year and been together for just over two. Even though you prefaced your issue with your girlfriend with the idea that you've lived and been with someone (your ex) for ten years, I think you're living with the idea now that you have more at stake and as if you deserve more. Even though you don't intend to come across that way, you are: I think your views about relationships are a bit misguided and unrealistic. I'm being very honest with you. If you've got one foot out the door, think very carefully whether you're acting out on impulse. Every long term relationship will hit low points and a lull every now and then. If what you're seeking is a perma-high and constant inspiration and awe, you're in for a very rude awakening and you'll continue to ask yourself why you can't find the right woman after a series of shorter term relationships. Low points will often mean that you'll see your partner for what a slob he/she is, how that person fails to measure up on some days, why certain messes are bigger than others, you'll feel taken forgranted every now and then, and you'll wonder if you're the only person feeling the way you do. Yes, this is all part of a long term relationship or marriage or live in situation or whatever you want to call it.

    My advice is to have a good chat with your SO and talk about the things that are hurting you. You should be framing it in such a way so that she doesn't have her back up against the wall and feel ambushed by you. She may be hurt after realizing you've had these misgivings for awhile. Make room for that. She may be upset with you and fling some things at you also. Resist the urge to retaliate, no raising voices and no passive aggressive comments. Tell her you miss certain aspects of her. It's not enough to dream up of old times and do nothing about it while feeling sad it's not there. Long term relationships take work. If you are reminiscing and missing old times, share that with her.

    Why did your previous relationship end with your ex? Do you mind me asking?

    Also, what do you mean by violent when she was drunk? This is not acceptable especially with children in the house and you should not feel like she is volatile when she's drinking or prone to violence.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 08-08-2019 at 06:45 PM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Being honest, this doesn't sound great.

    Reading a bit between the lines, here's what I see: When you first met she was so very exciting because she was a bit wild, a bit immature, but showered you in love, affection. Potent drugs that produced a potent high. But alas: now the very qualities that helped produce those highs—lack of direction, need for attention—aren't sitting so well.

    In other words, it isn't the story of her changing into someone different than the person you fell in love with. It's that what you fell in love was not the person but the high, and now you're learning what a lot of people who take drugs learn: the limitations of drug use.

    I mean, I'm sure she's got loads of great qualities. But, um, she is also getting drunk and attacking you on more than one occasion? As someone with two children, I have to say I struggle to understand how that wasn't an immediate deal-breaker or how someone who exhibits that behavior can also be labeled the best partner you've ever had.

    At any rate, here you are: sharing a home, resentments and doubts building. Best way to stave off resentments and doubts is through communication. Have you tried to talk to her about how you feel?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you recently met someone at work? Has the grass started looking greener after the tedium of living together set in? How were things with your ex? Did this also happen there? Did you meet your current gf soon after the divorce? How are things with her now regarding the kids?

    Unfortunately after living together the truth of your incompatibilities came out. Is it her house or your house? You''ll have to have a long talk and move out ask her to move. If you really want to fix this, set up some sessions with a couples counselor. But consider that her drinking and violence is a big problem for you and especially your kids. Do you drink with her? How much drinking/fighting is going on?

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Dating and living together or being married are two entirely separate lifestyles. Dating is fun, dates are clean, groomed, you're having a grand time, dining out, going out for entertainment and enjoying yourselves. Dating is wonderful.

    Living together is real life. It's the disheveled look, wearing house rags, doing the mundane such as chores, tasks, paying bills, errands, cooking, cleaning, watching TV, surfing the Net, day in, day out. There is no "excitement" with routine. Then when you add kids into the mix, it's stressful and feels like heavy responsibilities around-the-clock everyday. Drudgery sets in.

    Perhaps you grew bored with her. She doesn't excite you anymore. Why don't you talk to her about all of your concerns and let her know how you feel instead of posting here? You need to show her the post you wrote so both of you can repair your relationship. Go on date nights to reignite that spark between you two.

    No, you're not being stupid, however, I doubt you're her Prince Charming and perhaps you can work on yourself to improve for her, too. There are two sides to every story so you need to look at the relationship from her angle of complaints. Listen to her and hopefully both of you can be selfless and improve your relationship greatly. It takes two to tango.

  7. #6
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    Thanks to all that replied i appreciate your comments and thoughts greatly.

    Answers to questions are: we rent the house together, the violent outbursts happened when the children were not there and it was me and her. i don't drink and have never been violent or aggressive towards her. Me and my ex split up as we just grew apart and didn't love each other any more after 10 years together.

    I agree with the majority of the points raised. Before when we were not living together it was all fun, we had freedom we could go out and do what we wanted with not a care in the world. Now obviously its about the routine and doing the mundane things we all have to deal with. Having lived with my ex for 4 years previously and having the kids involved I am used to it so it didn't come as too much of a shock like it probably did for her.

    I agree i need to communicate with her and i have raised my concerns with her and spoke about how I feel its just doesn't seem to be getting any better. She admits herself she takes me for granted and i can do better than her but she does little to actually act on it and match the effort i put into the relationship, whether its affection, gifts, dates, chores etc.

    My biggest concern is exactly what has been mentioned, have i fallen for the feeling and the life as appose to her as a person? and the fact she tells me she loves me, talks about marriage, kids etc in the future but does little to show me how she feels. I admit 100% i am not perfect and there are things I can work on too which i am obviously willing to try

  8. #7
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    I doubt she has changed. Once you get past the honeymoon phase people reveal their true self. Sometimes the revelation doesn't go so well. At this point it's kind of a moot point. She is what she is.

    At this perch, it seems this relationship is past it's best before date. I can see things getting worse, that is the trendline. I can't see things getting better. The reality is staring you in the face, your call.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by alwaysme30
    She admits herself she takes me for granted and i can do better than her but she does little to actually act on it and match the effort i put into the relationship, whether its affection, gifts, dates, chores etc.
    That is all you need to know.

  10. #9
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    i think a bit of rose tinted glasses here and no doubt she would disagree that i make more effort at present and it would be my fault or she made more effort in the early stages or something like that

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I have to ask about the overall effect that this relationship is having on you. Is it you as in is this your personality overall (not a very interesting person) or does this person bring out this type of lukewarm-ness out of you? We can't and shouldn't be depending on our partners to spark us and I really can't tell whether you're incapable of motivating yourself or whether you have your own personality or whether both of you don't have much of a personality and don't demand much out of each other.

    I'd say have that chat with her, be honest about it, don't mince about it but also try not to hurt each other. You shouldn't have to sidestep major issues or any grievances or things that you've been hurt about. You mentioned that you spoke with her but she's not listening to you. Did you specifically tell her what you needs are and why you feel so bad about all this? I feel like this relationship is turning both of you into less and less of yourselves and that's not a good sign. One or both of you has already checked out or both are in the process of checking out emotionally.

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