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Is there any fixing this mess?


aydenkk90

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Ok so her family was treating both of us like crap. They are abusive people. They ignored her on her birthday and they didn't go to her graduation. They stopped talking to her. The mom slaps her.... Her parents got a divorce because once her mom slapped her and the father slapped the mom… etc.

 

Before all of this, we were keeping a long-distance thing going pretty well. I flew three times to stay with her family and we all got along very well in person. She flew a few times for me as well. But then they started treating me like they were treating her and I did stupid things because I didn’t know how to handle it. They called me fat, lazy, perverted, desperate, fake religious… etc. After a lot of abuse, I snapped and sent the mom an "anonymous" message from a Brazilian number so she would think it was from someone else. Of course, they knew it was me. It was so stupid and I regret it so much. The girl broke up with me after 2 years. We were apart for 7 months and I went crazy after the breakup with going in her accounts and sending emails. I miss her so much. I know I changed and learned a lot as I calmed down, but she blocked me on everything. I also sent her family a few apology letters, but they ignore them. A few days ago her brother threatened to beat me up if I didn’t stop sending letters.

 

Is there any fixing this? I am afraid that I can change and change and change, but there won't be any hope. I really love this girl.

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I'd look into some help (therapy or speaking to someone or alternatively, asking yourself some tough questions). You might want to start with why you feel the need to incorporate this person into your life considering the amount of strife and grief that it has brought the both of you (the larger picture). It's been seven months and you're still locked into the mind frame that you want to get her back. This is not a healthy mindset.

 

I'm not completely convinced that you've calmed down at all because your language framing her parents and her household is designed to spark emotion in the reader and your language is not neutral.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to 'fix' anything. Try looking into therapy or some kind of help unpacking why you feel the need to burden yourself or this other person and her family by continuing a relationship when it wasn't good to start with. Acknowledge your mistakes and learn to move past them. You should respect the wishes of others to move on also and at least try not to be willful or disrespectful disregarding the wishes of others. They don't want you around.

 

If you are dealing with strong feelings of rejection and feeling upset, this is not unusual. The answer however shouldn't be to force your way in or to try to 'fix' anything. Process your hurt and your feelings of rejection but don't make any moves at this point. I don't think you are in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship right now.

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can I keep any hope in my mind? Thats the only thing that gives me any relief.

 

Keeping hope up is the very thing that is hurting you. It's leading you to make poor choices and reach out to people who have asked you to stop.

 

It's time to wrap your head around letting go and moving on. It's not easy but it's the only road to get to the relief you are needing right now.

 

Begin by giving up on ideas and ways to get through to her.

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I cracked after a lot of abuse. I know I made terrible mistakes.

 

You need to quit while you're ahead. Right now you are coming off as very clingy, desperate, and needy. Do you think those are the characteristics she is looking for in a partner? You need to stop all contact and get some professional help. You do not want her and her family getting a restraining order against you because you just can't stop.

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No, I'm sorry, you can't fix this. There is no hope. Don't love this girl anymore because there is no future with her.

 

Even though you messed up with the "anonymous" message, hounding her relentlessly and postal mailing her family letters, none of them were right for you either.

 

Remember, they called you fat, lazy, perverted, desperate, fake religious, etc. Anyone who is capable of that level of meanness is never to be trusted ever again. It's over and good riddance!

 

You really need to move on with you life and learn to choose the right lady in the future. Avoid abusive, toxic, dysfunctional, mentally ill people like the plague!

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No, this is a done deal. The problem with taking a pot shot at a family member, most especially the mother, is that as abusive as a family might be, they're all jerks together. An outside person insulting any one of them makes them unite more strongly with one another in a giant grudge against that person.

 

So even if ex GF feels an occasional pang toward wanting you back, she knows that her family would likely disown her for that. She knows that your relationship would only crumble under that kind of pressure, because her whole support system would be gone, and over time she'd come to resent you for that and eventually go back to them.

 

The only way that this ex can ever jump the family ship for you is if the idea comes internally and completely from her. Any contact from you will only prompt her to dig in her heels even harder against you, so I'd quit the idea of trying to convince her of anything. That's a lose/lose, so I'd move my focus forward and beyond this valuable life lesson so that you can build a fabulous life for yourself.

 

We all make mistakes, but we each get to choose whether they'll teach us resilience or whether we'll use them to harm ourselves as we drill a deeper hole to climb out of. I'd lose the spin and opt to become my own best friend, instead.

 

Head high.

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There is no hope here, man.

 

The family doesn't like you. Warranted or not, they don't want you in her life and they are not going to accept you. She is unlikely to go against them.

 

Your behavior after the break-up was incredibly inappropriate and troubling. That is what will keep her away for good. Please, use this as a turning point and seek some professional help for yourself. Your coping mechanisms are destructive and will create similar problems in future relationships if you don't address them now.

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I know. My mind just couldn't take losing her to such stupidity.

 

You're acknowledging your mistakes.. that's the first step. There are plenty of women out there and plenty of people to meet and experiences to experience. Don't stay stuck in this vortex! I still think some more time on your own would help before entering another relationship but there's a lot to enjoy and live past all this. Dare yourself to live better, more freely, without all this hanging over you like a dark cloud. It's time to start over.

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I did learn. I did learn. Its 7 months later and I can't even sit with my family and enjoy them without the depression kicking in. I can't enjoy friends without these thoughts filling my mind. I can't believe I ruined the relationship in a way that there is no turning back- especially given how much I love her. Then I made it worse and worse. Im afraid I won't have a love like that again. I should have been stronger during the bad times.

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I did learn. I did learn. Its 7 months later and I can't even sit with my family and enjoy them without the depression kicking in. I can't enjoy friends without these thoughts filling my mind. I can't believe I ruined the relationship in a way that there is no turning back- especially given how much I love her. Then I made it worse and worse. Im afraid I won't have a love like that again. I should have been stronger during the bad times.

 

You didn't learn if you keep contacting her family. When its over, its over. you must accept that.

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I know. My mind just couldn't take losing her to such stupidity.

 

Naaah, that's not a profitable view of this, and it only works against yourself. What you lost was your fantasy 'about' someone. You cut that short by rebelling against the same mistreatment that would have stayed with you for the duration until you couldn't stand it anymore. So the ex only showed you that she'd side against you, no matter how badly her peeps mistreated you, and that's not exactly a sustainable relationship that could have gone anywhere.

 

You've suffered dis-illusion-ment, but that's something you'll want to learn how to uncover early rather than invest in fantasies. This girl came with a lousy package. You learned that and got away from it. I'd credit myself for that rather than make myself miserable about it.

 

When choosing between a perspective that works for you or against you, choose to be on your own side, and this will teach you resilience. It doesn't mean that you can't take good lessons from mistakes, it just means that you get to decide how much you'll want to harm yourself in the process. Holding onto faulty fantasies is self harm. Skip that, and move your focus forward with confidence that you'll screen out dealbreakers earlier in the future.

 

Head high.

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You made mistakes and it's good to own up to those mistakes man. But come on - what was the reason for those mistakes? You couldn't handle her family, they were awful to you, and your ex ended up siding with them. She may have sided with them because of your actions, but she was already predisposed of siding with them. You need to separate "I made bad choices" from "we are not together because of my bad choices". Because those two things don't necessarily go together. If you had made better choices, do you think you would still be together? The situation wasn't going to be fixed. Her family is the way they are.

 

Your mistake was trying to assert control over a problem that was out of your control. Your problem now is STILL attempting to assert control over a problem that's not in your control.

 

Stop trying to control other people, take a step back, and start focusing on how to control your own life. Learn to let it go. It will take time, but is the most beneficial thing you can possibly do for yourself.

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