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Thread: Told a girl the truth.

  1. #1
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    Told a girl the truth.

    So I met this girl. We went out twice and had sex both times and over the last 3 weeks talked on the phone a lot and texted a lot. While I wasnít extremely attracted to her she was pretty and I enjoyed her personality. Iím open to a relationship but atm in my life I donít want/need one. The last time I hung out with her I wasnít feeling it, like I didnít even wanna have sex with her I just wanted to go home. I feel like if Iím already feeling this way then Itís definitely not gonna work.

    Iím working on getting my life together and just enjoying casual hookups. Iíve had a lot more success in dating lately and just enjoying being single and discovering new things about myself.

    So today I told her the truth.

    óďI am afraid of being in a relationship. I donít really want a relationship. I feel pressured because I donít feel like Iím in a place in my life that i can make someone happy. Iím horrible at keeping small talk away from someone. Iím afraid of being tied down because I havenít actually havenít ever been single without being in that get over someone stage. I feel like for the first time in my life I am free and happy being myself. Of course I donít fret away from the idea of being with someone I like or could possibly see myself with. When I feel pressured from someone I get distant because I feel like Iím not living up to someoneís expectations and I donít want to disappoint or hurt someoneís feelings because I know how it felt for me when someone didnít want to be with me.

    I am not saying you did any of these things but I do feel like Iím not gonna make you happy or that we are on the same page on some things. I like you and spending time with you. The fact that you live kinda far away is starting to get to me a bit. Like driving there on my days off possibly every time I off work will get old to me.

    All of this feels like itís my own personal issues that are causing issues and not you. The fact that Iím trying to figure out my life plays such a huge role in how I feel about relationships. Iím more worried on myself becoming a better man that I donít feel like I can make someone else happy.

    I do like you and I like spending time with you. Maybe Iím repeating a lot of what I said that we already discussed. Im very guilty of once something gets in my head itís hard to get out.

    Clearly Iím not ready for a relationship by thinking this way.

    Iím afraid of leading you on because I donít know what I want. I donít wanna talk to you and I feel bad because of it. Iím at the point where I feel like I need to break this off because of the pressure that I feel.

    Idk how to handle how I feel about this. Forgive me for being so confused itís me and in my head. Not you.Ē ó

    Thatís what I told her. It was very hard for me to be honest about it. Idk why but I Felt the need to be honest with her. I felt so much pressure because it began to feel more like a relationship and it was kinda freaking me out.

    Iím second guessing myself now and I feel so guilty. I think it was the right thing to do. But now I feel like Iím making a mistake even tho I know it wonít work out. It seems girls like me when they wanna settle down. Idk what about me makes girls wanna do that.

    I feel so guilty and I feel like I made a mistake even tho I know what I said is real and the truth. Sorta feeling like I was the one dumped. I love talking to her and hanging out with her without sex. Itís so weird because I do like her but at the same time I donít see anything with her.

    I always imagine that with the right person that it should just be easy and I wonít have to feel this way or have conversations about if we are on the same page about where things are going. A big part of me just doesnít wanna settle for anything less than what I want. Because my last relationship was built like this on doubts and stuff.

    Was this the right thing? Am I right to feel this way?
    Sorry for spelling/grammar errors.

  2. #2
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    I think you did the right thing! Thereís no harm in being true to yourself. You are right about not settling for anything less but keep your expectations real. Youíre doing the right thing by trusting your feelings. Sure it sucks to let someone down but if anything she can now move forward.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    After only two dates, that's a whole lot of explaining. It's also overly dramatic.

    Just tell her you're not feeling it and wish her a good life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The right thing to do is be up front before you even go on a single date that you are only looking for casual dating or a casual hook up. Like spell it out. Women think you are serious relationship material because that's how you present yourself, so stop it and be honest. There are plenty of women who are also not looking to be serious and you need to find those.

    As for this situation....I mean it was a lot of word vomit, but at least you ended things early enough. Don't treat your dates like a therapy session and if you need to end things, try to be less cray cray and more succinct, aka less word vomit. Don't confuse early sex with a relationship.

    Anyway, it seems overall that maybe you need to take a time out from dating and get your head screwed on straight. Will save you a whole lot of drama.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Deep breaths, friend. You're right to feel however you feel, and whatever you feel, at any given moment. Including this one. How we handle those feelings, how we express themówell, that's the forever work.

    What I see here, just being honest, is a lot of complicated and dramatic words to express something simple: sorry, you're great, but I'm not feeling you the way I need to feel you. Which you are allowed to say without being The Worst Man On The Planet. In fact, learning to just say that is a step toward becoming an ever better man.

    In other words, I think you feel (a) a little bad for simply not feeling her and (b) a little bad for not just being straight about that. You used an inflated idea of your damage to mask the hard, human fact that you're just not vibing as you ned to vibe.

    The subtext of your note, basically, is that if you weren't a bit of a mess right nowóthe personal issues, the figuring out life stuff, and so onóthen you'd be ready for her, you guys would be perfect, and so on. But let's be really honest: that's not true. The truth is simpler. The truth is that you're just not feeling it, and if you were feeling it a bit more you wouldn't be writing that dissertation. You'd just be hanging, enjoying her, taking each other's clothes off, and so on. The truth is that you're totally open for that right now, with the right person. She, alas, is not that person for you.

    In the future, you don't need to treat people like therapistsóand if dating feels that way right now, it might be best to chill with dating. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that, sorry, you're not feeling it. End scene. That is honestly and respectórespect for yourself, for the truth, and respect for them, a person who can handle the truth.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The right thing to do is be up front before you even go on a single date that you are only looking for casual dating or a casual hook up. Like spell it out. Women think you are serious relationship material because that's how you present yourself, so stop it and be honest. There are plenty of women who are also not looking to be serious and you need to find those.

    As for this situation....I mean it was a lot of word vomit, but at least you ended things early enough. Don't treat your dates like a therapy session and if you need to end things, try to be less cray cray and more succinct, aka less word vomit. Don't confuse early sex with a relationship.

    Anyway, it seems overall that maybe you need to take a time out from dating and get your head screwed on straight. Will save you a whole lot of drama.
    I sent it because she was acting very attached making plans for us on our days off, saying how much she missed me, telling me she likes me so much that sheís not talking to anyone else, calling me every night, I told her that I didnít know what I wanted bc sheíd ask me if I saw me and her going somewhere.

    I do like her but she lives 90 miles away and I work outta of town 5 days a week. I do wanna see other people casually but she wants to plan whole days together and nights. I want to see my friends and do all the single things Iíve gotten use to doing.

    Me sending that text was me showing I cared because I know how much it sucks being rejected. Her expectations put so much pressure on me if turned me off.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Ultimately, I think you did the right thing.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Austino96
    I sent it because she was acting very attached making plans for us on our days off, saying how much she missed me, telling me she likes me so much that sheís not talking to anyone else, calling me every night, I told her that I didnít know what I wanted bc sheíd ask me if I saw me and her going somewhere.

    I do like her but she lives 90 miles away and I work outta of town 5 days a week. I do wanna see other people casually but she wants to plan whole days together and nights. I want to see my friends and do all the single things Iíve gotten use to doing.

    Me sending that text was me showing I cared because I know how much it sucks being rejected. Her expectations put so much pressure on me if turned me off.
    Like I said, you did the right thing, just learn to keep it more brief and simple. Also, if you are going to jump into bed early on, be sure that you make the expectations clear - only casual, only a hook up or two. Be honest from the get go. Nothing wrong with that and it will save you all this drama, guilt, trouble down the road. Be clear about where you are at and what you want and then let others decide for themselves what they want to do with that.

    Look, if I tell a guy straight up that I'm categorically not looking for a relationship and then later on he pitches a fit that he was expecting one, that's too bad. I don't feel bad about it because I spelled out the conditions of our deal early on and if he decides to take a chance hoping for more, that's his problem, not mine. I'm going to stick to my word and move on in peace. You need to learn to do the same.

  10. #9
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    As a woman, I appreciate a man's honesty. I'd rather a guy simply say "I'm just not feeling it with you" than "I'm still not over my ex" or "I don't have time to date right now."

    It doesn't feel good, but she will heal. Don't feel guilty. Maybe next time don't explain yourself so copiously...but you gave her the respect of telling her you weren't in to it.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Deep breaths, friend. You're right to feel however you feel, and whatever you feel, at any given moment. Including this one. How we handle those feelings, how we express themówell, that's the forever work.

    What I see here, just being honest, is a lot of complicated and dramatic words to express something simple: sorry, you're great, but I'm not feeling you the way I need to feel you. Which you are allowed to say without being The Worst Man On The Planet. In fact, learning to just say that is a step toward becoming an ever better man.

    In other words, I think you feel (a) a little bad for simply not feeling her and (b) a little bad for not just being straight about that. You used an inflated idea of your damage to mask the hard, human fact that you're just not vibing as you ned to vibe.

    The subtext of your note, basically, is that if you weren't a bit of a mess right nowóthe personal issues, the figuring out life stuff, and so onóthen you'd be ready for her, you guys would be perfect, and so on. But let's be really honest: that's not true. The truth is simpler. The truth is that you're just not feeling it, and if you were feeling it a bit more you wouldn't be writing that dissertation. You'd just be hanging, enjoying her, taking each other's clothes off, and so on. The truth is that you're totally open for that right now, with the right person. She, alas, is not that person for you.

    In the future, you don't need to treat people like therapistsóand if dating feels that way right now, it might be best to chill with dating. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that, sorry, you're not feeling it. End scene. That is honestly and respectórespect for yourself, for the truth, and respect for them, a person who can handle the truth.
    Dude youíre like in my head for real. I have a tendency to explain things in the worst way possible. I really need to work on that. Thanks stuff like this is why I post it really gets me in tune with myself.

    lol you telling me to breathe. I post at the times when Iím feeling the worst lol. You can tell pretty much, I sent her that text at the height of me freaking out. Been feeling really good lately. This stuff caught me off guard.

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