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Thread: Dumped and Heartbroken - pushed someone away

  1. #1
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    Dumped and Heartbroken - pushed someone away

    Hi all,

    I'm 33 and my ex is 31. We dated for 7-8 months and for the first 6 months it was great and we were both falling for each other. I've dealt with mental illness my whole life (mainly depression and some BPD), but it is under control and I'm on medication and it generally doesn't impact my mood. What has been a problem for me is I have in the past 4-5 years been addicted to gambling and in the past 1-2 years my drinking has picked up and I started to use THC pills. When I combine all 3, I feel amazing. But when I crash, and especially when I lose all my money gambling, I feel sick and horrible and just become a dark, very depressed person. Sometime crying, unable to get out of bed for a day. She saw two episodes of this kind of cycle where I became very depressed. But I did bounce back. I never did anything crazy other than just being really sad, and blamed it on the things going on in my life. She dumped me a few weeks ago, and I could feel her drifting after the first episode. Her reasoning is sound - she is scared and while she was falling for me and thinks I'm amazing, and she saw a future with me, she isn't sure anymore. And she is too scared to go back into something when those moods show up again and I become debilitated.

    I feel absolutely heartbroken. I wasn't being honest during our relationship and was gambling a lot and drinking and that definitely made me less attentive to her and more distant - I just wanted to escape. I know I have to do the hard work to fix this, and have been clean for a few weeks now and while I've been getting help for years, her leaving combined with basically ruining my financial life and being in debt after winning so much, and pushing other people in my family away over the years, has left me at a breaking point. The positive is I've never felt more certain in my life that these activities need to stop and are the sole reason for the destruction of my relationships.

    No matter how much I apologized to her, and said it wouldn't happen again, and pointed to actions I was taking to deal with my issues, she said she's unlikely to change her mind. It's been over 3 weeks now and I've sent a note basically apologizing and leaving the door open if she changes her mind.

    I've thought about coming clean and telling her the truth - but I know that if I did that, she would run for the hills. Nobody, especially somebody looking to settle down, wants to get into something serious with an addict or a guy who doesn't have his sh*t together. I so badly want to be that guy, and I can be without these vices. I know how awesome I am and how loving and kind I am. I showed her that side of me 90% of the time.

    While I totally shoulder the blame for pushing her away, I wish she could have communicated how she was feeling the first time it happened, instead of just bolting and not giving me a second chance. She admits she has issues in communicating her emotions - she's been told she has a good "poker face" and so this must have been brewing inside her for at least a couple of months. She's also not sure what she really wants in a partner (she works with a therapist to figure this out) and has had many intense short term relationships. She relies on her friends and family for input about who to date, whether to go back to someone, etc... I'm sure her family/friends told her to stay away when they found out about my behaviour.

    I haven't "begged" for a second chance, but told her the work I was doing an assuring her these episodes wouldn't happen again. I've explained it as me having a hard time coping with emotions, but the reality is, it was my gambling losses that got me so down. Admitting that to her, while honest, doesn't at all help my chances of getting her back. I'm sort of being honest in admitting it's related to mental health issues and she knew I had debts that were stressing me out, and other issues (like my mom getting cancer), but didn't know about the gambling.

    I've talked at length with people about this. I am so sick that I pushed somebody so great away. I don't blame her. I'm so sad. I think I hit rock bottom though and realized what gambling and drinking were doing to me and how destructive they are and how they push away people I love.

    I'm getting the help I need. But she's back on dating sites/apps and looking for others and it makes me so sad. She's a very special person.

    My goal is to keep getting better, but of course I long for her and want her back. My fear is, if I give her space, time and go no contact, she will find somebody else and move on. Or not change her mind. So I feel this pressure her to make her come back.

    I feel like there's nothing I can do and I'm so heartbroken about it. I wish I could go back in time and realize if I kept that stuff up, it would drive her away and trust me I would have gotten it under control.

    Like I said, I can't blame her for leaving, but desperately want a second chance as I am doing the work to get better and come to this sudden realization that this can't go on. I've never felt more in control of not pursuing these behaviours. Combined with my therapy and awareness of everything, I know this wouldn't happen again. But no amount of convincing has worked.

    I am looking for advice and help on how to get her back, and how to cope with the loss. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, and never meant to hurt her or bring her into a relationship being addicted - at the time I thought I had the thing beat and for the first 5-6 months wasn't even touching it.

    Thank you. I'm a very sensitive guy so feel things intensely. Maybe being vulnerable and emotional scared her away too.

  2. #2
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    You are not in a place right now to be in a relationship with anyone. You have got to get yourself to a place that is acceptable for you. You need to be healthy. And once you are in a healthy spot, you need to be there-alone-for a while in order to figure out who you really are.

    She knows you are not capable of a relationship right now, for you are in a relationship with addiction. Until you have conquered that, you are best to stay apart from her. It is best for you and for her.

  3. #3
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    Thanks. I appreciate what youíre saying. But what kills me is that during this time of separation, either sheíll meet someone else and move on from me or not change her view at all. She said she was unlikely to. Itís so painful to accept that as a consequence and Iím trying desperately to do whatever I can to make sure I end up with her. Even if that seems selfish. I know we are right for each other and had a special thing going.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you may be running the risk having a very over-inflated view of yourself (sensitive, kind, loving, awesome). Those are all words that you used to describe yourself while plummeting and hitting rock bottom. At the same time you seem to think that by hitting rock bottom, you are entitled to keeping her when she doesn't want to be around. You can't have it both ways: you're not being completely honest with yourself, let alone her, if you think that you're doing anyone a service thinking you can sustain a relationship while dealing with your addictions.

    She is absolutely entitled and should be free to meet someone else who fulfills her needs in a relationship. Try not to get suckered into the sense of entitlement or control that you have over anyone else to make up for the lack of control that you have in your own life. Take it easy and just deal with what you've got on your plate.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by leafsfan1967
    Thanks. I appreciate what youíre saying. But what kills me is that during this time of separation, either sheíll meet someone else and move on from me or not change her view at all. She said she was unlikely to. Itís so painful to accept that as a consequence and Iím trying desperately to do whatever I can to make sure I end up with her. Even if that seems selfish. I know we are right for each other and had a special thing going.
    I'm not sure she wants a relationship with you. If she has told you that she is not going to change her mind (especially if she doesn't know about all of your vices), then you need to realize that things are over. You might not (probably won't) end up with her. And that is OK. Don't develop an obsession for her...that is not healthy.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately she knows who you are and what's going on by now. Let go, she's seen and heard it all by now.
    Originally Posted by leafsfan1967
    We dated for 7-8 months
    I've dealt with mental illness my whole life (mainly depression and some BPD)
    the past 4-5 years been addicted to gambling
    in the past 1-2 years my drinking has picked up
    I started to use THC pills.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think you have very good intentions to get better. I laud you for it, however most women want a good life and you know you can't provide what she and most women want especially right now.

    As common sense dictates, a good life encompasses the entire package deal such a stable, secure man who doesn't have vices, sound economics, solid mental and physical health, morals, integrity and all virtues we hold dear.

    You can't get her back as that ship has sailed. Give it up. You can explain until you're blue in the face to no avail.

    Focus on fixing yourself which could take years. Then start fresh with someone else because by that time, hopefully you'll have your act together by then.

    Be realistic. No amount of begging, pleading, imploring or convincing will work. Generally, a woman wants a smooth, content life and you can't deliver the goods. Sorry.

  9. #8
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    Let it go. You have more important things to deal with.

    There is NOTHING we can do to get people back, once they have checked out. NOTHING. Deal with your issues and prevent this from happening in the future.

  10. #9
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    She's already gone, OP, and very unlikely to return. She doesn't even know the full extent of your issues and it's already too unhappy and dysfunctional a prospect for her.

    Worrying about her moving on is a rather moot point, in other words. She's already detached enough to have broken up with you and declared she isn't going to come back. What this means is that she had emotionally already begun the process of letting go and closing the door by the time she ended it. Once that happens, given the circumstances, it's very difficult to open the door again. The other issue working against you here is that you weren't together all that long. It's not as though you have a few years of established history together under your belts before the problems crept in. She doesn't have much frame of reference to look back and know there were happier times to rebuild. It only took 6 months for the relationship to take a turn for the worst, so it doesn't create an appealing option to return to.

    I know it's not what you hoped to hear, but you really need to work on yourself and your own issues now. Otherwise, they will continue to affect any future relationships as well.

  11. #10
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    You need to get your sh*t together. The drinking, gambling and drug use are all deal breakers.

    What are you doing to help yourself? Are you in support groups and therapy to break the addictions?

    You should not be dating anyone for at least a few years. You need to get your life together!

    "Thank you. I'm a very sensitive guy so feel things intensely. Maybe being vulnerable and emotional scared her away too." You are choosing not to take full responsibility. Your addictions chased her away. That's it.


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