Jump to content

I'm Struggling


FullofTears

Recommended Posts

I am in my mid 40's and my wife is 30. We are in a same sex relationship. We have been married for 3 years and together for 6. Like many families, we struggle. It is like we never have enough cash to pay our bills. I pay for all of the utilities, all of the groceries, all of day care, 87% of the mortgage, and she pays 13% of the mortgage, her own car loan, and we split the kids clothing costs. She also pays student loans and while we have a middle class income she doesn't share her finances with me.

 

We both gained weight after kids. We were overwhelmed and food was a stress reliever. Last year my spouse had gastric bypass and started to loose weight. I tried to loose weight but without going to the gym, I struggled with it. I decided after family pictures in June to loose weight and I dropped 20 pounds recently, but I am no way back to where I was when her and I were dating. She has done well to get back there, but she had her stomach cut out. I cant not recall the last time she said I looked pretty.

 

Months ago my wife was on a work trip and called me drunk and said she wanted us to get back to where we were. Our relationship has been strained from kids and our careers. She is working and going to school, so often after the kids go to bed she studies and I wander off alone. I stopped trying to be around her because she always needed to study, but often she would sit on her phone while studying. Our conversation died down and we stopped dating being overwhelmed with kids. After she made this request to work on us, I started asking her for Saturday night dates at home. I offered to make a fire outside where we can sit and drink wine. I offered to rent a movie from RedBox. She never seemed interested in having a date. We did get to a concert this summer and she actually reached out and held my hand.

 

Something changed over the past month. She rejected each attempted I made to make love. This left me feeling so rejected I would often wake up in the middle of the night feeling all alone. She doesn't hold hand or hug so the sex was the only physical thing we had. Over the past three weeks she hasn't responded to text messages such as "xoxo" or "I love you". I started hearing little angry comments from her said in a low tone. One was regarding the kids Birthday party when I asked about the cake options she said she would take care of it and then turned away and said like she normally does. This hurt because I often don't take care of those things because she decides decorations and themes. I handle getting the kids to and from daycare, cooking dinner, doing dishes and laundry, cutting the grass and paying the utilities. I decided to take ownership and ordered a cake and arranged catering. When I attempted to ask if she was stressed at work and taking it out on me, she said, "Don't pin this on me".

 

Since that time I noticed many things changing. She started shaving her pubic hair which she hasn't done for two years. She started taking tons of selfies and posting them on instagram. She made an appointment with counseling and didn't tell me. She started using her phone more and more and there are times she is on it over dinner. She went to a food event and told me she went with one co-worker but ended up going with another women she never mentioned. She also stopped wearing her wedding and engagement rings. I did ask her about that and she said she has them in her purse because she planned to drop them off to get a missing stone replaced. Since then she has worn them on and off. I have offered to have a date but she says we need to save money but somehow finds money to go out with coworkers and friends.

 

Today has been really hard for me. Our kids woke us up at 4am and I ran down the hallway to them like I often do. (My spouse never offers to get up to take care of them anymore) I held our toddler who woke up their sibling. I took both to our bed since we would be up at 5:30. My spouse has a concert tonight and i saw her shaving her pubic hair again in the shower. She also did a facial mask before putting on makeup which is something she has never done in the morning. She also did not put on her wedding ring though she wore it a few days before. We loaded the kids into the car and she said "love you".

 

I am struggling with feeling loved. There isn't enough touching and attention from her for me to feel loved. I feel like there is another women steeling her away emotionally and physically. I am fearful of her first counseling session tomorrow that it is her first step in leaving the relationship. If she wanted to make this work, she would have told me and we would have gone together. I feel afraid to bring any of this up and talk about us because it just seems to push her away. I am struggling to stay positive and think this will get better. I am struggling to make it through each day when I sit on the floor and play with the kids to see my wife sitting on her phone texting someone. I dont know how much longer I can hold back these tears. I am trying to stay positive and hope she works out her stuff and comes back, but I feel she is just looking for a way out.

Link to comment

IMO she is escaping her life and stresses, by trying to be someone different, hanging out with different people, so she can feel relief. What she doesn't know is how much she will lose. She has lost all sight of what is important over a little attention for a boost. The only advice I can give is that you both attend marriage counseling, and start communicating again. The longer you sit there and do nothing, the worse the situation will get.

Link to comment

That's the wrong way to use a facial mask. The skin needs a breather before layering junk/make up on it.

 

It's possible she's practicing a lot more self-love than before with her newfound freedom and weight loss but neglecting her marriage and her kids is unfair to both you and the family. There seems to be a lot of resentment and tension but both of you haven't spoken about them with each other.

 

Why is there a wall between the both of you and why have you stopped asking her who she's texting or opened up any discussion about her bookings with a counselor? Why haven't both of you revised your finances and contributions (updated items) as times have changed? There's so much that can be done here and many conversations started and more insight gained, perhaps breaking that wall of tension and alleviating that resentment.

Link to comment
That's the wrong way to use a facial mask. The skin needs a breather before layering junk/make up on it.

 

It's possible she's practicing a lot more self-love than before with her newfound freedom and weight loss but neglecting her marriage and her kids is unfair to both you and the family. There seems to be a lot of resentment and tension but both of you haven't spoken about them with each other.

 

Why is there a wall between the both of you and why have you stopped asking her who she's texting or opened up any discussion about her bookings with a counselor? Why haven't both of you revised your finances and contributions (updated items) as times have changed? There's so much that can be done here and many conversations started and more insight gained, perhaps breaking that wall of tension and alleviating that resentment.

 

Thank for you your response.

 

There is alot of resentment and I know I am part of the problem. The finances are part of our problem. I tried to do a shared checking account with her in the past and it failed. I was using a join checking account to save for our wedding. My fiance was not depositing anything into it and then used several hundred dollars out of it. She had a habit of "borrowing" from our joint account and then claiming she put the money back. I couldn't save for our wedding when she was taking money out. I know I resent her for spending money on luxury items when I pay for day care. I gave up buying new clothing and getting my hair done until the daycare costs are covered.

 

I am trying to work on my own issues but I dont think it's the right time for me to tell her I need my physical touch or help cleaning the house. I have been trying to ask her what I can do and hope that she brings up what is bothering her.

Link to comment

How did you both get married if the wedding was difficult to save for? Was it a low profile type of wedding in the end? My husband and I only had ten people there at our wedding and it was intended that way for us. The people we wanted there came and all went home by 3pm after cake and festivities. There's no shame in a smaller affair. Either way, you both are married so it means a good deal of commitment on both sides. She's not acknowledging that commitment right now by neglecting your family or you. I feel like you feel ashamed of something for some reason. Am I wrong? What are you feeling ashamed about? Is it the weight issue in comparison to her weight loss?

 

Not all couples operate with joint checking accounts. My husband and I do not have one and we are in agreement on the topic. We have access to funds in a different way and rely on clear communication and frankness when it comes to money. If something comes up we talk about it and come up with a course of action on how to solve any issues or plan for the future.

 

It seems she wants to have fun and do more outgoing things. Perhaps the concert was a breath of fresh air for her. Why not go out more together? If you're still upset about the wedding funds disappearing, both of you need to clear the air too. It's not good to hold on to that and still expect to function as a couple.

Link to comment
How did you both get married if the wedding was difficult to save for? Was it a low profile type of wedding in the end? My husband and I only had ten people there at our wedding and it was intended that way for us. The people we wanted there came and all went home by 3pm after cake and festivities. There's no shame in a smaller affair. Either way, you both are married so it means a good deal of commitment on both sides. She's not acknowledging that commitment right now by neglecting your family or you. I feel like you feel ashamed of something for some reason. Am I wrong? What are you feeling ashamed about? Is it the weight issue in comparison to her weight loss?

 

Not all couples operate with joint checking accounts. My husband and I do not have one and we are in agreement on the topic. We have access to funds in a different way and rely on clear communication and frankness when it comes to money. If something comes up we talk about it and come up with a course of action on how to solve any issues or plan for the future.

 

It seems she wants to have fun and do more outgoing things. Perhaps the concert was a breath of fresh air for her. Why not go out more together? If you're still upset about the wedding funds disappearing, both of you need to clear the air too. It's not good to hold on to that and still expect to function as a couple.

 

I am very, very good with money. When we decided to get married, I developed a business plan to pay for the wedding. We only had about 30 people and it was on a beach. My trick was to open a Marriott's Reward Card with bonus points. Then I prepared the conference room with the card and earned 5 points for each dollar spent. I made enough points to pay for the hotel room which was like 3,000 totally for free.

 

I am ashamed. I feel like my spouse has undergone a rebirth and totally left me behind. I never liked my body and it's so hard to loose weight after 40. It's compounded that I cant get to the gym. I am also ashamed because I have not be a great spouse. Before we had kids she withdrew away from me and ignored me to the point I felt worthless. I remember begging her to just hold me but she had too much to do for school. I was so depressed I sought out attention anywhere I could find it and I ended up cheating. I never told her and I carry that pain but I sometimes thinks she found out and resents me for it. Since that time, I have tried so hard to be the best spouse I can be, but it's a struggle when I dont feel like she loves me. I also dont think she ever considers her contributions to the problem.

 

I have asked about more outgoing things. I have also been trying to pay for more things. She has just been reluctant.

Link to comment
OP, what about her do you like/love? From what you're stating here, there doesn't seem to be many redeeming qualities. What made you fall in love with her and entertain (and go through with) marriage?

 

My wife is the most giving and kindest woman I know. She volunteers and gives of herself with no expectations of return. She is super smart and driven to keep learning. She is playful though I have not seen it in a while. She is beautiful even when she gained weight from carrying our kids.

Link to comment

I could concede that she is practicing self-love if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't wear her wedding rings anymore. That is gigantic red flag that this is not just a matter of her feeling more confident after her weight loss.

 

She is wanting to appear single. Full stop. To whom? You will probably piece that together soon enough. Keep you eyes and ears open, and observe. Do you pay the phone bill? If so, have a look and see who she is talking to frequently. There are an awful lot of indicators here that, collectively, point to someone else being on her radar. I wouldn't make any accusations of that at this point though; I would take a step back and see what you can learn before even approaching her with that.

 

You both seem to carry a lot of resentment towards each other, in any event, and she is clearly backing out of the marriage. But it sounds as though this was happening even before you got married. It's time for that come-to-Jesus talk. You need to really have an honest conversation with her and figure out if she actually does want to stay in the marriage.

Link to comment
I could concede that she is practicing self-love if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't wear her wedding rings anymore. That is gigantic red flag that this is not just a matter of her feeling more confident after her weight loss.

 

She is wanting to appear single. Full stop. To whom? You will probably piece that together soon enough. Keep you eyes and ears open, and observe. Do you pay the phone bill? If so, have a look and see who she is talking to frequently. There are an awful lot of indicators here that, collectively, point to someone else being on her radar. I wouldn't make any accusations of that at this point though; I would take a step back and see what you can learn before even approaching her with that.

 

You both seem to carry a lot of resentment towards each other, in any event, and she is clearly backing out of the marriage. But it sounds as though this was happening even before you got married. It's time for that come-to-Jesus talk. You need to really have an honest conversation with her and figure out if she actually does want to stay in the marriage.

 

The lack of consistently wearing her wedding ring is a huge red flag for me. It's why I feel she is looking to end things. She claims she didn't wear it because she wanted to take it to the jeweler to get fixed. A stone fell out and she wants to put the kids birthstone in it. So this weekend I offered to drive us to the jewely and get a quote on it. Since it was downtown near her office she rejected the idea saying she can take it over a lunch break.

 

My big issue here is why cant she just wear it to the jeweler and there is no reason not to wear it until it's left with the jeweler. Also, she wants to fix her wedding band which is separate from her wedding ring. Why isn't she just wearing her engagement ring?

Link to comment
I am very, very good with money. When we decided to get married, I developed a business plan to pay for the wedding. We only had about 30 people and it was on a beach. My trick was to open a Marriott's Reward Card with bonus points. Then I prepared the conference room with the card and earned 5 points for each dollar spent. I made enough points to pay for the hotel room which was like 3,000 totally for free.

 

I am ashamed. I feel like my spouse has undergone a rebirth and totally left me behind. I never liked my body and it's so hard to loose weight after 40. It's compounded that I cant get to the gym. I am also ashamed because I have not be a great spouse. Before we had kids she withdrew away from me and ignored me to the point I felt worthless. I remember begging her to just hold me but she had too much to do for school. I was so depressed I sought out attention anywhere I could find it and I ended up cheating. I never told her and I carry that pain but I sometimes thinks she found out and resents me for it. Since that time, I have tried so hard to be the best spouse I can be, but it's a struggle when I dont feel like she loves me. I also dont think she ever considers her contributions to the problem.

 

I have asked about more outgoing things. I have also been trying to pay for more things. She has just been reluctant.

 

I'm sorry about this. I think both of you should try marriage counseling (has this been discussed before)? I ask because she is already going to counseling. The cheating adds a new dimension and I think the relationship may be at a serious (much more serious) crossroads than we were initially led to believe in your first post. None of these things are easy to talk about and I'm aware that it recalls very difficult issues and feelings between the both of you. Right now that kind of resentment building up and her neglect of the family, removing her rings, the constant phone use in your presence and ignoring you all point to her checking out emotionally and physically from the relationship. Cheating is not the answer (extra-marital affairs are not the answer). It is difficult to repair situations like this and I think you should be very realistic with this marriage for yourself and for your kids.

 

Why do you feel (before the extra-marital affair) that you were not a great spouse? Why did she feel that you weren't a great spouse, if this was the issue?

 

I think your weight may also be contributing to your sense of self-worth and what you feel you are worth in a relationship. If it drove you to seek affections elsewhere because you felt your worth plummeting this has been a terrible situation for you for a very long time. You've normalized it and rationalized that it is somehow ok to feel so low and yet still hope for reconciliation with this person. I don't think this is realistic, if you don't mind me saying. When I think of extra-marital affairs and betrayal/deception, I always see it as a language between two people and a dialogue of sorts. It's not simply what happens when a bad person does something bad (a negative judgment on one person in the couple only). The duality and the combination of issues between the two in the couple contributed to the break down. I think this is more of the case for you.

 

Have you gone for counseling yourself (one on one) with a therapist or counselor surrounding your body image issues or the break down in trust in the marriage? Are you also not able to obtain a gastric bypass also? I know candidates need to meet strict weight requirements before doctors will take that risk as it poses risks to the heart during surgery etc. Have you tried to remove certain foods from your diet also that may be contributing to the weight gain? Sometimes moderation is all it takes and a change in routine.

Link to comment

Find a marriage counselor specializing in LGBT relationships. You have a lack of communication. You feel insecure and unloved in the relationship and are attempting to find ways to affirm or prove she's cheating in ways such as rings, shaving, etc. Unfortunately that means you are hesitant to simply talk to her directly about the lack of affection.

Link to comment

OP... I have to say that from what you wrote, your wife seems to be on her way out of the relationship. You need to sit down with her first and foremost and ask her if she is willing to work on it with you. I echo what Wiseman said about seeking an therapist experienced in LGBTQ relationships, ideally for the two of you to see together.

 

One thing that is pretty clear is that you are miserable in this relationship... you go from one extreme of talking about how much of a piece of $hit you are to talking about how much you do for her while she sits back and takes advantage... in a healthy loving relationship, people feel confident, secure and know they are loved by the other person, they don't have to question it constantly.

Link to comment
My wife is the most giving and kindest woman I know. She volunteers and gives of herself with no expectations of return. She is super smart and driven to keep learning. She is playful though I have not seen it in a while. She is beautiful even when she gained weight from carrying our kids.

 

Oh yes? You pay 87% of the mortgage, utilites, grocieries, daycare for kids - where is the giving and the sharing? You don't even know her actual finances. It's not you as a couple struggling to pay the bills.....it's just YOU, OP.

 

Above aside, you have literally all the cliche signs of someone who is cheating.

 

I'm sorry, but it's high time you remove the blinkers or the pink goggles and take a real good look at what this woman is doing to you and what she is doing behind your back. I'm afraid that what you find won't be pleasant. She may put on a great facade of being good to others, but she sure as heck isn't being good to you.

Link to comment

Update:

 

At 1am last night, I woke up and my spouse was still not home. I know concerts here tend to end at 10:30 or 11:00 at the latest. I texted her at 1am to ask if she was ok and she called me. She was on her way home. She said they stopped and ate after the concert at Settlers Ridge. While on the phone she said she was exhausted and a little drunk so I told her I would go open the garage door for her and help her unload anything she needed. When she parked, she sat in her car and texted someone before getting out. I'm sure she texted those she went with. She was wearing her wedding ring.

 

She went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and I climbed back into bed. She went right to sleep and I laid in bed thinking until 2am when I fell asleep. She woke up at 3am and with me being a light sleeper, I woke as well. She said she felt sick so I offered to go get her some ice water and Tylenol. She asked me why I was awake and I told her I haven't had a full night of sleep for the past 5 weeks. I told her I was worried about our family and our relationship. While I was laying in bed facing away from her, she actually put her arm around me. I told her how nice it was to be held and how I appreciate it. At 3am, we had a brief but positive talk. I told her how much it hurts me when she doesn't wear her ring. I also asked her what else I could do to work on us. She actually took some ownership and said she has been the problem and she's being self destructive. I offered for us to go to counseling but she said she was the problem not me. She said she was going to talk to someone about her self destructive behavior. I asked if she would give me an example and she gave me the excessive drinking tonight. I tried to tell her that people sometimes do that to deal with issues. I told her how stressed I have been with having kids that I didn't care about my health and diet. I told her I wanted to work on us and we are a family and we need to work this out. I told her I still love her very, very much. She said she still loves me, but not sure we could ever get back to where we were. I said we never will get back to where we were at when younger and single, but that doesn't mean we cant forge a positive future together still.

 

This morning I emptied her cooler from the concert and it seemed pretty full. I dont know if other friends brought drinks, but it didn't look like she touched enough of her stuff to be as drunk as she was. My wife is very much into posting pictures on social media of a group photo before a concert, but there were no pictures on her or any of her friend's social media. It makes me wonder if she even went or just shacked up with some other woman for the night.

 

She did wear her wedding rings this morning and she actually texted me "XO" but didn't tell me she loves me this morning.

Link to comment

This latest conversation at least opened the door to some communication.

 

Make an appointment with a marriage counsellor. Your wife's behaviour is awfully suspicious and what she said in your talk last night is very concerning. If she won't go to a therapist with you, I don't believe she wants to fix the marriage anymore.

 

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds very painful, and the culmination of years of issues and lack of affection.

Link to comment

Is she driving drunk? I disagree that it's "just her". You need couples counselling, if you are enabling her "self-destructive behavior" and still don't trust her and feel chronically suspicious. No relationship problem/issue is just one person. Even if she refuses to go to couples counselling, go for your own sanity. Never have heavy middle of the night talks with drunk/hungover people. Have them in a therapists office.

-While on the phone she said she was exhausted and a little drunk so I told her I would go open the garage door for her

-She said she was going to talk to someone about her self destructive behavior.

-I asked if she would give me an example and she gave me the excessive drinking tonight.

-She said she still loves me, but not sure we could ever get back to where we were.

Link to comment
Is she driving drunk? I disagree that it's "just her". You need couples counselling, if you are enabling her "self-destructive behavior" and still don't trust her and feel chronically suspicious. No relationship problem/issue is just one person. Even if she refuses to go to couples counselling, go for your own sanity. Never have heavy middle of the night talks with drunk/hungover people. Have them in a therapists office.

 

I agree with everyone that seldom does a relationship fail because of just 1 person. I have been looking at my ownership in this as well. The thought on my mind is that while she is going to a counselor for herself, it might be very important for me to go as well to prepare for her to leave the relationship. I almost want to tell her that I am going to counseling because I feel alone in the relationship and I need to prepare for her to leave. I wonder if it would be motivation for her to figure things out and maybe express love towards me other than a touch once a week.

Link to comment
I agree with everyone that seldom does a relationship fail because of just 1 person. I have been looking at my ownership in this as well. The thought on my mind is that while she is going to a counselor for herself, it might be very important for me to go as well to prepare for her to leave the relationship. I almost want to tell her that I am going to counseling because I feel alone in the relationship and I need to prepare for her to leave. I wonder if it would be motivation for her to figure things out and maybe express love towards me other than a touch once a week.

 

That's not what counseling is for though. And you are assuming all the reasons she might be attending her own counseling sessions. Without knowing what they're really for or no communication between the both of you, you really don't know at all what she's thinking, doing or planning if anything. I think you're paranoid and angry with her and you're looking for ways to manipulate her into being more physically affectionate with you and ways to draw attention to yourself.

 

That's what low self-esteem does. You need counselling and therapy because of your self-esteem issues and to repair your sense of self and mental wellbeing. You should open up the lines of communication and talk more with each other. It might lessen your paranoia about her.

Link to comment

UPDATE 3.12.19

 

My wife had counseling Friday at 4pm. While she mentioned we was going to seek counseling, she hasn't told me she actually went. She did schedule another session in 2 weeks. We also went out Friday night to a football game since she got some free tickets from family. We ended up going with her friends and I felt like a 3rd wheel. I got up witht he kids Saturday so she could sleep in. I started to clean because their birthday party is next week. I thought the more cleaning I could do the more chance and opportunity we would have for quality time. She seemed less agitated and not so quick to bite my head off. We had a decent Saturday doing our shopping together and Saturday night we had our block party. She got drunk and when we went to bed she offered sex. There wasn't any foreplay or kissing and it felt more like raw sex than making love. Sunday I did some morning chores and we headed out to the mall. Sunday night we put the kids to bed and folded laundry. She suggested we watch the office which is not like her. We watched it and I scratched her back. We both went to bed after it. This morning she got up late and wasn't done getting ready so I basically loaded the cars and changed diapers and dressed the kids. She looked really nice this morning so I told her she looked pretty and she basically ignored more comment. I wanted to ask her if she thought things were improving with us, but this morning was hectic. I might ask her tonight when we go to bed.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...