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Thread: I'm Struggling

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she driving drunk? I disagree that it's "just her". You need couples counselling, if you are enabling her "self-destructive behavior" and still don't trust her and feel chronically suspicious. No relationship problem/issue is just one person. Even if she refuses to go to couples counselling, go for your own sanity. Never have heavy middle of the night talks with drunk/hungover people. Have them in a therapists office.
    Originally Posted by FullofTears
    -While on the phone she said she was exhausted and a little drunk so I told her I would go open the garage door for her
    -She said she was going to talk to someone about her self destructive behavior.
    -I asked if she would give me an example and she gave me the excessive drinking tonight.
    -She said she still loves me, but not sure we could ever get back to where we were.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is she driving drunk? I disagree that it's "just her". You need couples counselling, if you are enabling her "self-destructive behavior" and still don't trust her and feel chronically suspicious. No relationship problem/issue is just one person. Even if she refuses to go to couples counselling, go for your own sanity. Never have heavy middle of the night talks with drunk/hungover people. Have them in a therapists office.
    I agree with everyone that seldom does a relationship fail because of just 1 person. I have been looking at my ownership in this as well. The thought on my mind is that while she is going to a counselor for herself, it might be very important for me to go as well to prepare for her to leave the relationship. I almost want to tell her that I am going to counseling because I feel alone in the relationship and I need to prepare for her to leave. I wonder if it would be motivation for her to figure things out and maybe express love towards me other than a touch once a week.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FullofTears
    I agree with everyone that seldom does a relationship fail because of just 1 person. I have been looking at my ownership in this as well. The thought on my mind is that while she is going to a counselor for herself, it might be very important for me to go as well to prepare for her to leave the relationship. I almost want to tell her that I am going to counseling because I feel alone in the relationship and I need to prepare for her to leave. I wonder if it would be motivation for her to figure things out and maybe express love towards me other than a touch once a week.
    That's not what counseling is for though. And you are assuming all the reasons she might be attending her own counseling sessions. Without knowing what they're really for or no communication between the both of you, you really don't know at all what she's thinking, doing or planning if anything. I think you're paranoid and angry with her and you're looking for ways to manipulate her into being more physically affectionate with you and ways to draw attention to yourself.

    That's what low self-esteem does. You need counselling and therapy because of your self-esteem issues and to repair your sense of self and mental wellbeing. You should open up the lines of communication and talk more with each other. It might lessen your paranoia about her.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just tell her this without the guilt, preemptive strikes and innuendo. "I feel alone" is enough to start a conversation.
    Originally Posted by FullofTears
    I almost want to tell her that I am going to counseling because I feel alone in the relationship and I need to prepare for her to leave.

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  6. #25
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    UPDATE 3.12.19

    My wife had counseling Friday at 4pm. While she mentioned we was going to seek counseling, she hasn't told me she actually went. She did schedule another session in 2 weeks. We also went out Friday night to a football game since she got some free tickets from family. We ended up going with her friends and I felt like a 3rd wheel. I got up witht he kids Saturday so she could sleep in. I started to clean because their birthday party is next week. I thought the more cleaning I could do the more chance and opportunity we would have for quality time. She seemed less agitated and not so quick to bite my head off. We had a decent Saturday doing our shopping together and Saturday night we had our block party. She got drunk and when we went to bed she offered sex. There wasn't any foreplay or kissing and it felt more like raw sex than making love. Sunday I did some morning chores and we headed out to the mall. Sunday night we put the kids to bed and folded laundry. She suggested we watch the office which is not like her. We watched it and I scratched her back. We both went to bed after it. This morning she got up late and wasn't done getting ready so I basically loaded the cars and changed diapers and dressed the kids. She looked really nice this morning so I told her she looked pretty and she basically ignored more comment. I wanted to ask her if she thought things were improving with us, but this morning was hectic. I might ask her tonight when we go to bed.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you going to therapy for yourself or support groups? Al-Anon would help you tremendously to determine how much of a problem her drinking is and what kinds of disruptions it's causing and how and why you are contributing to that. Sadly you are enabling her on every level. Do not ask her if "things are improving" ask yourself and ask your therapist. Emotionally abusive relationships are just as common in same sex relationships as anywhere else. Read up on that.

    Therapy would help you to recognize how being the martyr/victim in the relationship does not and will not change anyone. It's passive-aggressive and comes from fear. It will not win you love or respect. Especially from someone like this. In fact being a doormat will encourage her dismissive disrespectful behavior. Stop kissing her butt this much.
    Originally Posted by FullofTears
    -I got up witht he kids Saturday so she could sleep in.
    -She got drunk and when we went to bed she offered sex.
    -Sunday I did some morning chores
    -This morning she got up late and wasn't done getting ready
    -so I basically loaded the cars and changed diapers and dressed the kids.
    -I told her she looked pretty and she basically ignored more comment.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    You should not have to pander to her this much in order to get attention from her. You are not her maid, you are not her mother, you are not a nanny - you are her wife, and you are her equal in this marriage. You are putting her up on a high level than you because you want attention - stop it! From what I can see so far, you only get attention from her when she's been drinking. Have you noticed this?

  9. #28
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    I've found the more I cater to someone who's not as into the relationship as I am, the worse it gets.

    I have to assume she doesn't want someone to wait on her hand and foot. That doesn't engender respect OR love.

    Do what you've always done. Or, if your habit has been to cater to her, dial that back. Again, I doubt she's looking for a servant. Resist the urge to do things for her out of fear of losing her. Behave as an equal and it's more likely you'll be treated as one.

  10. #29
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    Yesterday my spouse sent me a text message that she was craving breakfast for dinner and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. I agreed. When she got into the car and was using her phone, I noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding and engagement ring again. I didn't say anything but thought I would mention it at bedtime. The entire trip from home to restaurant no ring. Then somehow, there was a ring on her finger. It was like while she was helping the kids she slipped it on. I asked her about it which lead into a weird argument. She claims she was playing with her rings and constantly takes them on and off and dropped them. That makes no sense because she wasn't wearing them in the car.

    Other than that, she has been more pleasant to be around, not on her phone as much, and actually reached over and took my hand when laying in bed.

    I am trying to take people's advice and work on me as well. I am trying not to cater to her as much and I am doing well at not using food to deal with the feelings I feel. I am still on my diet and loosing weight. I really hope to loose 10 more pounds before our family vacation.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by FullofTears
    I am very, very good with money. When we decided to get married, I developed a business plan to pay for the wedding. We only had about 30 people and it was on a beach. My trick was to open a Marriott's Reward Card with bonus points. Then I prepared the conference room with the card and earned 5 points for each dollar spent. I made enough points to pay for the hotel room which was like 3,000 totally for free.

    I am ashamed. I feel like my spouse has undergone a rebirth and totally left me behind. I never liked my body and it's so hard to loose weight after 40. It's compounded that I cant get to the gym. I am also ashamed because I have not be a great spouse. Before we had kids she withdrew away from me and ignored me to the point I felt worthless. I remember begging her to just hold me but she had too much to do for school. I was so depressed I sought out attention anywhere I could find it and I ended up cheating. I never told her and I carry that pain but I sometimes thinks she found out and resents me for it. Since that time, I have tried so hard to be the best spouse I can be, but it's a struggle when I dont feel like she loves me. I also dont think she ever considers her contributions to the problem.

    I have asked about more outgoing things. I have also been trying to pay for more things. She has just been reluctant.
    I am almost 53 and had my child at 42. It is harder for some to lose weight after 40 but you do not need to get to a gym to lose weight. I do have a workout room in my building but very often I use my feet and the outdoors to get my exercise in. As a mom especially when he was younger I had little time to work out and had been regularly exercising since 1982 including at gyms. But with very little time I had no time to add in commuting time to a gym and I had to work it in when my husband was around if I couldn't take my child out in the jogging stroller because of weather.

    So, what I did was committed to 30-35 minutes of cardio per day -every single day. I skip one day a year because of a religious obligation and I skip if I am very sick or doctor's orders not to work out. I can do 30-35 minutes. I have my workout clothes ready (typically first thing in the morning) and my water bottle ready and sneakers by the door, (yes I splurge on great sneakers especially since I'm older to help prevent injuries/soreness) earbuds in my purse. No excuses. I then either do the treadmill or a power walk. I do try to do some 'strength" training by moving my arms but, no, often it is only cardio. I try to work in strength to my daily living -like housecleaning (yes scrubbing floors counts I think). I've been doing this particular routine for 8 years. Before that I did 5 times a week. If all else fails -meaning husband is traveling, son is home from school and no child care - I have a workout DVD that cost about $15 and comes with an exercise band - Leslie Sansome. I do one of her walk at home workouts for 30-35 minutes in my living room. When my son was a toddler I put him in the playpen (yes he loved it in there) and later I bribed him as needed lol. I do her workout with a lot more intensity because it's only for 30-35 minutes. I get a great workout.

    I have not been overweight since I was pregnant (if that counts) and never before that other than for about 6 months when I was in my 20s and on a hellacious birth control pill. You can do this too - even if it's just 20 minutes commit to daily exercise or at least 5 times a week. You will feel better about yourself mentally too even if you don't lose any weight. And it will motivate you to drink more and eat more healthful foods.

    I know that kids change a marriage. We became parents three months after getting married. And I relocated for the first time in 43 years, was unemployed and/or not a grad student for the first time in 20 years or so. Lots of changes. Yes, sex becomes less spontaneous, yes there can be bickering or arguments about parenting made worse by sleep deprivation. I get it. The exercise will do wonders and is a great step in the right direction. Feel free to PM me if you like. All the best.

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