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Thread: I'm Struggling

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I could concede that she is practicing self-love if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't wear her wedding rings anymore. That is gigantic red flag that this is not just a matter of her feeling more confident after her weight loss.

    She is wanting to appear single. Full stop. To whom? You will probably piece that together soon enough. Keep you eyes and ears open, and observe. Do you pay the phone bill? If so, have a look and see who she is talking to frequently. There are an awful lot of indicators here that, collectively, point to someone else being on her radar. I wouldn't make any accusations of that at this point though; I would take a step back and see what you can learn before even approaching her with that.

    You both seem to carry a lot of resentment towards each other, in any event, and she is clearly backing out of the marriage. But it sounds as though this was happening even before you got married. It's time for that come-to-Jesus talk. You need to really have an honest conversation with her and figure out if she actually does want to stay in the marriage.
    The lack of consistently wearing her wedding ring is a huge red flag for me. It's why I feel she is looking to end things. She claims she didn't wear it because she wanted to take it to the jeweler to get fixed. A stone fell out and she wants to put the kids birthstone in it. So this weekend I offered to drive us to the jewely and get a quote on it. Since it was downtown near her office she rejected the idea saying she can take it over a lunch break.

    My big issue here is why cant she just wear it to the jeweler and there is no reason not to wear it until it's left with the jeweler. Also, she wants to fix her wedding band which is separate from her wedding ring. Why isn't she just wearing her engagement ring?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FullofTears
    I am very, very good with money. When we decided to get married, I developed a business plan to pay for the wedding. We only had about 30 people and it was on a beach. My trick was to open a Marriott's Reward Card with bonus points. Then I prepared the conference room with the card and earned 5 points for each dollar spent. I made enough points to pay for the hotel room which was like 3,000 totally for free.

    I am ashamed. I feel like my spouse has undergone a rebirth and totally left me behind. I never liked my body and it's so hard to loose weight after 40. It's compounded that I cant get to the gym. I am also ashamed because I have not be a great spouse. Before we had kids she withdrew away from me and ignored me to the point I felt worthless. I remember begging her to just hold me but she had too much to do for school. I was so depressed I sought out attention anywhere I could find it and I ended up cheating. I never told her and I carry that pain but I sometimes thinks she found out and resents me for it. Since that time, I have tried so hard to be the best spouse I can be, but it's a struggle when I dont feel like she loves me. I also dont think she ever considers her contributions to the problem.

    I have asked about more outgoing things. I have also been trying to pay for more things. She has just been reluctant.
    I'm sorry about this. I think both of you should try marriage counseling (has this been discussed before)? I ask because she is already going to counseling. The cheating adds a new dimension and I think the relationship may be at a serious (much more serious) crossroads than we were initially led to believe in your first post. None of these things are easy to talk about and I'm aware that it recalls very difficult issues and feelings between the both of you. Right now that kind of resentment building up and her neglect of the family, removing her rings, the constant phone use in your presence and ignoring you all point to her checking out emotionally and physically from the relationship. Cheating is not the answer (extra-marital affairs are not the answer). It is difficult to repair situations like this and I think you should be very realistic with this marriage for yourself and for your kids.

    Why do you feel (before the extra-marital affair) that you were not a great spouse? Why did she feel that you weren't a great spouse, if this was the issue?

    I think your weight may also be contributing to your sense of self-worth and what you feel you are worth in a relationship. If it drove you to seek affections elsewhere because you felt your worth plummeting this has been a terrible situation for you for a very long time. You've normalized it and rationalized that it is somehow ok to feel so low and yet still hope for reconciliation with this person. I don't think this is realistic, if you don't mind me saying. When I think of extra-marital affairs and betrayal/deception, I always see it as a language between two people and a dialogue of sorts. It's not simply what happens when a bad person does something bad (a negative judgment on one person in the couple only). The duality and the combination of issues between the two in the couple contributed to the break down. I think this is more of the case for you.

    Have you gone for counseling yourself (one on one) with a therapist or counselor surrounding your body image issues or the break down in trust in the marriage? Are you also not able to obtain a gastric bypass also? I know candidates need to meet strict weight requirements before doctors will take that risk as it poses risks to the heart during surgery etc. Have you tried to remove certain foods from your diet also that may be contributing to the weight gain? Sometimes moderation is all it takes and a change in routine.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Find a marriage counselor specializing in LGBT relationships. You have a lack of communication. You feel insecure and unloved in the relationship and are attempting to find ways to affirm or prove she's cheating in ways such as rings, shaving, etc. Unfortunately that means you are hesitant to simply talk to her directly about the lack of affection.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP... I have to say that from what you wrote, your wife seems to be on her way out of the relationship. You need to sit down with her first and foremost and ask her if she is willing to work on it with you. I echo what Wiseman said about seeking an therapist experienced in LGBTQ relationships, ideally for the two of you to see together.

    One thing that is pretty clear is that you are miserable in this relationship... you go from one extreme of talking about how much of a piece of $hit you are to talking about how much you do for her while she sits back and takes advantage... in a healthy loving relationship, people feel confident, secure and know they are loved by the other person, they don't have to question it constantly.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    To echo previous posts, you need to seek professional counseling.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FullofTears
    My wife is the most giving and kindest woman I know. She volunteers and gives of herself with no expectations of return. She is super smart and driven to keep learning. She is playful though I have not seen it in a while. She is beautiful even when she gained weight from carrying our kids.
    Oh yes? You pay 87% of the mortgage, utilites, grocieries, daycare for kids - where is the giving and the sharing? You don't even know her actual finances. It's not you as a couple struggling to pay the bills.....it's just YOU, OP.

    Above aside, you have literally all the cliche signs of someone who is cheating.

    I'm sorry, but it's high time you remove the blinkers or the pink goggles and take a real good look at what this woman is doing to you and what she is doing behind your back. I'm afraid that what you find won't be pleasant. She may put on a great facade of being good to others, but she sure as heck isn't being good to you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Obviously your marriage is in trouble. Have a talk with your wife and BOTH of you should attend marriage counseling sessions. Take action and make improvements with professional intervention.

  9. #18
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    Update:

    At 1am last night, I woke up and my spouse was still not home. I know concerts here tend to end at 10:30 or 11:00 at the latest. I texted her at 1am to ask if she was ok and she called me. She was on her way home. She said they stopped and ate after the concert at Settlers Ridge. While on the phone she said she was exhausted and a little drunk so I told her I would go open the garage door for her and help her unload anything she needed. When she parked, she sat in her car and texted someone before getting out. I'm sure she texted those she went with. She was wearing her wedding ring.

    She went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and I climbed back into bed. She went right to sleep and I laid in bed thinking until 2am when I fell asleep. She woke up at 3am and with me being a light sleeper, I woke as well. She said she felt sick so I offered to go get her some ice water and Tylenol. She asked me why I was awake and I told her I haven't had a full night of sleep for the past 5 weeks. I told her I was worried about our family and our relationship. While I was laying in bed facing away from her, she actually put her arm around me. I told her how nice it was to be held and how I appreciate it. At 3am, we had a brief but positive talk. I told her how much it hurts me when she doesn't wear her ring. I also asked her what else I could do to work on us. She actually took some ownership and said she has been the problem and she's being self destructive. I offered for us to go to counseling but she said she was the problem not me. She said she was going to talk to someone about her self destructive behavior. I asked if she would give me an example and she gave me the excessive drinking tonight. I tried to tell her that people sometimes do that to deal with issues. I told her how stressed I have been with having kids that I didn't care about my health and diet. I told her I wanted to work on us and we are a family and we need to work this out. I told her I still love her very, very much. She said she still loves me, but not sure we could ever get back to where we were. I said we never will get back to where we were at when younger and single, but that doesn't mean we cant forge a positive future together still.

    This morning I emptied her cooler from the concert and it seemed pretty full. I dont know if other friends brought drinks, but it didn't look like she touched enough of her stuff to be as drunk as she was. My wife is very much into posting pictures on social media of a group photo before a concert, but there were no pictures on her or any of her friend's social media. It makes me wonder if she even went or just shacked up with some other woman for the night.

    She did wear her wedding rings this morning and she actually texted me "XO" but didn't tell me she loves me this morning.

  10. #19
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    It's not going to be all fixed after one conversation. Keep talking to her. If the both of you want things to improve they will, but it will take time.

  11. #20
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    This latest conversation at least opened the door to some communication.

    Make an appointment with a marriage counsellor. Your wife's behaviour is awfully suspicious and what she said in your talk last night is very concerning. If she won't go to a therapist with you, I don't believe she wants to fix the marriage anymore.

    I'm sorry, OP. It sounds very painful, and the culmination of years of issues and lack of affection.

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