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Thread: please help. I miss him but I know I can't make him stay

  1. #1

    please help. I miss him but I know I can't make him stay

    My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue after we had a hard time communicating after a 2 week long trip with no contact (academic reasons, 100% sure this is not an excuse for cheating). He said he wants to find himself and needs time on his own, but still loves me and wants to do all the things we used to do but as friends. If he loved me, then why break up with me like this instead of telling me he needed more space? I can handle contacting him less and hanging out less so we could focus on ourselves, but still be his girlfriend and tell him I love him and sleep with his sweaters stacked on my bed. We could have just talked it out, but he said I wouldn't believe him. I would. But it's too late now because he said he is serious about this decision. I didn't want to freak out and have him love me less, but I was having a terrible day (made worse because since he told me I was being too dependent, I was waiting for him to text me first instead of texting him first but he had not said a single thing) from morning to night when he was breaking up with me so in the heat of the moment I started panicking, saying I refused and that we could've just talked it out, his excuse sounded so cliché. When he asked for a hug I became passive aggressive and said that I don't hug friends, that if he loved me he wouldn't be doing something like this to me. I really shouldn't have done that but he broke up with me while I was sobbing in the comfort of his arms after a hard day. I didn't think he would break up with me just like that. Later at night I texted him a lot of questions because I was incredibly confused about the situation. So after he didn't respond for a long time, I took them back because I felt that even if I got the answers I wanted, if he was resolved to break up it wouldn't help anyway. So I took back the messages and wrote a long "farewell letter" to tell him I accepted it, and that I will improve myself as well. I said I was going to block him for a while but wanted to be friends again someday. In reality I thinking that maybe he doesn't love me anymore, and am hoping that if I improve myself and become more independent, attractive, and confident he will love me again. I know I can't force him or guilt him into staying with me. That wouldn't be love. Is relying on the hope that he will want be back as motivation to improve safe? Would my behavior right after the breakup scare him away or would he understand? Now that he's resolved to break up I can't even ask him questions like normal to fix things anymore. I'm scared about my mental health if he moves on from me to someone else, or if he was lying about still loving me and doesn't want me anymore. But right now, we were so happy not too long before that the breakup is too sudden for me to accept. I cannot accept that this is permanent, and if his explanation is true, then it will not be. Is there a better way to handle this mentally? I can't hate him or move on from him. He is an amazing person who loved me dearly and seemed to really care about me. I can't get over it because it just feels so sudden

  2. #2
    Silver Member
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    You need to give him some space. You kind of went a little overboard with him. You don't have a choice in accepting it; if he wants to break up, you have to accept it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He didn't feel this way "out of the blue" It's been going on for awhile. I have seen many posts where they just don't have feelings anymore for their BF/GF but pretended for months that everything was ok. It has nothing to do with you, it happens naturally. Yes he loves you but isn't in love with you. And yes it does mean he loves you...he loves you enough to finally come clean about how he feels. He can't help how he feels nor can he stop it/change it/nothing.
    As for dealing with this....you are best to back off from him, and go no contact. There is nothing more you can do. The ball is in his court if he changes his mind...but he needs to be left alone. I get it, all these emotions come in waves of pain over and over you just can't escape it...but in time it subsides. When that happens you can think a little better about the situation, then move on.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That was a bit unreasonable to ask for a hug especially considering the tension and your confusion (no mutual desire to break up). Hugs are for mutual consent and friendly terms. He wanted that hug for himself, not out of respect for you. You're upset. Take it as such and don't pander to any of his communications while you take care of yourself and heal from the break up. It's over as another member mentioned.

    You should accept that this is permanent.

    It is not healthy or stable or safe to use any idea of getting back together as motivation to improve yourself. Do not do this. This is probably the main reason (this line of thinking) that caused him to feel you were too much to deal with or handle in the relationship. Take back your independence and start living life and improving your life for you in order to live it fully on your own terms, NOT on someone else's.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Trust your gut. "lets be friends", "need space", taking a break", etc are all the same thing. A breakup. Delete him from all your social media. Stay active in your school activities and ignore him. Stop contacting him, stop writing letters. Stop bending yourself and begging and pleading. He's simply not the one for you and for whatever reason wants to breakup. Never chase anyone this much, it makes you appear desperate and unattractive.

    Make more friends and talk to more girls and boys. Talk to your parents. Use your smarts.

    This wasn't passive-aggressive, this was your common sense kicking in. Let him go.
    Originally Posted by eggeggegg
    I became passive aggressive and said that I don't hug friends, that if he loved me he wouldn't be doing something like this to me.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Consider him history. He's done as are you.

    Don't fret about the passive aggressive hug. You didn't feel like hugging him and there's nothing wrong with that.

    Don't try to win him back by improving yourself. Remember, he "wants to find himself." So let him grow up on his own. Someday he'll see the light and there are a lot of men who'll never grow up. They'll always be boys in a man's body.

    Improve yourself for yourself and not anyone else. A secure person doesn't need to seek approval from anyone. Do whatever it takes to build your self esteem because there's nothing more attractive in a woman or man than pure self confidence and strong, powerful, financial independence.

    Let him move onto someone else. With a character like that, he'll use a woman, dump her after he gives her excuses and mistreat her just as he did to you.

    No man is amazing when they're selfish, self-centered and only think of themselves and what they want.

    He did you a big favor. Look at the silver lining and think of the breakup as a blessing in disguise.


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