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Clear up a row, am I in the wrong


Emajgnol88

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I had a row with my girlfriend last night and am fuming and just wanted some clarification that my anger is justifed! I was up for work at 6:00am. We had agreed that she would take the day off to look after my 3 children. She got up with me at 6 to have a cup of tea with me and I left for work at 7.

 

 

I had a horrendous day in work, having HRMC sat with me so I was non stop from 7:30 until 3 when I finished.

 

 

She had txt me throughout the day to let me know that the kids were ok. She has the kids every Wednesday afternoon to help keep childcare costs down and whenever she does I’ll call when I leave work so she knows what time I’m getting back. Yesterday I’d had such a bad day I couldn’t face speaking to anyone on the trip home. I usually get home at 5 but as it had been so hectic I left at 3 and was home just before 4.

 

 

I got in and the kitchen was a complete mess! I couldn’t raise a smile to greet my girlfriend, just gave her a quick hug and set about doing the things that she should have done. She could tell I wasn’t happy.

 

 

She challenges me on this and tells me what she’s done all day. She made three lots of breakfast, put the clothes on the washing line (in total 3 times because it kept raining intermittently) She did three lots of dinner (my kids are fussy and don’t tend to eat the same things) She also spent 3 hours digging the garden and made a Start on our dinner for the evening.

 

 

The one thing I’d asked her to do was put the clothes out. Even though she’d done it, they were still damp and she’d forgotten to dry a small pile of pants and socks.

 

 

I’m just livid with her! I generally clean and tidy the house most days, it’s hard work with a full time job and 3 children and I just hoped that the one day she was home that I wouldn’t have to come home to such a mess!

 

In her defence I don’t usually get home until 5 and she now swears blind that she’d left the tidying of the kitchen until last as she was filthy from the gardening and to be fair she had done a lot of work on it. Me being home an hour early she says had taken her by surprise but surely that shouldn’t matter! Walking into a mess after a really hard day in work is soul destroying but she now thinks that I’m Out of order for daring to have a go at her given all that she had done.

 

I couldn't bare to sleep next to her last night so when she came to bed I got up and went to sleep on the settee and we're barely speaking today.

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Thanks Wiseman. I'm afraid my budget won't allow for that sort of thing. Certainly not trolling. If I'm wrong I'm wrong. I hate rowing and I just want a different perspective on things to maybe help me to see both sides or to confirm that I was justified.

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You are in the wrong to the point that you indeed sound like a troll. She was doing you a favor yet your post reeks of entitlement. Making three lots of dinner because your kids are "fussy"? If any of this post is true, it sounds like you are a spoiled brat and you are passing the trait to your kids.

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Take the bus and get a flip-phone. Go to a laundromat after work and do your own wash. Eat only ramen noodles or get cheap take out pizza, Chinese, etc.. Cut your own hair or shave your head and save on shampoo. Sell all your unneeded stuff (cars, tvs, computers, stuff in garage, smart phone, etc).

 

Buy second hand clothes at a thrift shop. Wear underwear at least a few days. Only shower if absolutely needed. Do sponge baths. Let their mother have full custody. Drop the kids at your parents.

I'm afraid my budget won't allow for that sort of thing. Certainly not trolling.
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I would dump your butt so fast, sir, your head would spin.

 

Who do you think you are treating your girlfriend like a nanny and a maid? You are darn lucky she agreed to look after your kids at all since it's YOUR responsibility and it's up to YOU to get the money for child care.

 

She's not even the mother, so realistically, you should be paying her a wage!!

 

On top of it, she has zero obligations to be doing any of your housework. You're not married, she has her own life and she doesn't have to do any of it if she chooses not to.

The only thing she agreed to was watching your children.

 

Then you've got the nerve to come home early and give her heck and treat her like poo and punish all night into the next day.

 

Wow!!

 

If I were her, I would get the heck out of there asap and never look back. Then you really will have to take care of your own mess.

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You are in the wrong to the point that you indeed sound like a troll. She was doing you a favor yet your post reeks of entitlement. Making three lots of dinner because your kids are "fussy"? If any of this post is true, it sounds like you are a spoiled brat and you are passing the trait to your kids.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

This, EXACTLY.

 

Entitlement 100%. As for your children and three meals...No way! Spoilt doesn't even begin to describe this and I'm a mom, so I do know good children from spoilt ones.

 

If you're not a troll, you've got to be one of the biggest jerks I've read about and you can see my post count...lots of people I have come across and you really take the cake!!

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She takes a day off to look after YOUR children (implying they're not hers), does 3 lots of everything and you have the nerve to complain? You actually have a very short working day compared to many and your busy day is lots of people's normal, yet they still manage to raise a smile when they walk through the door.

 

You're grumpy because you've had a busy day. I'd be far more grumpy wasting a day's leave to look after someone else's kids when that person is not even grateful.

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I have to agree with these other posters. Granted, I know nothing of the relationship you guys are in - if the intention is that you are technically co-parenting as partners and there is an equal balance of housework and childcare between the two of you. Unfortunately, though, it doesn't sound that way. It sounds like she was trying to help you out by nannying your kids one day a week and you are taking that miserably for granted.

 

Let me be real: I have a three month old baby at home who naps for half the day and is portable - and can't mouth off to me yet other than screaming her little head off when she's hungry or tired. Even with that, it is a freakin VICTORY if I manage to do housework during the day. If I can shower, stop to eat three meals and even run an errand or two with her in the buggy successfully, my husband - who works, divides the work between us evenly and entered into parenthood willingly with me - kisses me and hugs me when he gets home and praises me for the one tiny insignificant thing I did. This my long way of saying that if it is that difficult for me with my ten years of prior nanny experience (getting paid for it) behind me, I cannot imagine how hard it is for your girlfriend, who had no hand in raising your kids, who has to deal with their attitudes and demands all day while you work. Forgive me sir, but you should be kissing the floor she walks on rather than giving her attitude for not waiting on you and your family hand and foot.

 

If my husband got into it with me about what I've managed to do in the day to the point where I felt the need to justify all that I did, I would be extremely concerned about our marriage. If we were just dating, I'd be out the door.

 

Are your kids alive? Fed? Relatively happy after a day with her? That's literally all that matters.

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Hi Guys

 

This certainly wasn’t a troll, however there is more to it. This is a genuine attempt to assess my situation and if needed do some self analysis if needed. The situation in the original post is exactly what happened however I am male and was the one at home with my girlfriends children, my step children (together 2 years, living together and trying to co-parent.)

 

To be fair to my partner, she does the majority of the cleaning, washing and ironing. I do my best to help where I can. She has told me that I do my fair share and it is definitely not a regular issue. I have a great relationship with my step children and am happy to take days from my leave to share the parenting responsibilities.

 

My initial thoughts on posting this message was to maybe get a bit of support and show her the replies. I agree with all the posts above about her actions not being fair but I think some of the messages may cause her to be upset so I now do not intend to do that. No matter how much I do to help the goalposts always seem to change. I sit down and ask her what more I can do to help and she says that what I’m doing is absolutely fine.

 

I can understand the frustration at coming into a messy kitchen after a busy day but I had planned to have it spotless for her when she was home at the usual time but she surprised me by turning up an hour early without notice. I really don’t want to antagonise and keep this row going, it already seems to have gone too far considering what it’s over. If there’s any advice on how I can sensitively diffuse the situation without having to apologise myself as I don’t feel I should have to, would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you for all the responses. It's helped me get a bit of perspective, backed up my thoughts on the matter and actually helped me to rant it out a bit on here. I feel a bit calmer about the situation now.

 

Cheers

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I agree that you are so far in the wrong that it sounds like you are trolling.

 

Taking care of your kids? Your responsibility. You should thank her.

 

Cooking several meals for them? Your responsibility (and ridiculous!). You should thank her.

 

Doing your laundry? Your responsibility. You should thank her for any part of that she did - whether or not she did it to your liking.

 

Doing the gardening? That is 1/2 your responsibility. You should thank her for doing your 1/2.

 

Dishes? That is 1/2 your responsibility. Actually more - because 4 sets of those dishes are yours to her 1 set... so that’s 80% your responsibility.

 

It’s very hard to feel bad that you had to finish your laundry that she never had to start for you and take on her 20% of the dishes after all she’s done for you.

 

... and I find it had to believe that in the 7.5 hours at work you didn’t stop once to use the washroom where you could have sent her back a text to say «hey - sorry, super busy. Hope all is well and you are having a nice day. Love you!» It is illegal not to let you pee.

 

... and after all she did, you get home and get on her about how allllll that she did was not enough? Ha. She should most definitely break up with you so that she can spend her days off on the beach instead. Seriously.

 

Edited to say: Ahhh... your post came in as I was typing mine. Yes. She is very wrong - for all the reasons I stated above.

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OP, I don't understand the third and fourth paragraphs of your last post because you have written that YOU planned to tidy up but that SHE arrived home early. You also said you weren't going to show her our responses because they show she is being unfair. Again, this is the complete opposite because the consensus is that you're the one being unfair.

 

It now makes me suspect that you can't get your story straight because you made it up to waste everyone's time.

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OP, I don't understand the third and fourth paragraphs of your last post because you have written that YOU planned to tidy up but that SHE arrived home early. You also said you weren't going to show her our responses because they show she is being unfair. Again, this is the complete opposite because the consensus is that you're the one being unfair.

 

It now makes me suspect that you can't get your story straight because you made it up to waste everyone's time.

 

Why would I make this up?

 

I wrote the initial message implying that I was the one acting in the way that my girlfriend did to me yesterday. The fact is, I am the male who was at home all day and had to try to deal with her treating me like she did when she got in from work.

 

Hope that clears it up. One of my thought about writing it from that perspective was because I think if she heard of a guy acting like she did yesterday she would probably think it was terrible but sometimes it's viewed differently when it's a female. Apologies, maybe I should have just written it from my perspective in the first place.

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So - I was thinking about this post a little more. I get that you reversed roles to try to remove the gender bias - but I think that the responses you got may still be tainted by gender bias. Let me explain.

 

Women have really only been able to work for the last 50 years or so. Traditionally, it has been the woman’s responsibility to look after the home. So - while your post came off as extreme and trolling... it’s not outside the realm of possibility that a guy would still feel that way. Unfortunately, many still do. Particularly if the person posting cane from a more traditional society. It’s rooted into the fabric of our society. So - the responses were “he’s a jerk!”.

 

Women don’t have this “base” societal expectation that the man would do all the housework. So - while it’s certainly possible that she is just a selfish jerk, I think there is a higher probability that she is acting out on other frustrations in the relationship.

 

In short:

If a man treats a woman this way, I think that the odds are greater that he’s acting on antiquated societal norms than “acting out” about the relationship.

If a woman treats a man this way, I think the odds are greater that she’s “acting out” about the relationship than relying on societal norms (which don’t exist)

 

In either case, they could just be a jerk.

 

At the end of the day, the behavior isn’t right. Is she usually pretty selfish and entitled? If not, then I think it’s worthwhile to get to the bottom of the relationship problems. If so, you should probs just leave her.

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So - I was thinking about this post a little more. I get that you reversed roles to try to remove the gender bias - but I think that the responses you got may still be tainted by gender bias. Let me explain.

 

Women have really only been able to work for the last 50 years or so. Traditionally, it has been the woman’s responsibility to look after the home. So - while your post came off as extreme and trolling... it’s not outside the realm of possibility that a guy would still feel that way. Unfortunately, many still do. Particularly if the person posting cane from a more traditional society. It’s rooted into the fabric of our society. So - the responses were “he’s a jerk!”.

 

Women don’t have this “base” societal expectation that the man would do all the housework. So - while it’s certainly possible that she is just a selfish jerk, I think there is a higher probability that she is acting out on other frustrations in the relationship.

 

In short:

If a man treats a woman this way, I think that the odds are greater that he’s acting on antiquated societal norms than “acting out” about the relationship.

If a woman treats a man this way, I think the odds are greater that she’s “acting out” about the relationship than relying on societal norms (which don’t exist)

 

In either case, they could just be a jerk.

 

At the end of the day, the behavior isn’t right. Is she usually pretty selfish and entitled? If not, then I think it’s worthwhile to get to the bottom of the relationship problems. If so, you should probs just leave her.

 

Thank you for the detailed response.

 

She is not a selfish person generally, and I know she has a few health concerns as well as it being the time of month that her hormones are unbalanced. I do try to take all of this into account but as a guy it is very difficult not to react when things seem very unfair. Maybe I should have just let her be mad for a bit. She get's no respite from the children. Their father see's them but never overnight and doesn't help with discipline, financially etc. I have said that I'm more than happy to help. I think she has a tendency to feel like she's doing everything (as that's how her previous relationship was) and maybe feels sorry for herself a bit and then gets so caught up in that, she forgets everything that I do for her.

 

I tend to look for solutions because I hate having the same arguments over and over. When we've had a row I like to sit down and see whether there is an underlying issue. I've asked in the past on countless occasions if I do enough around the house, if there's any more I could do and the response is always "No You do more than enough for me and the children" When she's calm she gives me the feeling that I do enough. We then have these blow ups (easily every 2-3 weeks) when she is so harsh towards me and nothing I say will calm her down. Even when I try to talk calmly with her. It's like a rage comes over her and all she wants is to row and it can be about anything! Each time an issue is raised I fix it and then it moves to something new! She is amazing when she's happy but I feel like I'm very calm in the face of a lot being thrown my way and I'm worried that it will become too much!

 

It feels pointless trying to talk to her when she's in one of these moods as she won't listen to anything but then when she's calmed down I enjoy the nice times so don't want spoil things by bringing up old arguments! Arrggg!! Very frustrating!

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It's 3 children (9,15,17) that I have a great relationship with.

 

Her ex is very placid to the point that he can't really be bothered. Nice enough guy but when they split (3 years ago) he moved back with his parents and is still there.

 

I agree that I need to stand up for myself and it's not that I don't. We have a lovely time together generally but she has a whole host of insecurities and always feels she's not good enough when we talk. She get's very upset and I feel there may be a hint of depression maybe with some of the things she's said so I feel I have to tread carefully at times. I've offered financial help for therapy/counselling but she's too proud to take it but can't afford it herself.

 

We feel very much in love when she's calm but the blow ups and arguments are far too frequent for my liking and I just want to resolve what must be some underlying issues but I don't know how to?

 

Can she change or will it always be like this?

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