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Thread: Clear up a row, am I in the wrong

  1. #11
    Hi Guys

    This certainly wasnít a troll, however there is more to it. This is a genuine attempt to assess my situation and if needed do some self analysis if needed. The situation in the original post is exactly what happened however I am male and was the one at home with my girlfriends children, my step children (together 2 years, living together and trying to co-parent.)

    To be fair to my partner, she does the majority of the cleaning, washing and ironing. I do my best to help where I can. She has told me that I do my fair share and it is definitely not a regular issue. I have a great relationship with my step children and am happy to take days from my leave to share the parenting responsibilities.

    My initial thoughts on posting this message was to maybe get a bit of support and show her the replies. I agree with all the posts above about her actions not being fair but I think some of the messages may cause her to be upset so I now do not intend to do that. No matter how much I do to help the goalposts always seem to change. I sit down and ask her what more I can do to help and she says that what Iím doing is absolutely fine.

    I can understand the frustration at coming into a messy kitchen after a busy day but I had planned to have it spotless for her when she was home at the usual time but she surprised me by turning up an hour early without notice. I really donít want to antagonise and keep this row going, it already seems to have gone too far considering what itís over. If thereís any advice on how I can sensitively diffuse the situation without having to apologise myself as I donít feel I should have to, would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you for all the responses. It's helped me get a bit of perspective, backed up my thoughts on the matter and actually helped me to rant it out a bit on here. I feel a bit calmer about the situation now.

    Cheers

  2. #12
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    I agree that you are so far in the wrong that it sounds like you are trolling.

    Taking care of your kids? Your responsibility. You should thank her.

    Cooking several meals for them? Your responsibility (and ridiculous!). You should thank her.

    Doing your laundry? Your responsibility. You should thank her for any part of that she did - whether or not she did it to your liking.

    Doing the gardening? That is 1/2 your responsibility. You should thank her for doing your 1/2.

    Dishes? That is 1/2 your responsibility. Actually more - because 4 sets of those dishes are yours to her 1 set... so thatís 80% your responsibility.

    Itís very hard to feel bad that you had to finish your laundry that she never had to start for you and take on her 20% of the dishes after all sheís done for you.

    ... and I find it had to believe that in the 7.5 hours at work you didnít stop once to use the washroom where you could have sent her back a text to say ęhey - sorry, super busy. Hope all is well and you are having a nice day. Love you!Ľ It is illegal not to let you pee.

    ... and after all she did, you get home and get on her about how allllll that she did was not enough? Ha. She should most definitely break up with you so that she can spend her days off on the beach instead. Seriously.

    Edited to say: Ahhh... your post came in as I was typing mine. Yes. She is very wrong - for all the reasons I stated above.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Your bad day was not her problem. These kids and your home are your responsibility not hers . So kitchen was a mess too bad . There is always housework time to get over it .

  4. #14
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    OP, I don't understand the third and fourth paragraphs of your last post because you have written that YOU planned to tidy up but that SHE arrived home early. You also said you weren't going to show her our responses because they show she is being unfair. Again, this is the complete opposite because the consensus is that you're the one being unfair.

    It now makes me suspect that you can't get your story straight because you made it up to waste everyone's time.

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  6. #15
    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    OP, I don't understand the third and fourth paragraphs of your last post because you have written that YOU planned to tidy up but that SHE arrived home early. You also said you weren't going to show her our responses because they show she is being unfair. Again, this is the complete opposite because the consensus is that you're the one being unfair.

    It now makes me suspect that you can't get your story straight because you made it up to waste everyone's time.
    Why would I make this up?

    I wrote the initial message implying that I was the one acting in the way that my girlfriend did to me yesterday. The fact is, I am the male who was at home all day and had to try to deal with her treating me like she did when she got in from work.

    Hope that clears it up. One of my thought about writing it from that perspective was because I think if she heard of a guy acting like she did yesterday she would probably think it was terrible but sometimes it's viewed differently when it's a female. Apologies, maybe I should have just written it from my perspective in the first place.

  7. #16
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    So - I was thinking about this post a little more. I get that you reversed roles to try to remove the gender bias - but I think that the responses you got may still be tainted by gender bias. Let me explain.

    Women have really only been able to work for the last 50 years or so. Traditionally, it has been the womanís responsibility to look after the home. So - while your post came off as extreme and trolling... itís not outside the realm of possibility that a guy would still feel that way. Unfortunately, many still do. Particularly if the person posting cane from a more traditional society. Itís rooted into the fabric of our society. So - the responses were ďheís a jerk!Ē.

    Women donít have this ďbaseĒ societal expectation that the man would do all the housework. So - while itís certainly possible that she is just a selfish jerk, I think there is a higher probability that she is acting out on other frustrations in the relationship.

    In short:
    If a man treats a woman this way, I think that the odds are greater that heís acting on antiquated societal norms than ďacting outĒ about the relationship.
    If a woman treats a man this way, I think the odds are greater that sheís ďacting outĒ about the relationship than relying on societal norms (which donít exist)

    In either case, they could just be a jerk.

    At the end of the day, the behavior isnít right. Is she usually pretty selfish and entitled? If not, then I think itís worthwhile to get to the bottom of the relationship problems. If so, you should probs just leave her.

  8. #17
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    OP, do you work?

  9. #18
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    Whoever came home acting like an entitled person was wrong.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Whoever came home acting like an entitled person was wrong.

    I agree.

    Op, next time, write the story as it happened. This was not fair to your readers.

  11. #20
    Originally Posted by RedDress
    So - I was thinking about this post a little more. I get that you reversed roles to try to remove the gender bias - but I think that the responses you got may still be tainted by gender bias. Let me explain.

    Women have really only been able to work for the last 50 years or so. Traditionally, it has been the womanís responsibility to look after the home. So - while your post came off as extreme and trolling... itís not outside the realm of possibility that a guy would still feel that way. Unfortunately, many still do. Particularly if the person posting cane from a more traditional society. Itís rooted into the fabric of our society. So - the responses were ďheís a jerk!Ē.

    Women donít have this ďbaseĒ societal expectation that the man would do all the housework. So - while itís certainly possible that she is just a selfish jerk, I think there is a higher probability that she is acting out on other frustrations in the relationship.

    In short:
    If a man treats a woman this way, I think that the odds are greater that heís acting on antiquated societal norms than ďacting outĒ about the relationship.
    If a woman treats a man this way, I think the odds are greater that sheís ďacting outĒ about the relationship than relying on societal norms (which donít exist)

    In either case, they could just be a jerk.

    At the end of the day, the behavior isnít right. Is she usually pretty selfish and entitled? If not, then I think itís worthwhile to get to the bottom of the relationship problems. If so, you should probs just leave her.
    Thank you for the detailed response.

    She is not a selfish person generally, and I know she has a few health concerns as well as it being the time of month that her hormones are unbalanced. I do try to take all of this into account but as a guy it is very difficult not to react when things seem very unfair. Maybe I should have just let her be mad for a bit. She get's no respite from the children. Their father see's them but never overnight and doesn't help with discipline, financially etc. I have said that I'm more than happy to help. I think she has a tendency to feel like she's doing everything (as that's how her previous relationship was) and maybe feels sorry for herself a bit and then gets so caught up in that, she forgets everything that I do for her.

    I tend to look for solutions because I hate having the same arguments over and over. When we've had a row I like to sit down and see whether there is an underlying issue. I've asked in the past on countless occasions if I do enough around the house, if there's any more I could do and the response is always "No You do more than enough for me and the children" When she's calm she gives me the feeling that I do enough. We then have these blow ups (easily every 2-3 weeks) when she is so harsh towards me and nothing I say will calm her down. Even when I try to talk calmly with her. It's like a rage comes over her and all she wants is to row and it can be about anything! Each time an issue is raised I fix it and then it moves to something new! She is amazing when she's happy but I feel like I'm very calm in the face of a lot being thrown my way and I'm worried that it will become too much!

    It feels pointless trying to talk to her when she's in one of these moods as she won't listen to anything but then when she's calmed down I enjoy the nice times so don't want spoil things by bringing up old arguments! Arrggg!! Very frustrating!

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