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Thread: I work with my ex and Im still in love with her

  1. #1
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    I work with my ex and Im still in love with her

    Hi all,

    I've written here before and it has really helped. I figured I would give it a try again. For a bit of back story:

    Prior to dating my ex was a girl I knew for two years and was INCREDIBLY smitten with. We would quietly "like" each others instagram posts but didnt know each other that well. She contacted me asking if there were any jobs open where I worked, so I did my best to get her hired. I eventually found out she was interested in me so I got up the courage to ask her out. On our third date she mentioned that she didnt know if she was ready for a new relationship (she had basically been a serial monogamist since she was 18). She had been single for about four months, but wanted to find herself. We talked about it. I didnt pressure her but we decided to give it a go.

    About a month in she tells me that during a dark period after her previous break up she began sexting with her first cousin. They never got further than that. I accepted it. I told her people do things theyre not proud of when rebounding. During the course of our relationship there was a LOT of indecisiveness about where we stood. She would periodically be uncertain about "us", so I would say "lets break up/go on a break, and when youre ready, maybe we can pick this up." We would try it and within a week she would come back desperately missing me. It was hard to say no to her.

    Looking back there were other little things. Her inviting me to a renaissance fest, only to cancel because she forgot she made a promise to go with her best friend. Choosing to hang with her best friend rather than coming to support me at my art opening, then showing up late because her friend canceled. She would constantly harp on not connecting with me on a deeper level, which was partly my fault. I felt that I needed to be on guard in case she left. I couldnt let my guard down, admittedly.

    Then I find out she was comparing my parents in a conversation with her brother to her exes parents, who she loved. I also saw in her journal once while she was writing in it (not TRYING to read it, or not consciously anyway) where she brought up a time when I jokingly mentioned marriage. She wrote that staying with me would be settling. I never brought it up to her. Im sure it wasnt to do with looks. She definitely found me attractive - she told me so frequently. I think maybe it was more to do with the lack of connection, or differing interests maybe.

    Then I came to find out that she had began texting with her cousin again. That she had feelings for him, etc. Clearly it wasnt over between them, though it did end for a while. We discussed it and she showed me the texts where they talked about their mutual "desire", but it didnt go further than that. Still emotionally cheating in my book.

    I broke it off with her after a year and a half. At first I was pissed and disgusted. Happy to be free of it. I DO see her at work, but we dont have to interact really. We hung out to discuss things once for closures sake. I told her that I felt that she never really gave us a chance. That she always had one foot in and one out. That her heart was closed. She laughed which upset me. She immediately apologized but disagreed. That was in January I believe. Maybe March.

    Lately Ive been missing her a great deal. I still find her to be the most beautiful and perfectly attractive person Ive ever seen. I still think about all of the wonderful times and the way being with her made me feel (like I had won at life). I am still very much in love with her. I just found out she has a new boyfriend. Im not the best looking guy, but her new bf is definitely not as good looking as me (objectively speaking). That does make me feel a little better and I know thats not all that matters which is why since Ive found out I have been dying inside. She is all I can think about. Im obsessing over this. I feel like I want to throw up and cry when I see her.

    My question is how do I get over this girl. I cant imagine a more perfect dream woman for me. If only I didnt have to see her. The sad thing is, if she came back to me tomorrow, I dont know what I would do. I like to think I would refuse. The knowledge that she realized her mistake would be enough solace for me. Every gf Ive ever had has come back at some point, but no contact doesnt really work when you work together.

    Since breaking up Ive moved to a nicer apartment in a great part of the city, lost 20lbs, and Im joining a gym tomorrow. Im trying to bury myself in work and self improvement but its not working. My friends are all married and settled and never go out so I dont really meet new people. Im terrible at Tinder lol.

    How can I get over this person? Any Ideas? I know the facts. I know as beautiful as I find her to be, her personality and weird cousin thing is not good. I can rationalize all the reasons I shouldnt care. But at the end of the day I cant change my attraction or love that I feel like a switch.

    Thank you for taking time to read all of this. I know its bananas. Im just too close to this to know what to do and dont know who to talk to.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She sounds a bit flaky and out there. Lust is gut-level that's all.

  3. #3
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    Do you mean what Iím feeling?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're still stung and hurt over her flakiness. You put yourself out there to get her a job and help her move out to where you are and she turned out not to be what you thought she was, with a whole lot of baggage on top of that.

    Holly's mentioned it before in another thread: "Don't date projects." This would be very apt for you. Avoid individuals who look like a lot of work from the get-go and don't try forcing a square peg in a round hole, so to speak. This person is all over the map.

    Eventually be more realistic about the way you view her because she's not beautiful and she's not your dream woman. Dream women very rarely treat people like this so you'll have to take off those rose-coloured lenses eventually and call it what it is. Also please don't settle for on/off relationships. Your approach to fixing those issues or dealing with her was not right. If there are issues, deal with them as a couple. Don't initiate break ups only to get together again. This instability just affects you in the long term and your own emotional/mental health.

    Learn from your mistakes and stop beating yourself up over it. Take her off that high pedestal.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I'm going to have to say your obsessiveness with her, and trying to get her is what the issue is. Ya gotta step back and see if they even like you romantically. You totally forced things, getting her hired and all that like a master plan. ick. What I see is you as an orbiter, friend zoned, self entitled to her love, doormat. All the things girls do not like. I agree that is gut leveling. You need to get a hold of yourself man, yer killing yourself over a girl that really wasn't into you. The old saying "You can't always get what you want..." and you desire most what you can't have. You need to stop this way of thinking. Acceptance is your savior.
    And biggest tip of all, never ever date/get involved with someone you work with. You can't escape it seeing her everyday...so much punishment that could have been avoided.
    I agree learn from this, learn and grow, and go forward with this knowledge that has been put forth to you.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    I'm going to have to say your obsessiveness with her, and trying to get her is what the issue is. Ya gotta step back and see if they even like you romantically. You totally forced things, getting her hired and all that like a master plan. ick. What I see is you as an orbiter, friend zoned, self entitled to her love, doormat. All the things girls do not like. I agree that is gut leveling. You need to get a hold of yourself man, yer killing yourself over a girl that really wasn't into you. The old saying "You can't always get what you want..." and you desire most what you can't have. You need to stop this way of thinking. Acceptance is your savior.
    And biggest tip of all, never ever date/get involved with someone you work with. You can't escape it seeing her everyday...so much punishment that could have been avoided.
    I agree learn from this, learn and grow, and go forward with this knowledge that has been put forth to you.
    I want to be clear that I didnít get her the job as part of a master plan lol. I liked her at the time, and I put a good word in for her. But I didnít ever think Iíd bother to ask her out when that happened. The only reason I did was because a mutual friend told me she was into me. Very high school. It was a sure thing that I thought I could handle if things went badly.

    Iím certainly NOT orbiting, going out of my way to interact, or even look in her direction for that matter. Iím trying to get her out of my head. Not torture myself. If I didnít need to be at this specific job, Iíd leave it.

    But yeah. I would NEVER date a coworker again. I thought I would come out the strong one, so I didnít worry about it. I was wrong.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    This girl is plain weird. Stay away from abnormal people. If anything she did you a huge favor by having a new unlucky guy in her dating world.

    Develop feelings of indifference and go your own way. Remain professional at work, do you job, earn your paycheck and go home in that order.

    Get your head out of the sand regarding attraction because it's only skin deep. You know the real her which is unsavory. Know the difference between a normal lady and a woman who is not all there mentally. She's too unstable, strange, has no qualms having feelings for her cousin, compares your parents to her ex's parents, tells her brother about this, unreliable dating you, flaky, doesn't wish to "settle" with you regarding marriage and she is nothing but red flags all over the place! Why would you want to create unnecessary stress for yourself? She sounds like a real nut case.

    Take a cold shower, splash cold water on your face and wake up. Then you'll realize that you need to see this picture here for what it is instead of imagining what you want which is unrealistic, delusional and impractical for everyday living.

    Other than exercising and moving up with your life which is commendable, surround yourself with normal, healthy, respectable people. Happy people are with respectable people who know how to behave properly and honorably. They'll influence you to become very picky and choosy regarding whom you allow into your life and who doesn't pass muster.

    You get over it by accepting this harsh reality check about numerous character flaws and her incurable defects. This is what I do whenever I want someone back into my life and it didn't work out.

    Character problems are #1. If you're not on the same page regarding treating each other with common decency, common courtesy and respect, ALL relationships (and friendships) flounder and fail.

  9. #8
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    You tried a thing. It didn't work out, but I'll bet you learned a lot along the way. Maybe some good things. Maybe some bad. Now you get some time to reflect on what you've learned. The way she laughed when you told her how you saw things trying to get closure... you were probably not entirely accurate. But at the same time, you were right when you broke up that she wasn't for you.

    And she still isn't. You don't want her, you want someone who is on the same page as you, whatever that looks like for you. This girl never was that.

    Someone "liking" you is never a sure thing. Nothing is a sure thing. You've gotta live life with your palms open instead of closed. Accepting the good and the bad. Maybe it's time to reimagine yourself. Start looking for another job. If you can't get out of this situation, try and find something social after work or on weekends that you can put your energy into. Sports, volunteering, art, music, games, something. Tinder won't do much for you if you don't have anything interesting going on in your life. Being buried in your work and working out and pining for an ex isn't interesting. It's so uninteresting that you look to either your recent interesting past or some imagined interesting future just as a means of escaping your life. But it's the present that you need to work on - not the past.

  10. #9
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    Don't get what you see in her, other than looks (shallow) . This relationship has been full of drama and instability from the start. Do you usually like women to treat you like crap?

    The bit about the cousin and s disturbing, plus she cheated on you.

    I think that you need to stop being a doormat and address your lack of self respect. You should also seek a new job.

    Move on!

  11. #10
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    Why aren't you making new friends? I am 55 and make new friends. Get out there! Join Meetups, volunteer, join clubs. Do something. No excuse.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-31-2019 at 09:24 PM.

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