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Thread: Dumped for the 3th time, struggling to move on :(

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    Do you have a link to that post? Thanks!
    I found an article on the internet about those 3 phases and it fits so well. For a year and a half, she sent my cards, gifts, idolized me like I was the best person in the world. I have to admit that felt awesome. I remember telling my sister that she would do anything for me. Untill all of a sudden it stopped. She became distant, the idolizing and lovebombing stopped. She even said literally (out of the blue) that she didnít know she wanted to be in a relationship. I became insecure, but the didnít seem to care much. From that moment she wanted to go out alone a lot and her priority was on being with friends and going out and I felt going from number 1 on her proirity list to number 4/5. I lost a lot of self worth and self esteem due to this behaviour. Sometimes we got into fights because she crossed my boundaries, but I always ended up apoligizing for something she did. Like she didnít care..

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Well done Pik....The veil is being lifted....Your eyes are opening....The picture is becoming clear.....

    Doesn't mean the recovery is any less painful but it does help to understand a bit of this stuff.....

    Glad you're researching as I wasn't referring to any posts in here per se'.....
    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    I lost a lot of self worth and self esteem due to this behaviour.
    Yes and as you study a bit more down this path you will see that recovery can take a long time because it runs so deep....

    So again I say, keep doing the right things and what the others have suggested....but be patient and kind to yourself*

    Carus*

    EDIT: Just another thought: There are quite a few channels out there spouting that "Your ex is a narcissist. They are evil. They are a monster...Hate them!!"....

    Please don't go down that route Pik....Yes some people are purposefully evil but like in my case, my ex is a covert/altruistic narcissistic which makes it difficult for her to maintain a long term relationship, but she is by no means evil...She actually means very well in the world.....

    Hate leads to the dark side....You can heal without it*

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Well done Pik....The veil is being lifted....Your eyes are opening....The picture is becoming clear.....

    Doesn't mean the recovery is any less painful but it does help to understand a bit of this stuff.....

    Glad you're researching as I wasn't referring to any posts in here per se'.....

    Yes and as you study a bit more down this path you will see that recovery can take a long time because it runs so deep....

    So again I say, keep doing the right things and what the others have suggested....but be patient and kind to yourself*

    Carus*

    EDIT: Just another thought: There are quite a few channels out there spouting that "Your ex is a narcissist. They are evil. They are a monster...Hate them!!"....

    Please don't go down that route Pik....Yes some people are purposefully evil but like in my case, my ex is a covert/altruistic narcissistic which makes it difficult for her to maintain a long term relationship, but she is by no means evil...She actually means very well in the world.....

    Hate leads to the dark side....You can heal without it*
    It indeed doesnít take away the pain, but it helps knowing that this process of ďLovebombing - Devalueing - DiscardingĒ will keep on repeating itself in her future relationships. I spent a lot of time blaming myself what I could have done differently, but I have to stop that. It doesnít matter anymore anyways.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    .....but it helps knowing that this process of ďLovebombing - Devalueing - DiscardingĒ will keep on repeating itself in her future relationships.
    Heh....Well that is you still wishing her ill will....but you're only early into your healing so I'll give you that one :)

    Yeh man, we coulda done this and we coulda done that....but in the end, it woulda ended anyway....

    So don't beat yourself up too much, but do learn the lessons you now have an opportunity to learn*

    Please let us know if she orbits back around again so we can help to keep you strong....The chances are fairly high that she will*

    Carus*

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Oh gosh I disagree very much.

    Not only does the google diagnose your ex method often leave people stuck in healing for weeks months and for some even years, pikachu knew full well she was a cheater when he got with her, she cheated with him!!! He thought nothing of it even made statements like Ďher boyfriend was there but she paid attention to me the whole nightí he got a kick out of the ego boost, how does villainizing her help him recognize his own role in all this? His willingness to hurt someone else and himself all to get the girl? I personally think his time is better spent taking the rose colored glasses off, this relationship was built on a foundation of cheating, his friends and family warned him, people on this board warned him and he kept going back. Thatís the issue. Not her, sheís a cheater, she selfish and immature, she is who she is, she never hid that, he chose her as a partner anyway, thatís huge, thatís the issue in my eyes.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best way to steer clear of women like this is to build your self esteem through your own accomplishments, your integrity. Do this by taking classes or courses you like or things you would like to learn/accomplish, joining clubs and groups that interest you, volunteering etc. Focus on your profession and interests.

    Get in shape, improve your diet and activity level, update your image, get some new clothes, haircut etc. Work on yourself and you won't need superficial flattery and attention. Your 'self worth' comes from you not others.
    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    For a year and a half, she sent my cards, gifts, idolized me like I was the best person in the world. I have to admit that felt awesome. the idolizing and lovebombing stopped.

    I lost a lot of self worth and self esteem due to this behaviour.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Oh gosh I disagree very much.

    Not only does the google diagnose your ex method often leave people stuck in healing for weeks months and for some even years, pikachu knew full well she was a cheater when he got with her, she cheated with him!!! He thought nothing of it even made statements like Ďher boyfriend was there but she paid attention to me the whole nightí he got a kick out of the ego boost, how does villainizing her help him recognize his own role in all this? His willingness to hurt someone else and himself all to get the girl? I personally think his time is better spent taking the rose colored glasses off, this relationship was built on a foundation of cheating, his friends and family warned him, people on this board warned him and he kept going back. Thatís the issue. Not her, sheís a cheater, she selfish and immature, she is who she is, she never hid that, he chose her as a partner anyway, thatís huge, thatís the issue in my eyes.
    I made an immature decision 4 years ago to chase a girl who had a boyfriend. And yes itís the reason Iím heartbroken now.
    The fact I took her back almost instantly last march is indeed the real problem. I just was happy with my quick fix and I guess I was just waiting for a third chance with her. She was my first love, and Iím afraid to never find that connection with someone else. Many of my friends are getting married, moving in together. I want that too..

  9. #48
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    The thought of her moving in with someone else or having a new boyfriend makes me feel sick instantly :(

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    The thought of her moving in with someone else or having a new boyfriend makes me feel sick instantly :(
    Have you blocked her from contacting you? Have you unfollowed her on Instagram? Have you deleted her contact info from your phone and computer? Are you refraining from asking friends what she's doing?

  11. #50
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    I made an immature decision 4 years ago to chase a girl who had a boyfriend. And yes itís the reason Iím heartbroken now.
    The fact I took her back almost instantly last march is indeed the real problem. I just was happy with my quick fix and I guess I was just waiting for a third chance with her. She was my first love, and Iím afraid to never find that connection with someone else. Many of my friends are getting married, moving in together. I want that too..
    No.

    Your immature decision 4 years ago is the real problem. You did not and most likely are still not looking out for your best interests. There were red flags waving everywhere with her, there was another person in this situation who you hurt and weíre probably in competition with( her ex ) and you dove in head first, convincing yourself she would never do the same to you, but lets be honest, you never truly believed that, you never trusted her, which led to your last break up, she made it out to be your fault, it wasnít. Your relationship was over before it began.

    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    The thought of her moving in with someone else or having a new boyfriend makes me feel sick instantly :(
    Of course it does, think about it, your ultimate fear came true, you became her ex. I have no doubt that was in the back of your mind since 2015.

    I realize you donít feel it now, but this has so little to do with her. Something in you ignored all logic to go forward with her and whatever that is in you... you will do it again if she comes back. Somethings broken in you pikachu. I think it may be wise to see someone if itís possible.

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