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Thread: I think I screwed up, dont know how to fix it

  1. #1
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    I think I screwed up, dont know how to fix it

    My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant and have been unsuccessful thus far. Unfortunately my wife is kind of letting this run her life and is always sad that she isnt pregnant yet. She is constantly talking about how sad she is about it or talking about pregnancy in general. For months I've been supporting her and trying to give her other things to focus on and I think been very supportive.

    Before I go further, I work as a prosecutor and I handle murder cases. My days at work are filled with dealing with families of people who had loved ones murdered and all sorts of sad things. I think I cope with it well and my house was always my safe space to get happy after work.

    I dont know what got over me today, but I had a long day at work and get home and immediately my wife starts telling me again how sad she is. Instead of being supportive like I usually am, for some reason I told her today that we have a great life, she is focusing on this one thing too much and she needs to focus on the good things in her life. She didnt like that answer and told me she wasnt looking for me to give her advice and she is allowed to be sad and was just communicating how she was feeling to me. I responded basically that I deal with sadness all day at work and now I deal with sadness all day when I get home and made a comment about how depressing of a life that is. Again, I dont know why I said that, it just kind of came out.

    I know those arent the right things to say and I know I screwed up. But honestly I cant deal anymore with being surrounded by downers all day at work and at my house without worrying about my own mental health. It's like I've lost my safe space. But more importantly I also feel really bad for her because she is so sad, but I don't know what i can do. I mean we are actively trying to fix the situation. I went and got my sperm tested. She is going to a fertility doctor after my results came back fine. Everything else in our life good, and I see so many people through my job in such worse situations that I really think she needs to spend more time thinking about all we have instead of the one thing we don't. What can I do?

  2. #2
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    You said exactly the right thing. People need to be more grateful for the lives and things they have that are going well, and stop focusing on what they don't have an being sad and overly consumed about it. I was watching The View today, and they showed a clip of Kourtney Kardashian who was whining about turning 40 and not being where she though she'd be in life by now. No one told her to have three kids with a man who doesn't give a flip about her, then wonder why she's not happy. Meghan McCain chimed in and basically said the same thing I did, and also talked about how some people can't even feed their families, and this girl and her family have millions of dollars and she's unhappy - give us all a break!!!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Focus less on the inadequacies of your wife and repair the feelings of stress (engage in better stress management) away from work. It's not unusual for our work lives to interfere with our home lives (even vice versa when home becomes too much) so some mingling and blurriness is understandable some days. We all have tough days. Try and put things in perspective and resist the urge to tell someone else how they should feel especially when it comes to your significant other. Respect each other enough to at least allow for your individual feelings to surface and acknowledge each other as equals in the relationship. Validate each other. Do not break each other down. Support each other and pick your battles.

    You should be managing your stresses at work a bit better. Try not to use your wife's emotions as a scapegoat or take out your stress from work on her seemingly pathetic outlook on life. I'm sure you respect her a lot more than that and this is a phase in your marriage.

    My husband and I have had some trials along the way (many differences but also many thoughts and a plenitude of vibrant discussions). We have out with it, things we don't understand and want to understand/engage in with each other, and I understand his concerns whether personal or otherwise. We may not always agree but we try to respect each others' views.

    Your wife wants a family so her emotions will differ from yours. She's looking at the glass half empty and you see it half full. Together, you are both able to see the glass a little full and a little empty. There's strength in seeing both sides. Come together. Don't hurt each other for your differences. If you trust and have faith in your marriage, you'll eventually extend your understanding towards each other bit by bit, day by day. Just as you may seem fed up with her sadness, you are lucky too that you have a wife and a partner in life. Take the good with the bad and see everything in the big picture including your wife.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You can't undo the past. Tell her you're sorry for reminding her to be grateful for her life. From now on, no matter how down and tired you are after work, lend an ear, tell her you're sad just like she is, however, you're hopeful for the future. Whenever she feels sad, uplift her and be an encouragement because this is your job as a morally supportive husband. You have to be selfless when it comes to making her feel better and not so sad. Distract her with mentally healthy thoughts and activities.

    In the past, whenever I've complained to my husband regarding serious concerns whether it was financial or regarding health, he too reminded me about how other people are worse off than we were. His reminders and lectures of "teaching" me how to be grateful infuriated me all the more because everyone has their own troubles. What may be trivial and inconsequential to one person is indeed a very huge, serious worry for another person. No one knows what it feels like to have personal worries unless they've walked a mile in my shoes. I "reminded" my husband that I did not appreciate comparisons between my worries and another person's angst. Another person's trials are not my problem. I have enough of my troubles of my own. After I explained it to him, he backed down and has since stopped reminding me about other people's lives compared to what worries me a lot. Everyone's pains are very individual and comparing worries among people is quite unfair and unrealistic.

    What can you do? Just be kind. Be nice. Be understanding, say soft words and your wife will appreciate your compassion. Be hopeful and tell her both of you will never give up. Lift her up. Don't drag her down. That's what you can do.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Marriage therapy, even when married this briefly, could help you both decompress and communicate better. Leave work at work. Everyone thinks their job is stressful and/or important. As far as fertility/kids, that is something that is a discussion for a couple. She wants to go back to therapy so support that. Not the "life coach' but a real doctor/psychologist.

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    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    I actually want to ask you why you feel like being honest with her, in what seems like a perfectly respectful manner, is "screwing up"? You are her partner, and the person closest to her. Are you not allowed to occasionally and gently give her feedback like this?

    While I commend you for your ability to see that perhaps you could've been more sensitive (if you were harsher than intended), my feeling is that in a marriage you should be able to discuss these types of concerns openly. It's not the same as putting her down or being unnecessarily critical. In fact, she might need to hear it from you to help her have a different perspective. While she can't control your work environment and isn't responsible for how you feel coming home at the end of the day, her constant ruminating in negativity will only make the process of figuring out the fertility issues harder (and stress will make getting pregnant very difficult).

    I encourage marriage counselling because if this stage is posing some difficulty between you two, certainly going through pregnancy and after with all the fluctuating hormones, life change and sleep deprivation will be even more of a challenge. Every couple - even a solid one - can benefit from that kind of guidance.

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    I agree with LuvsLuv.

    Others make it sound like you've done/said something majorly wrong, are some kind of really unsupportive/impatient guy and that its your issue alone to sort out your work/home life balance.

    Whereas it sounds like you're the opposite, supportive and patient as can be, but even the most supportive and patient person can only take so much. If your wife is sad for months and keeps unloading it on you about something that you either cannot fix or have done/are doing all in your power to fix (which sounds like you have) then I think that's unfair as well and of course at some point you're going to say something she doesn't want to hear. I mean how long does she expect to keep unloading on you for? If I went off on my boyfriend for months on end too about something that he doesn't have the power to change, he too would lose his patience and probably he'd even show me the door.

    It's not like you've wronged her in some way, it's human biology, it is what it is, and at some point she needs to woman-up and make lemonade out of the lemons that she was dealt. And it sounds like the lemons she was dealt with are 95% better than most.

    Of course people are allowed to feel sad and express that to their partner - just as I think its fair to have a bad or stressful day at work and to be able to go home and talk it out (so I don't know if I agree with this concept to leave work at work cold turkey) - and to expect a supportive ear in return, but if the sadness or stress seems to be a constant to the point where you are making your partner feel guilty about it or responsible for it, or expect your partner to fix it, that's when it becomes too much, and she needs to look within herself as well.

    If you two aren't able to get pregnant despite all the fertility treatments out there, then I think at some point she needs to accept her fate, and learn to find her happiness in what she does have control over. And you telling her that look at all the other incredible stuff there is to see and do on this planet, what's so wrong about that?

    My mom has been letting it out on my dad about how sad she is that they didnt make a particular move to a different town some 30 years ago, despite all us kids growing up and thriving just fine in the town where we ended up staying, with my parents also having the means to enjoy all of lifes' pleasures. But instead she has just wasted all these years not able to let it go, and my poor dad hears about it practically every day for 30 years!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    There is a fine line between being supportive and becoming an enabler of negative behavior. What you said, should have been said awhile ago. What came over you was honesty...and being fed up. Thing is that you need to learn to be honest with your wife before you reach that point of frustration because it will allow you to sit down and talk about things more constructively, instead of just snapping.

    Bottom line is that while she is entitled to feel however she feels, she is not entitled to take it out on her spouse constantly and if her behavior is starting to take a toll on you and your well being, then you have an absolute right to speak up and address the issues.

    How you fix this is by sitting down and addressing with her the fact that her constant sadness has become untenable. She either figures out how to lessen the burden on you on her own or she needs to seek some counseling for it or both. Part of a healthy relationship is being able to be honest with each other, having hard conversations, and coming up with some solutions that mutually work.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    What she said was right though......even though it may be true what you said, she's just venting and wants you to listen.

    Well, hopefully, her complaining about no pregnancy will be a temporary thing.

    As far as work goes, that's a tough job. Maybe you could find another specialty?

  11. #10
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    It may not have been what you said, but how you said it. No doubt your work is incredibly stressful. And it sounds like home is quite stressful as well. You don't need to apologize for what you said. But, it may be helpful to approach your wife to talk about how the stress is affecting both of you.

    She is going to be sad. As a female who is not able to have children (and truly did want to), there is a longing that is indescribable. She feels like her body is failing her and YOU. It is something that is totally out of her control and she is having a really tough time dealing with that. Let her be sad. Let her express these things to you; she wants you to know that she feels like she is disappointing you and that you love her regardless.

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