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Thread: Sometimes I wonder if my bf is gay...

  1. #1
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    Sometimes I wonder if my bf is gay...

    Hey y’all. Ive been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We are in a long distance relationship but spend a few months together, and a few months apart. He says I’m the one and he wants to get married, have a kid, provide for our future family & talks about our future often. I really love him too and this may be the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had buttt he is far from your average male & theres some BIG questions I sometimes have about his sexuality.

    Its confusing because he lives in a very liberal society (more so than mine relatively) with a lot of openly gay people and fairly non existent gender roles. He is 31 now, so I have no idea why he wouldn’t just be himself/come out if he was. He seems to truly and genuinely love me. Our sex is frequent and good and its obvious that he’s attracted to me as well as other girls... although Ive know very gay men who are wierdly attracted to women too. However, theres a lot of things that most people would find suspicious at best.

    First thing I noticed about him is he is REALLY into fashion. Now thats of course normal with many straight guys but he will spend loads of money on “fly” outfits. Soft cozy things, silky pink things, sparkly fabrics, and has more shoes than I do. He trims his beard obsessively bc he can’t stand it not looking perfect. He’s a bit ocd though so that could be part of it.

    But more than just fashion for himself, he’s into dressing me, almost like his own little barbie doll. He has a look that he likes in particular which is this 90s r&b thing and has really tried to steer me in that direction… Some might find this controlling but I don’t really mind that much, actually I think its fun that I can discuss these things with him (like finally a bf that has an opinion), and tend to agree with his taste 98% of the time. I think I look better and have embraced my african heritage a lot more for it… although I think he fetishizes women of color a little because of the music he listens to (I’m mixed race, he’s white) but thats a different topic.

    Anyway, he is always asking what I will wear when we go out and he REALLY enjoys shopping with me and picking out things for me to try. When he really likes something on me he will offer to pay if I’m even THINKING about not getting it. He even surprises me with me nice/expensive clothes and tells me how amazing I look in them… Although he doesn’t really take me out on dates to wear these clothes, we mostly go out as a group with his friends or work at his house (as freelancers). Although Ive discussed this with him and he apologized and promised he could change... I’m always planning things to do with him when were in my city though and he likes it.

    Down to every detail he is interested in my appearance wanting me to try certain hairstyles, jewelry, and is even super curious about how I apply my makeup. He even once said he wanted to do my makeup and asked if there was a way he could correct his skin imperfections without it being obvious… I ended up helping him choose a tinted sunscreen haha. Lately he even sometimes helps me reapply my lipliner/lipstick when were out! He doesn’t mind coming into makeup stores with me and giving me his opinions, also buying me stuff sometimes… one time he even tried on a black lipstick himself (I guess for shts and giggles,,, I hope??) He is creative likes to paint my nails with entire detailed scenes on them (actually he’s really good at it!), and even sympathies with me when I break one lol.

    Another thing is his best friend (who also dates girls and has had ltr's with them). They have been friends since high school so obviously they are very close… So i really don’t know what to think when I find out his friend always wants to sleep over, sleep in the same bed as my bf, and they have even showered together to “save time before going to the club”. Apparently this friend admires my bf’s Dck and has funny nicknames for it!!! Has even asked him if I’m enjoying it !!!! All this my boyfriend has told me voluntarily, but he still prioritizes me above his friends when I’m visiting for those few months.

    I mean the friend is a bit immature for his age (also 31) but this seems a little bit much to me.

    Ive asked him point blank in the least judgmental way possible if he’s bi or ever been into guys in any way and he told me no. He’s a really good guy though and I feel we get along great, with a lot in common, but a lot of mixed signals here sexuality wise.

    Sooo I’m wondering what you guys think. Just some quirks or do you think is he secretly into dudes? Again, I don’t really mind any of this behavior if thats who he is, I just don’t want to be played for a fool and feel that I should have seen it coming.

  2. #2
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    o i really don’t know what to think when I find out his friend always wants to sleep over, sleep in the same bed as my bf, and they have even showered together to “save time before going to the club”.

    This is the one thing that would worry me UNLESS they lived in a society where shower water was at a premium and families showered together. But the bed thing, the admiring the penis thing are over the line. Also, what is his culture. In some European cultures, friends hold hands male or female it doesn't matter and its not romantic and people live in smaller spaces and sleep together and are regularly nude around family and its nothing sexual.

    I would tell him flat out that you are uncomfortable and will not continue to date him if the friend sleeps in his bed and showers with him.

    As far as clothing - depending on what country he's from, pink or blue aren't necessarily tied to gender and men's garments can have pink in them.
    And as far as buying you clothes, you seem to like it

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Our sex is frequent and good and its obvious that he’s attracted to me as well as other girls... although Ive know very gay men who are wierdly attracted to women too. However, theres a lot of things that most people would find suspicious at best.
    If he's attracted to both sexes he is bisexual. Not gay and "weirdly" attracted to women.

    I agree with the above poster that the part where they shower together and his friend having a firm opinion on his penis is what's concerning about your story. Who cares if he likes fashion and is passionate about design? Get out of stereotyping gay men and address the real information you have.

  4. #4
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    I would not date someone who thought it was ok to sleep with a man and shower with him and talk about his private parts in that way. Would you be comfortable having this going on in your home especially if you have a child with him ? Maybe you are. Sounds like you wouldn’t be. And I think that combined with his focus on female fashion suggests he is interested in exploring sexual activity with men. Whether or not he actually goes that far. If it was just the fashion I wouldn’t be sure.

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    The very first word that popped into my mind when reading your post was 'metrosexual.'

    The definition of metrosexual via Merriam-Webster is: a usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments, and fashionable clothes.

    Given what you've written, it seems pretty fitting to me. But I urge you to do more research on the topic since you, of course, know him better than anyone.

  7. #6
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    Your first tow reasons are bad stereotypes, but the last bit would alert me to him being bi: sleep in the same bed as my bf, and they have even showered together to “save time before going to the club”. Apparently this friend admires my bf’s Dck and has funny nicknames for it!!! H

    This would not be cool for me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Can we back this up a little? Back up from the sexuality stuff for a second. That was a funny pun, by the way (SGH: "firm opinion on his --").

    If we cut out the confusing dialogue of sexuality, this is what we have: A man who sleeps in the same bed as another person (even though he's in a relationship with you). This person also likes to joke about intimate body parts he's seen and he shares a closeness and friendship with your boyfriend that (with all talk of gender and sexuality aside), seem inappropriate. You've been dating one year, a little over a year, and he's promising you marriage, calling you the one and is wanting to have kids with you. In addition, this is a long distance relationship where you are not privy to seeing each other more frequently or engaging in any other couple-like activities. This means that you don't get to see each other often enough to really know what the other person is like even on the dating front (we are not talking marriage or kids here). If you are feeling mixed signals, I think you should.

    Take a deep breath and ask yourself whether this person is who you think he is and be a bit more realistic about the third party bed friends and the fact that this is a long distance relationship paired with the fact that he seems so sure you're the one. I'm very sorry, OP. I don't think any of us need to be math nerds to figure out this isn't adding up.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Well, I do personally know two homosexual men who married and used women to show a false facade to the world, pretending to be heterosexual, so it can and has happened.

    It doesn't sound like he's big on hiding anything, so it's hard to tell what's going on. I do have to say that since he and his friend have been so close for more than a decade, sleeping and showering together, that you can likely expect the same even if you end up living with or marrying this man. So what you see is what you get. Don't expect this to change.

    And is his regular partying with friends how you want to live your life? He said he would change, but that will make him resent you once the honeymoon stage is over with. Choose someone you don't want to change, because he has the right to his likes and dislikes, and how he wants to live his life.

    Perhaps someone you're not second-guessing and being worried about would be a better match.

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    The sleeping and showering is definitely CRAZY, but since he is trying to emulate Black R&B culture, Black men are more into fashion, grooming, wanting to look good, and wanting their women to look good too - sometimes shopping for and picking out their clothes. A friend of mine dated a Black Guy, and he was like that, even sometimes wearing some bright colors that White guys wouldn't be caught dead in.

    Their relationship didn't last because she was more of a Jeans/Shorts and T-Shirts kind of girl, and he felt her look was not something he wanted to be seen with her in. He even went as far to say "Shorts are for children, not for grown women who want to look sexy" He said this to her when she confronted him after he stopped taking her out in public.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What do you mean by he lives in a more "liberal society"? Are you from different countries or cultures? How did you meet? If he's having sex with you he's not "gay". He may have sex with other men or women in addition to you, who knows.

    The real problem is the distance and cyber relationship. This may be feeding your assumptions and perhaps you are watching too much tv and stereotyping people.
    Originally Posted by blitzkrieged
    Hey y’all.We are in a long distance relationship but spend a few months together, and a few months apart. Our sex is frequent and good

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