Bf and I have different money footprint

My boyfriend and I are dating almost 2 years and we're both 25. He treats me very well like making time for me, take me out to eat and help my family on some errands. We have same value about financial stability, family, marriage and having kids in the near future. The only issue I have with him is I'm more generous when it comes with money. He's very financially responsible paying for his rent, car loan and tuition for grad school. He always do cost/benefits analysis on any purchase to make sure it worth his money and if he actually needs it before buying something. I totally understand where he's coming from but sometimes i think it's too much. For example, when we went on vacation together, I saw an ice-cream stand and it cost $7 per ice cream so he told me to walk for another 10 min to get a cheaper ice cream with better quality (Ben & Jerry). Or another time, we went water tubing together and I wanted to rent the cooler float to leave our drinks and snacks. It costs $10 but my boyfriend said there's no need to spend extra money he can holds those things which I disagreed because the point is being relax on the river and we don't want to hold many things to ourselves. I totally get his point but he saying that make me feel he cares about money more than me. Of course it's good to consider for big purchases, but for small purchases under $20 like that I don't think it's necessary. It got me very upset and I can't stop my negative feeling about his action. I discussed with him but he said he just gave me his opinion and he doesn't see anything wrong with that. My personality is being carefree when it comes to doing fun things and going on vacation. It's been almost 2 years and i keep seeing this pattern of behavior repeated and I still can't accept him for who he is. Of course it's impossible to change a person but I tried to re-wire my brain to justify his intention but this habit of him still irritates me. What should I do?

Were you asking him to pay for the ice cream and cooler float? If you were paying for it, it shouldn't matter to him.

This is who he is. So now you need to make that hard decision that either this works for you or it doesn't work and you need to part ways.

It's interesting that you say that you are on the same page financially and then proceed to talk about how you are not. I think you are a bit in denial just how different the two of you are and how much this difference is affecting you negatively. Start being more honest with yourself about how you really feel. That tends to help you make better life and relationship decisions for yourself. Like maybe not wasting two years of your life trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

Were you asking him to pay for the ice cream and cooler float? If you were paying for it, it shouldn't matter to him.

I don't think the point is about who paid, but rather how this will play out if they proceed, get married and they have a serious difference in how their money is spent on these kinds of small things and how much more controlling he might get. Uptight and happy go lucky is rarely a good combo for the long run.

For the ice-cream scenario, I saw the ice cream stand and suggested to buy some ice-cream. And he looks at the price then said it's expensive let's go somewhere else for better ice cream. For the cooler float scenario, I was the one paying but he told me to not spend on the cooler float cuz he can holds our stuffs in his bag.

Who pays the majority of the time?

I am with your bf, and I am not cheap. He is being responsible.

Lanna, all of those small purchases addd up, and were really not necessary. Perhaps, you should address how you spend your money more closely. Add up all of your purchases in a month, to really see where your money is going, and if they were necessary.

Seven dollars for ice-cream is ridiculous.

If you cannot accept him, then maybe you should consider splitting and finding someone else.

When he tries to debate or analyze the cost of something, just say thank you and buy what you please.

I am pretty conservative with my finances, but my boyfriend is a little like yours. I don't need his permission and though it sometimes irks me (a little like you) I choose my battles and honestly, if want to spend $7 on an ice cream, I will. My boyfriend knows this. It's his choice to walk another block to get his own.

Just try to shake it off and be thankful he's not the extreme opposite. I was married to a debt'ohlic, so I remind myself that this much more preferable, any day.

With his money he can do things his way, not your way, so it's not a reflection of how much he cares about you. You realize this is a power struggle not a money issue, no? If you can't accept him being this frugal then you need to end things. No it is not possible to change a person and you should stop trying to change him. Spend your money your way on your things and let him manage his own money.

-he saying that make me feel he cares about money more than me.

-I discussed with him but he said he just gave me his opinion and he doesn't see anything wrong with that.

-My personality is being carefree when it comes to doing fun things and going on vacation.

-I still can't accept him for who he is.

Of course it's impossible to change a person

We takes turn to pay for each other so i would say it's 50/50 cuz we're both having full time job and going to grad school now. I'm financially responsible too but I have spending mindset and he has saving mindset.

A spending mindset is not good. How much do you have in savings? Do you have any debt?

I have spending mindset and he has saving mindset.

And that isn't going to change so you figure out a way to get comfortable with this fundamental difference you two have.

It seems like you are taking it entirely too personal. As if your attitude towards money is wrong. It's not wrong, it's just different.

i have zero debt and pretty good savings. Spending mindset means when I'm on vacation or doing fun things or go out to eat I like to spoil myself instead of restricting myself with certain amount of money i can spend. I have separate savings account for vacation and leisure.

yeah thank you for your advice. I totally aware of our differences when it comes to money. I'm still communicating with him to come with solution.

i have zero debt and pretty good savings. Spending mindset means when I'm on vacation or doing fun things or go out to eat I like to spoil myself instead of restricting myself with certain amount of money i can spend. I have separate savings account for vacation and leisure.

That is good! You said that you had a "spending mindset" and so I was assuming that you were not responsible with money.

I don't know what to say. It does not sound like you two are on the same page regarding money, if he is so frugal...

And that isn't going to change so you figure out a way to get comfortable with this fundamental difference you two have.

It seems like you are taking it entirely too personal. As if your attitude towards money is wrong. It's not wrong, it's just different.

Agree. To be honest it’s the little things that add up and end up putting people over budget. I have a similar mindset to your BF and it’s not personal towards anyone, I grew up with thrifty parents and as a single mom living below the poverty line for many years, that mindset hasn’t changed now that I make more $$ and I don’t really want it to.

I think if you want a $7 ice cream and it's YOUR money, he should butt out of it. You're not married. When you get married, the financial arrangements might need to be altered, but right now you're free to spend your money on any thing you want.

No two people will have identical money attitudes. Unfortunately you are both being picky about money. That's what you do have in common. When he balks about the cost, say "my treat". Done.

Are you still living with your family?

I honestly expected some much worse examples. Speaking for my relationship / marriage, my wife went 11 years of her adulthood pretty much broke as she went through school and residency. She was also raised by pretty Depression-minded parents. There were times early on she'd come close to having a meltdown if she lost a metrocard that still had $5 on it. To me, that was kinda bordering a line. Not being upset about it, but the extent to which she used to be. I'm a bit more inclined to pay some money to save time and effort.

Still, a 10 minute walk to get better ice cream for a cheaper price, sparing $10 if it simply means holding your own drinks in the tube-- it's not a whole lot of trouble for saving $15 - $20 between the two examples. Are you wrong? No. But it does put someone in an awkward position when you're in a couples situation like buying ice cream on the boardwalk or renting a floating cooler for tubing together. I'd have a much stronger opinion of him if he was over your shoulder while you were on your laptop telling you that you can't spend your own money on a pair of shoes or something.

So basically, I agree with the others in that this isn't by any means personal. When it comes to situations he either feels he either has to likewise indulge and be complicit or make it awkward sticking to his principles and letting you be the only one eating ice cream at the more expensive stand or using the cooler, he's digging his heels in. Honestly, I'd ask yourself how much walking an extra 10 minutes or holding your own drink while tubing really matters to you. I'm genuinely not mocking you if it does. But if you need a guy willing to open his wallet up for minor conveniences or who's comfortable with the pressure to share in what he considers wasteful should you offer your dime for them, then that's what you need.

Again speaking personally, I used to be a lot more loose with conveniences than I am now. It can be hard to fully and tangibly grasp how much money you save over the course of time when you really evaluate the dollar:leisure ratio. I'd keep a simple spreadsheet just tallying up times I'd forego an expense I was legit tempted to take and would have if I had not thought about it, and come the end of the year, it was enough for a brand new 65" TV for my man cave. So that's what I did. Zero regrets about passing on the opportunity during the occasions I've just really wanted to take a $10 Lyft instead of spend the extra 10 minutes on the train for $2.50.

If you're financially sound and responsible, why do you care so much what your boyfriend thinks of how you spend your money? He may be insecure about his own finances. Ask him how he's doing and be open to discussing your finances jointly as a team. Don't take this so personally.

For the ice-cream scenario, I saw the ice cream stand and suggested to buy some ice-cream. And he looks at the price then said it's expensive let's go somewhere else for better ice cream. For the cooler float scenario, I was the one paying but he told me to not spend on the cooler float cuz he can holds our stuffs in his bag.

This isn't about money, the amount, etc. This is purely about control. If you marry him, expect that this is going to get much bigger and become a million times worse. Right now, it's not even his money and he is still controlling what you do and how you spend YOUR funds. Tip of the iceberg.

Is it a case of controlling or choosing to be controlled? I think the OP should make choices that are healthy for her. I don't see anything controlling about a suggestion to walk a little farther to get cheap ice cream. I'm with Holly on that one. It's not that bad of an idea actually.

Let's turn the tables around: OP, if you think he's a bit of a penny-pincher and a little myopic or a downer, I wonder what he must be thinking of you. He may think you're a little impulsive, childish and not that street smart. It goes both ways.

Both of you should come together as adults please and discuss your finances as a team. It may not be entirely about finances and it'll also work as a practice on learning to operate as a team.

It's not controlling to object if a partner says "let's do this" or "let's get that." You involve your partner, you invite their input whether it's their dollar or not. The extent to which their input matters obviously stops at the autonomy of you and your wallet, but if he doesn't want ice cream knowing it costs more and is a lesser quality, then he doesn't want it. Whether you pay is irrelevant. My wife can spend her extra cash on herself however she pleases. But if we walk past Pizza Hut and she asks me if I wanna get some and I know there's a better actual slice shop for cheaper down the way, I'm not gonna be too thrilled if she goes in and comes out putting me in a position to either tell her she's stuck with two personal pizzas or eat something I'd vocalized outright I didn't prefer. And honestly, I don't like Pizza Hut altogether. Maybe this dude doesn't like crappy ice cream. If I'm not happy to pay for something myself, I'm certainly not happy for someone else to do it for me.

Now if you said, "I'm going to grab an ice cream for myself" and he can't let it go, or if the only reason you want ice cream is because there happens to be a stand right there, and he's forcing you to walk the 10 minutes for something you feel is equally not your effort as he felt the other stand wasn't worth his money, then we're looking at a very different story. That is a game of tug-o-war. You know who this guy is, so in the future, invest in menial conveniences for your own sake, and word it accordingly. You being OK with him roughing it a bit more on his end to save a buck while you enjoy your treat and him being OK watching you treating yourself to these kinds of things is pretty much the only way this gets reconciled. It's certainly not the most conventionally romantic dynamic out there, but I don't see why not.

And legitimately, for as how much pressure as I'd put on him to be cool buying what you like for yourself with your own money, would you handle it fine if he actually were OK with it and you were the only one coming back with ice cream from the stand? If you were the only one using the cooler?

What I will echo is the caution as far as marriage / joint finances are concerned. Whether we consider it controlling or not right now, it could be a tremendously huge problem depending on just how "what's mine is yours" with money either or both of you feel you should be.

I think the contentious or gray area might have been the part where he physically held the shared pack with the money in it and didn't want to agree to pay for a more expensive float. The OP felt helpless but didn't seem to vocalize past that point. It's always a good idea to carry cash on your person and some ID, by the way. It shouldn't be all in one pack or bag. At the very least you should have a credit card available to you and not in that bag. What if you both get separated and you need to find a way back to the hotel etc?

Maybe going forward learn to manage simple things like carrying cash on hand in your pocket or in an inconspicuous travel pouch. You (neither him nor you) should be dependent on each other.

Work on a few solutions that are simple, that maintain neutrality and evenness between the both of you. It doesn't need to come to blows or accusations about power or control yet. If you feel helpless, I'd ask yourself why you feel that way and what you can do reverse that or balance any imbalances between the both of you. Control is taken but it cannot be taken from you if you know how to manage yourself. Work on the little things. I think the most important thing is both of you continue to respect each other too.

I actually think he's a financially healthy influence on you.

My husband is the same way, always looking for bargains, discounts, coupons and he's an outstanding shopper. He frequents garage and estate sales and pays for mint condition, high quality items for pennies on the dollar. He repairs and maintains cars and does the same for our house. He's very handy and saves us a ton of money. I never have to hire a contractor.

Generally we're frugal shoppers and save a lot of money. Instead of frivolous expenses, we prefer to reside in a better neighborhood and cut corners elsewhere. To each his own.

My husband and I are generous in other ways. Instead of habitual year 'round dining out, I prefer to have my designer handbag! I worked for it, I earned it so I'll buy it! Free country. I haven't taken a vacation in 13 years nor stepped foot in a movie theater in 10 years so again, I cut corners elsewhere. We cook a lot at home and my chic mint condition clothes courtesy of my mother still fit me after all these years. Relatives, in-laws and us agreed not to partake in gift exchanges for birthdays and holidays which saves our yearly budget. If we dine out on rare occasions with extended family, we always pay our own way. We never mooch.

It really depends on your choices regarding how you prefer to save or spend your money.

Since you're paying, your boyfriend shouldn't squawk about ice cream and other prices or costs. Just remember that being with a tightwad later will cause arguments in a long term relationship or marriage. I like to save money just like the next person, however, I despise being with anyone who is cheap.

For example, I have millionaire friends who refuse to turn on their A/C whenever they invite us into their home for dinner while we perspire buckets of sweat in 100+ degree weather. I hate that. Or, when they gave my then 3 year old son a $2. gift at his birthday party. I provided a gorgeous lunch, lots of delicious homemade food, a pool party and these rich folks bought my son a gift from the town dump. Or, my sister who lives in a $1.5 mil house yet has no qualms whenever my widowed mother pays the restaurant bill for the entire table ~ except us who pay our own way.

Or, when I hosted a potluck and provided a bunch of expensive, homemade food and a rich guest brought cheap store bought cookies from the bargain bin past the expiration date! Talk about cheap from a guest who earns a very high income every year!

Just know who you're with and if you can't agree financially, you'll have uncomfortable, unpleasant, endless fights over this. Make sure you're on the same page regarding money, how you spend and save it.