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Thread: Bf and I have different money footprint

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lanna0507
    For the ice-cream scenario, I saw the ice cream stand and suggested to buy some ice-cream. And he looks at the price then said it's expensive let's go somewhere else for better ice cream. For the cooler float scenario, I was the one paying but he told me to not spend on the cooler float cuz he can holds our stuffs in his bag.
    This isn't about money, the amount, etc. This is purely about control. If you marry him, expect that this is going to get much bigger and become a million times worse. Right now, it's not even his money and he is still controlling what you do and how you spend YOUR funds. Tip of the iceberg.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Is it a case of controlling or choosing to be controlled? I think the OP should make choices that are healthy for her. I don't see anything controlling about a suggestion to walk a little farther to get cheap ice cream. I'm with Holly on that one. It's not that bad of an idea actually.

    Let's turn the tables around: OP, if you think he's a bit of a penny-pincher and a little myopic or a downer, I wonder what he must be thinking of you. He may think you're a little impulsive, childish and not that street smart. It goes both ways.

    Both of you should come together as adults please and discuss your finances as a team. It may not be entirely about finances and it'll also work as a practice on learning to operate as a team.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    It's not controlling to object if a partner says "let's do this" or "let's get that." You involve your partner, you invite their input whether it's their dollar or not. The extent to which their input matters obviously stops at the autonomy of you and your wallet, but if he doesn't want ice cream knowing it costs more and is a lesser quality, then he doesn't want it. Whether you pay is irrelevant. My wife can spend her extra cash on herself however she pleases. But if we walk past Pizza Hut and she asks me if I wanna get some and I know there's a better actual slice shop for cheaper down the way, I'm not gonna be too thrilled if she goes in and comes out putting me in a position to either tell her she's stuck with two personal pizzas or eat something I'd vocalized outright I didn't prefer. And honestly, I don't like Pizza Hut altogether. Maybe this dude doesn't like crappy ice cream. If I'm not happy to pay for something myself, I'm certainly not happy for someone else to do it for me.

    Now if you said, "I'm going to grab an ice cream for myself" and he can't let it go, or if the only reason you want ice cream is because there happens to be a stand right there, and he's forcing you to walk the 10 minutes for something you feel is equally not your effort as he felt the other stand wasn't worth his money, then we're looking at a very different story. That is a game of tug-o-war. You know who this guy is, so in the future, invest in menial conveniences for your own sake, and word it accordingly. You being OK with him roughing it a bit more on his end to save a buck while you enjoy your treat and him being OK watching you treating yourself to these kinds of things is pretty much the only way this gets reconciled. It's certainly not the most conventionally romantic dynamic out there, but I don't see why not.

    And legitimately, for as how much pressure as I'd put on him to be cool buying what you like for yourself with your own money, would you handle it fine if he actually were OK with it and you were the only one coming back with ice cream from the stand? If you were the only one using the cooler?

    What I will echo is the caution as far as marriage / joint finances are concerned. Whether we consider it controlling or not right now, it could be a tremendously huge problem depending on just how "what's mine is yours" with money either or both of you feel you should be.
    Last edited by j.man; 08-07-2019 at 05:02 PM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think the contentious or gray area might have been the part where he physically held the shared pack with the money in it and didn't want to agree to pay for a more expensive float. The OP felt helpless but didn't seem to vocalize past that point. It's always a good idea to carry cash on your person and some ID, by the way. It shouldn't be all in one pack or bag. At the very least you should have a credit card available to you and not in that bag. What if you both get separated and you need to find a way back to the hotel etc?

    Maybe going forward learn to manage simple things like carrying cash on hand in your pocket or in an inconspicuous travel pouch. You (neither him nor you) should be dependent on each other.

    Work on a few solutions that are simple, that maintain neutrality and evenness between the both of you. It doesn't need to come to blows or accusations about power or control yet. If you feel helpless, I'd ask yourself why you feel that way and what you can do reverse that or balance any imbalances between the both of you. Control is taken but it cannot be taken from you if you know how to manage yourself. Work on the little things. I think the most important thing is both of you continue to respect each other too.

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  6. #25
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I actually think he's a financially healthy influence on you.

    My husband is the same way, always looking for bargains, discounts, coupons and he's an outstanding shopper. He frequents garage and estate sales and pays for mint condition, high quality items for pennies on the dollar. He repairs and maintains cars and does the same for our house. He's very handy and saves us a ton of money. I never have to hire a contractor.

    Generally we're frugal shoppers and save a lot of money. Instead of frivolous expenses, we prefer to reside in a better neighborhood and cut corners elsewhere. To each his own.

    My husband and I are generous in other ways. Instead of habitual year 'round dining out, I prefer to have my designer handbag! I worked for it, I earned it so I'll buy it! Free country. I haven't taken a vacation in 13 years nor stepped foot in a movie theater in 10 years so again, I cut corners elsewhere. We cook a lot at home and my chic mint condition clothes courtesy of my mother still fit me after all these years. Relatives, in-laws and us agreed not to partake in gift exchanges for birthdays and holidays which saves our yearly budget. If we dine out on rare occasions with extended family, we always pay our own way. We never mooch.

    It really depends on your choices regarding how you prefer to save or spend your money.

    Since you're paying, your boyfriend shouldn't squawk about ice cream and other prices or costs. Just remember that being with a tightwad later will cause arguments in a long term relationship or marriage. I like to save money just like the next person, however, I despise being with anyone who is cheap.

    For example, I have millionaire friends who refuse to turn on their A/C whenever they invite us into their home for dinner while we perspire buckets of sweat in 100+ degree weather. I hate that. Or, when they gave my then 3 year old son a $2. gift at his birthday party. I provided a gorgeous lunch, lots of delicious homemade food, a pool party and these rich folks bought my son a gift from the town dump. Or, my sister who lives in a $1.5 mil house yet has no qualms whenever my widowed mother pays the restaurant bill for the entire table ~ except us who pay our own way.

    Or, when I hosted a potluck and provided a bunch of expensive, homemade food and a rich guest brought cheap store bought cookies from the bargain bin past the expiration date! Talk about cheap from a guest who earns a very high income every year!

    Just know who you're with and if you can't agree financially, you'll have uncomfortable, unpleasant, endless fights over this. Make sure you're on the same page regarding money, how you spend and save it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I'd be careful stating that being frugal is somehow better or healthier.

    I mentioned earlier that I am very conservative with my money, but not frugal. I am financially sound and responsible.and I think that sometimes buying something without having to search out it's bottom line deal is equally healthy. As long as you are responsible about it

    It's all relative in the scheme of things. Some people live their life saving for the children, denying themselves things and leaving everything behind. It's considered honorable in some ways.

    If someone chose to leave this world penniless, but having lived a rich life not denying themselves of things they could otherwise afford, but weren't in debt, would we blame them?
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 08-07-2019 at 07:42 PM.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm curious if she perhaps has the safety net of her family helping her while he does not?
    I'm the more frugal one out of my SO and I. And though he was by no means spoiled, his family has always had money and he knows deep in the back of his mind there is always someone there to catch him. I didn't have that, and have known since I was teen that I am my own safety net and that's it. It impacts my choices even now when things aren't so tight, because I like to have more than he does in backup in order to feel financially secure. I still am frugal, but we have helped balance each other a bit more. I've learned how nice it can be to splurge a little more often, he's learned how satisfying it can be getting good deals on things where it's not a sacrifice to do it, like not buying snacks from the corner store on the regular.
    I think OP could handle being a teeny bit more respectful of the fact that frugality is often born in necessity at some point, rather than being so hard on him for this.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you think he's a scrooge, cheapskate or wet blanket, dating is the time to find all that out. Dating is to figure out if you two fit. If he's acting like a parent that's a red flag. Stop letting him help your family or treat you to dinners. Step back from this power struggle and just observe who he is.

  10. #29
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    He's a person that knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. I don't want anything to do with people like this. Life is too short. Your mileage may differ.

    Stop and get the $7 ice cream. If he can't even tolerate a small treat like that, then you really, really, REALLY need to consider what it would be like going through life with a man like this.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You don't need to change, and you don't need to change him. Set up 3 accounts: His, Yours and Ours. The Ours account is the monthly amount you must each contribute to shared expenses and investments. Beyond that, anything left over goes into your own accounts and can be spent any way you choose to spend it--or not.

    So when BF doesn't agree on how or when to 'both' spend money, you can pick up the tab and treat him to whatever it is that means enough to you to spend the money NOW. If you don't want to do that, then it's not important enough for you to hold a grudge.

    Either you can appreciate your differences, or not. If not, then you get to decide what you want to do about that, but complaining will only amplify the problem rather than resolve it.

    It's your decision.

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