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Thread: Breakup timing

  1. #1

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    Breakup timing

    I posted last week about feeling bad about ďbreaking up without a good reasonĒ and after reading all your responses I have decided I do want to break up with my boyfriend of 8 years. However, Iím concerned about timing...

    My bf just got arrested for a DUI this weekend (he says he wasnít drunk- they didnít actually breathalyze him apparently, so I donít know if thatís true) and Iím really mad at him about that (this was his 2nd DUI, though the 1st was before we were dating), but I also feel bad because he seems really depressed about it and has been struggling to find/pay for a lawyer. Also I have plans to go on a short vacation with my sister next week, and his DUI hearing takes place the day I get back from my vacation. Should I still break up with him now, or should I wait to break the news until after the hearing?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Is it actually possible to be arrested for a DUI without being breathalyzed? Eyebrow raised.

    Anyhow, there is never a "good time" to end things with someone, though many people will argue that a second DUI is a pretty good time to cut the cord, even a "good reason" to do so, per your last post.

    At the end of the day, it's up to you. If you believe your conscience will be more settled if wait until after the hearing, you can wait. I'd argue that you're splitting hairs, and that one can always find a reason why the timing is "bad." Life is stressful, after all, and breakups inevitably add some weight to the conscience. There's no dodging that, only moving through it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you're not certain about the events in his life and you can't trust a reliable recount of what goes on, this relationship is already on rocky footing. He's not trustworthy to you and you have doubts. A relationship without trust is not much of a relationship.

    I can't tell you what to do but what I would do is stay any impulse to throw the towel in. Be mindful that in breaking up now, you may be influencing your vacation time worrying about the backlash of your break up and mourning the end of a relationship more acutely. It depends what your frame of mind is. Don't let your time with your sister suffer because of an impulse decision and once the dust settles, renegade and go backwards on it. I'd think carefully about it and then do what you have to do whatever that is on whatever terms is best for you.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Here's a bit of a more tuff love opinion: You can't be 'selfish' any longer. By not letting him hit his rock bottom, he will never learn from his mistakes. To stay now will be enabling. He clearly didn't learn a thing from his first DUI.

    As BC mentioned, there is no good time to break up with someone so do what needs to be done so that he hits his rock bottom and hopefully grows from his current dysfunctional self.

    Don't let your own codependency stop you from getting on with your life without him in it.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is his problem, let him fix it. Do not coddle someone for drinking and driving and lying. Let him pay for an attorney. Maybe he'll finally learn not to drink and drive. Go on your vacation and follow through with all your plans.

    Don't be held hostage by his pity-party particularly when self created and dangerous to others. Someone who drinks and drives has poor judgement, possibly a problem if it's a repeat performance.

    He needs to hit rock bottom and get help before he kills someone with his selfish behavior. Don't feel sorry for him, feel sorry for other drivers on the road when he's out drinking/driving.
    Originally Posted by Malon98
    My bf just got arrested for a DUI this weekend. this was his 2nd DUI

  7. #6
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    In your shoes, I would wait the week. After 8 years together, whatís one week?

    He needs to concentrate on his DUI issues and getting a lawyer. You will be out of town anyways with your sister. I do think the compassionate thing to do is not to distract him with this bombshell until he is done dealing with his immediate issue.

    There is no good time to break up, I agree, but there are less bad times.

    If we were talking months and months, I would say just breakup. But a week? I would wait the week.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Compassionate thing to do is to leave him to the consequences of his actions so he learns that he can't just be who he's been enabled to be and for her to get on with her life without him in it.
    She will be obsessing about the break up the whole time he is away if she doesn't get it over with before she goes.

    She's be enabling him for too long. Why do it for another week. Why not look after herself and whats best for her NOW. If she felt she should wait then she wouldn't need to start a thread asking if she should... she just would wait which makes me think she's looking for 'permission' to do it now.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    In your shoes, I would wait the week. After 8 years together, whatís one week?

    He needs to concentrate on his DUI issues and getting a lawyer. You will be out of town anyways with your sister. I do think the compassionate thing to do is not to distract him with this bombshell until he is done dealing with his immediate issue.

    There is no good time to break up, I agree, but there are less bad times.

    If we were talking months and months, I would say just breakup. But a week? I would wait the week.
    Agreed but less emphasis on him, in my mind.

    I think a break up involves some thought and care, whether we want to admit it or not. It's a severing of ties and acknowledgment that a level of involvement in each others' lives is over. I don't agree with making impulse decisions or rash decisions that may affect the vacation with her sister either. Her sister is the last person who needs to hear sob stories about how terrible her ex is or be the shoulder for her to cry on, so to speak, during or in the aftermath of a break up. The OP would be lucky if this person respects her privacy and her time with her sister but I think she should anticipate the worst.

    OP: You definitely should deal with this relationship but it's up to you how you want to handle it and when is the most appropriate time to deal with it in light of your other commitments and plans. If you think ending it sooner is best for all parties involved and you can vouch for his respect and privacy as you leave on vacation, go for it. Otherwise, it's in your best interests to stay the impulse and deal with him in the entirety when you're back. You might even use that time away on vacation to gather your thoughts a bit more and be a bit more put together about a potential break up so that you are more sure of yourself and don't backtrack on any decisions.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    She will be obsessing about the break up the whole time he is away if she doesn't get it over with before she goes.

    She's be enabling him for too long. Why do it for another week. Why not look after herself and whats best for her NOW. If she felt she should wait then she wouldn't need to start a thread asking if she should... she just would wait which makes me think she's looking for 'permission' to do it now.
    Our life experiences may be different - so we can disagree :)

    Personally, Iíve never obsessed about breaking up with someone. Once that decision is made, if itís truly over, itís just one more thing on the todo list.

    I HAVE obsessed over being broken up with, though. Is it really over? Is it something that can be fixed? Etc.

    Traditionally, breakups are harder on the dumpee than on the dumper.

    Dude needs to get a lawyer. He doesnít have time to sit and cry and feel sorry for himself. The consequences of not getting a lawyer are grave. And once he hires a lawyer - itís all on the lawyer. Either there are things they can work out or not.

    Iím not suggesting staying with him longer than it takes to hire a lawyer. And Iím not suggesting helping him do that, either. All Iím suggesting is not doing anything to hinder that focus for a limited period of time.

    We can all only give advice based on our own experiences. Personally, I would feel better about myself and be better able to look myself in the mirror knowing someone was on slightly more solid ground before I left (ie: he was in the hands of a lawyer).

    ... but if you would be comfortable leaving whenever - than that works for you.

    Bottom line, OP - I think you simply need to decide to leave as soon as you can (that you will also feel comfortable with)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm not saying it would be what works for me, I'm saying what I think would work better for the OP. She's enabled his anti social behaviour long enough and I think that once she's pulled the plug for good, she can go away and have fun knowing it's all been taken care of.



    But... you're right, she has to do what she feels most comfortable with and giving their history, it will likely be done when she gets back or not at all. I hope it's not the latter. Codependency is funny like that... those who are codependent, tend to worry more about others than they do about themselves. It's called losing yourself in others. Whether she does it now or when she gets back, it can be done with compassion.

    I don't think waiting until after she hears he's headed to jail (after his legal hearing if that is what happens) will make it any easier on him. (or her)

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