Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: To hold grudges on ex or not?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    9

    To hold grudges on ex or not?

    A few months after breaking up I had a discussion with my ex in which I somehow indirectly accused him that he had hurt me during the relationship. I said that “I hope you will understand one day how much you hurted me. And how much I gave for you”.
    (The relationship with him was very hard for me because I was the crazy in love one, ready to do everything, while he was detached and I felt he never really cared for me.)
    He said it was never his intention to hurt me and that he knows how much I gave for him and also he somehow pointed at the fact that I should have learned to forgive and forget if I was a good person. So it was kind of an accusation that I still hold grudges.
    Now, I really do hold grudges on him. I mean I really felt hurt during the relationship and I got out of it with such a low self esteem(to which he also “contribute” with his behaviour). Maybe the reasons for my heatred are not serious enough, but personal frustrations only, but I can’t say “I am chill about the past”.
    This resentment makes me feel bad in the same time. And I feel guilty especially because he put that in my face.
    And most important I somehow use this bitterenes inside, to make myself totally forget about him and to tell myself it was not worth. Because I still have feelings that I hide behind the heatred.
    Anyway now I am NC with him and I go on with life but I can’t let the grudges go. I still didn’t get over past.
    The best would be to forgive and be at peace, but I don’t even know how to do that.
    Are my feelings normal? How to decide wether you are fair in your feelings or not? What’s the solution to get rid of them? Thank you!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,176
    I'm sorry for how you feel nowadays, Highsky.

    Yes, your feelings are normal.

    First of all, know the definition of the word: forgive. Forgive doesn't mean condone or that you're giving him free passes. Forgive means to move on and leave the past behind you. Forgive doesn't mean forget because if you're human forgetting is impossible. Everyone has memories. Forgive means you don't wish ill will against him or the perpetrator and as hard as it is to do, forgive means not to hold grudges.

    You wouldn't be human if you didn't hold grudges. Most people stew and become bitter and resentful regarding pasts that went awry. I'm the same way. Some people go so far as to retaliate in their own passive aggressive way.

    You need a lot of time to pass to heal your wounds which will become old wounds one day. Right now, your wounds are fresh, sore and raw. As months and years pass by, your old hurts will eventually become a blur and most of all, you'll take your pain and transform it into wisdom gained.

    Holding grudges is normal, however, holding grudges all the time, consumes you to the point of becoming very unhealthy. In order to let go of grudges get busy with healthy distractions. Exercise regularly, eat smart, surround yourself with good people / friends, enjoy hobbies, outings, read good books and learn to enjoy life again. Don't rely on your ex to determine your self worth today. He's in the past and it's over.

    Whenever I have vehement hatred for several people who've sorely wronged me in the past, I feel relieved that I won't allow them to harm me anymore. Try thinking that way. You'll feel safe and glad that you feel protected nowadays. Bad people can't invade your space anymore nor steal your soul. Then grudges start to fade away.

    Most people whom I know have pasts that haunt them whether it's from their ex, childhood abuse, trauma, neglect, abandonment, victims of crime, nightmarish marriages and it runs the gamut. The people who triumphed over their battles started a new life for themselves in order to move on, learned to live and enjoy life again.

    I have a painful past. What helps me prevent endless grudges is to get busy. I exercise daily, eat smart, enjoyed my dog's companionship until she passed away several months ago, will attend a county fair tomorrow evening, surround myself with great friends, have family support, enjoy hobbies and after that I don't have any brain space left for grudges. I hope you can distract yourself to the point where you're too exhausted for grudges.

    I think it was haughty of your ex to preach to you that you should learn to forgive and forget. And this junk about it was never his intention to hurt you? How many times have I heard that before? A few people have told me something similar and I knew that those types of comments were cheap shots and irresponsible. Those phrases lack accountability, it's insincere and truly lacks humility. There's a sense of denial in that tone and I was so glad to get rid of that type of person in my life. It's gaslighting. Google that word. He's basically saying there's something wrong with YOU and YOU are the guilty one, not him. Sigh. I can count 4 people in my life who've basically said the same thing to me. What did I do? I cut them off and grudges are no more. I'm so much happier and secure ever since I PERMANENTLY got rid of certain toxic, abnormal, weird, mentally ill people from my life.

    Change the way you think. Once you think logically and see things with clarity, grudges go away. Instead of feeling bitter and hurt, you'll feel relieved that you can finally breathe. Once you feel relieved, you feel like a winner.

    Oh and another thing, no sense lecturing the perpetrator how much you gave him or you were ready to to do everything, etc. They don't care. Once he or others use you, they're done with you and move onto their next sucker. These types of creatures use people. Instead of holding grudges, feel relieved that you made your life better by removing bad people from your life so you can start fresh again.

    Change your outlook and once you change the way you think, instead of hurting, you'll feel smarter!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,598
    Gender
    Female
    I mean I really felt hurt during the relationship and I got out of it with such a low self esteem(to which he also “contribute” with his behaviour).

    I was once in a one year relationship where I felt the same way. Even though I thought my self esteem was in a good place when I met him, looking back, it wasn't, because I wouldn't have stayed so long when all the red flags popped up. I'm guessing your self esteem wasn't the greatest either, because you kept sticking around when you saw that you weren't a priority for him. Probably hoping it'd go back to the magical beginnings of your relationship.

    Learn from your mistakes, and cut the losers loose as soon as you see he doesn't treat you as the special person you are. Be alone until you can enjoy life solo and build up your self esteem to a good place, so you will attract, and be attracted to people who are worthy of you.

    You will appreciate the right match even more after this experience. Whenever you begin to think of him, begin some positive self talk. "It's in the past. I have better things to think of today."

    Given time, you will no longer allow the precious space in your head to be taken up by a person who doesn't deserve space there. Your bitterness only hurts yourself. Here's a story about just that:

    An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

    He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

    The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

    The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    5
    Hurted...I will give my advice...he hurt you and this is what I'm learning personally; we are only to blame in continuing the unhealthy unhappy relationship. We are all wrong to assure ourselves that these relationships are what we are worth. I'm guilty for putting happiness in myself up to someone else I'll tell you. It didn't work out. If you are interested in forgiveness to it; for it to work out; you have to truly do some miracle I haven't found yet; I had lot of pent up angst and hurt..but I did have to stop that relationship; it was like a trigger. Contact with my ex was just replaced with flashbacks and continued toxicity worsened each moment until it truly ends up being more devastating. I'm certain any relationship in these conditions every one has felt relation to your hurt. It will benefit you both letting it go. It is a difficult and painful expetience; as is hatred you feel currently...that's not good in my opinion, ultimately sounds like you should be able to get to a decision if you're not going to be able to get through the damage done. I'm not trying to be a head or anything. I just want you to know that you are worth it. You are strong enough, you have the answer regardless of how many thoughts you read or directions to help. I'm sure you will make the best choice when you are ready to. Keep your chin up! Don't give up your needs ever for what someone else may lack; doesn't mean you have to need less. Ya know what I'm saying? I hope you are able to come to the outcome you truly desire darlin. Take care.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,963
    Gender
    Male
    All you can do is move forward and learn from all this. Delete and block him from all messaging apps and social media. Never over-invest in a relationship or be a victim/martyr. It leads to the kind of resentment and contempt you describe.

    Be yourself and date knowing what you see is what you get. Look for red flags while getting to know someone. Relationships do not work on credit and over-investing will not fast-forward things or guarantee a return on your investment. In fact it can be perceived as suffocating or manipulative.

    Stop communicating with him. he owes you nothing and you owe him nothing. Your anger is caused by you because he did not meet your expectations and you simply did too much...but that was your choice, not his.

    The longer you ruminate and hold onto anger the more you ruin your life, your chances at finding happiness and moving forward. If you are stuck in anger and ruminating, a few sessions with a therapist may help you redirect these emotions and this energy to a more positive direction.
    Originally Posted by Highsky
    -A few months after breaking up I had a discussion with my ex
    -it was kind of an accusation that I still hold grudges.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,418
    Gender
    Female
    Hatred is a strong word. Resentment is normal here and there. Life has ups and downs and our little R buddy sometimes pops its head in and likes to wag its tail. When it does, you should pay attention but you shouldn't vault it on a podium and start paying homage to it. Pay attention to situations that don't make you feel good but don't get sucked into it indefinitely. Grow out of it and snap out of it.

    The language between the both of you seems very neutral and mild considering you termed yourself the crazy in love one. My only concern is that you're bouncing through strong emotions in a short period of time. If this isn't the right person for you, willing that person to be right will be like trying to force a square peg in a round hole. It's not going to happen. Be realistic with yourself and let him go. Stop beating yourself up over it or your mistakes.

    You referenced your hang ups about a previous relationship also and grudges specifically.

    Grudges are unique in that we hang onto them often involuntarily and if we don't address them, they become part of our personality and imbued into who we are. It will turn you into a spiteful, irritable and angry person over time. Even worse, it will cloud your judgment and put you at risk (you will make risky decisions and start to lose tremendous trust in yourself). Managing your resentment and grudges against others is something you should work out and address either by yourself or with help from a therapist or in a safe place where you feel you can unravel those issues. It is not ok to hold on to grudges and resentment. It will drain you and redirect your energies wastefully. You might use that burst of energy towards something good in the beginning (ie. turning over a new leaf, creating new goals etc) but over time, try not to sustain yourself on it. It will mean fueling that resentment and it's not healthy.

    Resentment usually also builds and spreads fast with low self-esteem. You might want to explore that and elevate your self-esteem in healthy ways that benefit you in the long run. Whether it's reconnecting back with fulfilling goals or hobbies or whether it's repairing older relationships with your family or your loved ones, that's up to you to explore and decide. Don't let low self-esteem make you vulnerable to emotions like resentment.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,421
    By not letting go, you are only hurting yourself. That's a lot of energy.

    I am not saying you should be friends, or ever talk to him, but for your own piece of mind, let it go.

    I Would also address your part in hanging onto to someone that did not share your feelings. That part is your responsibility, and maybe you are really angry at yourself.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-07-2019 at 02:00 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,421
    "Why do I still eager the worst person?
    I have some very bad low self-esteem issues and this causes me a lot of trouble.
    I was in a relationship with a way richer guy and more mature, while I am quite imature and with a small horison. I gave everything and got nothing.
    He always had a quite disrespectful attitude just because I never had self-respect. He sometimes would offend me in our fights and scream and saying that I have a small horison because I never travelled outside my country. That got me obsessed with the idea of travelling.
    I always tried to excuse his behaviour, blaming myself for being too needy, crazy-desperate about his presence. I finally ended that awful relationship and tried to completely forget about him and to tell myself I deserve better. After 4 months he searched for me again.
    I refused his but I was deeply surprised and dissappointed because I fell again for him after his first messages. I can’t believe I am so stupid and weak and I don’t know how can I stop my heart from wanting him. I am both hurted by my feelings for him that I can’t deny and by “why do I have these feelings?!?”.
    Pl


    You should never have been with this guy, then you went back. Have you received therapy for your self esteem? Have you done anything to enhance your career, or returned to school? What are YOU doing for yourself? Once you stop seeing yourself as a victim, you will grow stronger and make better choices in partners.

    Is he blocked, now?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,176
    Sometimes holding onto grudges is good, however, it depends on the circumstances. For me, I only hold grudges as a reminder for me not to let the perpetrator get away with past transgressions. I always make sure there's a price to pay for previous extremely rude, disrespectful behavior thrust upon me. I retaliate in a passive aggressive way. For example, If I was banned, deliberately excluded or if the perpetrator tested me sorely by engaging in gaslighting me, I do not welcome that person or persons back into my life. If it's inevitable and unavoidable should our paths cross socially, I'll remain civil, polite, respectful, peaceful albeit frosty, distant and blunt. I'm all business from that point forward and there's no going back to my previous naive, innocent self. There are times when stewed grudges can be healthy because you control the situation and dynamics from now on.

    My Martha Stewart days are over, too. I don't have the same naive, enthusiastic, loving, nurturing, kind, generous mindset for certain people anymore. That part of me got up, left and died.

    Holding onto grudges and resentful memories causes you to become more smart as you navigate yourself more shrewdly. You'll never get hurt again because you'll never make yourself vulnerable. You've learned some harsh lessons as you grow wiser. You calculate in order to protect yourself from current and future harm.

    It may not necessarily teach perpetrators anything, however, you learn how to play it safe and never let your guard down anymore. Grudges are good because you'll become wary and jaded once certain people let you know what they're capable of, show their true cruel colors and demonstrate a dark side of their character to YOU.

    I have certain grudges to this day which actually save me. Nowadays, I feel totally and completely safe due to those grudges and my guard is up forever. Grudges cause you to live and learn the hard way which is the best way IMHO. In some ways, grudges are advantageous and I don't have memory loss. I'm like an elephant and remember everything which is to my benefit.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,421
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Sometimes holding onto grudges is good, however, it depends on the circumstances. For me, I only hold grudges as a reminder for me not to let the perpetrator get away with past transgressions. I always make sure there's a price to pay for previous extremely rude, disrespectful behavior thrust upon me. I retaliate in a passive aggressive way. For example, If I was banned, deliberately excluded or if the perpetrator tested me sorely by engaging in gaslighting me, I do not welcome that person or persons back into my life. If it's inevitable and unavoidable should our paths cross socially, I'll remain civil, polite, respectful, peaceful albeit frosty, distant and blunt. I'm all business from that point forward and there's no going back to my previous naive, innocent self. There are times when stewed grudges can be healthy because you control the situation and dynamics from now on.

    My Martha Stewart days are over, too. I don't have the same naive, enthusiastic, loving, nurturing, kind, generous mindset for certain people anymore. That part of me got up, left and died.

    Holding onto grudges and resentful memories causes you to become more smart as you navigate yourself more shrewdly. You'll never get hurt again because you'll never make yourself vulnerable. You've learned some harsh lessons as you grow wiser. You calculate in order to protect yourself from current and future harm.

    It may not necessarily teach perpetrators anything, however, you learn how to play it safe and never let your guard down anymore. Grudges are good because you'll become wary and jaded once certain people let you know what they're capable of, show their true cruel colors and demonstrate a dark side of their character to YOU.

    I have certain grudges to this day which actually save me. Nowadays, I feel totally and completely safe due to those grudges and my guard is up forever. Grudges cause you to live and learn the hard way which is the best way IMHO. In some ways, grudges are advantageous and I don't have memory loss. I'm like an elephant and remember everything which is to my benefit.
    Holding onto anger is exhausting and unhealthy. If you learn from previous experiences, this is what is key. The OP contributed to this 100%, and should take some responsibility for staying involved-been there, done that. Holding onto to grudges only causes trust issues and problems in future relationships.
    Why give the other individual so much power. Indifference is much better.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •